birthday cards/anniversary of death cards **ticker and siggy warning**

Starting on the 1 year anniversary of Jack's birth and death, the Palliative Care team from the hospital where Jack was, has sent us a birthday card for his birthday and then a "thinking of you" card on the anniversary of his death.

Initially, the cards ticked me off as it was just a constant reminder that he wasn't here anymore and that I had no baby book to really put them in (I do have a box of all his things..hospital bracelets, etc). But now, I sort of look forward to them. Like while the rest of the world might have forgotten, they still remember (although I am sure it's just one big list they got off of).

This year, being 5 years (geez, it's been that long already?), they have sent us a letter asking if we wish to still receive the cards. They understand if we don't want them, but will happily continue to send them if we wish. And this may sound strange..I'm not sure what I want.

(bear with me..this is partially a "what would you do?" and just a way to figure out what it is I want...so this has the potential to be very long)

Like I said before, when the cards first started, I was annoyed (would you send a birthday card for your dead grandma for instance). It was like adding salt to the wound and I remember standing there, holding the card crying because instead of it being a cheerful "yeah for your first birthday" with some cute cartoon on it like all other first birthday cards, it was more or less a sympathy card. The same went with the card that came 9 days later-I didn't want yet another reminder that my baby wasn't here. And I threw the cards someplace where I wouldn't have to look at it. But as the years went on, the cards still caused me to pause, and have the knife in my heart twisted a little more, but I would put the cards up next to Jack's urn on the bookcase.with pride,.the same place I put any cards we get for any other occasion. And after a week or so, I would put the cards in his box with all the other momento's. I had often joke with my husband, how long they would keep it up..would we be getting cards years from now "remembering Jack on what would have been his 25th birthday" etc. The cards over the years have brought me comfort. I always try hard to remember that Jack lived and not focus so much that he died. And those cards have done that. 

But now that we have the option to "opt" out of them, I don't know how I feel. I am a somewhat practical person, and I wonder, if we continue with them, we will have a box of cards, and I wonder what will my other children do with Jack's box once my husband and I are gone (morbid thought, I know). Where I will give my other children their baby books, and their boxes with the hat from the hospital, and other things-and they will show everything off to their kids and grandkids..I wonder what will come of Jack's box. Since Jack isn't here, will my grandkids care to read cards for an uncle they never knew. Yet, if we stop the cards, it's one less reminder of him we will have. Admittingly, the rest of the year, I am so involved with DD, I don't think of Jack as much as I usually do. But I make it a point each year on his brithday and the anniversary of his death, to make them his days. On his birthday, we get a cake, I sing happy birthday to him at 8:04am. Then on the 25th, I allow myself to be alone and moody and cry like a baby at 4:37pm when he officially died. But without the cards...it's less...I don't know..hoopla?

It's like we if ask them to stop sending the cards, it's like we are asking to stop being reminded that he lived and died..like we don't care. And though I know we will never forget Jack, and January 16th and 25th will always be tough days for us, minus the cards, we will admit that we don't want another reminder of these days. Make sense?

 I don't know what to do. And maybe this is a silly thing to get so worked up about, but I never thought I would have to make the decision of whether or not I wanted other people to recognize the life and death of my child.