Advice from any 2 under 2 attachment moms?

Mistifier · January 2013

We found out over the weekend that baby number 2 is on the way! I'm due around September 7th, and we are quite excited; however, I am a little worried about how the new baby will change things with our little man and I want to make sure to be treating them fairly. Does anyone have any advice for bed sharing, nursing, and baby wearing while pregnant and with 2 under 2? Thanks!

KateLouise · January 2013

I just stuck to my basic mantras of attending to my children's needs and not having any hard and fast rules.

DD1 self-weaned when I was around 7mths pregnant. When DD2 was born she showed interest in nursing again (there's a 2 yr age gap) I always offered her the breast when she showed interest but she always declined. I think it helped her to know it was an option.

Also DD1 had been STTN in her own bed for a few months. DD2 came along and was in bed with me (DH was in another room so he could attend to DD1 if she woke and we could all get the most sleep). DD1 ended up coming and getting into my bed, and the three of us have bedshared until very recently. I miss DH, but it's what has worked for us in terms of allowing the most sleep.

I use a pram and wraps interchangeably. Sometimes DD1 wants to be worn, sometimes she wants the pram, sometimes she'd rather walk. IF DD2 is sleeping in one of those spots, then she has to wait, but other than that I just go with whatever is going to work on the day. Maybe we're going too far for me to manage carrying DD1, or maybe DD2 is being fussy and really needs to be worn.

The reality with two, is that sometimes someone has to wait for your attention, but I just explain it to them, even if they can't understand my words. Sorry you had to wait my hands were busy with a nappy. Or Mum got here as quickly as she could, what do you need.

I have seen it written that you should say, "my hands are full or busy" rather than "I'm busy with your sister." because that can lead to jealousy of the sibling. But really kids aren't dumb. They can see what you're busy doing, so I'm not sure if I completely buy that point.

Congratulations on your new wee one. Hope the next few months go smoothly.

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2013

It all worked out just fine.

I did the double bedsharing for quite a while. My oldest slept between DH and I while the baby slept in the cosleeper or between myself and a bed rail. Worked great. My oldest was done being worn when the baby came so that worked out really well. I can't speak of tandem nursing since I was unable to nurse.

My best piece of advice is to prep what you can when your DH is still home in the morning. Of course someone (or both!) would have to cry when I needed to get lunch on the table for my oldest and the baby needed to eat too, but if I had lunch prepped ahead of time it was much quicker than taking 5 minutes to prepare it. I kept diaper changing supplies in every room we frequented so when simultaneous poops occured (i swear they plotted against me) I could get to changing the other child's diaper quicker. In the chair I fed the baby in, I kept supplies like a cup of water/snacks/toys/books so I could meet my older child's needs while still caring for the baby. I put the baby down in naps in the swing so I could give my oldest undivided attention. This worked really well and I felt far less guilt.

GL!

MouseInLux · January 2013

I don' have 2u2 yet but wanted to let you know that I'm 36w at the moment and I'm still wearing DD for our daily walk with the dog. I'm using a SSC which goes under my bump, I've also been using my RS for hip carries for quick ins and outs when DD isn't up for walking.

BrittKav · January 2013

As far as bedsharing, we moved DD1 to her own room at 12 months and she had no issues moving. I tandem nursed the girls and it was actually much easier than I imagined it would be, and a good experience. I would always wear the baby and DH would wear the toddler. It helped that DH was home a lot.

Mistifier · January 2013

MouseInLux:
I don' have 2u2 yet but wanted to let you know that I'm 36w at the moment and I'm still wearing DD for our daily walk with the dog. I'm using a SSC which goes under my bump, I've also been using my RS for hip carries for quick ins and outs when DD isn't up for walking.

This is great to know! Thank you! Do you use the SSC for front carries?

