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Natural Birth
horsevaulter
member
DH role in delivery
horsevaulter
member
Hello! I am a FTM and am trying to think of good advice to give to my DH to prepare him to help me out through labor and delivery. I am planning a water birth with him as my support. I have read a few books and am currently reading Hypnobirthing. What is the best way I can help DH prepare to help me? He is extremely busy right now and literally has NO extra time to read anything or take classes. He will free up in March but I am due in March... Thanks! 
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Re: DH role in delivery
You will probably need some support as a FTM, my DH was by my side for 12 hours doing massage, reminding me about positions and being attentive to my needs (cold wash cloths, walking with me, affirmations, etc.) but by the second and third births, I didn't need him so much. If you have awesome midwives, a girlfriend who has had natural delivery or a doula (if you have extra $, that would be great to have around during the labor. But if your DH is just overwhelmed, try to watch some good movies about labor/delivery with him.
The National Geographic In the Womb is great b/c it shows a natural water birth (if I remember correctly) and he can have a good idea of what is to come and how to help. Also if he hasn't read much, the Business of Being Born/More Business of Being Born might either motivate or scare him, so you better watch first and decide.
Plus you can watch some you tube videos of amazing water births that might help him. Pick out a couple that you've watched before - one with a loud working mom and one with a quiet working mom (you never know how you'll be - it was different for each of my births).
Good luck, I'm sure talking and reading him interesting facts or working on scripts with him will help him prepare also, but I highly advise having a sister/girlfirend/mom who had a natural birth there to add a calming, helpful effect. After my first birth my DH said, "How do couples do that alone?! It's hard on me and WAY hard on you and we had 3 other people helping plus the midwife and nurse!"
...baby #3 is here...
All of this is perfect advice...watch videos together so he knows what to expect, hire a doula if you can...my hubs read the "important chapters" of The Birth Partner maybe two weeks before my due date (one week before little man was born), and he did great (they have a long version and a section that has specific page numbers to go to for specific advice).
Good luck, mama!
)
I was in a similar situation. I wanted a natural delivery, with my DH as my support person, but he was not able to devote as much time to researching like I would have hoped. The only real preparation DH did was a regular birth class our hospital put on. Even then, he only went to two of the four classes. Thankfully, our class was taught by a Doula and she gave great advice for supporting mom during labor and DH knew how important it was for him to really pay attention.
I started to look into hiring a Doula, but DH and I had a heart-to-heart and he basically said he'd be there for me, whatever I needed, and we decided we could do this together on our own.
If I tried to throw information I had read at DH, he would get overwhelmed and change the subject quickly, however, every once in a while, he'd ask me something that told me he really was preparing, just in his own way. I learned to let him come to me with questions or things to discuss, and I had to trust that he would - thankfully he did! As things got closer, I'd ask him if there was anything he had questions about or anything he wanted to talk about regarding labor. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't.
When the time came, he was awesome. Maybe not as proactive as a Doula would have been, but he read the situation beautifully. At home, I wanted to be alone mostly (which I did not expect!) and he would quietly ask if he could get me anything or do anything for me and then he gave me space. At the hospital, we had a nurse and/or Midwife in the room the whole time and they made a lot of suggestions on positions, etc. When they hadn't for a while, DH did. He also held my hand the entire time (which is really what I wanted the most, I did not want to let go of his hand), rubbed my shoulders, offered me water, helped me to the bathroom and kept telling me what a good job I was doing (this was one of my specific requests, for him, who is typically not very forthcoming with encouragement or compliments, to be very vocal). He never left my side and literally helped me get through the entire process - he even physically supported me as I gave birth!
To be totally honest, I was a bit nervous of how DH would handle the whole thing (he does not like when I'm sick or anything), but he was absolutely amazing and a true labor partner. It was honestly the most amazing bonding experience and I'm really thankful we were able to do this amazing thing together.
My advice, do whatever preparation together you can, however little it may be. Have continued, ongoing discussion about birth and speak candidly about how much he feels he'll be able to support you. Also, consider a Doula or student Doula for an extra source of support and experience.
We studied several different natural pain management techniques and to be honest, the ones we planned on using were kinda useless to me during labor and we ended up going with other ones, so I think preparing your husband to be flexible and ready to do whatever it is in this world that will help you is the best route. Having several different options ready to go is probably good - maybe practice some massage, write out some soothing words of encouragement.
