Your Relationship W/ Your Nanny?

patchen30 · January 2013

I'm wondering whether anyone else can weigh in on this topic...

I work 3 days a week and we have a nanny during that time. She's a 24 year old grad student from California. She's a super sweet girl and loves my DS and treats him wonderfully, listens to what I ask her to do and is reliable and so helpful. We're freinds with her at this point. In fact, we like her so much that I fear the barriers of professionalism are sometimes crossed.

B/c we have such a friendly relationship with her, she often joins us on family outings even when she's not babysitting and we're not paying her, will come over for dinner, etc. We brought her on vacation for 3 weeks over the summer. It's not that I feel threatened by her in terms of my place as a mom, I honestly feel threatened by her in terms of my husband (and this is where it gets weird)...

I like having her around, enjoy her company, etc. He does too. And don't think he's attracted to her and I've never seen them flirt or anything, but let's be honest, she is a 24 year old girl in my house and I feel the dynamic often turns to she and my husband being the "fun" ones while I'm the old ball and chain paying attention to DS' schedule, etc.

I've talked to my husband about this a lot. He says whatever I want to do we can do - get rid of her, stop inviting her to join us places, etc. But it always comes across like I'm the neurotic control freak wife when in fact I think I have a valid opinion. I think what bothers me most is that my husband enjoys having her around so much - not in an attraction way, but in a it's fun to have a 24 year old girl around when our lives are now so "adult" and serious. It's so cliche, but I feel like he's in mid-life crisis and she's a "fun" outlet. It makes me feel like sh!t.

I don't want to get rid of her b/c she's great w/ DS. But the whole situation has gotten kind of weird and I don't think my DH really understands so I wanted to see what others thought.

LatteLady5 · January 2013

I'm a SAHM so maybe I shouldn't bother commenting but I'm going to anyway.

It sounds like she's an awesome nanny so I wouldn't get rid of her. I would stop inviting her on outings if you're not paying her. If you want to take her on vacation to help with DS then do that and compensate her for it. I actually don't see an issue having her over for dinner occasionally but it sounds like it's happening too often.

Cutting back on non-working hang outs doesn't make you a neurotic control freak. You're uncomfortable, your H is willing to do what you want, so do it. If you feel like your H is looking for a fun outlet then plan some time for your two to get away and do something fun together.

morsey2011 · January 2013

LatteLady5:
I'm a SAHM so maybe I shouldn't bother commenting but I'm going to anyway.
It sounds like she's an awesome nanny so I wouldn't get rid of her. I would stop inviting her on outings if you're not paying her. If you want to take her on vacation to help with DS then do that and compensate her for it. I actually don't see an issue having her over for dinner occasionally but it sounds like it's happening too often.
Cutting back on non-working hang outs doesn't make you a neurotic control freak. You're uncomfortable, your H is willing to do what you want, so do it. If you feel like your H is looking for a fun outlet then plan some time for your two to get away and do something fun together.

Good advice. Get back to a more professional relationship.

Ariana2O11 · January 2013

I wouldn't have even directly talked with my husband about it. Instead, she would be quietly and subtly eliminated from all family functions not related to her job.

She might be a great nanny and a good person, but I'm sure there are older, less attractive nannies out there as well. I may get flamed for this, but whatever. I'd send that biach packing.

Elsa1984 · January 2013

I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed.

I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down?

I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Ms.Jade · January 2013

I think I may have some insight for since my situation is pretty similar while still being dramatically different. I also work 3 days a week and have a 20 something nanny for that time - she's my little sister. She's married and her husband is really successful so she doesn't have to hold a traditional job and is in the process of starting her own business.

The similarity is that we also have her over here all of the time whether she's watching E or not and it's tons of fun. My H and I have known each other since we were 12 so he's know my sis since she was in elementary school so I'm confident that he sees as as nothing more than a little sister, and we have a similar dynamic going on. We're older and more settled and she's tons of fun with her energy, and funny stories and different outlook on life so we love having her here. So I feel comfortable reassuring you that enjoying having a younger friend to hang around seems perfectly normal to me and does not mean your DH is having any inappropriate thoughts or feelings.

I hear what you're saying about how you feel. But it should be easy enough to invite her to fewer things. Just don't ask her to accompany you guys to the zoo or to dinner every time. Occasionally is fine, but less and less.

patchen30 · January 2013

Elsa1984:
I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed. I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down? I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Yes I totally trust my husband. She's never done anything "wrong" per se, but she's never been married and I don't think she understands the nuances of a marriage. Like when DH teases me for keeping a sleep log for DS, she shouldn't giggle along, etc. I don't think anyone means anything...it's just a weird position to be in.

patchen30 · January 2013

Ms.Jade:

I think I may have some insight for since my situation is pretty similar while still being dramatically different. I also work 3 days a week and have a 20 something nanny for that time - she's my little sister. She's married and her husband is really successful so she doesn't have to hold a traditional job and is in the process of starting her own business.

