MIL rant

muffin0526 · January 2013

I don't post on here too often.. but I don't have any friends to talk/complain to. So thanks in advance for anyone who listens.

So she is on my crap list for sure right now. She has done things in the past that have hurt me, but a lot lately.

It started lately with Christmas. She was too busy to come over and see our DD when they were supposed to. So, they came over in the evening for an hour. When they walked in the door they had a look on their face as if they had to be there. Yet, my DH's sister has 3 girls. The ILs spent hours on Christmas with them. MIL says "those are my girls" And I always think, what about my girl? She won't ever fit into that phrase. She favors them so much more.

We ask them to come over to our house for certain things and we will never get a response. But they will drop a hat to do anything with the other 3 grandchildren.

She lately has made comments to my DH. She critizies our home. She says she doesn't like our living room furniture. Our house is too cluttered and our basement is a wreck. She says we need to get rid of things. She also comments and thinks that we eat out too much. I think some of these things she should keep to herself. Because only one I will admit to is our basement needs some tidying up. We are working on that. But not to pleaae her, that is for sure.

I am sure my thoughts are all over the place. The thing that really drives me crazy is my husband worships his parents. And I will complain about things her mother does and he says, that's my mom you are talking about. I think, I am well aware.

Oh and she says that we see my family so much more. Well, we will see them slightly more. But that is because they never want to come over or do the things we invite them to do. So, that is their problem

Does anyone see my frustration? Am I being crazy? There are soooo many more things I could say about her, but this is just the surface. Just to get some things off my chest.

KatFCo · January 2013

There's nothing worse than favoritism in a family. I'm curious, is your SIL the favorite child?

No, that doesn't sound crazy and I can totally understand your frustration. Growing up, I was my grandmother's favorite, and it was hard on my sister when we became aware of it. My mother tried to compensate for it, but it was always evident. It'll be hard for you in the future, but if possible try to shield your DD from it as she gets older.

Are you close to your SIL? Is this something you can bring up to her and ask for her insight? I'm not saying go to her and say "She likes your kids better," but she might have some insight as to why your MIL is like this.

If she complains about how your family gets to see your DD more often, do you point out to her that she's the one who makes that choice, not you?

SteelCity44 · January 2013

I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

jessandandy09 · January 2013

SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

THis, absolutely this. steer clear of name calling but by all means you need to be able to discuss how she is making you feel and how she is being disrespectful. i would NOT be inviting her over anymore, and when she complains I would tell her that she always declines and complains about the house so you interpreted that she didn't want to be there.

SteelCity44 · January 2013

jessandandy09:

SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

THis, absolutely this. steer clear of name calling but by all means you need to be able to discuss how she is making you feel and how she is being disrespectful. i would NOT be inviting her over anymore, and when she complains I would tell her that she always declines and complains about the house so you interpreted that she didn't want to be there.

Yes! And your DH needs to understand that when she's at your house, she needs to be respectful and follow your rules. He needs to step up and tell his mom when she is being rude. My FIL has a mouth on him, and I told DH that I don't want that language around my son. When they're at my house, watch your mouth. When we're at their place, they can act how they want, but they need to know that we may choose not to bring our son over if it's not an example we want him to observe. It needs to start now, when he's just beginning to understand what people are saying.

And fair is not equal. So it's okay if your family visits your LO more often than your ILs do. You want to surround your child with a loving environment. If your family is more capable of doing that and more willing to put forth the effort to spend quality time with your LO, then they absolutely deserve more time than your ILs do!

okate0213 · January 2013

Big hugs! This sounds frustrating, she has a lot of nerve chritisizing your home and then making the comment "those are my girls". Ugh that would bug me. Of course you spend more time with your family, because at least they care about you and your daughter.

