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Toddlers: 24 Months+
dande2129
member
hitting uncharted territory. Re: behavior at daycare
dande2129
member
DS is a sweet little boy, but being 2 1/2, he does have his defiant moments and times when his behavior has to be corrected. What 2 1/2 year old doesn't, though?
It has been fairly consistent for several weeks now that he is not listening, hitting, kicking and trying to bite at daycare. The teachers were concerned yesterday, and told me that when the children were playing, he blatantly went over to his "friend", pushed him off of a stool that the child was sitting on, and then kicked him in the face. When asked about this incident, DS smiles, looks proud and says, "Yep! I kicked <enter friend's name here>" Neither FI or I have ever encouraged this behavior either by smiling back, laughing, etc. We try to talk to him about it but I really don't know what else to do. Should I be punishing him for something that he did at school that I wasn't there for and happened HOURS before? Would he even connect the consequence the next day when he wants to act that way?
I don't want the "violent" kid in the class, and I'm tired of hearing about how he was sent to the office because he can't be a productive member of the classroom. He doesn't act this way at home.
We tried to do a sticker chart, and that didn't work. We have tried taking toys away, and that doesn't really work. We have tried withholding special snacks/treats, and that has not worked either. I guess I'm really looking for any advice from someone who has dealt with the same kind of thing and see where FI and I can go from here.
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Re: hitting uncharted territory. Re: behavior at daycare
We would have a calm conversation several times that night (usually me on the way home, dad when we got home, then both of us before bed) about it's not nice to act that way toward our friends, etc.
Then we started using positive reinforcement. "If you're nice to your friends and help your teachers today, you can watch a cartoon tonight." And then the big one...."If you're nice to your friends ALL WEEK, we can go to McDonald's Saturday morning so you can have fun on the Playland." She loves the Playland, and even if we don't buy more than a couple drinks, it's definitely a reward for her. She recognizes that when she hasn't been acting appropriately, things that she wants don't happen.
Good luck. I have found, with DD, it was mainly a phase. We occasionally have a bad day, but I can usually attribute that due to a lack of nap.
What type of punishment does daycare do? Does it work for them? I have found with my kid that punishing him for something I was not there for or long after the fact does no good. Not at this age at least.
Did the daycare provide any guidance? I'm sure your kid is not the first one they have encountered with this.
Thanks for the great advice. We were actually just talking about doing this last night and this morning. We had started the ball rolling with it in telling him that if he's a good listener today, with no hitting/biting/kicking friends, that he could have a cookie (read: granola bar, but he doesn't know the difference) when he got home from school. Additionally, and I don't know if this even made any sort of impact, I told him that if I was told by his teachers that he didn't follow the rules, then there would be consequences--- we would put away all of his toys.
FI and I fully intend to stick to this and see if it works. It can't hurt anything, that's for sure. Not at this point, anyway. I know that DS is smart enough, because he will tell me, after I have said it's not nice to hit/bite/hurt friends, "But, Jake tried to bite ME!" I've reiterated that if that happens, he needs to tell a teacher, not bite Jake back. Ouy.
The daycare uses time-out as a very last resort and time-outs do not work with DS anyway. He has had multiple "time-outs" the last couple of weeks, and they recognize that they don't bother him.
If a child hurts another friend in any way, they encourage the child that did the hurting to give a hug, say they are sorry, etc. The child that has been hurt is encouraged to say, "No thank you. I don't like that." That's as far as I know how their "punishments" go.
They didn't really have any suggestions. They told me that if I begin doing something at home to let them know so that they can enforce that sort of discipline also. (Obviously not spanking or anything like that) They are kind of at a loss too. Maybe it's just the teacher.... she makes it sound like my child is the spawn of Satan, whereas another teacher who was standing there that has known DS since he started there has said, "My son does the same thing."
It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one. I have definitely noticed more aggression recently at home, but nothing like they say he does at DC.
P.S, are you stalking me today?
Not intentionally but I noticed that too! We are just so awesome we think alike?
Ok so we need to sit our boys down together and tell them to act right or we are going to duct tape them to the wall. Because duct taping J to the wall is my go to solution LOL
DD usually only tries to bite me when she's tired and since she is rejecting naps at home, that is most weekends. Yesterday she apparently went to another girl at daycare and just leaned over and bit. No provocation. I could say she was tired from not sleeping well the night before or that she is no longer challenged in her classroom (she's ready to move up to the next room; daycare just needs the spot to open). Regardless, we viewed it as a bullying behavior that needs to stop.
