I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2013

Mobile Bumpers: I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Sorry in advance about the tl;dr

As I posted earlier, my fairly close friend's mom is in her final days.

Another friend emailed us earlier today. It looks like the funeral would be next weekend (the 19-20).

I will be going to the funeral, and I plan on going with my husband and kids. I want to explain to my oldest DD what is going on, but I am not ready to go into full details.

I just don't want to traumatize her with death - I remember as a kid, when I learned about death, I was terrified everyone would just die. I was too little to understand the concept of people typically getting old and sick first, and so I would cry at night because I was afraid my parents and my brother would be dead when I woke up the next morning.

Right now, DD1 thinks that being dead means "to go with the stars". I like that idea, and I want to go along with it.

I was thinking I could explain to her that a funeral is a "party" for the person who has become a star, and that people are sad because when you're a star, you can't talk or see people anymore. I like using that star image because I can tell her that even though the person is gone, she can still look upon the stars and see their star and talk to them if she wants to. I feel that it's a concept simple enough for her to grasp without being too traumatizing.

My mom thinks I shouldn't go with this "stars nonsense". I've always been one to tell the truth about things to my child (like when she asks about where babies come from, for instance), but this is just too much for me, and I feel using the star analogy would help ME talk to my child about death.

What does everyone think? Should I just suck it up and tell it like it is? Or would it be acceptable to maybe embellish the truth?

(In case anyone is wondering, we're not a religious family, so going the God and angels route just isn't something I'd be comfortable with.)

NotSharknado · January 2013

Kids can only grasp so much info. So if the stars thing makes sense to her, so be it. Too much info, especially at 3, does no good for her or you.

BabyQuizzle · January 2013

Yes I like your idea especially since it is coming from her thoughts. Go with your gut and help her grasp the concept. Hugs mama

JaysonandKristin · January 2013

Just a thought...

How do you transition from this story to the truth? Just something to think about when you lay the base of this star story.

There's an explanation on the SAHM board from KateB1987 or something like that. It's absolutely beautiful, although I don't know how relevant it would be to a 3.5 year old. I will try to find it...

countrywed · January 2013

Go with the stars idea.

When LO is old enough I will first describe death as going to be with god and that you can talk to them just like god

bundymommy · January 2013

JaysonandKristin:
Just a thought...
How do you transition from this story to the truth? Just something to think about when you lay the base of this star story.
There's an explanation on the SAHM board from KateB1987 or something like that. It's absolutely beautiful, although I don't know how relevant it would be to a 3.5 year old. I will try to find it...

This. You mentioned you don't believe in God, so in your shoes, I would use whatever my own personal belief is and try to weave that into the star story, like JandK said. I would think it would also be traumatizing for a child who believes everyone turns into stars in the sky to one day find out that just really isn't true.

Death is such a difficult subject for children. I can't imagine what you are going through. Hugs during this difficult time!

JaysonandKristin · January 2013

This is a post from KateB1987 on the SAHM board from awhile ago... I really respect her parenting style/philosophy. Parenting Beyond Belief is a book that has a few chapters about dealing with death with children without religion.We talk about how bodies wear out and stop working. We talk about composting and how things turn into dirt and go back to the earth, and that's where our bodies will do, and that will make plants grow and continue to cycle into new things. We talk about how everyone takes 'turns' on the earth, and if people never died, there would be no room for new babies to be born, and those people who died had finished their "turn" on the earth.When DS1 was afraid of death, I told him that it's like he hates to go to bed, some some special occasions when he stays up way past bedtime, he asks to go to bed because he's so tired. Death is like that: after a long, complete life, you're 'ready' for it to be over, and it won't be scary anymore.We talk about how we're not afraid of before we were born (we didn't exist), so there's nothing to be afraid of about death, because we just go back to that not-scary non-existance.When DS1 was anxious about preschool, I told him I'd carry him in my heart while I was away from him, and he agreed to carry me in his. When we talk about death, we talk about how people stay "alive" in our hearts, and in our thoughts and in the stories we tell people about them.We watched a movie in which Elmo wishes it was Christmas every day, and then learns that it's not fun anymore because it's not special. I talk to DS1 about how life is short, and that's why it's so special, and if there was no end, it would take away from how amazing and special life is. When he gets older, I plan to read him books like Tuck Everlasting to further explore this concept.I was afraid of death as a child, so I'm careful not to shy away from the subject when DS1 asks. It's hard to be sure, but the more we talk about it, the easier it gets. We've had some distant family members and friends die, as well as a few pets of close family members, so it's come up quite a lot.

BabyQuizzle · January 2013

I think using the stars as a physical reminder that loved ones are still with us even though they are far away in the heavens is a great use of er own thoughts. When I pray, I often lool to the heavens and the stars are a big part of that. What your daughter believes kind of sounds like what Mufassa says in the Lion King. Has she watched that movie lately? If not maybe you can watch it together as it deals with dying in a way that is dieecred at kids... Minus the whole scary Scar part.

I have also heard stars describes as holes in the floor of heaven so the loed ones in heaven can watch down on us and know we are ok without them.

kjgilhoo · January 2013

It's a tough one, but I would tell as much of the truth as possible. You can run with the look to the stars bit but I would be cautious of making up an elaborate story.

During tragic event training I've always been taught to avoid common euphemisms and names surrounding death ("a long sleep", "passed away", "gone", etc.) they can be really confusing to a child and may cause them to be scared. They also create more difficulties for the parent when the truth needs to be told.

3.5 is awful young but if she's asking I think she deserves honest answers. I think too often children are sheltered from death and that it does more harm than good.

Rachey1082 · January 2013

I don't have any good advice. I wanted to say ::hugs:: and I know you're a strong mama. Believe in yourself and listen to your gut.

xoxo

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2013

JaysonandKristin:
This is a post from KateB1987 on the SAHM board from awhile ago... I really respect her parenting style/philosophy.

Thanks for digging it up for me. I enjoyed reading it.

And thank you everyone for the advice. Just so I'm clear, it's not that I don't believe in God, it's more that I don't really believe in a specific religion.

DD has been talking about death and asking a lot of questions about it this week - even before I found out about my friend's mom. I've been trying to answer her questions as truthfully as possible - all the while keeping my answers easy enough for a 3-year old to process. I really appreciate everyone's input. This is such a difficult talk to have...

tandb2010 · January 2013

I like the whole thing except that I wouls say that the poeple are sad because they can't see the person. Not that the person can't see them. If that makes sence. I like to think that somewhere the people that I love that have been lost are watching me and still loving me. But I am odd like that.
But yes going to the stars is awesome. When I was little people who died got to go play in the clouds.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · January 2013

tandb2010:
I like the whole thing except that I would say that the people are sad because they can't see the person. Not that the person can't see them.

Writing fail on my part - That is exactly what I meant. Doh!

Want a personalized experience?

I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Re: I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Re: I don&#039;t want to lie to my 3-year old but...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: I don't want to lie to my 3-year old but...