The similarity is that we also have her over here all of the time whether she's watching E or not and it's tons of fun. My H and I have known each other since we were 12 so he's know my sis since she was in elementary school so I'm confident that he sees as as nothing more than a little sister, and we have a similar dynamic going on. We're older and more settled and she's tons of fun with her energy, and funny stories and different outlook on life so we love having her here. So I feel comfortable reassuring you that enjoying having a younger friend to hang around seems perfectly normal to me and does not mean your DH is having any inappropriate thoughts or feelings.

I hear what you're saying about how you feel. But it should be easy enough to invite her to fewer things. Just don't ask her to accompany you guys to the zoo or to dinner every time. Occasionally is fine, but less and less.

That is interesting insight. I guess it does help to hear that it's "OK" to enjoy the energy and carefree attitude of a 20something kid since we're now in such a different phase in our lives. B/c like I said, I also like having her around. I guess my feelings get hurt b/c I expect my DH to have no interest in that part of life anymore and be 100% thrilled w/ his life now which is more provider than partier...but maybe this is natural and I'm being unrealistic.

kagl08 · January 2013

patchen30:
Elsa1984:
I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed. I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down? I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Yes I totally trust my husband. She's never done anything "wrong" per se, but she's never been married and I don't think she understands the nuances of a marriage. Like when DH teases me for keeping a sleep log for DS, she shouldn't giggle along, etc. I don't think anyone means anything...it's just a weird position to be in.

IMO your real issue isn't "her" it's how your DH chooses to interact with her. Joking about you to her in front if you is wrong IMO. He's belittling you to get a laugh out of her and that's just not ok. This isn't her fault IMO, your DH had to know the lines of what's ok and what's not ok to discuss or joke about. I think talking to your DH about that instead of "her" would be my next step.

vitan · January 2013

Definitely cut back the closeness and be more professional. Regardless, don't let the opportunity of the two to be alone. If you're neurotic, then some am I but that's okay. The cool thing is your DH is going along with whatever you decide and not thinking you're crazy. Sorry but my thoughts are cloudy with being cool about nannies...my brother's friend marriage ended because of a nanny. Not saying this will happen to you but best nip it in the bud.

patchen30 · January 2013

kagl08:
patchen30:

Elsa1984:
I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed. I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down? I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Yes I totally trust my husband. She's never done anything "wrong" per se, but she's never been married and I don't think she understands the nuances of a marriage. Like when DH teases me for keeping a sleep log for DS, she shouldn't giggle along, etc. I don't think anyone means anything...it's just a weird position to be in.

IMO your real issue isn't "her" it's how your DH chooses to interact with her. Joking about you to her in front if you is wrong IMO. He's belittling you to get a laugh out of her and that's just not ok. This isn't her fault IMO, your DH had to know the lines of what's ok and what's not ok to discuss or joke about. I think talking to your DH about that instead of "her" would be my next step.

Totally agree, we had that conversation a few weeks ago and to be fair he hasn't done it since.

RoxRing · January 2013

kagl08:
patchen30:
Elsa1984:
I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed. I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down? I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Yes I totally trust my husband. She's never done anything "wrong" per se, but she's never been married and I don't think she understands the nuances of a marriage. Like when DH teases me for keeping a sleep log for DS, she shouldn't giggle along, etc. I don't think anyone means anything...it's just a weird position to be in.
IMO your real issue isn't "her" it's how your DH chooses to interact with her. Joking about you to her in front if you is wrong IMO. He's belittling you to get a laugh out of her and that's just not ok. This isn't her fault IMO, your DH had to know the lines of what's ok and what's not ok to discuss or joke about. I think talking to your DH about that instead of "her" would be my next step.

I kind of agree with this. My DH's aunt is at our house every day with Edison even if my DH is there. Sometimes I feel like she shouldn't be "clued in" as much to things that should be just between DH and I or issues that I want to discuss with him about her. It's just something that you have to deal with when you have someone like that in your life. I agree with the others that it may be best to start not inviting her to some of your activities she doesn't need to be at.

kagl08 · January 2013

patchen30:
kagl08:
patchen30:

Elsa1984:
I was in a relationship like that with my employers for five years. The husband was good looking and we were all close in age. I never did anything inappropriate with him and didn't want to. He was like an older brother to me. When I got to work in the morning, she was already at work and he was still sleeping and then would get up and get ready for work...he was upstairs, I was downstairs...it was no big deal. Except people thought she was crazy for having her nanny alone in the house with her husband, especially when he was in bed. I am a firm believer that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it....whether it is with a nanny, secretary, or friend. We could have easily been doing stuff for those five years but we aren't the type of people who would do that. Do you trust your husband to be around her and know if she were to make a move, he would turn her down? I wouldn't get rid of her unless she is slacking in her job or there are signs that her and YH are getting uncomfortably close.

Yes I totally trust my husband. She's never done anything "wrong" per se, but she's never been married and I don't think she understands the nuances of a marriage. Like when DH teases me for keeping a sleep log for DS, she shouldn't giggle along, etc. I don't think anyone means anything...it's just a weird position to be in.