I would stand up to your husband also when he makes the comment "she's my mom" You're his wife and he needs to stand up to his family he chose.

muffin0526 · January 2013

First off- thanks to everyone who listened and replied. I appreciate it to much!

muffin0526 · January 2013

KatFCo:
There's nothing worse than favoritism in a family. I'm curious, is your SIL the favorite child?
No, that doesn't sound crazy and I can totally understand your frustration. Growing up, I was my grandmother's favorite, and it was hard on my sister when we became aware of it. My mother tried to compensate for it, but it was always evident. It'll be hard for you in the future, but if possible try to shield your DD from it as she gets older.
Are you close to your SIL? Is this something you can bring up to her and ask for her insight? I'm not saying go to her and say "She likes your kids better," but she might have some insight as to why your MIL is like this.
If she complains about how your family gets to see your DD more often, do you point out to her that she's the one who makes that choice, not you?

Yes, my SIL is the favorite for sure out of her and my husband. It seems like she can do no wrong.

I will be shielding my DD from it as long as I can. Believe me, it already breaks my heart when she realizes the way she is treated. My grandmother favorite my brother. I know how much it hurts.

I am not that close with my SIL. I think if I talked to her about this, it would start a war

muffin0526 · January 2013

RamaOtster:
If you are worried that your feelings are out of line - DON'T BE!
Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. My only thing would be that honestly, if she doesn't want to be involved in your LO's life, and takes issue with your house, than why would you want her to be involved or at your house?
Chances are that her attitude would just end up hurting your LO eventually. And if she is willing to say those kinds of things to your DH (and you?) about your house, chances are she would be making snide little comments to your LO as well.
For a point of reference, my grandmother was like this with my parents when I was little. As an example - my mom really wanted my hair long so - obv - I didn't get a hair cut for a while and my grandma kept telling me I needed a hair cut. As a little kid I didn't get what was going on and told my mom that I needed a hair cut and my mom said no so finally I cut it myself. And then my grandma gloated about how if my mom had just cut my hair then it wouldn't have happened. (Kinda screwed my mom on that one.)
I know that story seems sort of off topic but it just sort of makes you (me anyway) realize how influential grandparents can be on your children.
I know it can be hard to reconcile the fact that your LO isn't going to have the same relationship with your MIL as your neices but in the long run it might work out better for everyone. You don't have to listen to MIL complain about stuff that isn't any of her business and your daughter will still have a relationship with MIL just not a super tight one.

The only reason I would continue to invite her over is to keep the peace between my DH and myself.

She doesn't keep her thoughts in. She just freely says what she wants and that drives me nuts. I would be content if my DD and her don't have a strong relationship. Because to be quite honest I don't want them to. As awful as that sounds. You are right, my DD is better off not being around her as much. I just don't know if my Dh will allow that.

muffin0526 · January 2013

SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

I agree! I did say that to him. I said I don't care that it is your mom. She needs to keep her mouth shut and thoughts to herself. I told him that WE are his #1 priority aand they should not be. He does defend me but not to her. Which is the frustrating part.

muffin0526 · January 2013

jessandandy09:
SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

THis, absolutely this. steer clear of name calling but by all means you need to be able to discuss how she is making you feel and how she is being disrespectful. i would NOT be inviting her over anymore, and when she complains I would tell her that she always declines and complains about the house so you interpreted that she didn't want to be there.

I do tell him how hurt it makes me. He feels bad for sure, but I don't think he would confront her about it.

The crazy part about her saying all the rude comments about our house, we purchases the house from them. It was my DH's grandparents home. Go figure that..

muffin0526 · January 2013

SteelCity44:
jessandandy09:

SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

THis, absolutely this. steer clear of name calling but by all means you need to be able to discuss how she is making you feel and how she is being disrespectful. i would NOT be inviting her over anymore, and when she complains I would tell her that she always declines and complains about the house so you interpreted that she didn't want to be there.

Yes! And your DH needs to understand that when she's at your house, she needs to be respectful and follow your rules. He needs to step up and tell his mom when she is being rude. My FIL has a mouth on him, and I told DH that I don't want that language around my son. When they're at my house, watch your mouth. When we're at their place, they can act how they want, but they need to know that we may choose not to bring our son over if it's not an example we want him to observe. It needs to start now, when he's just beginning to understand what people are saying.

And fair is not equal. So it's okay if your family visits your LO more often than your ILs do. You want to surround your child with a loving environment. If your family is more capable of doing that and more willing to put forth the effort to spend quality time with your LO, then they absolutely deserve more time than your ILs do!

