Please help me regain control (re: bedtime and middle of night wakeups)

monica92603 · January 2013

Holy crap has DD regressed. She slept through the night from around 3 months till just recently. She'd have the random middle of the night wake up but nothing like this.
She is still in her crib w/ her toddler bed next to the crib. We need to leave the crib up for DS so taking it down is not an option. She will not sleep in the bed. We've tried for over a month. Every night at bedtime, she goes down pretty easy but will cry a couple times before going to sleep. If we don't go get her and lay her back down, she will climb out of her crib and knock over the gate across her door crying the whole time and usually waking DS up. Then in the middle of the night, once she's awake, it's been damn near impossible to get her back to sleep. We go in like 4 times before we give in and take her to bed. Again, if we let her cry, she will break out of her room and wake DS.
I cannot deal w/ this sh!t 2 weeks before I'm supposed to go back to work. I feel we have no other options except to bring her into our room or else no one sleeps. We only have a 2 bedroom house and DS and I are like nomads either sleeping on the couch or in my bedroom in the PNP.
Please tell me what you have done that works. I never thought we'd have a sleep issue like this w/ her.

TiffanyBerry · January 2013

Thing is, you CAN'T control her sleep. She's another human, you have no way of FORCING her behavior. I'm not saying you can't change anything, but you may have to explore a wide range of options.

Do you know why she is crying/screaming? What does she want? Does she quiet down if she's in your room and go right to sleep? Is she wet/cold/hungry/scared? Would it work to put her crib (or a mattress on the floor) in your room so that she is not sleeping in your bed but can be in your room? Does she wake up your son if the gate doesn't come down, and if so, can you find a wall mounted gate? Can one of you stay in the room with her and the other with your son?

XCrissCrossX · January 2013

Has she regressed due to the new baby? Do you and DH take time to spend 1 on 1 with her? She's had a big adjustment so it's understandable that she's reacting.

Re-reading your OP, it looks like you didn't try to move her from the crib until after LO was born? Maybe she thinks you're kicking her out of her crib for DS? I don't know how to help but that may be the cause of her bed hatred.

If she can climb out of the crib, I wouldn't even put her in it- that would scare me. It'll suck, but maybe lay with her in her room until she falls asleep a few nights in the bed (maybe put the mattress on the floor).

Can you turn the doorknob around so you can lock the door from the outside and she can't get out in the middle of the night?

Like PP said, you may want to put her toddler mattress (or the whole bed) in your room if nothing else works. Or, if you're a nomad anyway, can you set up some blankets in the living room floor. When she wakes up, maybe she'll go back to sleep on the floor with you and DS.

ThatWasAHoot · January 2013

I agree with PP- make sure you are spending enough time with her during the day. Give her one on one attention while the baby is napping. I'd keep the baby in your room at night until this is all figured out. Call me a harda** but if it continued and she wasn't cold/hungry/soiled, I would make sure she can't leave her room at night. Unless she is potty trained and needs to get up to go. Otherwise, I would shut her door and tell her that it is bedtime. Maybe go in one time during the meltdown, put her in the crib, and tell her that mommy isn't coming back in until it is morning because it is time to sleep. Putting her into your bed continually will make a habit out of it.
GL

meganandchase · January 2013

Is DS sleeping through? is it possible that you put him in your bedroom until you can get this solved? When DS started waking up in the middle of the night, crying and coming to our room, we tried the technique from "Healthy Sleeping Habits, Happy Children." We just walked him back to his room, no talking, no eye contact. Put him in bed, covered him up and left. Repeat ad nauseum for the first few nights, then nothing since.

We had also allowed DS to take control, to the point of one of us sleeping in his room almost every night. It got to be ridiculous once DD was born.

I agree that if she can climb out of the crib, you have to keep her out of it. Also, if you can keep DS in your room, you may want to try double stacking gates or locking her in her room for a few nights.

jday1229 · January 2013

I open the gate once DS is asleep and if he wakes up while I'm still awake he is still half asleep and easy to put back down when he comes to find me. If I'm asleep he gets in bed with me and most of the time I don't even wake up (we bedshared for over 2 years so I have no problem with him spending the latter half of the night with me). It's the crying that causes the worst of the issues for us. If he gets worked up because he can't get out he's wide awake, but if feels like he can come out and find me his eyes are barely open when I tuck him back in.

islelily · January 2013

Our problem isn't nearly as severe with what you're dealing with, but here is what has worked for us.

DS was a great sleeper in his crib when we had a routine. It was horrible before we put in the routine (taking up to 2-3hrs to put him down) because he had control over the situation and didn't want to sleep.

We've since moved him into a twin bed in a new room. We have a pressure gate on his door frame which he cannot move (and his nickname is Bam Bam). Keeping the same routine from the crib did not work for him, so we are trying to find what will work.

For the first week DH was the only one would could put him down (he'd angry cry with me and try to hit me) and it was only when he'd lay in the twin bed with him until DS was asleep. SLOWLY we've been able to get him to put him down and sit next to his bed until he falls asleep. And it's happened twice recently that I've been able to put him down awake and leave and he stays in bed.

I agree with others that you need to find and stick to a routine, whether it be bringing DD back into her room and putting him down over and over until exhaustion keeps her there, or helping her settle with a routine of books, singing, rubbing her back, until she's secure in the order of things.

I also agree that I would not put her in the crib if she's been climbing out, regardless if she doesn't sleep in the toddler bed.

monica92603 · January 2013

Thanks everyone for the advice!

She will easily go back to sleep if she gets in our bed but I wanted to avoid that. In fact she will sleep so much later in the mornings but again, she needs to be in her own bed.
In the past few nights, she's actually been starting out in her toddler bed and then at some point will usually end up in her crib. DS has been sleeping through more nights than not (thank you 4 month wakeful period ) as long as she's not screaming her head off. I've thought of putting him in her crib and putting her in our room (not sure of where though, our bed? PNP? mattress on our floor)
I think my biggest issue is the control thing. Like PP said, I CAN'T control it. I just need to get over that things are not going to be rainbows and puppies at bed time every night and it's not the end of the world if she sleeps w/ us. It won't be forever!!!! And I should enjoy it while I can b/c I do love snuggling w/ that little girl!!! I don't see a 13 year old kid wanting to sleep w/ mommy and daddy.

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Please help me regain control (re: bedtime and middle of night wakeups)

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