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Late Term and Child Loss
Hi I'm Sara I'm new here(long and graphic)
hello. My name is Sara and I lost my daughter Grace Elizabeth at 41 weeks. My husband and I went to the triage 3x between Dec 21-26, I thought I was in labor, I had pain, etc. I was sent home each time after being monitored and told that I was indeed in early labor but it was too soon to be admitted. It's crazy too because she was breech for so long(at least 10 weeks) we actually had a c-section scheduled for Dec 18th but she flipped on her own. Anyhow I was due Dec 22nd and supposed to induce on Jan 2. So on the 28th I started bleeding, and they said to expect some bleeding, and not to come in unless I soaked more than 1 pad per hour. At this point I had not slept in 2 days because the contractions were so painful, and every time I had one I also peed and had diarrhea. Every contraction. I took an ambien and was able to sleep off and on for about 7 hours. When I got up the bleeding was still happening and I realized I hadn't felt her move in like a day, so we got our bags and went back to triage. They immediately did 2 ultrasounds and couldn't find her heartbeat 
I was in a lot of pain and planning for an epi anyway, they gave me a shot of morphine and admitted me to a birthing room. We started an epidural and an IV with pitocin. It sucked so bad because I had an empty stomach and they wouldn't let me eat much. About 24 long hours later I was finally dilated enough to start pushing. I was pretty numb from the epi so it started out okay, but it wore off at the worst time and I went from 0 to 25 on the pain scale. I got more meds and kept pushing but it seemed like we weren't getting anywhere. After like 3 hours the doctor said hey you are getting worn out, there are a few options we have to help you along. We can use forceps while you push, but you could tear and it could also tear the baby's skin. Or we could c-section and keep the baby intact, but you are at greater risk for infection because the baby is deceased. MH said we are absolutely not doing a c unless you have no other choice, I lost my daughter I can't lose my wife as well. So we did the forceps thing, MY GOD talk about pain! I was crying and swearing and begging them to kill me, as they were pumping me full of meds. It was the most traumatic experience of my life!! I thought I was gonna die from the pain! I still wasn't crowning so they said okay, we are gonna put you under, and try our best to get her out vaginally, but we may have to cut you open. My poor husband sat in the room with my blood everywhere for 2 hours, not knowing if I was dead or alive. Finally they came and said I was okay, I had a 3rd degree episiotomy, they had to cut all the way into my muscle. They asked him if he wanted to see the baby and he did. He got to hold her and she was still warm from my womb, but her face was like skinned in some places from the forceps. They also had to break her arm to get her out, her shoulders got stuck and she was big too, 9 lbs 6 oz and apparently I have a small pelvis. As they wheeled me in, still unconscious, he had them take her away because he didn't think I could handle seeing her. When I awoke they asked me if I wanted to, but I said no because I was afraid of what she looked like. I ate some food and tried to sleep. I must've drank a gallon of water that night.
The next morning after we ate breakfast I decided I did want to see her. I knew if I didn't I would regret it for the rest of my life. MH says she looked so much different from the night before, she was now bloated and like distorted, but her wounds looked better cause they were scabbed up. She had a ton of wounds on her face, and one of her eyes was pretty bruised. They were slightly open but I couldn't tell the color. And she was SO cold. It was so disturbing, but I am so glad I did it. Oh my angel was so beautiful!!! She looked alot like Jim, she had his nose and mouth. I held her hand and I told her I loved her and that I was sorry we lost her. My mil, fil, and sil came and spent time with her too. I couldn't hold her; I just had her next to me and held her hand. I didn't want to drop her or feel her broken arm. Everyone left to eat and I decided I had to say goodbye, if I didn't do it then I was never gonna do it. I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her.
I got to get out of bed, walk around and have a bath too. Then they moved us to a different floor, which sucked cause it was way different, and I didn't like the nurses there. We got released the next day, New Years Day, and it was great to go home.
So today we are picking up her ashes from the cremation place, and the pics the hospital had taken for us. On Sunday we are having a memorial at my in laws. I'm also waiting for the autopsy results. I am hoping for some answers as to why I had a pretty much perfect pregnancy just to lose my daughter days from having her. They are thinking the placenta detached, in which case there is nothing I or they could've done. They said 50% of the time there is no explanation as to why this happens.
Yesterday was a good day for me overall, I basically take things one day at a time. I woke up crying and have been feeling pretty sad today. Next week we are going to a support group. I am hoping someday it will hurt less. I know that I will never "get over" losing my child. Even if we had 10 more kids, they will never be her.
Well if you read this far, thank you. I am hoping that by writing this and reaching out it can help me heal.
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Re: Hi I'm Sara I'm new here(long and graphic)
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
*ticker warning*
I am so sorry for the loss of your Grace Elizabeth and for the traumatic experience you went through before and during her birth. My husband and I lost our first daughter, Patricia Kirsten, in March of last year. We all know that there is nothing anyone can say that will make the pain of losing your daughter less, but I hope that you can find some comfort and support among those of us who understand the journey you are on.
