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Blended Families
lb1212
member
Wishing for 2023
lb1212
member
DH and I are struggling to form a united front when dealing with BM. I've been feeling like either end up being a glorified baby sitter or a B***h for taking control of a situation. I want us to work together as a team - especially in front of SD and BM.
BM has called me as SD's "advocated" over DS smack-talking ("I'm going to crush you like a bug") SD during a wii game. Rather than saying something to me or DH's mother, SD called and tattled to BM. BM called to report what SD said - however assured me that she (BM) understood that DS was just being a boy and that smack talk was something that big brothers did. THEN turned around and called DH with a much different scenario, conveniently forgetting to mention that she already discussed the issue with me. The next time DH and I spoke, he was upset over what BM said and wanted to set up a rule forbidding DS from any sort of smack talk towards SD - especially since she's been having a rough time lately. {We've agreed that the rule can be set - but for girls in general, not just SD.} Since this, I've asked that any complaints involving DS be discussed with me present.
Tonight, I picked SD up from visiting with the grandparents. We'd been in the car for about 5 minutes, when someone noticed a fart smell. DS immediately blamed SD (she's usually the culprit 
) and SD started to cry. I cracked every window and instructed both of them to hush and stop talking to each other. SD later asked to call BM because she missed her. I walked passed her room (putting laundry up) and heard her tell BM that she (SD) was upset because DS was ignoring her. I interrupted the phone call to get SD to fess up to the whole story - that I was the one who set the "no talking". DH came into the room at that point so I left. I was very proud of DH for how he handled SD - the highlights - a) why she lied about wanting to call BM, b) why didn't she "tattle" to him or me - being the ones in charge, c) instructed her to apologize to me (she decided not to do that).
Any tips on surviving the next 10 years (she graduates high school in 2022)?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wishing for 2023
How old is DS? You said older brother, so assuming no mitigating factors like autism, he should be old enough to read social cues and know he is bullying SD, not playing around WITH her, when he's trash talking. It seems like both of you could come to the realization that when a person's words are bringing another to tears, the words should cease, no matter the gender or relationship.
I hope you can help yourself and DS grow in this aspect and develop empathy and compassion. Banning talking altogether is not a solution, as both SD and DS need social interaction, and grownups who can guide them in appropriate behavior.
Was SD actually upset over what DS said? My brother and I said stuff like that all the time... but it didn't hurt or upset either of us. One of our cousins did get upset about stuff like that so we learned that we could do it to each other but not to her. If she wasn't upset about it then I'd talk to her about why she brought it up to BM. If she was upset about it I would work on teacher her how to advocate for herself (by saying something in the moment) and with DS about how to treat people.
As for the farting thing.... that's more complicated. How do you guys handle farting in general? At our home, you're welcome to fart but it can't be at the dinner table and you have to say excuse me. Even my 2 year old gets it. Farting is totally natural but not always socially appropriate. I don't think it would have mattered who farted in the car a young boy is going to laugh about it and make jokes. I would work with SD on learning when to fart and with DS on knowing what is embarrassing to girls.
I would definitely work on the tattling issue. Why is she doing it? Is she just nervous or embarrassed about saying something to you two directly? If so, maybe have her write it down or use a code word when she's upset so you can start the convo.
Why is it ok for your ds to trash talk at all? Do you think it's "cute"? Will you think it's cute when he is grown up and has a lack of respect?
Why is it ok for you to listen in on sd's phone calls and barge in on her, and bully her to tell your side of the story to her mom? Doesn't she have any privacy at your house?
Why can't she call her mom for any reason at all? Why does she feel so uncomfortable at your house that she has to lie about it?
Why is it ever ok for one child to bully another child to tears?
Those are just a few of the questions that I can think of. Your poor sd feels ganged up on and probably is counting the minutes til she is of legal age more than you are!!!
Eta based on your title, is your sd only 7 years old? [23 minus 18 equals 2005 birth year]. If so, I feel even worse for her. My older dd is sensitive, so I know how annoying that can be at times, but just because your sd is sensitive does not mean you can't both encourage her to stick up for herself, while asking your son to lay off.
I would suggest DH and BM talking about it and seeing if they can decide together on a way to handle it. At the end of the summer when SD went to BMs she started to tattle to us about BMs house. Since DH and BM talked we already had a plan. She hasn't rattled since.
