Temporary Secret TTA?

victoria+james · January 2013

So as many of you probably remember DH was onboard with TTC for a matter of days before changing his mind. Well a few days ago he announces at lunch with my parents that he's ready to start trying to have kids. I didn't even bring up to him that maybe this should have been a private convo because I'm terrified I'll scare away his change of heart!

I want to be excited, but I'm afraid he'll change his mind again. I even considered secretly TTA for a little while until I can tell if he's Really on board.

I don't want to lie to him, but according to FF my fertile window is coming up and as badly as I want a baby I'll be heartbroken if we succeed and he has decided we should wait.

Any advise?

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

Fvucking grow a pair and talk like an adult with him. You constant going back and forth bullshlt is annoying. Having a baby isn't a game.

mabjcb19 · January 2013

If you think he's not sure then don't do it. Take the risk at him changing his mind and have a serious conversation.

victoria+james · January 2013

Mysterious_wife:
Fvucking grow a pair and talk like an adult with him. You constant going back and forth bullshlt is annoying. Having a baby isn't a game.

No shiite it isn't a game. Why do you think I'm bothering with the idea holding out? Because I enjoy wanting a baby but not being able to have one?

I did have a conversation with him about it and he says he "just decided" he's ready. I know that for me it was like a light switch, but seeing as he has been on again off again I'd hate for him to be off again after we have conceived.

I'm sorry you think I'm annoying but this is a board for people with "babies on the brain" so what the helll do you expect? I have babies on the brain, so do many other women on here. It's a generic board that draws a broad range of people.

I'm asking for legitimate advise maybe from someone who has experienced something similar. If making the decision for you and YH was so simple then maybe you just have no advise for me.

I have had a conversation with DH, I've had many. What I'm expressing is that despite all the talking we have done I'm worried... which you have All said is normal when starting TTC... that he may change his mind again. Hence the question.

Believe it or not I don't post because I enjoy being emotionally beaten, I'm searching for answers when I've done the obvious already, like had an adult conversation.

budzekkj · January 2013

If you're worried he's fickle, then wait before trying. Sounds like that's what you wanted to hear and it's definitely the answer you got from this board. If you're not both totally sure and excited, wait. It's okay to wait. Focus your obsession on a hobby it'll be hard to do as often as you'd like with little ones.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

We can't tell you what to do. You as a couple have to answer this. We have given you advice and you come back a week later with the same thing. Go back on BC and revisit this in 6 months

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

Here is us try to help you with links to your other post.

https://m.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70603672.aspx

Really. Chill out. Drop the baby game. Grow up. Revisit in 6 months. Post here all you want.

victoria+james · January 2013

budzekkj:
If you're worried he's fickle, then wait before trying. Sounds like that's what you wanted to hear and it's definitely the answer you got from this board. If you're not both totally sure and excited, wait. It's okay to wait. Focus your obsession on a hobby it'll be hard to do as often as you'd like with little ones.

I do know that its ok to wait, even if I don't particularly want to, lol! I'm just wondering if wanting kids can be as easy as him changing his mind overnight. But not just from "not quite yet" to "now"... But from "lets wait a year" to "now".

I'm hoping that made sense.

MrsRustyGriswold · January 2013

IMO, the fact that you would even consider some "secret" way to TTA is a huge sign that YOU are not ready to be a parent, let alone whether he is ready. If you two can't be totally honest and open about the entire process, you shouldn't be moving forward in this.

bugandbibs · January 2013

Secretly TTA is as bad as secretly ttc. No good can come of it. Seriously, you need to figure your stuff out before you even think about ttc. You and YH are all over the place. If you don't think he is sincere I would tell him that and wait awhile.

victoria+james · January 2013

Mysterious_wife:
We can't tell you what to do. You as a couple have to answer this. We have given you advice and you come back a week later with the same thing. Go back on BC and revisit this in 6 months

I apologize if you feel its the same thing over and over.

Not all of us have been on the baby train very long. Many of us don't even have 1 child yet. So every week is a new experience for us newbies.

My husband announcing he wants to try was a new thing for me. I'm trying to process it and reaching out to ladies in similar positions.

bugandbibs · January 2013

victoria+james:
Mysterious_wife:
We can't tell you what to do. You as a couple have to answer this. We have given you advice and you come back a week later with the same thing. Go back on BC and revisit this in 6 months
I apologize if you feel its the same thing over and over. Not all of us have been on the baby train very long. Many of us don't even have 1 child yet. So every week is a new experience for us newbies. My husband announcing he wants to try was a new thing for me. I'm trying to process it and reaching out to ladies in similar positions.