Mistifier · January 2013

KateLouise:
I just stuck to my basic mantras of attending to my children's needs and not having any hard and fast rules.
DD1 self-weaned when I was around 7mths pregnant. When DD2 was born she showed interest in nursing again (there's a 2 yr age gap) I always offered her the breast when she showed interest but she always declined. I think it helped her to know it was an option.
Also DD1 had been STTN in her own bed for a few months. DD2 came along and was in bed with me (DH was in another room so he could attend to DD1 if she woke and we could all get the most sleep). DD1 ended up coming and getting into my bed, and the three of us have bedshared until very recently. I miss DH, but it's what has worked for us in terms of allowing the most sleep.
I use a pram and wraps interchangeably. Sometimes DD1 wants to be worn, sometimes she wants the pram, sometimes she'd rather walk. IF DD2 is sleeping in one of those spots, then she has to wait, but other than that I just go with whatever is going to work on the day. Maybe we're going too far for me to manage carrying DD1, or maybe DD2 is being fussy and really needs to be worn.
The reality with two, is that sometimes someone has to wait for your attention, but I just explain it to them, even if they can't understand my words. Sorry you had to wait my hands were busy with a nappy. Or Mum got here as quickly as she could, what do you need.
I have seen it written that you should say, "my hands are full or busy" rather than "I'm busy with your sister." because that can lead to jealousy of the sibling. But really kids aren't dumb. They can see what you're busy doing, so I'm not sure if I completely buy that point.
Congratulations on your new wee one. Hope the next few months go smoothly.

Thank you so much! This is some great advice.

One question, do you find that situations like the one bolded, do cause jealousy issues? Or does talking through it like you explained help with that?

Mistifier · January 2013

Thank you ladies, for all the wonderful advice! I'm sure I'll have lots more questions as time goes on!

KateLouise · January 2013

Mistifier:
KateLouise:
The reality with two, is that sometimes someone has to wait for your attention, but I just explain it to them, even if they can't understand my words. Sorry you had to wait my hands were busy with a nappy. Or Mum got here as quickly as she could, what do you need.
I have seen it written that you should say, "my hands are full or busy" rather than "I'm busy with your sister." because that can lead to jealousy of the sibling. But really kids aren't dumb. They can see what you're busy doing, so I'm not sure if I completely buy that point.
Congratulations on your new wee one. Hope the next few months go smoothly.

Thank you so much! This is some great advice.
One question, do you find that situations like the one bolded, do cause jealousy issues? Or does talking through it like you explained help with that?

I think it helps. Obviously there is still some jealousy and we've had some issues in the last month or so with DD1 not wanting to grow up because she'd be too big for me to hold her and having some regression with toilet training because she likes to be a baby and wear her nappy. So again, I think she sees the attention that of course the baby gets.

However, I do think explaining it helps for a few different reasons:

1) Even if they don't understand the words (in the case of DD2) my tone and body language is still calming and showing understanding.

2) It shows DD1 that I understand she is waiting for me. I often thank her for her patience too, or say things like, "Sometimes it can be frustrating to wait can't it." So I'm giving her language for her feelings and showing my understanding.

3) Toddlers are pretty focused on themselves, but by saying to DD2 "Thanks for waiting, I was busy fixing DD1's x y and z" then it's a reminder that sometimes DD2 has to wait for her too.

4) I like saying things like, "Gosh DD2 is getting pretty upset, I think she needs a cuddle." so that it's teaching compassion towards others.

I think it's paying off. DD1 has her moments because after all she's not quite 3, but in general she is very loving and generous towards DD2. She might snatch a toy, but will immediately find a replacement for her. The other night DD2 took a tumble, and DD1 was upset she wasn't there to catch DD2 (she was across the room from her, but has been spending a lot of time helping DD2 get up and down with her new climbing skills) and went and sat beside her so she could steady DD2 if needed.

So I'm relaly just all about modelling patience, compassion, understanding and acknowledging people's feelings.

pixieprincss · January 2013

My boys are 19 months apart. My first rule is don't treat something as a problem unless it is actually a problem. For example, I was open to tandem nursing but worried about logistics. DS1 ended up self-weaning 3 weeks before DS2 was born. I worried about DS2 crying in the night and waking up DS1. I could've devised all sorts of strategies, forced DS1 out of our bed, etc. but wouldn't you know it, but we all sleep together and DS1 sleeps right through the midnight scream during diaper changes. (Now, that said, I will say that we love having a floor bed in another room for nights where all 4 of us together just doesn't work out. In those cases, we can divide and conquer.) DS1 sleeps in between DH and I. DS2 sleeps in the sidecar, cozied up just to me. Also, we do have DS1 start the night in his floor bed in his room (one of us lays with him until he's out) and then he comes in with us when he wakes.

Tandem wearing takes some practice, but if you keep wearing #1 through the pregnancy, you will build up your strength to do it. I don' tandem wear a ton--I usually have the boys take turns, per their respective needs), but it is a nice skill to have during those moments when both babies are freaking out. I also make sure to wear my toddler for a few minutes around the house at unexpected times to fill up his "attachment tank" as a preventitive measure--like when brushing my teeth.

For getting in the car to go plaves, I let DS1 sit in the driver's seat and mash any button he wants while I get DS2 strapped in. That little trick has saved me so much sanity!

