Legalities in a red state

h00l · January 2013

Okay, I would love to hear your stories about what you are doing (or did in the past if you already have children) to assure that your partner would have some legal rights to the child, especially if you live in a red state.

We live in Indiana, so basically nothing is legal. We have had no problems with our doctors and everyone treats my wife (I call her that but like I said, not legal) as she should be treated and I have no doubts about her involvement in the delivery.

We are planning on doing a second-parent adoption so that she can have legal rights to the child. Has anyone else done this? Can you tell me a little about the process? Did you hire a lawyer? How did you go about finding one that was LGBT friendly? What was the process like? Did you have to go to court, or was everything done outside of the courtroom? Basically, anything you could tell me would be wonderful.

Also semi-related, I am planning on taking my wife's last name. Now that there's a baby on the way we just thought it would be nice to all share a name. Any stories about the legal name changing process would be appreciated as well.

Thanks in advance!

JoySeattle · January 2013

In terms of second-parent adoption and name changes, each state has variations in the law. I would definitely connect with a local lawyer who specializes in LGBTQ law and speak with them.To find one that is LGBTQ friendly I would start by asking other same-sex couples you know and/or do a google search. Mine just now turned up this link: https://www.rainbowlaw.org/html/directoryIN.htm

You could also try national LGBTQ law groups (Lambda Legal, etc) and see if they have referrals for your area.

I would also suggest you look into the name change before birth, just to make that even more clear, as well as any wills, medical/financial power of attorney, etc that can be helpful if something were to go wrong during pregnancy, labor, early postpartum before a second-parent adoption could go through.

leapgirl8 · January 2013

Although I live in a blue state, I believe the rules here for second-parent adoption are similar to Indiana - basically, same-sex couples where one parent is the bio are treated the same as a step-parent adoption.

We hired a lawyer. Hire a lawyer. I am a lawyer and I know quite a bit about family law, but this is something you want to get done right the first time, and I wanted someone who regularly appeared in court before the family law judges and knew the ins and outs. I found her just by Googling "[city name] LGBT adoption lawyer," but you could also call your state bar and ask for recommendations. You will likely have a free or low-cost consultation where s/he will describe the process, what s/he will do for you, and the fees. If you're not comfortable or you don't think it seems like a good fit, try someone else.

We had our initial consultation, and then had a home study done by a social worker (you have to pay separately for this most of the time). The home study was two weeks after the babies came home from the hospital. Obviously it was not ideal timing - we were still pretty overwhelmed with 2.5-week-old twins! But that's how they do it here. She was here for a couple of hours, asked lots of questions about our families and parenting philosophies and all manner of things, walked around the house and yard and looked at everything. Then she wrote up a lengthy report and sent it to us and the lawyer, the lawyer finished the filing paperwork and we met with her to read over them and sign the documents, and a hearing date was set. At the hearing the judge asked us more questions (basically, to ensure that I understood what legal responsibilities I was taking on), made the adoption official, invited us up to the bench to take pictures with him, gave us Tootsie Pops and sent us on our way. All in all it was a good experience. Expensive, a pain in the bum, and I wish it wasn't necessary - but a good experience nonetheless.

Manada · January 2013

We live in Canada so (thankfully!) we don't have as many concerns around having our (future) legal marriage recognized, and because we're using anonymous, donor sperm we can put both of our names on the birth certificate with no issues.

That said, because H. is American and we travel back and forth into the US often, we are definitely going to do a second-parent adoption for all of our children as well, just so that we will be as protected as possible when we're travelling places that will not recognize our marriage or the birth certificate. I don't know where you are, but our local LGBT community health centre has a family lawyer they recommend and have speak -- we consulted her firm around our immigration application, and will probably meet with her for our second parent adoptions as well.

We're going to share a last name too - though it will be easier on us because (I think, this isn't fully decided yet!) I will just assume H's last name when we get legally married.

Good Luck! I hope the whole process goes smoothly and you guys can find some good support! I don't know if Indiana has an LGBT community centre, but the one in Chicago offered support and a group for families TTC, so I'm sure they will have some information about lawyers that may be able to help!

polyhymnia23 · January 2013

I live in Michigan, also a very red state. My wife and I (we had our ceremony here, in front of 100 family and friends and I never call her anything BUT my wife) just went through the process of changing my last name. I am a lawyer and wanted to keep some part of my identity since I have my own practice and all of my licensing is in my last name. We decided to hyphenate and started the process.

Your first step is to find the paperwork you need by either searching on your local court webpage or just go to the Court. You will need to file a petition to change your name and file that with the Court. You will also need to fill out paperwork to publish notice in your local newspaper that you are filing for a name change and you are not trying to commit fraud. You will also need to get fingerprinted and those will need to be sent off to the proper agency (mine went to the State Police and then they forwarded it where ever it needed to go).

In total, after I paid for the motion itself, the publication in the newspaper, fingerprinting AND also a separate fee to process the fingerprints, it cost nearly $300. We were given a hearing date and it was our responsibility to go to the local paper to publish notice and get fingerprinted and send it off. I called a week before my hearing date to make sure that the Court had received everything.

On the petition itself, I listed my reason for name change as "I married my partner in front of my family and friends, and despite the fact that my state does not legally recognize my relationship, I would like to share her last name".

When I went to the hearing, which was just last week, the Judge was amazing and sweet. She already knew the reason why I wanted the change, but wanted to hear again (and to put it on the record). When I told her, she smiled at me, congratulated me and granted the petition.

