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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
What would YOU do?
CFjo2010
member
Be prepared, this is going to be a bit long...
At last night's PTA meeting, the PTA president (we'll call her W) who I'm quite close with, pulled me aside to talk. This is her last term as President, and we need to vote a new President in for next year. As some of you may remember, I previously turned down the VP position and Treasurer position, which BM quickly swooped in and took after having zero involvement with the PTA that year. Despite being a Board member, BM doesn't go to the PTA meetings if I'm going to be there and has told the other Board members this. Now, W is asking me if she can nominate me for President next year.
Apparently, more than 1/2 the Board members having been throwing my name around for the President position, which as you can imagine, has pissed off BM. BM is so pissed off, that she has in fact told W and the other Board members that if I become the new President then she will resign. One of BM's friends has also stated that she will resign. I've been told there was a huge fight among the Board members regarding this, with many of them telling BM to go ahead and leave. W flat out told BM that she is not qualified to run the PTA and that she needs to stop using her position as a way to try and change things at the school for her own personal agenda and to grow up.
I'm so flattered that these women who I respect think that I'm qualified to takeover and trust me with such a huge responsibility. However, I'm also smart enough to know how volatile things will get with BM if I take the position. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries and take K out of the school and we're faced with another Court battle. W told me that 2 women (who are the parents of K's friends) have stated that they will takeover the 2 positions that will be left open from BM and her friend's resignation. If I do accept the position, I won't be stuck trying to rebuild the Board. But is the drama that will come into my personal life worth it? I'm really conflicted.
I want the position. I do. I want to remain involved and working towards the benefit of the students at the school. I know this all seems very petty. And truthfully it is incredibly petty and stupid. I'm able to be civil and polite at school and at different PTA functions, why can't she? We both have children at the school and the point of the PTA is to work towards the enrichment of the students, not battling other parents. DD will be at the school for 2 more years, K will be there for 4 more years and once K leaves PJ will be starting. I'm invested in this school for the next 10 years. I help with several of the PTA sponsored events throughout the school year, I chair the annual carnival/chili-cookoff and volunteer in the classes once a week. BM is already causing problems because of the baby, and I know the PTA issue is going to push her over the edge. But at the same time, why should BM get to control my life? Why should I be not allowed to do things I want to do just because she can't be an adult? Why should I back down just so she feels better?
I would really appreciate some input on this. TIA.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What would YOU do?
I want to say take it. 100% take it. The only thing that would hold me back is the fear of her pulling K because I would want all the kids to go to school together. That is my dream. She is going to continue to be an awful person regardless so I wouldn't let anything else she may or may not do stand in the way of you living your life.
Where does BM live? Would she move just to pull her from the school? I've been keeping up with you about how awful she is but I don't remember her back story....or if you ever told us in the first place. I'm curious to know if she is married and what not.
I say take the position. You want it, you deserve it, and if BM is the only reason you're considering not taking it, then you shouldn't let BM stop you.
What else do you think BM would do besides try to switch K's school? Let's say BM switches K's school, and you go to court over it, a judge would laugh in her face. What reason does BM have to switch K's school other than that you're the PTA president?
My DH has 50/50 legal, and BM has primary physical. Does you DH have 50/50 legal custody of K? If so, she cannot pull K out of school without your DH's permission. And like PP asked, how is she going to accomplish that anyway? By moving?
I say if you really want the position, take it. You shouldn't let her control your life. You are not taking it to spite her, and it sounds like the other members really like and respect you. She's only making herself look bad. You will be involved with the school for a long time. Just ignore her drama. Short of taking K out of school, there's really nothing else that she can say that will matter. And even if she tries that, it probably will not work anyway.
Don't let the BM manipulate you into anything by fear of creating an uncomfortable situation. I am sure she knows she can easily control a situation because your doing your best to avoid drama. Bottom line is no matter what you do this woman is someone you can't avoid drama with. You are clearly good at this. So you might as well do what you can to make yourself happy and show this woman that her being a b*tch will never get the best of you.
Push her over the edge? And she'll do what then?
Take it. push her over the edge and show her that she can not stop you or control your life. Which is EXACTLY what she's doing.
And don't engage in the drama. I know it's hard, but obviously everyone else thinks you are qualified and want you in that position. If you want it, take it, and handle all things going on with dignity and class.
I try not to live in fear of BM. We go on with our lives as if there is not a risk that a crazy person will throw a wrench in our plans.
