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Special Needs
Explaining Autism to My Son
I hope you don't mind me visiting this board...I think you all will be able to help me determine when/how to explain to my 4yo DS that his best friend, the 4yo DD of my very good friend, is on the autism spectrum.
She has a PDD-NOS diagnosis. At this point in her therapy, I really do not think that anyone just meeting her would have any idea about her diagnosis. She does have a somewhat noticeable speech delay (about a year behind), but she is verbal, speaks in full sentences, is social, mostly potty trained.There have been some behavioral issues in the past (refusing to get dressed for days at a time, food issues, I guess what you would call tantrums for seemingly no reason -- though frankly they are no different than what my neurotypical child has) but a lot of that is largely resolving itself as she gets older.
Because we spend a lot of time with her, though, there are things that I believe my son may notice. Her social cues sometimes are a little off..I don't know how to explain that very well, but if for example someone is mean to her it kind of goes past her. What brings me to come to you guys for help is this...we go to the playground a lot with them. My DS loves to swing and his friend does not (part of her ASD or not, who knows?) but she will get upset sometimes if he's swinging and try to get him off. To me, it's no different than any child who's trying to get another one to play with them. But the other day we got to the park early and we were swinging and he said "It's a good thing that we got here early b/c you know when XXX gets here she would be screaming at me to get off and stuff."
A little part of me died. I didn't know how to approach a discussion about ASD right then and there so I kind of just said that that wasn't very nice and she just wants to play with him. Do you all think this is something that I should bring up with him? Or wait and see? He is getting to the age where he is very tattley and has no problem telling you loudly and publically how things are as he sees them. I would never ever in a million years want him to say something to my friend or her daughter that would make them uncomfortable. I don't really know how to instill empathy in him at this age...I fear if we have a conversation about it than he would go up to her and repeat what I told him. I haven't talked to my friend yet about what she thinks...Hope you guys can give me some ideas. He is a sweet little boy for the most part, but I don't think he has really developed the social graces yet to understand certain things that can hurt feelings. Thanks for any advice.
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Re: Explaining Autism to My Son
If this is your really good friend, why can't you ask her how to handle the situation?
She may not want your son "outing" her DD. Please do not give him the vocabulary to do so.
DD may not know she is Autistic, and may not need to know at this time.
Everybody is different. Period. Perhaps a lesson in accepting people's differences and what it means to be polite?
I know you are afraid he is gonna blurt out something in her presence and cause you some awkward embarrassment, but I think you will survive.
Thanks ladies. I appreciate the thoughtful responses. I wasn't very clear at all, but I would not be telling my son XYZ playmate has autism. I guess I am just racking my brain for an explanation for the behaviors that goes beyond the "we all have differences..."speech.
My friend and I have started the discussion in the past just in general terms..I am not ready to continue it yet. Because her DD is so high functioning, my friend really struggled with believing in the diagnosis. Right now, she is in a good place with her acceptance of it and is really happy with the amazing strides her DD has made in therapy. Unfortunately, other things in her life are just not in a good place at all. I think that acknowleding what my son said will upset a very delicate apple cart right now. It will have to happen, but I am hoping we can discuss it generally first.
I was really sad, Auntie, about the idea of compartmentalizing our frienship. You obviously know the realities of navigating the world of ASD more than I do, but I wish we could keep both the kids in this little bubble of innocence they are in now. They enjoy each other's company so much. because they are different genders, I am sure as they go on to seprate schools and activities, there will be a natural drifting. I do hope we can keep them as good buddies as two different gender kids can be - I hope that doesn't sound too naive.