Known donor v. Anonymous- Advice?
Hi friends! Happy new year!
My wife and I are going to TTC in a few months and were pretty positive that we were going to use a sperm bank. We were only going to use a donor that was willing to be known when the baby turns 18, if the kid wanted to know who the donor was. We didn't want it to be a question in their life. Anyway, we have a very good friend that my wife works with at the fire department (he is like the male version of her) and he just announced that he and his wife are finally pregnant. Jokingly, my wife told him that I was envious because we were going to ask him to be our baby daddy....they laughed and that was it.
A week or so later, we received an e-mail from him telling us that he and his wife are on board for anything that we need, whether it is advice on a doctor or using him as a donor. We were honored and shocked! Now, however, we are contemplating whether or not we would want to do this. I am a lawyer and we are in Michigan with no second parent adoption. The legalities are scary, but the donations would be free, from someone we love and we would have the possibility of having him in the child's life as a godparent or something...
Any tips? Advice from anyone who used a known donor?
Thanks!!
Re: Known donor v. Anonymous- Advice?
I think this is SUCH a personal decision and every single family has so many moving parts in their lives that it'd be impossible to give 'advice' that would resonate. I can, however, share experiences. My wife and I went with a bank for several reasons;
1. we are terrified of having any legal issues down the road
2. we were psycho over making sure the medical history and genetic testing was clear and clean
3. we wanted to make sure the sperm wasn't low count because the donor is having sex with their regular partner. ( your donor would have to abstain during your fertility window and save himself for you guys)
We have great friends who went with a known donor and are now having a LOT of trouble with him wanting to call the child his own and blocking their second parent adoption ( even though he signed all the papers in advance and swore he wouldn't be in the child's life). We felt like, for us, this risk was too high. I know there are many wonderful stories of this working out great and I'm genuinely happy for those people. DW and I just couldn't take the risk emotionally.
me:33 my wife:32 married in June '12
LONG road through IF ending in heartbreak and frustration.
I think this is truly one of the most personal questions regarding ttc.
We started out trying for a year with a KD. We are now very thankful it didn't work. A couple of years ago the state of Texas had a case go to court where the KD (not at all involved in the child's life) decided he wanted to be a parent (the child was 6) and sued for joint custody. The kicker is he won even after the couple provided contracts of intent etc! The only saving grace for the lesbian couple was he was ordered to pay 6 years worth of back child support. He decided to waive his rights at that time and walk away. That case scared the sh!t out of M and myself so it totally changed our mind.
We ended up using a sperm bank for this round of ttc. We did not go with ID option as they did not have one matching our criteria. We also have enough amazing male role models in our life that we didn't feel our child(ren) would be lacking. For us the peace of mind that this would be our child and no one could show up one day expecting to parents our child was too big for us to justify saving the money on the KD.
Plus in the state of Texas in order for M to complete the second parent adoption our KD would have had to waive their rights first. I had nightmares that we would go to complete the termination of parental rights and the KD would "change their mind" and we would be stuck in nasty court battles in a conservative state where we most likely wouldn't win.
Again I think it is a very personal decision and I will admit I am slightly jealous of people who successfully use a KD. Especially in situations where the KD is active in the child's life. I just know for us because of where we live it was not the route for us to go.
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
I totally agree that it is one of those personal decisions that only you and your DP can make.
We used an anonymous donor through a bank because we didn't have someone we felt we "had" to use, the legalities made us nervous, and I didn't want someone thinking "that is partially my child and I wouldn't parent that way..."
I do wish we had chosen a donor with ID release vs making the choice for the kids, but it wasn't an option umpteen years ago when we were TTC with the bank we wanted to use.
As other posters said, this is definitely a personal decision and what is right for one family definitely wouldn't be right for another.
For us, we chose to use a known donor, a long time friend. Some of the reasons it was right for us were that we wanted our son to know exactly where he came from and this would allow that to be true, that we attended a panel discussion of couples who used known and unknown donors and those with unknown had some regrets that resonated with us, and that we had someone very special in our life that we felt we could take this journey with.
I would definitely say it is a long-time conversation with your potential donor--ask questions like:
How many months are you willing to try for?
Are you willing to sign a legal contract (that you and your partner would pay for, of course)
Are you willing to get tested for sperm count, for STDs and any other tests you and your partner want?
What type of relationship would you want with the child? Be specific with this question--it comes up a lot.
What are your reservations? What are your wife's reservations?
Would you consideration doing this again (if you and your partner know you want more than one child?)
How would you feel seeing your friend every day at work?
I am in MN where there is second parent adoption, so I can't speak to the legalities of your state. Oh, and another one of the potential benefits is having fresh sperm.
My biggest advice would be that if you consider this, it needs to be someone you can be 100% truthful and clear with and that you can trust will come to you if they are not happy with the situation you are in at any point. If you can, then it can be a wonderful relationship. It is very special for all three of us when our donor visits with our son.
Good luck with your decision--whatever you do, will be best for you!
I agree that this is personal and I know of families who have made various choices and been very happy, and a few who have had challenges.
We chose to use a WTBK donor from a bank, because that was what my partner was most comfortable with and because we wanted our donor to be a very specific ethnic mix within my partner's race and without using her brother this would have been very hard (but amazingly we found a donor at a bank that matched closer than we could have imagined and was WTBK). We did home inseminations and with the recent case in Kansas, we're glad that using a bank automatically makes the legalities very clear.
Best of luck on your decision-making process!