This sometimes culminates in really bad things (like BM not picking up her own children from a Christmas Eve party as a way to mess with DH, and me driving for 4 hours and getting home at 1 AM so the kids were not just stranded). We KNEW there was a risk. I have no regrets. I would much more regret not doing things that are important for our family.
And you never know, sometimes BM freaking out can be a gift in ways you NEVER imagined. BM here did not pay the mortgage on the marital home, in DH's name and awarded to BM in the divorce. That means DH was paying CS, the entire mortgage, a contractual amount and her car payment (also in DH's name). BM freaked out, claimed DH was controlling her by paying the mortgage and sold the house to a family member. That was the best gift we ever got.
So obviously, I say accept and don't look back. Ask W if she would swear out an affidavit regarding the board proceedings if it comes to a custody battle.
Take it. Don't even think twice. You can not live like that.
Your two kids and your SD will all benefit from what you do with the PTA.
Especially since you have kids there I would take it. My husband is the type to happily sue my ex and his wife if they threaten me.You have every right to be there. I have to admit since I left my ex he has gotten a little Jerry Springer (he married a girl I had been friends with since I was 14) but he would not try pull kids from school over this. His wife always trys to one up me and they talk about me under breath.
People see who really make a difference in kids lives the teachers appreciate me and my participation at school. They are not going to take a threat from someone who is even present the majority of time.
Even though DH and BM share legal custody, that hasn't stopped BM from playing games before. She transferred K preschools after my husband and I got close with the teacher. BM arbitrarily enrolled K in this current school despite the pending Court hearing regarding school enrolment. We wanted the girls at the same school and she didn't. She was admonished for enrolling K without discussing it with DH, but since she was already enrolled the Judge ordered she stay there. I transferred DD so the girls would be together. Based on history, I would not be surprised if BM revokes K's transfer to this school and enrolls her elsewhere, telling DH after the fact. While we all know she wouldn't have a valid reason to switch schools, our Judge is so wishywashy about things I have no idea what he would do.
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I like to think that I have successfully avoided the drama at school. From the very beginning I've made it clear that my involvement is strictly for the benefit of the students and the school. I've refused to discuss BM or my dealings with her. Hopefully my refusal to engage in the gossip has reenforced my original proclamation.
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I think you did the right thing by declining their offers before.
But I don't think you should continue doing so. BM is acting irrationally and you can't spend your life in inaction because of what she might do.
If she pulls K out of the school I hope you and YH raise holy hell about it.
Her DD is in the school too.
Once again I am reminded why I have mom2one blocked. I very clearly state in my OP that my DD and K go to the school... I understand that the post is long but seriously, read before responding.
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Congratulations on being nominated, you should be very proud.
I was a nay sayer the last time as your DD was not yet enrolled but I'm wholly in favor this time.
BM needs to 'woman up' and deal with her emotions in an adult way. Do not tip toe through life to accommodate her lack of stability, it will only reinforce it.
I hope she is not bitter enought to disrupt poor K's life. BUT if she does it will be on her and nothing to do with you.
You taking this position will only show the kids that on order to get somewhere on life you need to act with dignity and integrity at all times.
My only reservation is.... I hope you actually get the nomination and the current person does not simply have a personal vendetta. When will you know for sure?
I'm not concerned with W having a personal vendetta. She has been trying to get me to commit to a Board position since last winter. Up until recently she has always maintained a very neutral position regarding the personal issues that BM has made public. I genuinely believe this recent outburst if BM's has opened W's eyes as well as the other PTA members' as to how petty and corrupt BM is. I know corrupt isn't exactly the right term, but I'm not sure how else to describe what BM has been doing. She's basically been using the PTA in an effort to further her vendetta against my husband and try to keep us from being involved.
Nominations aren't until February/March and the voting is shortly thereafter. I haven't accepted the nomination just yet. I told W that I want to sit down and discuss at length what my responsibilities will be and pick her brain on a few issues. I don't want to make a definite decision until I have all the info in front of me.
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I think it matters if her DD is in the school or not.
If and when she wasn't it threw up the question of what was motivating Job to seek a position at THIS school???
I think mom2one asked a hugely relevant question. BUT as job pointed out the answer was in the OP.
When I first got involved with the PTA and DD wasn't at the school yet, I already had her paperwork submitted to transfer the following year. My motivation was, and still is, the benefit of the students and the school. Even with all my work and involvement at one school, I still helped out at the school my DD had been enrolled in. But yes, the majority of my attention and work was spent at the school that only K attended because I knew with DD transferring there, I would have a long term involvement and commitment to that school.
