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Blended Families
Overheard SD talking abt apartments
I accidently posted this on Patenring instead of BF. I don't need advice or anything I just had to tell someone.
I heard SD on the phone and heard her talking about apartments whoever she was talking to was referring her to an apartment website. She's a senior in HS and last we knew she was planning on going to a local university next year and living on campus. She's only been with us a few months and while we haven't had any major problems it has become quite apparent that she isn't used to doing anything for herself except her laundry and is incredibly high maintenance. I'm blown away she thinks she can get an apartment.
I know she's eager to move out, but any type of responsibility we try to give her is either blown off, or seen as unfair. The latter of which is encouraged by her mother who apparently thinks SD should be given anything and everything she wants without putting in any effort.
If she tries to go through with this it is going to turn out badly. DH is already fed up with the entitlement "monster" that BM created in her. If she announces plans to move out, I just don't see that conversation going well. DH wouldn't get mad or anything, but SD will when DH tells her what a ridiculous idea it is.
This should be an interesting few months.
I heard SD on the phone and heard her talking about apartments whoever she was talking to was referring her to an apartment website. She's a senior in HS and last we knew she was planning on going to a local university next year and living on campus. She's only been with us a few months and while we haven't had any major problems it has become quite apparent that she isn't used to doing anything for herself except her laundry and is incredibly high maintenance. I'm blown away she thinks she can get an apartment.
I know she's eager to move out, but any type of responsibility we try to give her is either blown off, or seen as unfair. The latter of which is encouraged by her mother who apparently thinks SD should be given anything and everything she wants without putting in any effort.
If she tries to go through with this it is going to turn out badly. DH is already fed up with the entitlement "monster" that BM created in her. If she announces plans to move out, I just don't see that conversation going well. DH wouldn't get mad or anything, but SD will when DH tells her what a ridiculous idea it is.
This should be an interesting few months.
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Re: Overheard SD talking abt apartments
Oh dear! Who would be footing the bill for this apartment and utilities and renters insurance and all the items to furnish said apartment? I'd mention to SD what you and DH are prepared to give in terms of financial support after high school. If you and DH aren't comfortable with her living in an apartment, then tell her that you guys will in no way support that move. If BM wants to pay for an apartment, then let her.
IMO, living in the dorms is a rite of passage!
The college I attended required freshman to live in the dorms or at home. For me, it was a good transition. The dorms had curfews and meal plans which helped me balance the new level of freedom. Traci, the floor's RA, would casually remind some of the girls to tidy up, or deal with noise complaints or any violations. I left high school thinking I was ready to be on my own....looking back, I realize how na?ve I was!
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My youngest sister had to move back in with my parents w/my niece after her divorce. She was a slob. 5 years later she has just moved out on her own again and WOW she has done a 180 at the new place. She makes people remove their shoes when they enter.
As for the entitlement monster, some may indeed be due to BM but I'm gonna tell you it really seems to be a generational thing and RAMPANT.
Good Luck and try to keep a cool head.
Here's the thing...its not ALL BM's fault. Where was SD's father? Unless he had NO visitation, he has some responsibility too.
I agree. Even if SD dad wasn't involved it's still part his fault for not wanting to be involved until now. Just because BM had more time with SD doesn't mean it's automatically all her fault...
Anyway having time in an apartment helps make people grow up. If you feel she's not ready and she goes ahead and signs a lease then she'll learn about responsibility real quick.
As much as I hate and am somewhat shamed to admit, this was me. My parents were on my case all the time to clean my room, put away my dishes, vacuum, etc. As soon as I moved out and had my own place, I was a totally different person. Heck, I even learned to cook. Once someone is faced with no longer having a live in maid/cook aka parents, they learn to adapt. Maybe not everyone, but those who don't adapt and change find themselves moving back home pretty fast.
As long as she isn't expecting your DH to pay for the apartment, let her do it. She'll either sink or swim. But in my opinion, your DH shouldn't be giving her any monetary support if she moves out. If SD thinks she's adult enough to get her own place, then she's adult enough to pay her own bills.
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This. She will sink or swim. You always want them to swim, but we all have to learn on our own. I would let her learn from her own mistakes and successes, offer SUPPORTIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE advice when she asks for it or is receptive to it but don't shove it down her throat. Other than that, if she thi ks she is grown, let her have the reaponsibilty of being grown. As long as things remain open and peaceful, if she needed to, your arms would hopefully be open in the future. But that is not an invitation to lapse back into kiddie habitsdle and feel like you are going to rescue her, either. Just make sure she knows you are there without the "I told you so" if that's the way you want it to be. If/when she moves out, you don't want her to ever have the option to come back, then make that known, too, I guess.
As a side note, most colleges require freshman to live on campus unless they are commuters who live with a parent/guardian within a certain distance 30 miles, 50 miles, etc. Also, she may be excited to look at moving out because she is 18 and starting college, but it may never even go through. Even at my stage in life, I love thinking about doing things and even planning them out withoit ever actuually doing them. Lol.
I'm not giving H a pass on this at all because he has been indulgent at times which he is now regretting, but we didn't realize the extent until she was here full time. It seems that BM, in her desire to provide her best for the kids and protect them from disappointment, has had a hard time setting limits financially and timewise. SD was shocked a few weeks ago when she found out a friend couldn't afford somethingan item SD has had and used up 4 of the past year intentionally vague. Meanwhile, there had been numerous occasions of utilities being cut off at BM's.
See this is where I guess I end up being a crappy StepMother. I believe in being honest (age appropriate of course) with children.
You can point out the wrong actions people take without saying that they are bad. You can use bad decisions/actions as jumping off points for discussions and learning moments. And you can stand up for yourself at ANY TIME, when the other parent makes it out to be your fault.
The first time the utilities were cut off, did your DH say ANYTHING of substance to his kids?
For the first 3 years with SS, DH danced around the issues with BM a bit too much. He would defend HIS actions, but never point out that it was BM's bad decisions which forced him to make his.
The year BM did NOT pay for SS to go to her house for Christmas Break and he got nasty, I watched DH try to mitigate it with him. That was until he turned his nastiness onto DD.
I clearly and calmly said to him "Do not take out your dissappointment with yoru mother on Mpnkey and I. She had a full year and 3 months to save up enough money to have you visit. Hardwood floors are not a necessity, seeing your son is"
He has only brought up holiday visits one other time. I reiterated my previous statement and reminded him that she also chose not to get him for his Spring Break and Thanksgiving breaks (all week long events) either. But that DH always got him, even when DH was in Germany and SS was in the states.
DH got upset with me, but damn it, hoping and praying that these kids SEE the truth when the truth is never shown to them just dumb.
I could not have said it better. Age appropriate and constructive, of course, but honest nonetheless.