If you haven't yet, please check out our blog: https://thelossblog.blogspot.com/ and feel free to share it with your family and friends. Post as often or as little as you like. Whenever you need us, we are here for you.
I am so sorry to welcome you here Sara, and I am especially sorry for the passing of your sweet Grace Elizabeth. My DS was born sleeping after an otherwise healthy pregnancy, and he was born at 38 weeks in Feb 2011.
You are among friends and we are here for you. It is not an easy journey, but you won't travel it alone. You, Jim and your darling girl are in my T&Ps and I'm sending you so many (((hugs))).
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
thanks to you all. I forgot to add that any future children will be born via c section at 39 weeks so I never have to go through this again.
I'm so sorry you have to be here. I also lost my son at 41 weeks and we have no reason why he died. I hope whatever answer you get brings you peace.
It does somehow get easier, but you never forget.
((Hugs))
So sorry to have to welcome you here, Sara. Thank you for introducing yourself and Grace Elizabeth. I'm glad you got to see how beautiful your daughter was. My son was stillborn after a perfect pregnancy in July 2012. We did not do an autopsy, but other test results were inconclusive. You may find out what happened to Grace Elizabeth, but you should also be prepared for the possibility that her death was unexplained.
You've found a great group of supportive ladies here-please feel free to share/participate as much or as little as feels right for you.
yep I know I may never get an answer. MH really hated the idea of Grace's body being cut into but he understood it was something I needed to do so he agreed. I am sure it is a normal reaction to blame yourself, did alot of you do that? or at least wonder if you did something wrong?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Grace Elizabeth. It breaks my heart that you're joining us here, but welcome.
It is completely normal to blame yourself. I still wonder if we'd have Eliott here with us if I'd insisted on monitoring when I felt "off." You did nothing wrong, even though it may be hard to get yourself to believe that.
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
Ticker...
Sara, I am so sorry for the loss of Grace. I lost my first daughter to undiagnosed Down syndrome and birthing complications. The pain never goes away, but it does get better. This is a long road; take the time to be gentle with yourself, and I encourage you to grieve in a healthy way with therapy and books. Talking with people who remind you you're not alone really helped me. I also recommend reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, and Grieving the Child I Never Knew. If you want to give me your address, I'd even mail them to you. Thinking of you.
Yes, absolutely. A lot of us have struggled with guilt and blaming ourselves. I think that's just part of being a mommy; we take full responsibility for the wellbeing of our children, even when what happens to them is out of our control. This has been the hardest emotion for me to deal with since I lost my son. No matter what the cause of your baby's death (if a cause is even identified), it's hard to convince yourself that you could not have prevented it.
(HUGS)
I lost my son, Devon, at 34 weeks back in August. The days have gotten better, but a part of me will always blame myself. My doctors said I did the right things, that there wasn't a way to predict an abruption...but I will probably always wonder what signs I missed that something was wrong, if I could've done more. It will get better, but it won't ever leave you.
Please be gentle with yourself and lean on us when you need to. This group of women have been such a huge help as I've grieved, and I hope we can be the same for you.
Sara,
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your Grace Elizabeth. My daughter is also Grace Elizabeth and she grew her angel wings in early September. Please know that you aren't alone and we are always here for you when you want to listen in, vent, etc. It's a very long road and you don't have to walk it alone. While it always saddens me to welcome other moms to this board, please know that you have come to a very supportive and comforting place with amazing women who really understand. Be gentle with yourself. You will be in my thoughts, prayers and heart.
We also consented to an autopsy. DH and I didn't want to read the full report (too graphic and I didn't want to imagine it) so my dad read it and gave us the result, which was that no cause could be determined. Our baby girl was perfect, and everything was great with me, her cord and her placenta. It is difficult not having an answer, and a part of me was hoping to see a clear answer when she was born, like a cord accident. Ultimately, I find peace in the fact that if no one can figure out what happened to her after she died, then there was NO WAY I or anyone else could have prevented her death. This helps me keep from blaming myself.
I would love that, I don't know how to PM you!
I just want to say thank you all so much, you have made me feel very welcome here. It is so great to know I'm not alone and I can reach out to you ladies who have gone through the same exact thing.
Sara,
I hate that your here, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. What a horrible experience you went through. I lost my baby Hunter 8 weeks ago today. It was a cord accident. I had a healthy pregnancy, it was totally unexpected. He was born at 40 weeks 3 days. Those first two weeks were so painful, the sadness was suffocating. It has gotten better but I am still sad a lot. I went back to work this week and I do feel less consumed by my grief. I am swing a therapist and that helps me a lot. Hang in there and do what you can. I'm so sorry for your loss. Next time I will have a c section at 38 weeks too, to relieve stress and anxiety.
Due with baby boy # 2 in May 2016
DD #1 born January 2014
thanks