Although I would like to throw out there that I've never "sought" a position on the PTA board. Different Board members have asked to nominate me for positions based on my work at the school. As for being a member, anyone can be a member. Heck, my mom was a "member" of the PTA at K's, DD's, DS's as well ast niece's school last year. My MIL is a "member" of the girls' PTA and she lives in a different state. People become members simply by paying the 10 fee. We currently have over 400 members in the PTA, but I would estimate that we only have about 25 "active" members, meaning we have about 25 people who are actively involved and volunteer for events. Yes the 10 check is nice, but I really wish more people actually got involved with the events. Even if they only give a couple hours to one event, it would help tremendously. Ugh, sorry for going off on my tangent...
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I am going to echo what everyone else has said. Go for it. You don't set out to make BMs life difficult, in fact, I think you do quite the opposite. You can't control her reaction. But you have witnesses to BMs temper tantrum. If she does do something stupid like transfer K schools, or take you back to court, you have someone who could vouch for her motives.
Don't let her run your life.
The answer is obvious. She's a SM, and her stepchildren are in the school.
Am I not permitted to be in the PTA at my stepsons' school by your rules, Phantom?
What a joke.
We all know there is a huge difference in a SM stepping in when a biomom is NOT around vs. one who is actively involved. Just as a SD should not step in and coach a baseball team if Dad wants to do it...there's no need for "stepping in" when the parent is already doing the job.
The answer if not obvious to me J&A. If I had a kid in one school and my SS in another and I was intent on being in the PTA at my SS school it would throw up questions like what was motivating me? Why would I be more invested in my SS education than my own kids?
In your case and by my rules you absolutely should (if you want to be) be on the PTA board because in my opinion and by my rules you are your kids mom.
Do you honestly not see your role/situation as different to Jobs or mine? I certainly do.
Like I said, now that Jobs DD is in the school I see no reason not to be on the PTA.
I think it is sad, for you, that you are not comfortable with the title of mom to all your kids. Did you and DH make any progress with the adoption you posted about a few years back? Not that, by my rules, it will make you more of a mother, just that it may make you feel more comfortable claiming the title (which you wholeheartedly deserve).
I previously turned down the VP position and Treasurer position
I'm so flattered that these women who I respect think that I'm qualified to takeover and trust me with such a huge responsibility.
I want the position. I do. I want to remain involved and working towards the benefit of the students at the school.
Why did you turn down the two other position? IMO, I find it odd that you're so eager now.
I'm glad you realize that running a PTA is a huge responsibility! I've been on the PTA for 4 years - 1 year as treasurer, 1 year as VP, and the last 2 years at President. Our bylaws prohibit, someone being president without serving at least one year on the board. When I was VP, the outgoing president had me work with her on every step to help me be prepared. Running the PTA, as an inexperienced member, leading a partially new board (if BM and her pals quit), is a lot of work.
Finally, there are lots of ways to be involved without being on the PTA.
She turned down the positions to avoid drama with BM. She's always been an active PTA member, and apparently she doesn't need to serve a year on the board to be president at this particular school.
And she and her DH are both very active with the school/their kids' classrooms, not just with the PTA.
I turned it down primarily because I was pregnant at the time. It didn't really have much to do with BM because she wasn't involved at all. She only became actively involved when she heard that I was being offered these positions. From day 1 my husband and I dedicated time and resources to the PTA. He volunteers to help at the events when he's able to, but since he works full time he's unable to be as handson as I am.
Despite how much I enjoy being involved and love contributing to the school and to the students, I really dislike the cattiness that seems to be emerging from some of the members. While most of the members are genuinely trying to help improve things at the school, their are some that just seem hellbent on turning the PTA into their own personal Mean Girl clique. That's another reason I want the position. I want to try and limit the catty gossip at the meetings and events and keep things focused on what they're SUPPOSED to be about, which is the school and ALL the students.
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This kind of thing is why I don't participate in the PTA at DS's school. I'm a member. We go to meetings. We volunteer all year long at the school. But I don't get involved in any of their committees or cliques. I left all of that stuff behind in high school, and it would take either a lot of money or a lot of alcohol for me to willingly walk back into it. =P
If you accept the position, I hope you're able to curb some of the drama. Because I doubt I'm the only one who keeps their distance because of the stuff you mentioned.