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The Tip-Toeing of Friends

maryoosamaryoosa member
in Adoption

So, we're pretty open about the fact that we are adopting, and also, while the IF was disappointing, it wasn't devastating to me. But sometimes---I get tired of my friends tiptoeing around.

This weekend is my best friend's partner's bday. I get a message from her today that says "oh heads up, my sister's gf is pregnant, we totally understand if you don't want to come" Like WTF. 

 I get that she's trying to be compassionate and sensitive, but it's really upsetting and jarring for me that people think I need a head's up. And that's almost more upsetting than the fact that they were one of those couples who seriously tried once to get pregnant and it happened for them. Grrr.

Ah well.

 

Thanks for listening. 

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Re: The Tip-Toeing of Friends

  • LIQueenLIQueen
    imagemaryoosa:

    So, we're pretty open about the fact that we are adopting, and also, while the IF was disappointing, it wasn't devastating to me. But sometimes---I get tired of my friends tiptoeing around.

    This weekend is my best friend's partner's bday. I get a message from her today that says "oh heads up, my sister's gf is pregnant, we totally understand if you don't want to come" Like WTF. 

     I get that she's trying to be compassionate and sensitive, but it's really upsetting and jarring for me that people think I need a head's up. And that's almost more upsetting than the fact that they were one of those couples who seriously tried once to get pregnant and it happened for them. Grrr.

    Ah well.

     

    Thanks for listening. 

    Ugh I would be so mad at that...its like you feel like people keep thinking about your issues and it makes you feel even more different and more uncomfortable around pregnant people!

    7/18/12-1st RE appointment CD2 blood work taken. Told to move straight to IVF. Starting BC pills and FSH injections plus Lupron. Hopefully doing ET in September Off BCP March 2011 Started TTC July 2011 7 months TTC with no luck an then.... Diagnosed 2/24/12 with 2 Ovarian Cysts. 3/22/12-Lap to remove cysts, look for endo, and see if tubes are clear. 3/22/12-Diagnosed with Severe Endo(tubes are clear). 4/4/12-Post op OBGYN appointment. Told chances of conceiving naturally are very low, but told conceiving in the next few months is our best chance due to being cleaned out during Lap. Referred to a RE. RE said IVF is our only chance to get pregnant. Told only a 20% chance even with two put in. 9/5-Lupron 9/20 Stims(Menopur & Follistim) 9/30 Trigger time 10/2 ER 10/3 fert report-out of 7 eggs retrieved only 2 fertilized. Hello "Thing 1 and Thing 2!" Kinda sad there is none to freeze. Because only 2 we will have 2DT to get them back into a natural envionment 10/4 ET. Found out that only 1 divided. We love you "Thing 2." Thing 1 is now snuggled inside me and we are praying it will be our take home baby! **Did not even make it to my beta, the day before on 10/16/12 I got my F'in period** Such a stab in the heart. Nov 2012-Moving onto domestic newborn adoption! Can't wait for my take home baby. We will try IVF again after 1-2 years of a clear head. Need a break from infertility treatments/issues for my mental sanity! image
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  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member
    Tell them! I'm going to assume their default move is to figure their friends with IF are super sensitive to this sort of thing. You need to let them know it isn't an issue for you. Much like telling people on here that sig pix with children isn't going to send us running for the tissues
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  • ladyharperladyharper

    Maybe it would be a good idea to put out a PSA for your friends on how you feel. Some who have gone through a loss really would have had a hard time even with that limited amount of exposure. I know I did for a while after I miscarried. As with a lot of mourning situations, they don't know how much you are or are not hurting, and what might be painful to you.

    Having people treat you like glass is certainly very annoying when it isn't needed. Try and keep in mind that they are concerned about you, and let them know what bothers you, if anything.  Then you won't have to be upset that they don't think that you're stronger/better adjusted than that, and they will feel more secure in what is and isn't appropriate for you. 

    As always, the advice is worth every penny you paid for it. I hope your day got better!

     

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  • sarahtoledosarahtoledo member
    I get about one sensitive, careful announcement a week lately.  At first it was really hard, now it's just sort of odd.  But I do appreciate the sensitivity people are offering...  it's a hard place to be in.  
    My feet and Miss Heidi the rescue mutt!

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    15 treatment cycles: four early m/c
    Moving forward with domestic infant adoption!

    Home study approved 5/13, now just waiting...

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  • crene84crene84 member
    I completely understand.  I hated when people would act so cautious around us, especially because we told people -- "we aren't the type of people to avoid baby showers, block pregnant friends on FB, etc" -- but I guess people still worry and I know it comes from a good place..it just makes me feel even more pathetic than I already felt for not being able to get pregnant.
    Married Since 09/2006, TTC Since 09/2010 
    DX: Unexplained infertility, DH normal 
    3 Femara cycles - Oct, Nov, Dec 2011, all BFNs 
    IVF #1, ER 2/15 (5R, 4M, 4F), ET 2/18, Beta 2/29 = BFN :( 
    Follistim + IUI on 6/25 = BFN 
    Home Study Finalized 8/14/12! Profile Active - 8/17/12! 
    Officially Matched 8/29/12, Our perfect angel born 9/25/12! 
    Biggest surprise ever, unexpected BFP on 4/12/13! 

     Our Angel through Adoption
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  • maryoosamaryoosa member

    Thanks everyone.

     

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  • elissaann26elissaann26 member

    I definitely understand your frustration.  I agree with PP's that you should just talk to them.  Or maybe you could just respond something like "Oh, that is so exciting!  I appreciate your sensitivity around this, but I love talking to any kind of expectant mother- bio or adoptive!"

    We had numerous people tip-toe around the fact that our foster sons were black.  I thought it was hilarious and would just say "Yeah, they are black" really simply and they got the message pretty quickly that they are different and it is okay to just talk about that.  If you want to know how to take care of their hair, just ask!  

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