Unreasonable Thoughts

Pumpkins+Junebug · January 2013

Every single thing I do makes me cry. Drinking water? I used to drink water for the baby. I used to eat to feed the baby inside me. I used to hold my belly while I fell asleep. I couldn't even read my boys a bedtime story last night because I kept choking up, thinking "I'll never have a chance to read this book to my daughter."

How do you get through a day when even the simplest things make you break down? I try to think of my living children, doing things for them... But they have so many people here to love them and play with them, and my tiny girl has no one. I'm not suicidal but I feel painfully guilty that I'm here to hold my boys and she's so, so little with no one to hold her, wherever she is. I feel like she needs her mama.

I know it's soon after my loss. And I know I need to talk to a professional. I just thought I'd post here for some... I don't know, sympathy? Understanding? I'm alone with my kids today and it's going to take everything I've got to stay strong and take care of them.

meli1025 · January 2013

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby girl. You are right and your loss is SO new, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. But I will tell you that in the past three months I've come a long way. I am still grieving, but I am starting to have more good days than bad. I too, have broken down during story time with my son...to the point where I couldn't even get the words out to finish the book. I felt guilty for eating and drinking....so I punished myself by not doing so. I immediately sought help and the ladies on this board were a huge part of making me feel sane about my thoughts. I also started therapy which has been extremely helpful as well.

As my therapist says to me, you just have to go through this. You have to feel these emotions and let yourself mourn in order to get through the grief. It's all part of "the process". There are also a lot of helpful books out there that I read right away as well.

Please be easy on yourself. We are all here for you. ((hugs))

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · January 2013

So sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Unfortunately what you're going through is just something that everyone has to go through. I used to think about this constantly. One thing that helped me was to write down what I call "the nevers" (it's in my blog which the address is in my siggy). These thoughts used to consume me (and sometimes they still do, even a 13 months out). I found that by writing them down, it stopped me from thinking about it all the time. It may not seem like it now but it will get "better." You will have minutes and then hours and then days where you don't cry and be completely sad all the time. It takes time to adjust to your new life. Be gentle on yourself and feel what you feel. It's all ok.

lolee465 · January 2013

I just want to give you the biggest hug! I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know exactly how you feel. I still can't get myself to eat things that are restricted when pregnant. I wasn't suicidal either, but I definitely had moments where I wished I had gone with my baby girl or in place of her. I don't have any living children, but what got me through was how much DH needed me.

Your loss is so new, I really wish you weren't alone today. Is there anyone that can come over and help you with your boys so you can rest?

I'm more than 4 months out from my loss, and I think about my daughter all day..I still have a lot of bad days but the pain gets more manageable. Someone once said that the hurt you feel doesn't lessen, but somehow after time you make room for it. It's a part of you always, but it won't always be so consuming. Be easy on yourself, we'll be here for you.

karebear57 · January 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your lil girl. (((Hugs))) I know just how you feel. I feel so bad sometimes for missing Bri so much because I've got my boys and it feels like I should be over this by now. Even being 15 months out it's still hard, but it gets a little more, idk, livable? I still haven't had any orange juice since Oct.6th when I was leaving work in the morning. I drank it for her and I just can't bring myself to drink it again. I am so sorry. We are here whenever you need us. I'm also here to talk if you want to pm me.

dandywarhol · January 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you found this board. The women of this board were a huge help to me after my loss.

I know you think you need to be strong for your children but it is ok to be human. You lost your daughter, it is a terrible tragedy. Is there anyone who can watch your kids for awhile so you can have some time to be alone to grieve however you need to.

I found that journaling helped me grieve. There were so many emotions and crazy thoughts that I needed to get out. It helped to have a place to put those thoughts.

starburst0928 · January 2013

You're loss is so soon, you just need to give yourself time. I'm first now able to get through my days without breakdowns. It takes time. EVERYTHING still reminds me of Bradley, even things that probably shouldn't. It makes me sad, but the pain isn't as debilitating anymore.

I would suggest finding a local support group. We're here for you to talk to, but it's also good to form these relationships IRL.

careyalis · January 2013

***ticker warning***

I just want to offer you hugs and let you know that everything you are saying is perfectly normal. Allow yourself to grieve however you need to. If you need to sit around and cry all day, do it! I promise you that it gets easier with time. You will never be over it, but the pain is much more managable. Hang in there girl and do whatever it is that you need to in order to survive.

Noethola · January 2013

Please dont feel like you are being unreasonable. You have lost your precious daughter. The smallest things could set off your emotions. Every moment can be an up or down moment. There is a lot of sympathy and understanding here, even though each of our losses are also different.

It is hardest for my DH and I when we think about the "I will never..." and "She would have..." Im so sorry you have to go through this as well.

((Hugs))

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