Good luck!
I am new here, and maybe you all know something that I don't, but I don't see why OP is being judged so much. If I were her, I would have the following issues:
1. If SD has a problem at my home, she needs to talk to her father or me. Talking to BM about it is not going to solve anything in my home. Perhaps this can be - gently - explained to her? Let her know that your door is always open and she can talk to either of you anytime about anything.
2. How is this such a big deal? I don't think she was being bullied. I think she was dealing with a typical sibling thing. Boys really will be boys. Trash talking during video games (or other things) can happen even with girls, in fact. I just don't see a reason to have it be a big, drawn-out, dramatic deal. The BM is my situation does stuff like that - acts like it is the end of the world if SD didn't get to watch a tv show or something. This type of attitude cannot be encouraged, or it will result in the child being way too spoiled and pampered. My SD is overly sensitive too. It is annoying at times, but she gets over it. She has learned to toughen up a bit, which will come in handy in the big bad world later on in life.
. Kids nowadays need to learn that life is not always so easy. They will not learn that if you let them cry and be overly dramatic over every little thing.
That being said, it probably wouldn't be a bad thing to just tell your DS to lay off a bit for now because it upsets her. But honestly, you will probably be breaking up stuff like this for a long time to come.
Jenjen, I just want to add that often when children are overly sensitive it is because they are insecure. What provides them the security they need to be strong enough to face the "big bad world" is a loving home in which they feel like their needs are taken care of, their feelings are validated, and they aren't ignored or picked on.
Children with security at home can face the uncertainty and harshness of the world. We don't give children a harsh environment at home to prepare them for the world, we let them know there's always a safe refuge for them and that's how they can be strong enough to deal with outside bullies or the like.
See, I don't see where she said she was defending him and asking her to apologize. So maybe I misunderstood something.
But I also think no matter what that someone that is not in the house or witness to any of this or aware of the culture in the house should not be expected to fix it either. It sounds to me like the little girl did not even try to discuss it with her father or her SM.
The thing about 7 yo's, is that they exaggerate alot. You have to take what they say with a grain of salt sometimes.
As for the rest of the bolded, I agree with you for the most part. I still don't think this was a "bullying" situation, but OP's DS does need to be taught when talk like that is appropriate. That is why I said she should tell him to lay off. I don't think the situation should be completely ignored, but I also do not think that such a huge deal should be made either.
I agree very much with the bolded. But I never said that we need to create a "harsh environment" to get the point across. I just said that maybe we should prepare them for the possibility that sometimes your feelings will get hurt, and provide them with the tools to deal with it and move on.
That's not to say that her feelings should be disregarded. Not at all.
Calling it "tattling" makes SD the wrong-doer, not DS. She was upset that her husband set the rule of no-trash-talking to SD without her and demanded to be included in the conversation next time.
And, yes, she's huffy that after all this, SD did not apologize to her and she's counting the years until SD is out of the house.
Maybe I'm reading more into it than is there, but the situation seems pretty clear to me from what's written.
I think these are the questions the OP should be considering.
J&A2008
The "crushing you like a bug" incident happened at my husband's parents' house while playing a video game. DS was immediately given a warning and they continued to play. SD did NOT cry or any other way indicate she was upset until it was time to rotate in a 3rd child (we rotated every 10 min.) She then got a little sulky and decided to call BM.
For me the issues were (are) - A) SD said nothing to me (OR her bio-grandmother)
Clarification - DH was upset over what BM said to him versus what she said to me.
HE suggested setting up the rule to prevent further incidents. I'm ok with the rule, but made it for girls in general - not just SD, because I agree that trash-talk among boys is different than with girls.
Sigir
I put 2023 to get her through her freshman year of college. SD is 9.
I happened to overhear the conversation as I walked past her room. She can call her mom anytime. She will take the calls privately in her room sometimes, but not always. Occasionally, BM will talk to DH or myself at the end of the conversation. Several times, I've had to correct information SD has told her mom ("My throat hurts and no one is doing anything" "No, BM, we gave her medicine right before she called you." "Dad won't let me eat anything and I'm hungry" "We've told both kids no snacks until dinner - which is cooking now.") This is the 1st time I'm aware that she lied about her reason for calling. Once again, she didn't say anything about being upset to her father or me.
