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LGBT Parenting
Advice for BFF's shower
My BFF and her DW are expecting their first child and I am planning her/their shower. I have a few questions.
1) BFF is the gestational carrier, but her DW also intends to carry the next child. Should the shower be for both of them? Just for BFF and then plan to have another shower for her DW when she's pregnant? In our circle we don't do showers (or even sprinkles) for second and subsequent children. How should this situation, which among our circle is unique, be handled?
2) BFF does not like co-ed showers but what should I do about their lesbian couple friends? Obviously they are all women so should be invited, but they are also a part of a couple so should we only invite one?
3) BFF is super girly and for her I would love to plan a english tea garden shower (they are team green so I want to plan the theme to celebrate them, not the unborn baby). However her DW is really not that kind of woman at all. While still very feminine if I was planning a shower for just her it would be very sports themed. (This sort of ties into question 1) Should I go on with the english tea garden theme or try to make a shower that would appeal to both of them.
4) What from your showers did you and your DP most enjoy? Did you both open gifts?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TTC since July 2009
^Rosemary^ May 7, 2010
Holding my rainbow, Beatrix, since August 21, 2012
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice for BFF's shower
I haven't had a shower or attended a same-sex couples shower -- but I'm sure others who have will chime in too -- but here are my thoughts:
1) I would invite both, especially if this is the only opportunity for a shower for either/both of them. (That said, I just asked my wife -- who does not plan to ever carry -- and she said she wouldn't come, but I think it's nice to at least invite them both.)
2) I would invite both partners of any female same-sex couple. That's not co-ed. (My wife would probably not come though as she doesn't like showers/those kinds of events, but it's a nice gesture.)
3) I would either ask her/them what they would prefer, and/or I would just do the English tea garden theme.
4) Can't answer this yet, but I would assume they would figure out opening the gifts in a way they were comfortable with or could take turns.
Thanks for asking. It shows what a good friend you are. Here are my personal opinions on answers to your questions--not everyone will agree, but it's just one perspective. For what it's worth, I was the non-carrying (and very girly) partner.
1. The shower should be for both parents, honoring the baby coming into their lives. Having it be for both of them also takes away the awkward pressure of whether or not to have a second shower. As the non-carrier, I felt 100% included in our showers...and "my" friends threw us one as well. Hopefully, the DW of your BFF has a BFF that is also throwing "her side" a shower. If not, and your space allows, would you be willing to invite some of DW's friends?
2. Ask your BFF for an invite list--she will know who to invite. Generally, both women in a couple should be invited, unless your BFF is only friends with one woman in that couple. We know it's a little weird sometimes that we both get invited to showers when no one else has a couple there...and we also know that sometimes it's a courtesy invite since we are both girls. When that is the case, one of us won't go if we aren't close to the person who is having a baby.
3. Personally, I think it's important to honor both the women in the shower, so I would steer clear of any theme that would make one of them uncomfortable or make it seem like the shower was "more" for one or the other. Do something more neutral or skip a theme all together--appeal to both of them.
4. We had 3 showers (a family shower, her friends shower, my friends shower). We each opened gifts at both of them, but I opened more at my friends shower and she opened more at her friends shower. But, we decided. As the host, you don't need to worry about that--have them sit together in the place of honor and they will figure out naturally who will open what.
In the end, our shower was pretty much like every baby shower you've ever been to. I can't think of anything particularly special/different about it....it was just wonderful to know that people 100% support us and treat us like every other couple who are expecting. It sounds like you will throw your friends an amazing shower full of love and expectation--good for you, that's all that really matters!
I'm sorry i wont have time to answer all your questions, but as the birth mother to a 12 day old I thought I'd chime in. My partner and I had multiple showers, including two that were given by our friends. One was co-ed. She attended both showers, and while I did most of the present opening she helped. Also, at one of the showers, the one that wasn't co-ed, we were both given corsages to wear.
I would advise you to just ask your friend about some of your questions. If I were in her shoes, I would be happy to answer them.
Thank you for taking the time to ask! Each couple could be different so these are just my opinions.
A shower is to welcome a woman to motherhood. In the case of a lesbian couple both women are coming into motherhood and that should be celebrated. In my DP's case it was especially important that she be included as she is the non biological mother yet just as important as myself. I guess this will depend on the couple and their feelings. My opinion is plan it for both of them. We put both of our names on the invites (in Honor of "blank" and "blank) just like a co-ed shower invite.
I would speak with your BFF and ask her for a guest list. Just let her know about how many you can accommodate and let her provide the names. This will eliminate the question on inviting one or both in a couple.
For a theme I would keep it neutral for both ladies. If you really like the tea theme do a spin on it and make it less formal with maybe the tea style foods but a more casual environment. My DP (not girly at all) would have been totally fine with this theme. One of our showers was very formal while she is not and she was totally fine. She adapted quickly and still had a great time.
For gifts my DP pretty much let me open them but she sat with me and took them from me placing them back in bags. We both participated and both were involved. We figured this one out. My recommendation is just provide them a place to sit and they will work this one out.
We just had both of our showers. Like I previously mentioned one was very girly formal and one was co-ed. Her family did a co-ed shower as she only has brothers and wanted to include them where as my families was much more traditional. We had a blast at either one. They were very much like any other shower except that celebrated both of us.
Like I said I honestly believe showers are designed to celebrate and welcome a woman into motherhood. In this case there are two moms so celebrate them both unless they tell you other wise.
Thanks again for taking the time to ask as it shows you really care for your friend and want this to be special for them! Best of luck!
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
I think you've gotten some good suggestions here. For point of reference, we had a joint shower (co-ed) that was more of a party to celebrate the new additions to our family vs a traditional baby shower with games, etc. It was for both of us and we both felt included in all aspects. Each of our workplaces gave us individual showers that the other did not attend.
Have fun planning!
Thank you so much for all the answers and suggestions. I will definitely ask BFF & her DW for guestlist suggestions. I do think I'll stick with the tea party theme but I will incorporate DW's different favorite sports teams into it by making it a sports themed tea party (sport & team themed cookies and tea sandwiches cut in football shapes).
Her DW does not have any close friends that live nearby as she did not go to school in the area, so this will likely be her only friend shower, but does have a very large family nearby. I do think it is possible that BFF & DW will end up with three showers. 1 from BFF's family (which is very large), 1 from DW's family (which again is very large), and then I will be in charge of the mutual friend shower (though I will likely invite immediate family members, BFF's sisters/sisters in law, BFF's mom, DW's Mom)
For their bridal shower we did one huge party that was friends and family and quite honestly it was a bit much, I can't imagine having that many people again and being pregnant.
I do think I will put a few ideas into the back of my mind with regard to DW's party in a few years (as I think every woman wants her first pregnancy to be celebrated even if its not her first child) We did have a sprinkle for our one infertile friend who after adopting her first child ended up getting pregnant (she is one of those stories that drives other infertiles crazy but we were all ecstatic for her). So I imagine we'll do something similar for DW in a few years.
But anyway, I really appreciate the suggestions and so long as you all don't mind I may well pop over here with questions over the next few months. :-)