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Working Moms
traveltheworld
member
Anyone else resent being the main source of income?
traveltheworld
member
in Working Moms
I feel incredibly guilty for feeling like this, but ever since I've had DS, I've been feeling resentful for being the main bread-winner in the family. Both DH and I work, but I make about 3 times what he makes, and our lifestyle is dependant on my income. I've always been the more ambitious one, and although DH has always claimed that he wanted to move up the corporate ladder, I always knew that he didn't really have the work ethics or motivation to do so. But, he is a very kind and loving person and we've been together for a decade before having DS.
I never used to mind much that I had to work really long hours because I like my job and I like the lifestyle the money from my job provided. But ever since having DS, I often find myself thinking how nice it would be if I can have a "normal" job and not have to work 12 - 14 hours a day. I have talked to DH about this and his response is that he'd try harder to find a better job; but like I said, in my heart, I know that's not really going to happen, and I don't want to the one pushing him into something he doesn't really want. So I just get frustrated. I find that I'm snapping at him more and more often, which I realize is very unhelpful. I guess there is no real point to this post, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same way.
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Re: Anyone else resent being the main source of income?
And to this poster, you can "discuss these things before marriage" until the cows come home, but until you have kids, you can't fully anticipate how you're going to feel. Obviously she feels guilty and is having a hard time with this. Lighten up.
Who wants the lifestyle - him or you?
If you want fancy stuff and new cars and vacations and he doesn't, then its kinda on you to support that. If your DH could be happy w/ less, why should he have to get a different job to support a lifestyle that only you want? Now, if you are working to provide things for him that you don't want/care about and he's not willing to either adjust his demands/desires or find another job to support those things, that's an issue.
Oh I forgot to add that we are looking to curtail back our spending so that I can potentially look into getting into a less well-paying job in a few years. But in the mean time, I just feel like I'm being mean to DH. As an example, DH bought me a very expensive bracelet for Christams. I've wanted it for ages, but didn't want to get it due to cost. And when he gave it to me on Christmas morning, the only thing I could think of was "seriously?!?! You are wasting $ on this? If I wanted to spend my hard-earned money on this, I would have gone out and got this myself"; and although I didn't say that to him, I had a hard time feining any type of excitement and I'm making him return it, and that made me feel like a complete b*tch.
To clarify, we don't have a very lavish lifestyle in terms of material possessions, although we do spend heavily on traveling (which we are cutting back on). I grew up very poor so I have major issues with financial security. As a result, I save very aggressively (and realize that is a lifestyle choice), almost too aggressively. Whereas DH grew up very comfortably middle-class, so he doesn't see the need to save the way I do. So again, I recognize that it is MY choice that put us in the position we are in. It's funny, I always thought that as I got older and more established, my fear of financial insecurity would diminish, but it seems to have gotten worst; and now with DS, I constantly worry about what happens if I loose my job. And sometimes I just wish that I can have the comfort of knowing that if I lost my job, we wouldn't loose the house etc.
I can relate a little bit.. but in a different way.. when DH and I first started dating he was working in a completely different field and I was still in college.. he was making a very respectible salary for someone his age.. when we purchased our home, we made all the financial decisions solely based off of his salary that way, when I started bringing in an income, it was for flexible spending only.. it was important to me, and DH, that my salary was more "optional" because we knew we wanted kids.. and were hoping for 3 or 4 as a family.. anyway, shortly after we bought our home, DH was laid off.. after a year and a half he finally took a job elsewhere in a similar field but at over a $40K paycut. No biggie at first, because we were told he'd move up fast.. but, a few years later and his salary is still drastically different.. now that we have our son and a second child on the way.. this would be when I would stay home for a while with the kids.. but, instead, it's not an option..
I understand your guilt and your resentment.. I've felt it and still do feel it.. we've discussed that when LO#2 comes, I'm either switching to P/T or leaving my job and picking up P/T work elsewhere.. it's what will work best for us.. I'll still be bringing in some money to cover all my finances.. but, I'll also have that flexibility to be home with my babies 2 extra days a week.. our options were find a compromise or move.. and, we love our home.. the whole point we purchased a 5 bedroom house was so that we could set down our roots.. grow as a family in this home.. neither one of us want to walk away from that yet.. so, in the meantime, it means some sacrifices..