I frequently work with DS on being gentler with SD and work with her on building more skills for conflict resolution - using her words for example.
new+tothis
Normally, SD laughs and claims her farts! I did talk to DS about how everyone farts and how there's no need to make a big deal about it.
jenjen930
See, I don't see where she said she was defending him and asking her to apologize. So maybe I misunderstood something.
But I also think no matter what that someone that is not in the house or witness to any of this or aware of the culture in the house should not be expected to fix it either. It sounds to me like the little girl did not even try to discuss it with her father or her SM.
Thank you!
SD is never fussed at for her tears.. She is held and soothed by DH. I will rub her back. Once, when she was crying over not being allowed to spend the night out (we had plans the next day), she was asked her to finish her crying in her room. After the tears are dry, we talk to her about other ways she could have solved the problem. At times, we'll catch the tears as they start and try to get her to work it out another way - and praise her when she does.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My frustration and what I wanted advise on - how to deal with SD calling her mom and (either intentionally or unintentionally) misrepresenting events at our house. I've suggested a monthly meeting at pick up at McDonalds or Starbucks (neutral ground), so BM, DH and I - and more often if needed.
Thank you all for reading this.If you are dealing with SD's concerns, then I wouldn't worry about what she tells BM. If BM raises concerns with you, then you can address them. I would not try to squelch SD's communication with BM because you feel it reflects negatively on you.
My husband travels frequently and he talks to the boys every night. Often they rehash some issue they had at school or complaint with their brothers that I have already discussed with them and handled. It's part of their bonding with their dad. They want their dad to know what's going on with them and how they are feeling. Sometimes DH and I will talk about it again so I can fill him in on the aftermath, sometimes not. Sometimes DH will suggest a solution I haven't thought of. I know you may not care for it, but you and BM are coparenting and it's not wrong that she know how her daughter is feeling even though she's in your house at the time.
I can see where you might want to protest when your SD says "my throat hurts and no one it doing anything" because you just gave her medicine, but maybe she is wanting a lozenge or some tea. I'm not saying you're wrong in thinking that you did do something, but SD's not wrong either because her throat still hurts, even though she had the medicine.
If you want to make a follow up text to BM after she talks with SD privately, then do it, but don't make a big issue to SD and don't make her apologize to you for sharing her feelings with her own mother. I think you're making a huge deal out of nothing, really, if everything is addressed as you say.
I have a very tight relationship with my mother, and I frequently spill all to her about what's going on, and her to me, even if there's nothing she can do to help or everything has been done already, she still wants to know.
The other part of your issue when you initially posted was that DH made a rule for DS's trash-talking to SD without consulting you. I am all for SM involvement, but in this case, I don't think he was wrong to address it. BM had already given you the opportunity when she spoke to you first, but you didn't resolve the issue, so she went to DH.
Personally, if any child were repeatedly making my child uncomfortable, I don't think I'd have to consult with their parent before telling them they weren't allowed to do it anymore.
I think that it is in kids' nature to lie. Especially if SD thinks she can garner some extra sympathy or attention or whatever.
But obviously lying has to be corrected, and that's our role as parents.
DS makes stuff up sometimes when he's on the phone with XH. He does it to get a reaction from me--the child will literally look at me and laugh while the words are coming out of his mouth.
When I notice it, I will correct him. I don't get on the phone w/ XH but I try to raise my voice loud enough that I think it will be overheard. Even if XH doesn't hear everything I say, presumably he gets the gist of it.
What I don't notice/overhear I don't worry about.
I think that most parents know that kids should not be taken at their word for everything. I certainly don't believe every single thing out of my child's mouth. If XH wants to look for things to be upset about, it's not my problem. I would only intercede (in terms of taking it up w/ XH) if the lies were really serious, ie abuse, neglect, endangerment, whatever.
This is kind of what I was saying when I said that kids can exaggerate sometimes. Parents need to understand that sometimes things get taken out of proportion, or are blown up to be something much more serious than it should have been. You really do have to take things kids say and do with a grain of salt sometimes.
My SD comes over to our house and says stuff about her BM, and goes home and says stuff about us. BM freaks out and calls or texts, and it generally is, let's say, missing details. I have learned to mostly let it go. If there is something we are really concerned about, we ask BM. Otherwise, we just chalk it up to her being a kid.