I don't think he will ever stand up to her. I pray one day he does though.

I agree with the fair is not equal 100%. I wish my DH would understand that. It is their choice to decline things that we invite them to. It is their fault. So I don't feel like hearing excuses of why they are going to sit at home doing nothing when they could see their grandchild.

SteelCity44 · January 2013

muffin0526:

SteelCity44:
I can't respond as much as I want to right now, but to the "he says, that's my mom you are talking about." part, I would (and have) quickly respond with "Yes. And I am your WIFE." She can't treat you or your family like crap, just because she's his mom. He's a big boy now and needs to understand that his FAMILY comes ahead of his MOMMY, and you have every right to voice your frustrations to him!

I agree! I did say that to him. I said I don't care that it is your mom. She needs to keep her mouth shut and thoughts to herself. I told him that WE are his #1 priority aand they should not be. He does defend me but not to her. Which is the frustrating part.

I talk a good talk, but that is such a challenging part of growing up and forming your own life separate from your parents'. I want DH to stand up for me when his mom continues to question the way that we introduced foods, but yet I cower when my mom keeps grabbing Micah off of DH when we're at family events, even though he doesn't get to see LO very much. It's not easy, but it's definitely a part of growing up that we all have to do.

Maybe you could sympathize to YH about how difficult it is for him and he might be more open to listening to your concerns. (Clearly, I'm trying to preach to myself right now, sorry!)

muffin0526 · January 2013

okate0213:
Big hugs! This sounds frustrating, she has a lot of nerve chritisizing your home and then making the comment "those are my girls". Ugh that would bug me. Of course you spend more time with your family, because at least they care about you and your daughter.
I would stand up to your husband also when he makes the comment "she's my mom" You're his wife and he needs to stand up to his family he chose.

Thank you for the hugs I sure could use them.

Yes, she always refers to my 3 nieces as "her girls" and probably always will. So my heart breaks for my sweet baby girl that she will never fit into that roll. Not that I want her to. I want her to be a strong person and know that she is loved so much by so many other people. People who want to see her and watch her grow. I just dread the day when she comes to me wondering why they are treated differently.

And the interesting thing is, before my DD was born, I told my husband our children would never be treated the same as his sister's girls. It is sad that my prediction was right.

I do stand up to my husband. I just wish he would stand up to his mom.

Torani · January 2013

Random question, as it feels like I am missing something. You said she spent hours at SIL's for Christmas, but only an hour at your house. Is there a reason why you could not go to your SIL's for Xmas too and therefore spend hours together as a whole family? I don't get the separateness? We spend one day with DH's family (everyone comes to our house) and one day with my family, all at my sister's or cousin's house, with everyone on my side. I'm wondering if your MIL was miffed that she had to go to separate houses on the holiday.

muffin0526 · January 2013

Torani:
Random question, as it feels like I am missing something. You said she spent hours at SIL's for Christmas, but only an hour at your house. Is there a reason why you could not go to your SIL's for Xmas too and therefore spend hours together as a whole family? I don't get the separateness? We spend one day with DH's family (everyone comes to our house) and one day with my family, all at my sister's or cousin's house, with everyone on my side. I'm wondering if your MIL was miffed that she had to go to separate houses on the holiday.

we were hosting Christmas at our house for both sides of the family. So my family was here and said they would come over eventually. MIL insisted she put on dinner at her house for my SIL and her family. We wanted everyone to be here all day. We Didn't want to have to split time like usual. But she had o have things her way and cause trouble.

smithwilson1219 · January 2013

I'm sorry you rude ILs. I have them too. We're doing the cio method since D's has been waking up every hour and with clinical starting at 630 I can't do that anymore. She says that she never let her kids cry for two mins and that maybe D's should stay at her house instead of ours even though she was sahm .. My fil found out we were doing CIO and he's all well you know grandmother would never let him CIO.. Ugh! Not to mention they criticize my family and say they're glad we don't live near them BC my brother is divorced and BC my sister has a child out of wedlock and my father died so my D's would only have a grandma and not a granddaddy there.. I have to move lol

Want a personalized experience?

MIL rant

Re: MIL rant

Choose Another Board

Search Boards