Which is why you should listen to those of us who have been around a lot longer. I think you feel attacked so much because you recognize the truth in what we are saying, but don't want to believe it.

MrsRustyGriswold · January 2013

bugandbibs:
I think you feel attacked so much because you recognize the truth in what we are saying, but don't want to believe it.

Word.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

MrsRustyGriswold:
bugandbibs:
I think you feel attacked so much because you recognize the truth in what we are saying, but don't want to believe it.

Word.

To your mother

kiki1978 · January 2013

IMHO anything that you feel you have to do in secret is not a good idea. I think a serious heart to heart about how he keeps changing his mind and how that affects you is a good idea. Good luck!

victoria+james · January 2013

Mysterious_wife:
MrsRustyGriswold:
bugandbibs:
I think you feel attacked so much because you recognize the truth in what we are saying, but don't want to believe it.

Word.

To your mother

I will think on this. You present an interesting viewpoint.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

Go ask TTGP and see if they have different opinions. 20 on a bucket of chicken, it will be ver close to our opinions here.

gamergirl522 · January 2013

Mysterious_wife:
Go ask TTGP and see if they have different opinions. 20 on a bucket of chicken, it will be ver close to our opinions here.

She won't come to TTGP. We're too mean.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

gamergirl522:
Mysterious_wife:
Go ask TTGP and see if they have different opinions. 20 on a bucket of chicken, it will be ver close to our opinions here.
She won't come to TTGP. We're too mean.

"We're" too mean. You have 389 post. I doubt you are considered all of TTGP or a regular yet.

gamergirl522 · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
Mysterious_wife:
gamergirl522:
Mysterious_wife:
Go ask TTGP and see if they have different opinions. 20 on a bucket of chicken, it will be ver close to our opinions here.
She won't come to TTGP. We're too mean.
"We're" too mean. You have 389 post. I doubt you are considered all of TTGP or a regular yet.
There are scary big meanies like me there that agree with what you have said 100%.
Rawr.

Yes

Excitedtostart · January 2013

I should come back more frequently. I miss the crazy.

OP - you should totes secretly TTA. I recommend all out lying. If your H gets suspicious you could always fake a pregnancy until you figure out how he feels. I think they sell those fake stomach pads on Amazon.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

Crazy is entertaining.

pohare33 · January 2013

If your H gets suspicious you could always fake a pregnancy until you figure out how he feels. I think they sell those fake stomach pads on Amazon.

I mean, it worked for a little while on Glee

mrstengallonhat1 · January 2013

victoria+james:
Mysterious_wife:
Fvucking grow a pair and talk like an adult with him. You constant going back and forth bullshlt is annoying. Having a baby isn't a game.
No shiite it isn't a game. Why do you think I'm bothering with the idea holding out? Because I enjoy wanting a baby but not being able to have one? I did have a conversation with him about it and he says he "just decided" he's ready. I know that for me it was like a light switch, but seeing as he has been on again off again I'd hate for him to be off again after we have conceived. I'm sorry you think I'm annoying but this is a board for people with "babies on the brain" so what the helll do you expect? I have babies on the brain, so do many other women on here. It's a generic board that draws a broad range of people. I'm asking for legitimate advise maybe from someone who has experienced something similar. If making the decision for you and YH was so simple then maybe you just have no advise for me. I have had a conversation with DH, I've had many. What I'm expressing is that despite all the talking we have done I'm worried... which you have All said is normal when starting TTC... that he may change his mind again. Hence the question. Believe it or not I don't post because I enjoy being emotionally beaten, I'm searching for answers when I've done the obvious already, like had an adult conversation.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it must be really frustrating. I think the best thing to do is sit down with DH and let him know that you are 100% ready for a baby. If he says he is anything less than 100% ready, I would hold off until he was completely sure. Good luck!

Ash61612 · January 2013

MrsRustyGriswold:
IMO, the fact that you would even consider some "secret" way to TTA is a huge sign that YOU are not ready to be a parent, let alone whether he is ready. If you two can't be totally honest and open about the entire process, you shouldn't be moving forward in this.

yep

slt94 · January 2013

Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother!

If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

bugandbibs · January 2013

slt94:
Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother! If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

I think you got lost on your way to baby gaga. Here, let me help you out: www.baby-gaga.com

joanithegreat · January 2013

Mysterious_wife:
Fvucking grow a pair and talk like an adult with him. You constant going back and forth bullshlt is annoying. Having a baby isn't a game.

This x a million!

