When to TFAS

AshleyAnthony2B · January 2013

Ok. This is going to be stream of consciousness. I'm sorry in advance. This topic has been bounced around my house continuously since DS was 6 months and I'm exhausted and conflicted, and just need input.

DH really wants to start trying for a second. I'm on the fence. Not because I don't desperately want another baby, but because I'm the planner and I feel like I'm driving myself insane with "what ifs". I do all the budgeting and bill paying in our family. We do alright. We haven't invested in ourselves nearly as much as I would like. I have set up our budget to include automatic savings contributions every week. I don't have a lofty savings goal, just want a little chunk or safety net. The amount that I have set as our goal will be met by summer. That is one of the big things stopping me from us trying right now. I want to wait until we have that safety net. H keeps saying "but if we try now, we know we will have it before we actually have another baby"... I'm just such a "what if" person that I'm concerned about the possibility of x, y, z, happening and us not being in a position of "comfort" when we do this again.

Also, we can afford another baby on our current budget (current salaries, current costs), but it would be "just" within comfort. IE: No longer contributing steadily to savings, but making all bills, daycare payments on time, and having our usual household expenses covered. I can cut out about $200 from our monthly budget easily, and we are only about 6=7 months away from being done paying off CC debt, so that will cut out another $50-$100 per month in expenses.

So I guess, we COULD do it. It just scares me that it would be "tight". But then at the same time, we want our kids close together. I'm trying to weigh the benefits of having one now vs. waiting. Here's my little pro con list i have going on:

Having one now

Pro: Close together in age, as we intended. We both really want to. We already have everything (ie carseats) so it wouldn't have expired or be outdated, we wouldn't need new stuff.

Con: Tight finances, not a lot of wiggle room. 2 in daycare.

Having one later

Pro: More time to save for rainy day, more time with ds as our one and only (more attention for him). Possibly wait until we would only have one in daycare at a time

Con: further apart. Need to buy new gear when we are ready for #2.

I know TB can't make such an important decision for me, just looking for input. Given the info that I have provided would you go for it or wait. What are other things you would consider?

Have you been there? What did you do? Would you do it again?

Just looking for a couple other outlooks.

jmccall79 · January 2013

I give you 2 thumbs up for even putting this much thought into it. Finances are a huge issue in any relationship, but you add the strain of finances and kids and things can go sour quickly! If I were in your shoes, I'd wait 6 months. Get to the "savings" place you want to be, and get that cc debt paid off like you want. That way, those stresses will be removed from your life and you'll be able to "enjoy" your pregnancy a little more. If you don't, from what you've said, you'll probably spend the first few months of your pregnancy stressing over your finances. It sounds like you all are in a good place, on many levels, you just need a couple of months to finish off what would make you most comfortable. Also, make your H sit with you when you do your budget and pay your bills. That way he can get a better idea of where you're coming from and why you want to wait a little bit longer! I don't think doing it now, or waiting 6 months, is such a big deal as to how close you want your LOs to be. The only hiccup in my suggestion would be if you had trouble conceiving last time. Not that it would be exactly the same this go round, good or bad, but if you had trouble conceiving and it took you longer to get pregnant than you wanted, I might would say just stop preventing and let whatever happens, happen. That way, you're not putting the stress on yourself to actually get pregnant, but still able to work on your goals. However, if conceiving wasn't a problem, again, I'd wait, even though you may not have the same luck this go round but see no reasons why you would. Talk to your H, that's the key thing, I think. Show him what your reasoning is...again, sit him down with you when you do the budget/bills. Let him see on paper where you all will be financially in 6 months. He might like it when he sees it written out! Good luck to ya!

AshleyAnthony2B · January 2013

jmccall79:
I give you 2 thumbs up for even putting this much thought into it. Finances are a huge issue in any relationship, but you add the strain of finances and kids and things can go sour quickly! If I were in your shoes, I'd wait 6 months. Get to the "savings" place you want to be, and get that cc debt paid off like you want. That way, those stresses will be removed from your life and you'll be able to "enjoy" your pregnancy a little more. If you don't, from what you've said, you'll probably spend the first few months of your pregnancy stressing over your finances. It sounds like you all are in a good place, on many levels, you just need a couple of months to finish off what would make you most comfortable. Also, make your H sit with you when you do your budget and pay your bills. That way he can get a better idea of where you're coming from and why you want to wait a little bit longer! I don't think doing it now, or waiting 6 months, is such a big deal as to how close you want your LOs to be. The only hiccup in my suggestion would be if you had trouble conceiving last time. Not that it would be exactly the same this go round, good or bad, but if you had trouble conceiving and it took you longer to get pregnant than you wanted, I might would say just stop preventing and let whatever happens, happen. That way, you're not putting the stress on yourself to actually get pregnant, but still able to work on your goals. However, if conceiving wasn't a problem, again, I'd wait, even though you may not have the same luck this go round but see no reasons why you would. Talk to your H, that's the key thing, I think. Show him what your reasoning is...again, sit him down with you when you do the budget/bills. Let him see on paper where you all will be financially in 6 months. He might like it when he sees it written out! Good luck to ya!