DD and I had a very long conversation about in when we left daycare. DH had one with her at home. We also talked about this AM. DD loves Yo Gabba Gabba so we kept using the terms in the "Don't Bite Your Friends" song.
When I get her today, I'll praise her for being a good girl and keep reinforcing the nice behavior.
Interestingly, when we asked her why she bit the other kid, DD kept saying, "Wanted hugs."
Our LO started having some aggression issues recently at daycare. We talked to the teachers and director and had him moved up to the next class with kids who were older, to kind of reverse the "pecking order". It worked like a charm and he's perfectly happy and back to his normal, loving, calm self in there.
We see this at home with DS lately, not daycare yet thank goodness. I remember DD going through a hitting/biting phase around this time too and it lasted a few months and then passed. Not sure if it's a boy thing or attention thing for DS but he is brutal and will pull fistfulls of DD's hair out, or smack her in the head with a toy hammer for absolutely no reason.Hope this phase passes quickly and is truly just a phase!
The best thing to do IMO is continue to talk to him, maybe find some books about not hitting and biting, etc. and also ask him why he did "x" (may be a little abstract, but worth a shot). The problem with at home consequences, is the event did not happen at home and a lot has gone on in his day since then (even though he remembers what he has done and laughs). Taking away a toy has no connection to physically hurting someone, so that can be confusing too.
I would talk to the daycare and find out more -- is there a certain time of day these incidence occur? i.e. DD was bit a few times at DC, when I looked into it further, this always happened around lunch time because the teachers were too busy getting everyone situated for lunch, and she would provoke the girl who sat next to her by taking her napkin or something. Is it always the same victim(s)? Maybe you can ask the teacher(s) to keep a closer eye on your DS while he is playing with that "friend". How do the teachers react when DS does these things? Does he get a warning? Put in time out? Does he go straight to the office? Do they yell? This can cause kids to get nervous and laugh about the incident during or after it occurs.
HTH, and GL!
This.
Unless you truly have the spawn of Satan, which I doubt, most children act out because they are frustrated. They all go through a biting phase, but I think your LO is too old for that phase. I am a little old school in that I think if a child is acting like a bully, a taste of their own medicine works a charm. He may be bored, he may not like his teacher, he may be reacting your growing belly, who knows? Hopefully, it is just that he is bored or scared that things will change too much when his new sibling comes along, and that will work itself out in time. I used to finish my work early when I was in school and would get bored, so I would talk to the other kids and disrupt the classroom. My mom sent me with books to read when I was done, and problem solved. I know LO is too young for that yet, but a simple solution is probably out there. Good luck!
You didn't missread. He would tell me, "I went to the office today!" and then yesterday, when we were told about kicking his friend in the face, one of the teachers did say that so-and-so took him to the office. Apparently, they don't do time-outs unless it is a last resort, and I'm guessing that going to the office with one of the directors is a time-out? Either way, DS didn't see it that way; he thought it was cool/different.
To all PP, thank you for the great advice! When I picked him up today, I was told that he was an excellent listener and shared/played well with friends. We did have two talks about the incident and his behavior; one last night, and one this morning. FI and I talked about positive reinforcement for good behavior, so DS got to watch an extra episode of Fireman Sam (what he wanted) I've made sure to tell him throughout the night how happy it makes me that he was nice to his friends and was a good listener today.
Thinking back, I think it could be a combination of the age/phase but also the fact that he sleeps in until 8 - 8:30, he eats a small breakfast and is at daycare around 10 am. From there, they play but then lunch is at 11:30, and nap is at noon. I honestly think that he's not tired, but he lays down and may possibly go to sleep because there is no other option. I think that he's getting TOO much sleep. (He normally only takes a very small, 30 minute nap on the weekends or times when he's just home with me) Their nap is two HOURS long at daycare.
This morning, he woke up at 6:30 and this was my first day back to class since winter break, so I just got up with him and started our usual morning routine. He got to daycare a little earlier, and the teacher told me that he knocked out at nap time. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but he was in a far better mood today than he has been for the last few weeks at daycare. I am going to try that again tomorrow and for the next few days to see if it makes any difference.