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

GhostMonkey:
slt94:
Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother! If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

She's been told to do that about 50 times. She refuses and comes back and with the same bullshit.

You know what really negative thing they can bring? Resentment between a husband and wife when one was absolutely against having a child and the other one trapped them.

 

Winner winner, chicken dinner

staycee · January 2013

I know! Fake a BFP this month and analyze his reaction!! That will be totally fun.

Excitedtostart · January 2013

staycee:
I know! Fake a BFP this month and analyze his reaction!! That will be totally fun.

STOP STEALING MY IDEAS STAYCEE!

biomaj5 · January 2013

slt94:
Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother! If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

$5 says this is the OP's AE.

MrsRustyGriswold · January 2013

biomaj5:

slt94:
Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother! If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

$5 says this is the OP's AE.

No bet. I'm right there with ya.

Excitedtostart · January 2013

MrsRustyGriswold:
biomaj5:

slt94:
Wow. This is so shocking! Women just love to put down, beat up or undermine eachother! If you are really set on having a child, then speak it through with you partner, but try and have a handy note of all the postive things that having a child can bring, as most of the time when people change their minds its because thet dwell on the negitve. Hope all the best for you xx

$5 says this is the OP's AE.

No bet. I'm right there with ya.

But that would be so secretive and devious of her! Almost like she was lying....

Oh wait.

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2013

victoria+james:
Mysterious_wife:
We can't tell you what to do. You as a couple have to answer this. We have given you advice and you come back a week later with the same thing. Go back on BC and revisit this in 6 months
I apologize if you feel its the same thing over and over. Not all of us have been on the baby train very long. Many of us don't even have 1 child yet. So every week is a new experience for us newbies. My husband announcing he wants to try was a new thing for me. I'm trying to process it and reaching out to ladies in similar positions.

We've all been in the situation of being new to the baby train. No one's flaming you for that.

He's constantly changing his mind; you want to secretly TTA since you're not sure about his feelings. How is this not clear as day to you that neither one of you are ready to have a child? Seriously--I get you want a baby. I'm sure we can all empathize with that emotion. Wanting one and being ready for one are two different things. Your marriage clearly is not in a place where it's ready for one and bringing a child into that kind of situation is not going to end well for anyone involved. Go back on birth control, get your sh!t together, then get pregnant when you're actually ready.

victoria+james · January 2013

Update for those interested...

DH is holding firm with wanting to try but has said he is still very nervous about it. I told him that all the back and forth from him has left me feeling unsure if we are in a place where we should be trying right now and that despite his words his past actions can't be undone. Since I would like to try to avoid having a baby in December we decided that we would wait and start trying in April.

This gives him time to become more comfortable with his change of heart and will give me time to trust he won't change his mind again. As a bonus I can get through annual reviews, pay off the last credit card, and potentially snag that promotion too.

Thank you for your harsh words ladies... At least the constructive harsh words. Sometimes I need a kick in the right direction.

Side note, I don't have an AE. When I need to make myself feel better I break into the ice cream instead.

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

TBH. I personally think you need to wait longer. You both need to be on page one. Glad you decided to wait.

robinsokj · January 2013

Now, this feels like botb

Mysterious_wife · January 2013

jforsythia:
You need to talk to this man. nbsp; He is your HUSBAND! nbsp;You have to be on the same page when it comes to bring children into this world. nbsp;Ask him about his hesitation. nbsp;You have to remember this is not just about you it's about him, too. nbsp;

Nonreading newb FTW!

PurrBox · January 2013

OP, I don't know if you're still checking this thread or not, but I'll post anyway.

Unless there's some sort of back story that I'm missing, your situation doesn't sound that weird to me (other than your DH's announcement to your parents--which would personally bother me). Trying to conceive is a surreal experience. It's a roller coaster of emotions, and not everyone has the same feelings on the matter. Some people think they know with 100% certainty from the time they are children that they want to be parents but begin question that idea when they begin the process of TTC. Doubt happens.

I understand that you don't want your husband to end up regretting this decision, and unless there's some back story I'm missing, it sounds like you're trying to be very considerate of his feelings.

I suggest sitting down and having a serious conversation about the topic. Tell him how you feel and that you don't want him to end up regretting the decision if you guys end up actually conceiving. If he says he's genuinely ready, then take that as his answer. No more secretly TTA.

(And side note: Although I don't think it's right to lie and secretly TTA, I disagree that it's just as bad as secretly TTC. There's a BIG difference in my book.)

Temporary Secret TTA?

Re: Temporary Secret TTA?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards