Hurt feelings... hormone induced?

duffmaker · January 2013

So I really think this may be due to my hormones but DH really hurt my feelings today and we ended up getting into a small fight about it and I'm still feeling pretty dumpy.

We were watching A Baby Story on TLC earlier today and the one particular episode had a dad in it who was super woozy and had to lay down on the couch.

This sparked DH to start talking about how much he hated being in the L&D room and how awful it was and it kind of felt like a punch to the gut but I shoke it off and said well it's part of the job description at least where our relationship is concerned. That made him start defending his position and explaining all the ways being in the delivery room was horrible and how he just wanted to leave so bad and that it was in absolutely no way pleasant for him and man ladies, that just hurt. My eyes burned from holding back the tears and instead of just crying I fought back and we got into a whole argument with me saying things like "fine then, you don't have to be there. I'll do it myself." etc. which then turned into "I don't want you there and you have made it very clear you don't want to be there" etc. So he said "fine, our mom's can just be there then." Which is where I flipped and told him how I had already told him a million times I don't want anyone else there this time except for the two of us and that I would do it myself and he could stay home with M. (which made me cry even harder just thinking about that, which I know will never actually happen)

After that we didn't talk much for several hours. I was very clear since our argument that what he said really hurt my feelings and that he should have kept his big mouth shut until after the baby, our last baby, was delivered. Now I just feel guilty wanting him to be there and will feel guilty the entire time he is in there, all because I know how much he truly dislikes it. (Because it's oh so pleasant for me too, and I can't walk out of the room and take a break... oh yeah, I pointed that out too. Many times.)

I really wish he'd kept his mouth shut I still feel like crying and I also know it's incredibly silly to take this so personally and to even have fought over it in the first place. Ugh I hate hormones!

bumpuser8448316 · January 2013

Aw, that sucks =(

What were his reasons for not wanting to be there?

I mean, on one hand I get that some men get very queasy when around blood, medical stuff, etc. But, so do women and they don't get a choice. Women carry the baby for 9 months and deal with everything from nausea, vomiting, hemmies, stretch marks, etc. etc. etc. and THEN they have to give birth. The least a man can do is stand by his wife's side while she does so.

I really feel like there is NO excuse for not being in the room at all. Not wanting to watch the whole thing up close? I can get behind that. DH chose to stay close to my head and I was 100% fine with it. I don't think I would want to watch a baby coming out either, LOL.

And yeah, that totally would have hurt my feelings too. Especially the way he said it. Hugs, mama!

duffmaker · January 2013

Thanks

In reality his reason's were pretty sweet, feeling helpless, absolutely no control and no way to make me feel better, seeing the doctor's come in and check me or look at the monitors and write something down and then disappear, etc. my mind didn't really register all of that though. Just how much he kept saying he hated it, for some reason that just felt like a dagger to my heart (not to be dramatic or anything).

He never even went "down town", he stayed by my head 100% of the time. I wouldn't have let him see that anyway hahaha I have enough self confidence issues without knowing he has a picture of that crime scene in his mind... yikes!

I also feel like there is zero excuse to not be there (if he's able), I mean don't they owe us that much? After everything we went through for 9 months and then the wonderful fun of childbirth... and they get to sit pretty in a waiting room chair. I don't think so! Lol

bumpuser8448316 · January 2013

Aw, sounds like good intent but poor execution.

HelgaFunk · January 2013

Ugh. Men can be so insensitive without realizing what they're saying sometimes or how it comes across. Nobody WANTS to be in the hospital but it's part of the package so he can deal with it just like everyone else.

ariaforte8 · January 2013

I can definitely see where you're coming from. I honestly think your DH needs to suck it up. With all that you go through for 9 months, he can deal with being uncomfortable for however long labor takes. I think him not wanting to be there makes him really selfish.

ETA: Are there any classes you can take together that would teach him a "job" to have during labor? Maybe that would make him feel less helpless if he learned some specific technique to be a good support system for you during labor

duffmaker · January 2013

ariaforte8:
ETA: Are there any classes you can take together that would teach him a "job" to have during labor? Maybe that would make him feel less helpless if he learned some specific technique to be a good support system for you during labor

We went to birthing classes last year for M, I mean he did amazing during L&D before... I never would have guessed he despised being there so much, then again he never actually meant he hated being there in general, just that he hated feeling so helpless, his delivery was just super crappy.

I know he took a bit too much xanax that day haha and he did need to take a few breaks, but he was always by my side talking to me, smoothing my hair, doing whatever I asked of him... he really was amazing, he stayed up by my head, holding my hand and cheering me on while pushing (the whole 5 mins lol) and cried when M was born .... so needless to say, I didn't see this whole little "confession" of hatred coming... now I just feel super guilty wanting him there and I REALLY wish he could have saved this discussion until after LO#2 was born hahaha then it wouldn't have mattered if he hated it or not because we wouldn't be going through it again!

flerlgirl · January 2013

That would have hurt my feelings, too! DH and I agreed that all subversive opinions would be kept to ourselves until 2020 because otherwise I know my feelings would be hurt all the time (he's not mean; I am extremely over-sensitive). I hope y'all are able to work it out! Don't feel guilty about him being in there - even if he doesn't like it he'd be sad to miss it!

Alliebooberz · January 2013

My husband doesn't talk about how much he hated the room and environment specifically, but he talks about how HARD it was on him.

.... I labored for 21 hours and birthed a baby without pain meds.... And it was hard on the spectator?? But he swears up and down about how difficult it was for him. I see red whenever he starts talking about it because he doesn't let up lol. Men!!!

courty625 · January 2013

That would've really hurt my feelings too. I agree, it's part of the job description, as least where I'm concerned. I guarantee its harder on us than them and they should find a way to suck it up if for no other than support. My DH has joked (kinda half joke,half he may actually do it if I gave him the ok) that he would be waiting the hall. I made it pretty clear that if he wasn't in the room, there was no need to be in the hall, he could be at home packing his stuff. Maybe that's too harsh, but that's how I feel.

hoopduck · January 2013

That would not have sat well with me either, OP. I don't want anyone in the delivery room except for my Dh, and I would feel pretty scared doing it alone. *hugs* Just keep telling him that what he said made you feel awful as well as scared & guilty. You need his support and he needs to realize that birth is a lot harder for you than it will ever be for him. Don't feel guilty for an instant wanting him there, even if he doesn't want to be there it's his job. Tell him too bad, so sad, get your big boy pants on and let's do this dh!

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