And now Fiance's Dad has passed away (part vent)

Mama2TwoBoys · January 2013

Totally unrelated to my post directly below this one.

FI got a call from his mom @530 this morning that his dad had died in the night.

FI was hysterical. Bawling, hyperventilating, couldn't breathe. I felt terrible, there was nothing I could do but hug him.

It wasn't a total surprise. FIL has had lots of health problems. Completely refused to manage his diabetes, had lots of heart problems and severely obese. Although undiagnosed, he was clearly past the begninning stages of dementia.

Maybe it's the part of me who dealt with death all the time when I worked in a nursing home, but I'm not all that broken up about it. FIL had diabetic reactions 2-3 times a week, and was nocturnal, so it was only a matter of time that he would get severly low blood sugar while MIL was sleeping or not around to help him. FI and MIL commented frequently about how he was a ticking-time-bomb. I also never had a bond with him. He would tell the same stories over and over again, and go on for as long as you'd let him about things that made no sense. How do you bond with that?

Basically, he was a burden to the family, especially MIL. He favored SS to DS, because DS is considered a bastard to FI's family. And we all knew it was a matter of time before his mismanagement of his diabetes would end his life.

Venting aside... FI is dealing with a lot of anger, as it was a totally preventable death, as well as anger about the abuse he endured by his father when a child. What can I do to help FI through this? Any advice? When you or family member lost someone close, what did you find comforting/helpful?

laurenac · January 2013

First off, I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my younger brother almost two years ago. It was the most devasting loss I've experienced and I still feel sad today. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him. With that said, expect your FI to need time.

Also, my brother was suffering from a disease that required management and he did not always make the best choices when it came to his health. Although other family members may have secretly viewed him as a burden, I never did. I'd be careful using that word around your FI unless he felt that way or opened up to you sharing similar feelings. A family member once made a similar comment regarding my brother and I found it to be extremely offensive.

Some days I feel angry, but most often just sadness. I would let your FI know you are here to talk or listen. It seems like you weren't close with his dad (and in some ways had issues with him). I'd push all those negative emotions aside and just be there for FI. Maybe buy FI a journal to work through his feelings? Offer to go to a group or class on loss. Most cities have free classes available - you could probably google it for your area.

Edit to add- You could of also called my brother a "ticking time bomb" but that didn't make it easier or less of a surprise when it actually happened.

Mama2TwoBoys · January 2013

FI was much more angry about his dad's lack of health management than I was.

There was so much bashing of him between FI and MIL, just constant. They'd be on the phone for hours talking about how they thought he was completely worthless. Seriously, the words of "when he dies it will be a relief!" have come across both their lips.

So I'm having a hard time now hearing "he was such a good man" and all these deeply sentimental things when for two years I've only heard negative things.

However, I would never say those things to him now. Or remind him of those negative things that came from his mouth. I have a feeling, although venting anger was necessary for him and his mom, they both regret many things they said.

A group class for loss is a very good idea. He's getting back into therapy next week, after not being in it for a few months for his depression. I'm hoping that will help him deal with this healthily...

Thank you so much for your input, and sharing your story. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother, as well.

Mama2TwoBoys · January 2013

HilarityEnsued:
Mama2TwoBoys:
So I'm having a hard time now hearing "he was such a good man" and all these deeply sentimental things when for two years I've only heard negative things.
Sorry just butting in here. This is very very typical when someone passes. It will take a very long time (possibly years) before anyone says anything along the lines of "he was a d!ck" or whatever.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's frustrating and sad. That said, I do very strongly agree with PP that you need to work very hard to push your own (rather obvious) negativity aside. If you try to work that angle, or that somehow this is better than him being alive, or whatever, it's very likely that your FI will harbor incredible resentment.
These situations are terrible because, in reality, there is very little that you can actually "do" to make him better. It will just take time, and you can't control that.

This is so true! And that is the hardest part of it all... to see loved ones hurting and not being able to control it in any way.

Thank you for responding.. you weren't butting in

lp0 · January 2013

I agree with pp, you should be very careful what you say and how you say them. It sounds like that type of situation where you can bash your parents, significant other, etc but if someone else does it then you take offense and will stick up for them. It's good he is getting back in therapy especially after reading your concern in the post below. I think all you can do is be there to comfort him and listen if he needs to talk. Good luck!

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