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
To answer your original question, yes, at times. DH could, theoretically, shift his career to a more lucrative area, still within his basic field. Up to this point, he has not been interested in doing that. I recently had the realization that I have been sticking it out in a position that is not 100% what I love doing (and sacrificing a lot of time with my children) because our family depends on the money. Not for a lavish lifestyle, just to pay the bills and meet our savings goals. Well, why am I the only one in the relationship who is expected to do that?
It sounds like counceling would be a good thing to look into again. It sounds like you're looking for a different job, or better hours but in the mean time you need help with dealing with this resentment. I hope you're able to get some help with coping during this transitional time.
this.
also: early parenthood is all about change and adjustment for ALL parties involved. just because you've always been ok with something, doesn't mean it has to be the way it is foreverandeveramen. I don't think it's horrible to feel out the possibility of being able to switch off who steps up to the plate, and who gets to coast along a little bit.
That is a bad move. Don't make him return it. For starters its something that you wanted in the first place and obviously he was trying to make you happy.
Returning it screams you are not good enough to make me happy, nice try.
I know this because I felt this way several years ago with my dh. But I knew he was way smarter and more ambitious than I would ever be, but he was in a rut. Some events happened since that motivated him and now he makes twice as much as me. It's hard but you have to talk about this, look at your lifestyle and switch your career path if you are having these toxics feelings.
I totally understand the way the OP feels. I'm the breadwinner in my household. I never wanted to be (I had a PT job that I loved and made good money) but due to the bad economy (and DH's lack of motivation) I ended up having to change jobs and "bring home the bacon". DH has since started to step up, but we are at the point of no return for me. I can never go back to my old job, so I have to love my new one and move on.
But as much as I can sympathize with you, I have to agree with Kathryn. Neither DH or I want "fancy things" so it's easy for me to say "you need to pull your own weight". But if I wanted nice new cars, or fancy clothes, then I need to be the one pulling in the money for those fancy things, KWIM?
First, I have to say mabenner1's post is a bit unfair. Marriages and lives are not static, and emotions aren't always "fair," and I don't think your being upset is unreasonable.
I get it--I don't make twice as much as my husband does but I do earn significantly more, and we couldn't live anywhere decent and safe on his salary. We discussed before we were even engaged what we wanted--and that I expected he obtain a better paying job that would allow me to be home for a bit when we had kids, or take on a job that I enjoyed that was a lot less stressful, even if it paid significantly less (if I've got to leave my kids during the day, I would like to at least enjoy my job). He assured me that's what he wanted and that was his plan too. Our kids are now almost school aged, and guess what? He's still in the same darned low paying job and I'm stuck in a career I hate to make up for that. I don't think he's lazy, necessarily, just that he hid, very well, his lack of "get up and go/grab the bull by the horns" skills. I think the idea of asking for a raise makes him nauseous, so I'm left in that role ALL THE TIME and it disgusts me.
Had I known this would the case before marriage, I might have reconsidered things. But what's done is done and I've decided I have to do my best not to resent him (even if only externally) for the sake of our marriage and our kids. I know in this age of prevalent divorce and take-care-of-yourself -first mentality, that sounds old fashioned or perhaps, to some, pathetic, but it's the way I come out on things when all is balanced. That said, I won't say my disappointment isn't valid and nor is yours. Perhaps, though, you could consider adjusting your standard of living and seek out that job that gives you more satisfaction and time with your son, even if it means less income.
Good luck--I know it's a tough spot to be in and I hope things get better!
Yes. I can totally relate. I make 2x what DH makes. It upsets me because he could technically make just as much as me if he bothered to try (we have the same professional qualifications), and I'm stuck in my current job, which I no longer want to do, because we need the money.
I don't know what to tell you. When I get really upset about it, I just think - I can either accept it or leave him. I don't want to leave him so I accept it. But it does suck sometimes.
I make almost several times what DH makes, but it has never been an issue for me. He loves what he does and he works flexible hours so he can be home with our daughter during the day saving us a lot of money on daycare. But I also work in a very family friendly place and don't work long hours, can work from home, etc. you need to do what works for you. Make a reasonable budget, relax and try to cut back on your hours or see if you can work sometimes from home.