Two things worked for me: having hot water poured on my belly during contractions while I was in the tub. While I labored out of the tub, hot rice socks helped and it took my husband + my mom's full time attention to keep the socks rotating and hot enough to work - we were all exhausted by the end of it.
If he can't make the time right now, that's okay, try to slip things into conversation that you are reading and learning. It isn't just about him supporting you but understanding what is going on so that he doesn't need support when the big moment comes. There is nothing worse than a dad who requires medical attention while you're in labor. You don't want him to be surprised by things.
It may be a good idea to have a birth plan written out. Even if it isn't something you'd give to the hospital, just so he knows your wishes. If you aren't working through class discussions together about different things you want for your L&D, he might not remember what you wanted if there is a decision you can't make yourself at the time.
I did not have a water birth but I can say that my husband did an awesome job, even though I didn't ask anything of him ahead of time. He stayed quiet/across the room when I needed him to (not during pushing, just during parts of labor when I needed absolute quiet). He kept himself busy and seemed to know when I needed him back by my side.
During pushing, he alternated between putting a cold wet washcloth on my head, giving me sips of water, and fanning me with a magazine. I was SO HOT. But he did great.
I think part of it was, I didn't give him a lot of direction or instructions. Too much pressure can sometimes be too much, ya know?
If your H has no time to read or prepare by taking classes then you need to find an alternative support person. Yes, your H may want to be your support but during L&D you will not be able to tell him what you need or walk him through things. There is to much going on and you will need to focus on contractions. The preparation is key for a natural birth so that your H knows what to expect and what to do during labor without you telling him. I would highly suggest you find another support person like a doula who can walk your H through things during labor. A doula will guide your H through your L&D and tell/show him how he can help you at various times. If you cannot afford a doula maybe a sister, mom or friend could take classes with you and serve as your support person during L&D.
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Once I got to transition labour, I was really shutting everything else out and just layed in the bath. It was so much effort to even open my eyes or speak. So it was really helpful that DH could answer questions for me and keep offering sips of gingerale and stayed very calm. He whispered encouraging things in my ear and while I didn't respond, they helped.
Our nursing staff was amazing too and reminded us both of things like slowing down my breathing when I started to hyperventilate and told me when I was pushing the correct way. While it is helpful if your DH can be somewhat educated on the process and your preferences, a lot of it seemed to come intuitively (just as you would take care of any sick person).
Like PP posters have said, you don't really know what you want until you get there and your DH will just have to read the situation. I thought I would want massages etc. but I really did not want to be touched that much.
Have him watch The Business of Being Born.
I don't care how busy anyone is, an upcoming child and wife's delivery thereof is important enough to clear some room in the schedule. My husband and I took a single 1 day childbirth/nursing/baby care class together and DH, who had only ever seen TV deliveries felt that it was amazingly helpful for him to get an idea of what the reality is like, etc.
What was most useful to me though was DH being on the same page with me about what procedures I did and didn't want and why I did or didn't want them. That way when I was stressed/in pain/tired, he could be my communicator to hospital staff. We also worked through how best to coach me, what he could do to help me get through the labor pains (i.e. reminding me that the pain ends, making me laugh, etc), and various methods of pain management he could help with like helping me squat and rubbing my back and hips.
Oh, also, DH who has just peered over my shoulder said "tell him to start doing curls now so that he can have the arm strength" as DH ended up holding my knee up and back for the whole of pushing and couldn't keep his arm steady for a day afterward!
Yup, get a doula. My doula helped DH to know what to do to really help me. That was probably the smartest thing I ever did, hiring her.
We watched The Business of Being Born together as well. That was a real eye-opener for him.
I also highlighted my favorite parts of my labor and delivery books, so he could skim through them.
Also, each time I went to the dr and was stuck in the waiting room, I'd write note cards of quotes, phrases, etc to take along to labor with me. I gave them to him at the hospital so he could read them to me at appropriate times in labor. He was amazing.
A 3-hour yoga for labor class helped us get on the same page.
We also wrote my "birth plan" together, which basically helped him know my preferences (we didn't actually share this with anyone else).
We also talked a bit about my pain tolerance and made up an "out" word so he'd know when I really wasn't okay and when I was just uncomfortable and complaining.