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Attachment Parenting
Emerald27
member
Attachment Marriage
Emerald27
member
I'm in a contemplative mood and have been thinking --
How does my parenting philosophy affect my marriage? And I don't mean the age-old question of how to get sex when cosleeping...Rather: I mean, do I practice a connected sort of spousal relationship? Does my philosophy of gentle respect of my children play in to how DH and I settle disputes? Do I see quality "alone" time with DH differently?
I really think that being AP spouses makes us better partners! Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Attachment Marriage
I think most parents regardless of whether they practice AP are more mindful of their relationships and how they handle disputes. I don't know many parents who are comfortable getting into a headed dispute infront of their children.
I do think co-sleeping and AP can make it difficult for parents to fully settle disagreements though. Parents need to have time alone to work on their marriage. I'm not talking about sex either. I know my DH and I share a lot at bedtime (we don't co-sleep). We discuss our day, families, friends, upcoming events and use that time to get things off our chest so they don't impact our children. If you're not going to settle a dispute infront of your kids and you don't have time alone together every day I question how "healthy" your marital relationship can be.
I think most parents regardless of whether they practice AP are more mindful of their relationships and how they handle disputes. I don't know many parents who are comfortable getting into a headed dispute infront of their children.
I do think co-sleeping and AP can make it difficult for parents to fully settle disagreements though. Parents need to have time alone to work on their marriage. I'm not talking about sex either. I know my DH and I share a lot at bedtime (we don't co-sleep). We discuss our day, families, friends, upcoming events and use that time to get things off our chest so they don't impact our children. If you're not going to settle a dispute infront of your kids and you don't have time alone together every day I question how "healthy" your marital relationship can be.
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Honestly, I don't think that cosleeping equals an unhealthy marriage. DH and I always found time to talk even when our ds was still bedsharing with us. I think that having a healthy marriage really comes down to people choosing to make it a priority and spouses being mindful about making time for the other spouse. Bedsharing isn't for every family- the most beautiful thing about AP is that each family is unique and can apply the AP principles according to how it works best within their family. For us, co sleeping was really enjoyable. We had a separate room that we could be intimate in and have those conversations in at the end of the day. Our son is almost 3 now and has been sleeping in his own room for awhile, but my relationship with my husband hasn't changed since he transitioned to his own room
I've become a lot more mindful of how I speak to DH.
I'd gotten into some fairly bad habits. I wouldn't think twice of mocking him (even when done with a good heart and love), or pointing out when he'd gotten something wrong and "needed" to do something better or how I wanted it done.
Essentially I wasn't being very nice to him. Well I was, a lot of the time, but there were frequent times of not being very nice.
One day I thought about how often I tell DD I love her, how careful I am to encourage her forward when she makes a mistake, how I never laugh at her mistakes or mock her when she tries and fails. I compliment her daily, and give her space to do things her way.
When all of this occurred to me, it really gave me pause and I've been making a real effort to speak as well to DH as I do to the girls.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I think this is true for so many of us. It is super easy to let dh know when he didn't do something just right, but unfortunately it takes a bit more thought to remember to tell him all of the good things he does. I've been more conscious of this since having our dh...but it is a work in progress
I have tried to decide before I open my mouth to give critisism to something that dh has done whether or not it is truly worthy of bringing to his attention or if it is only me wanting it done my way. Most of the time I end up stuffing a sock in my mouth! Lol
This was exactly my thought! I work so hard to make sure that DS is loved and respected at all times. I should be putting as much effort into loving and respecting DH!
Eh, I can't say that cosleeping meant we didn't get alone time at bedtime to discuss issues we need to discuss. A child (or two!) in our bed never impacted our ability to cuddle/talk about important issues.
What a great question!
I feel like having both of us being on board with AP has helped us with each other as well. It feels like we are approaching things more as a team. Still- some of this transfers over from some things I learned from John Gottman's talks (love them and being in Seattle they are local for me).
I have more admiration and respect for DH now as a father. I had no idea that he would prioritize our little girls needs as much as he does now. It's amazing to see him optimize for her in so many situations.
He has also picked up on the domestic chores around the house so that I can spend more time holding, nursing, bedding down, etc. :-)
This. We really aren't very AP in the least and I'm still mindful of how I talk to and handle disputes (what few we have) with my husband. I guess it works for some couples though.