Thanks for the input! I just *sighed* of relief because I feel like you validated that I'm not crazy lol. H is so "it'll work out" and "stop worrying" and I'm so completely opposite. It's nice to hear that I'm "being prepared" instead of being uptight for once hahaI It's funny. H and I actually sat down Sunday night with the "new year, new goals" budget, and I showed him exactly how the money is going to go for the next 6 months. ( i budget in big time gaps, and automate everything). Seeing the budget actually made him press more. He sees the number "left over" at the end of each pay period and says "that's enough to cover another baby!". Maybe I will sit him down this weekend and make him have a convo with my paranoia lol "What if both cars break down", and "what if one of us looses our job" and have him try to budget according to possible scenarios. Maybe then he'll understand my reservations. Thanks!

AshleyAnthony2B · January 2013

Also, it did take us a while to conceive ds. Not to the point of seeking help, but I had charted a possible LPD which I was going to have looked at as I had charted it I believe 3 months in a row, but then we got lucky. I dont really anticipate having trouble. Also, I don't do anything "wait and see" I'm a control freak. Guilty. So I know if we just stopped preventing, I would start charting just because it's the way that I work. I feel like for me to do anything, i need to 100% commit, which is why I'm having such trouble with this decision.

nickert2000 · January 2013

My 1st and 2nd are 23 months apart. Then there is a 5.5 year age gap between #2 and 3.

Honestly having them close together is just crazy and you are delirious. When you add another the demands on you do not double they increase exponentially. Every day does go super fast. I feel like did not get to really enjoy them being little. I look at pictures and just think if there were not pictures I would not remember much of anything.

My 2 sons have totally different personality but they do get along as well as siblings can When they where little tho they did not play together. Developmentally they do not play together until they are older. The 2 year old did not care that the baby needed to be feed, he wanted my attention. The clearest memory I have of them when they where very little is of my picking up my 1st son by his shirt repeatedly and placing him on the "naughty mat" while trying to nurse my 2nd who was 3 months old. I can still see the look the the baby was giving me was I josiling him around as I brought my other son back to the naughty mat. I have no idea why he was put on the naughty mat but he did not want to stay on it.

Now that there is such an age gap it is just amazing to watch my daughter light up when her brothers come home from school and to see how they interact with her. My husband and I just love to see how the relationship developing between the baby and each of her brothers.

In terms of gear: we still had a few things left from the boys when we had our daughter last year, But I also had loads of friends give me stuff they did not need anymore. Being a 3rd time mom I was perfectly happy getting hand me downs.

Even clothes for the boys did not go as ideally my 1st pretty much followed the size range with his age. My 2nd was in 18 month clothes when we was 6 months old! So we ended up having to buy him clothes anyway!

Having done it both ways I like a bigger age gap maybe not a full 5.5 years but def more than 2 years.

jmccall79 · January 2013

I don't think you're crazy at all...for wanting to plan it out, or for wanting them close together!!! And doing a "what if" budget with him might be a good idea. I'm sure you've done the what if budget on your own but showing him how having the cc debt paid off would make a difference, or having $x in savings would make a difference might help out.

AshleyAnthony2B · January 2013

Thanks:) I have done the "what if" budgetting and quite frankly, it is glum. but I realize that is the case with 90% of families. If a families income is cut in half under most circumstances they will struggle. I know that I can't avoid that. and that's what DH keeps saying. No matter how much you cross t's and dot i's nothing will ever be "perfect". And I do understand that. I just have a natural inclination to try as damn hard as i can to prepare for thing you cant really prepare for lol. I'm hoping that showing him my fears on spreadsheet will help us get on the same page. even if that means him pulling me on to his. It's just such a hard decision.

pinkshades05 · January 2013

I agree with you. I'm not a huge planner, but if you aren't 100% ready than you should wait. It's easier for the guys because their lifestyle doesn't change those 9mos while we have doctor's appts, eating changes, body changes, etc. And if you are stressed out on top of it, it's no fun for anyone!

Our budget is tight as well and even though I have a bit of "baby fever" I am still standing by our decision to wait until DD turns 2 before we try (which will be next winter). We don't have CC debt, but we have loans that we would like to get rid of.

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