Someone should correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought this was true in every state?
I thought for a long time before TTC that I would like to use a known donor. In the end, we never did for the following reasons:
1. No good candidates. The male friends we have whom we know well enough to ask this kind of favor all seem to have some kind of significant family health issue we really didn't want to saddle kids with -- a degenerative eye disease, severe mental health problems, etc. The lack of candidates kind of rendered the rest of these points moot, but because of the other reasons we didn't try that hard to identify a good candidate.
2. Legal issues. We live in MA, where we have good legal protection, a legal marriage and the option of second parent adoption, but I think a KD could still claim parental rights before the adoption goes through. As far as I know, consent agreements between the KD and parents can help but are not technically legally binding.
3. My wife felt a little threatened by the idea of a KD because he would be potentially in the picture and would have a biological bond to the child(ren) that she wouldn't have.
Another point I didn't consider prior to TTC but that I think about now is how difficult it might be to use a KD if it takes you a long time to get pregnant. People do it, but to me there is a big difference between asking a friend to donate sperm a few times and dragging him along with you for 18 months plus of fertility treatments. Many REs won't work with a KD, regardless of what the laws/regulations say.
Good luck! It sounds like a potentially great opportunity.
ETA: We are using, and have always used, an ID-release donor from a cryobank.
9 IUIs = 9 BFNs
IVF October 2012: 22 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 frozen
ET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Blighted ovum discovered at 7w5d; D&E
FET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Missed m/c discovered at 9w5d; D&E
Karyotyping: normal ~ RPL Testing: normal ~ Hysteroscopy: normal
FET #2: 1 blast transferred 10/25; BFP 10/31!
EDD 7/13/14 ~ Induced at 37w4d due to pre-eclampsia ~ Born on 6/28/14
*Everyone welcome*
My wife and I have been talking about TTC for over two years now and just started last month. We went back and forth and finally decided to use a KD. We have a legal agreement signed by myself, my wife, the KD and his wife. We wanted all bases covered. We are not pregnant yet, so we haven't had any problems but we feel great about it so far. He is available when we need him to be and all boundaries have been set ahead of time.
My only advice is to talk about it, when you think you have talked about it too much, talk about it some more. Make sure all parties need to be honest and open with one another.
We used a KD with a legal contract in place.
I think if you are comfortable with the person and trust them, then it may be a good avenue for you. However I agree with everyone else that it is a very personal decision. You of course need to do your pros and cons list. It doesnt work for everyone. For us we had spent almost half a year and a LOT of money using doctors and the sperm banks etc. & almost wiped out our savings. Our KD was our saving grace.
None of the "pros" of using a known donor really resonated with me. On the other hand, the "cons" of potential legal and emotional entanglements were very weighty. I did a lot of research on the legal issues while in law school (unrelated to our own future TTC efforts), and when it came time to make our decision it was an easy one.
I'm glad it's available for people who want to go down that road, but it's not for us. We did use an "identity release" donor so the kids can find him when they turn 18 if they wish.
It probably is but I have honestly only worked with lawyers regarding Texas. I just know in Texas if someone challenges paternity its a whole mess and we basically have to go to court to complete TPR and if they aren't willing to TPR upon our request it becomes a nightmare in a highly conservative state. Too much of a risk for us.
You are also correct that "legal" contracts regarding KD and couple in reference to any child conceived are not technically legally binding. They can only be used to show intent and help you in a court case to show the KD had no intention of parenting. This alone scared us enough to say forget the KD route.
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
It was important for us to go with a reputable sperm bank that did all the genetic testing and background checks. Last year we saw a 60 minutes special about Donorsexuals, prople who get off on giving their sperm away via internet hookups and drop offs to women to spread their seed or something. It freaked us out. We really liked our donor's interview and his reasoning for why he chose to be a donor and release his identity. Plus our bank limits the offspring from each donor to 10.
All that being said, my wife and I are both totally daddy's girls. She is in the process of losing her dad and we both say we dont know what life would be like without our fathers. It's just a different dynamic. I also dont know what it is like to have two awesome and loving moms. I hope our kids will
have positive male figures in their lives but I don't think it has to be through biological ties.
TTC with RE since March 2012
3 missed O's, 6 IUIs = 1 BFP then 8 w M/C, 5 BFNs
(2 unmedicated IUIs, 2 clomid IUI, 2 femara IUI)
Shared maternity/partner IVF, transfer #1 BFP!
EDD 11/28/13
Just to put it out there, but most banks limit to 10 families/recipients, of which there can be multiple children within/to each. For example, if someone buys a bunch of vials, has one baby and the donor reaches the limit (of reported, some families don't even report), the bank can't prohibit use of the vials that have been purchased already.
This is huge! Most doctors will not report it so the recipient has to. Also if they donate across several different banks/states it can affect this number as well as it is harder to track pregnancies and keep track of the donor.
We chose a donor with no reported pregnancies but when I asked about that, the bank said they only have records of pregnancies that are reported to them by the recipient and not everyone reports their pregnancies. They did tell me this is one reason they limit the number to 10 in hope to account partially for the unreported pregnancies.
Our bank will still allow a donor to be purchased after the 10 is reached but only by those that have already purchased and reported a pregnancy through that donor. They will reserve the remaining vials for siblings.
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
i feel very similar as Kezzzke
and we have several friends who used a known donor and well he and his family in some cases have stepped up and decided that he/they want to be involved. scary stuff.
our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/