IMO your real issue isn't "her" it's how your DH chooses to interact with her. Joking about you to her in front if you is wrong IMO. He's belittling you to get a laugh out of her and that's just not ok. This isn't her fault IMO, your DH had to know the lines of what's ok and what's not ok to discuss or joke about. I think talking to your DH about that instead of "her" would be my next step.

Totally agree, we had that conversation a few weeks ago and to be fair he hasn't done it since.

Well, that's good! It sounds like your DH is willing to work with things and is overall a decent guy. I'd cut her out of some family events and form more of a professional relationship with her, like PPs suggested. Hope you figure something out!!

Elsa1984 · January 2013

Vitan:
Definitely cut back the closeness and be more professional. Regardless, don't let the opportunity of the two to be alone. If you're neurotic, then some am I but that's okay. The cool thing is your DH is going along with whatever you decide and not thinking you're crazy. Sorry but my thoughts are cloudy with being cool about nannies...my brother's friend marriage ended because of a nanny. Not saying this will happen to you but best nip it in the bud.

It didn't end "because of a nanny." It takes two.

It's annoying when people point the finger at one side of the party. It's easy for someone to point blame at the other party instead of accept the fact that their significant other couldn't say "no", walk away, discuss what happened with you, and deal with the issue together. Their marriage failed because the married person gave into temptation, meaning something was wrong with their marriage to begin with to make him or her not stop the temptation to begin with. Their marriage ended because he or she made the decision to be with the nanny.....both at fault. But frankly, I would point the finger more at the married person than I would the single person. Do you take your ring off before sleeping with someone other than your spouse?

pennysuedog · January 2013

Does your Dh have a younger brother or friend, I think you should hook her up with someone that can come along too.

vitan · January 2013

Elsa1984:
Vitan:
Definitely cut back the closeness and be more professional. Regardless, don't let the opportunity of the two to be alone. If you're neurGgotic, then some am I but that's okay. The cool thing is your DH is going along with whatever you decide and not thinking you're crazy. Sorry but my thoughts are cloudy with being cool about nannies...my brother's friend marriage ended because of a nanny. Not saying this will happen to you but best nip it in the bud.

It didn't end "because of a nanny." It takes two.

It's annoying when people point the finger at one side of the party. It's easy for someone to point blame at the other party instead of accept the fact that their significant other couldn't say "no", walk away, discuss what happened with you, and deal with the issue together. Their marriage failed because the married person gave into temptation, meaning something was wrong with their marriage to begin with to make him or her not stop the temptation to begin with. Their marriage ended because he or she made the decision to be with the nanny.....both at fault. But frankly, I would point the finger more at the married person than I would the single person. Do you take your ring off before sleeping with someone other than your spouse?

Well, I know that. Trust me this marriage was doomed but we weren't talking about failed marriages, this was about discomfort with a nanny. I was just saying that my thoughts are cloudy cuz it was the nanny relationship that broke the proverbial camel's back. It takes two, I'm on your side Elsa.

Ms.Jade · January 2013

patchen30:
Ms.Jade:

I think I may have some insight for since my situation is pretty similar while still being dramatically different. I also work 3 days a week and have a 20 something nanny for that time - she's my little sister. She's married and her husband is really successful so she doesn't have to hold a traditional job and is in the process of starting her own business.

The similarity is that we also have her over here all of the time whether she's watching E or not and it's tons of fun. My H and I have known each other since we were 12 so he's know my sis since she was in elementary school so I'm confident that he sees as as nothing more than a little sister, and we have a similar dynamic going on. We're older and more settled and she's tons of fun with her energy, and funny stories and different outlook on life so we love having her here. So I feel comfortable reassuring you that enjoying having a younger friend to hang around seems perfectly normal to me and does not mean your DH is having any inappropriate thoughts or feelings.

I hear what you're saying about how you feel. But it should be easy enough to invite her to fewer things. Just don't ask her to accompany you guys to the zoo or to dinner every time. Occasionally is fine, but less and less.

That is interesting insight. I guess it does help to hear that it's "OK" to enjoy the energy and carefree attitude of a 20something kid since we're now in such a different phase in our lives. B/c like I said, I also like having her around. I guess my feelings get hurt b/c I expect my DH to have no interest in that part of life anymore and be 100% thrilled w/ his life now which is more provider than partier...but maybe this is natural and I'm being unrealistic.

What's really funny is that my sister likes to hang out with us because we're less frivolous than some of her friends and she likes to get a glimpse of settled married life since she and her H are still in the bars and partying with their friends phase. And for the record the two of them tease me for being the stick in the mud too but she's my sister so I can let it slide more easily. She's been calling me an old lady since I turned 25. It's not that he doesn't like his life now, but it's sometimes fun to see a different side. Reading later posts it sounds like your H is on your side and the solution to this problem in 100% in your hands - keep things professional. You can choose to do this completely and never invite her along for fun things, or just cut back. It's all up to you. Good luck!

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