My favorite books for this are Adventures in Tandem Nursing and Siblings Without Rivarly. SBR is geared toward older kids, but the gems in it have helped me carefully pick my language from the get-go.

I expected World War 3 to take over our house, but overall things are really lovely! Intense and tiring, but more magical than I could ever have imagined.

Mistifier · January 2013

pixieprincss:
My boys are 19 months apart. My first rule is don't treat something as a problem unless it is actually a problem. For example, I was open to tandem nursing but worried about logistics. DS1 ended up self-weaning 3 weeks before DS2 was born. I worried about DS2 crying in the night and waking up DS1. I could've devised all sorts of strategies, forced DS1 out of our bed, etc. but wouldn't you know it, but we all sleep together and DS1 sleeps right through the midnight scream during diaper changes. (Now, that said, I will say that we love having a floor bed in another room for nights where all 4 of us together just doesn't work out. In those cases, we can divide and conquer.) DS1 sleeps in between DH and I. DS2 sleeps in the sidecar, cozied up just to me. Also, we do have DS1 start the night in his floor bed in his room (one of us lays with him until he's out) and then he comes in with us when he wakes.

Tandem wearing takes some practice, but if you keep wearing #1 through the pregnancy, you will build up your strength to do it. I don' tandem wear a ton--I usually have the boys take turns, per their respective needs), but it is a nice skill to have during those moments when both babies are freaking out. I also make sure to wear my toddler for a few minutes around the house at unexpected times to fill up his "attachment tank" as a preventitive measure--like when brushing my teeth.

For getting in the car to go plaves, I let DS1 sit in the driver's seat and mash any button he wants while I get DS2 strapped in. That little trick has saved me so much sanity!

My favorite books for this are Adventures in Tandem Nursing and Siblings Without Rivarly. SBR is geared toward older kids, but the gems in it have helped me carefully pick my language from the get-go.

I expected World War 3 to take over our house, but overall things are really lovely! Intense and tiring, but more magical than I could ever have imagined.

You make 2 under 2 sound so wonderful! I'm glad you mentioned about not worrying before needed because I am already concerned about a lot, I'm going to take your advice on that for sure! And thank you for the book recommendations, I'm going to have to check those out!

Mistifier · January 2013

KateLouise:
Mistifier:
KateLouise:
The reality with two, is that sometimes someone has to wait for your attention, but I just explain it to them, even if they can't understand my words. Sorry you had to wait my hands were busy with a nappy. Or Mum got here as quickly as she could, what do you need.
I have seen it written that you should say, "my hands are full or busy" rather than "I'm busy with your sister." because that can lead to jealousy of the sibling. But really kids aren't dumb. They can see what you're busy doing, so I'm not sure if I completely buy that point.
Congratulations on your new wee one. Hope the next few months go smoothly.

Thank you so much! This is some great advice.
One question, do you find that situations like the one bolded, do cause jealousy issues? Or does talking through it like you explained help with that?
I think it helps. Obviously there is still some jealousy and we've had some issues in the last month or so with DD1 not wanting to grow up because she'd be too big for me to hold her and having some regression with toilet training because she likes to be a baby and wear her nappy. So again, I think she sees the attention that of course the baby gets.
However, I do think explaining it helps for a few different reasons:
1) Even if they don't understand the words (in the case of DD2) my tone and body language is still calming and showing understanding.
2) It shows DD1 that I understand she is waiting for me. I often thank her for her patience too, or say things like, "Sometimes it can be frustrating to wait can't it." So I'm giving her language for her feelings and showing my understanding.
3) Toddlers are pretty focused on themselves, but by saying to DD2 "Thanks for waiting, I was busy fixing DD1's x y and z" then it's a reminder that sometimes DD2 has to wait for her too.
4) I like saying things like, "Gosh DD2 is getting pretty upset, I think she needs a cuddle." so that it's teaching compassion towards others.
I think it's paying off. DD1 has her moments because after all she's not quite 3, but in general she is very loving and generous towards DD2. She might snatch a toy, but will immediately find a replacement for her. The other night DD2 took a tumble, and DD1 was upset she wasn't there to catch DD2 (she was across the room from her, but has been spending a lot of time helping DD2 get up and down with her new climbing skills) and went and sat beside her so she could steady DD2 if needed.
So I'm relaly just all about modelling patience, compassion, understanding and acknowledging people's feelings.

Thanks again for the wonderful advice! You have definitely helped in easing some of my worries!

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