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Adoption
CaptainSerious
member
Adoption (and IF) Distancing Friends and Family
CaptainSerious
member
in Adoption
Jalara made a point in her post below about how she's realized that many of the people they thought they could rely on have not come through for them during their struggles at building a family, and I thought the premise was worth discussing.
Our adoption journey has resulted in distancing many of our closest friends and some family members who just didn't understand why we would want to go down this path and "deal with" all the "negatives" that came with it. This includes:
* some people that I just completely cut out of our lives, like my cousins' family, when his wife asked, "What's wrong with {M}? I mean, why is he still available for adoptoin at such an old age?";
* my brother and his wife, whose lake of understanding/sympathy/compassion really pains me. They don't understand how we could have sought to parent a child with special needs, and they don't understand why we are struggling now, since this is what we wanted, and likely they think we made a mistake by getting in too deep. They now spend less time with us than they did, but they were never around much before anyway. Either way, I try to avoid any conversations about the boys' progress with them, because all they care about is whether or not the boys will "catch up" soon or have "normal" lives;
* most of my friends who just don't understand that I'm not blowing them off because I'm just so enamored with my children, but rather that the boys really do need so much more time and attention than typical children, and since we both work full-time, there's just very little time left in a day.
This is all compounded by my mother fixating on her new belief that I am arbitrarily eliminating old family friends from my life, because I just don't have time to interact with anyone who is not making at least half the effort, and I have enough difficulties in my day so I only actively maintain friendships with positive, drama-free people. She can't understand why I'm "throwing away friendships" with people who have either not contacted me in years, not acknowledged the boys' presence, or have done nothing but criticize me throughout my life, and is making it her mission to try to get me to revive these relationships in my already extremely-limited free-time. She is under some delusion that since our families have been friends for so long, these are the people that I should be relying on, rather than the friends I've made myself along the way who've already shown me time and time again that they are here to support me, come what may.
Which leads me to the uplifting part of this post. I have found those people, and they have proven themselves to be just a great support and truly invested in being positive influences in our lives. I know it's hard to realize that people who you thought understood you and loved you don't understand what you are going through and don't know how or want to make the effort to support you. But that doesn't mean that you are alone. Look around, and if your situation turns out anything like mine, you will find support in the most unlikely and unexpected places. I am so lucky to have this board, and to have the few, solid friends I have. Their honesty, goodness, and love have brought me so far and it what sustains me when things get bleak. And when I have time and energy to spend, it's on them I want to spend it.
Do I still get sad at the loss of those I wish were still close? Of course, but I also know that I am not alone, my family is loved and supported, and that maybe an arm-length relationship with those that have fallen away is actually the best and healthiest thing for us all. You can't force a close relationship with someone to whom you don't feel the connection, but you can keep them just close enough to know that you care about them.
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Re: Adoption (and IF) Distancing Friends and Family
Well said.
I think these types of situations definitely show up in times of need, but it can also happen as just part of everyday life.
I had a friend in college (more of a friend of a friend) whom I've cut off all contact with. At the risk of sounding harsh and ridiculous, she started coming across as a bitter old lady (even though she's my age) who was very judgmental and talked down to me all the time. I couldn't even tell her about my IF struggles as they (of course) paled in comparison to her being perpetually single. And when I mentioned the support of boards like this, she put her arm on my shoulder and said, "You know, you should talk to your real friends, not the ones on the Internet."
But my BFF is still my BFF, and has been supportive from Day 1. And I've met new friends who I can talk to about stuff and not feel judged. Those are the friendships I want to work harder at.
I could have written that Dr. L! I have a friend that could never just listen and say "I'm sorry you're going through this..." She always had to make it about her and how her situation was worse because she's single. I don't disagree that she's sad and has had a hard time as well - in fact, I listened to her a lot. I just didn't turn it around and make it "all about me" the way she tended to do. We're nowhere near as close as we were when we were younger.
I find much more support in other friends. It has taken me a long time to be okay with that, too. It does make me sad that the first friend I talk about above and I do not have the kind of relationship we had in the past.
Yes! DH and I were just talking about this...
Most of our family, with the exception of a couple of people we weren't close to anyways, has been completely fine with Kiddo after the initial reaction (which was less than stellar). I actually don't think adoption itself cause any issues at all. The fact that we chose Kiddo's special needs HAS caused some problems though.
My friends, who I wasn't worried about at all, have pretty much completely disappeared. I think that they were on board with the idea of a child with special needs, even if they thought we were crazy. In practice though, they just can't handle it. Kiddo takes more attention that a typical child...he is noisy, doesn't always have appropriate behavior and has difficulty speaking. I think they are partly uncomfortable, having never been around people with special needs, and partly just annoyed that our focus is now on kiddo. It was disappointing, as these were old friendships, but it is what it is.
I have made friends and met a lot of people that I would never have met if Kiddo had been typical.
I agree so much with what you said. Three years ago I was having trouble with my then 2 year olds behavior at pre-school. (I ended up moving him from that pre-school and have not had trouble since. I was discussing it with my best friend and stating how hard it was to be called to the school every day for behavior that they should have been able to handle. (I am a single parent and I would have to leave work every day.) The entire pre-school class was out of control, and I honestly felt that they were just calling me to "help them out" at nap time because when I was in there the class behaved. She simply replied to me, "This IS what you wanted right?" Kind of like since I wanted children, I could never be upset when I was struggling.
We are still good friend becuase she has supported me in other ways (even with the children), but that one statement has always hurt my feelings and has changed our relationship in a small way.
I think that many of my friends thought that I was crazy for adopting as a single parent. For the most part, they have come together and accepted my children and are wonderful with them though.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.