Although it is a ridiculous procedure (considering straight couples do not have to do it) and it is expensive, it is TOTALLY worth it. I absolutely love the fact that I am Mrs.H now.

A note about changing your last name with credit cards, etc....something I have discovered is that if you tell the company you changed your last name because of a marriage, they won't need proof. If you tell them that you changed it legally through the Court, they require you to send them the paperwork, etc. It's a pain in the you-know-what. So, when I called (or did it online), I simply stated that I changed it due to marriage. I received little hassle and a lot of congratulations. Crazy how that works.

As for the DMV, I had no trouble at all. The Court provided me with certified copies of the paperwork and I went directly to the Secretary of State and got a new license with my new last name. I had no problem at all. I have not yet gone to the Social Security Office because I am waiting for the new photo ID.

Best of luck and if you have ANY questions on the name change process, please feel free to PM me!

LolaBelle515 · January 2013

We are in MN, and as PPs said, it is different state to state, but I will echo what the others have said: definitely hire a lawyer.

We found ours through another lesbian couple in the area that had been through second parent adoption. Is there a "gay parents Facebook group" in your state at all? They could help you find an expert, too.

The actual process was quite smooth. We paid our lawyer a flat fee ($1600). I recommend a flat fee, so you know what you are getting into, but that is just personal choice. Before the birth, we met so that we all understood what the process would be, and so that we could read over the lengthy document that would be presented to the judge. Very soon following the birth (as quickly as possible), we met with the lawyer and signed the documents. It is my understanding they cannot be signed until the baby is born. I think we had to provide the birth certificate, too.

In MN, we had to wait 90 days. This court only meets once per month, so we were assigned to the date in the month following the 90 day waiting period. Go as soon as possible, so that both parents are recognized asap. The hearing was at family court and we were the only people there.

Afterwards, we paid for additional copies of LO's new birth certificate and copies of the adoption order.

The lawyer pretty much took care of everything and we had no trouble and didn't have to spend much time on it at all....but the judge can deny the adoption for any reason, so it is important to have a lawyer take care of it so that all details are handled correctly.

As for the name change, in Minnesota it cost $300 for each of us. We had to go to regular court and waited for a dozen or so other cases (not name changes) before we were called. We had to bring two adults with us to vow that we were not changing our names for any nefarious purposes. Afterwards, we ordered three copies of the document, which we then needed to change our passports, bank accounts, drivers licenses, mortgage, etc.

I am sure the lawyers in the group are cringing at my terminology throughout this, but hopefully that gives you a sense of what to expect:)

hlke · January 2013

It's great you live in a state that allows second parent adoption. That's the most protected legal status available for non-bio parents.

We found our lawyer through our LGBT-friendly women's health clinic. She is great and explained everything to us. We've used her for our known donor contract and will use her for our second-parent adoption, wills, powers of attorney, etc. A lot of the basic documents to protect your family are the same for opposite-sex and same-sex couples, but you really need someone who knows the ins and outs of the different laws that govern same-sex relationships.

2moms2twins · January 2013

pretty much what everyone said.

Second Parent adoption for those who dont have 2nd parent adoption option look in in to guardianship

Wills and durable powers of attorney

we gave our kids my last name but Melanie also has taken my last name. (this seems to just make things slightly less confusing when having to do certain things and typically ask questions later) Example- if emergency happ and i rush kids to er or where ever they have my same last name people assume they are biological mine - its not a fail safe and by no means has any legal bearing (hope that makes sense) it just does not cause any redflags to go up immediately

2brides · January 2013

I'd meet with the attorney prior to the birth, not only to get the ball rolling, but also to get all of the paperwork in place that can be used during pregnancy/after delivery. We have medical power of attorney paperwork drawn so L could make medical decisions for me/the kids during the pregnancy and immediately after the birth, transfer of guardianship should I die during childbirth (god forbid) before the 2nd place adoption took place, wills, etc.

2moms2b · January 2013

In Texas things work a bit differently (or at least from what I have found). I originally was going to file my name change as soon as we achieved pregnancy as I wanted the boys to have the "correct" last name on their birth certificates. After meeting with our Attorney, she told me we could definitely do it that way but my name change would cost me (if I filed myself with no lawyer) roughly $900.

I then found out that if wait to file all the name changes, second parent adoption etc at the same time, we would come in roughly only $300 more than the second parent adoption itself.

So for financial reasons, we are waiting and will be filing 3 name changes (me and the boys) and second parent adoption for M at the same time.

Due to the ins and outs of the legal process I second hiring a lawyer. For example in Texas, the only courts that have pushed through second parent adoptions for the LGBT community are in a completely different county than where we reside. Our county has only ever agreed to one and that judge is no longer on the bench but has denied more than I would like to count. Thank goodness in Texas you do not have to file in the county of residence but anywhere in the state you choose. If we would not have consulted a lawyer I would not have known this and potentially would have been denied (although we aren't done yet). Also the same lawyer has helped me put a living will in place as well as power of attorney and desire for guardianship of the boys should something happen to me during delivery or before we can complete the adoption.

All in all we also went with a flat fee of $2600 to cover all name changes, all paperwork before they arrived as well as the second parent adoption. We will have to pay our county separately for the home study and that will happen shortly after the paperwork is filed with the court. We will also have to pay a small fee to the department of vital records as we will be amending the boys birth certificates once their name is changed.

Its a nightmare and headache to deal with all this and it completely sucks we have to. I am just thankful there are protections out there like second parent adoption even if they weren't intended for this purpose.

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