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How to handle?

fellesferiefellesferie member
in Blended Families

Two things came up in DS's recent trip down to FL w/ XH and xILs.

1) I don't know the context of the conversation as I did not witness it, but DS has come home saying that XH is going to move to TN (where we live). XH mentioned to me a couple years ago that he was thinking about it, but I didn't take it too seriously.

DS claims that XH said he would move here if he could find a job, and further said he's looked but can't find any computer jobs (total BS). XH also asked DS to look around for him to see if he can find anything. 

However it went, DS is ecstatic because he believes XH is going to move here. I cautioned DS to not get his hopes up too high because finding a job can be hard. DS completely ignored that.

When I first heard, I was furious at XH for telling DS like this. I've mellowed a bit as I realized XH does not get to spend much time with DS or other kids and doesn't realize how selective their hearing/understanding is.

When XH moved to CA, he chose his gf over DS. I find it... unlikely.. that he would do a 180 at this point. 

I want to say something to XH. Should I?

2) About the girlfriend... this girl is why he ended our marriage. Our marriage had problems for sure, but she is why he would not try counseling and why he wanted out ASAP.

She and I were acquaintances? I guess? I only knew her online. So when I found out, I sent her an email telling her to never speak to me again.

At the time, I never expected that they would stay together, XH would move to CA to be with her, and that she would end up having a role in my child's life.

There have been about 3 occasions now when she's traveled here with him, but she does not come to kiddo exchanges. On Monday, I picked up DS when XH and his gf were on their way to the airport. XH dropped her off at a Target or a Walmart or something so she wouldn't have to see me.

XH has never admitted (even one time) that a) they had an affair, b) she's his girlfriend, c) they live together, or d) she has spent time with my child. But DS is old enough to tell me things and xMIL posts pictures of everyone all over FB.  

I'd like to extend some sort of olive-y type branch and just ask if we can be adults about everything. I don't have any way to contact her so it would have to be through XH. I don't want to be friends, but I think that this hiding thing is absurd. Should I do something or should I just leave it alone?

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Re: How to handle?

  • socloudy99socloudy99 member

    I think you should say something to him about both.

    1. DS seems to believe you are moving to TN but he was not clear.

    Are you planning on moving back?

    Oh I can see how he got confused. Since this makes him so excited at just the thought could you wait to discuss this with him till you have a job lined up?

    2. I know in the past I requested no contact with gf. I was very hurt by the end of our marriage and I needed that at the time. Now that you have been together, she spends time with my child, and may live closer I no longer feel this way. I am not interested in being friends but it would be fine for her to attend drop off/pick ups so we can have a civil relationship since she does spend time with our child.

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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    Thanks!

    With regards to the move, your idea is exactly what I was thinking! I like the idea of letting him tell me what's going on rather than making an accusation. 

    We will just also need to figure out how best to handle things with DS. =/ I'm not sure whether to talk with him myself, ask XH to speak with him, or just try to wait it out.  

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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member
    If It is something that DS is excited about or anticipating then I would ask for clarification. That gives you the info you need to best support DS. Unfortunately it may involve teaching him how best to deal with disappointment.

    As for the GF I would leave it alone. You are happy in how your life has turned out and can hold your head high. If she cannot and instead chooses to hide then it is not your 'job' to help her heal. After all you did nothing to her!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imagesocloudy99:
    I think you should say something to him about both.
    1. DS seems to believe you are moving to TN but he was not clear.
    Are you planning on moving back?
    Oh I can see how he got confused. Since this makes him so excited at just the thought could you wait to discuss this with him till you have a job lined up?
    2. I know in the past I requested no contact with gf. I was very hurt by the end of our marriage and I needed that at the time. Now that you have been together, she spends time with my child, and may live closer I no longer feel this way. I am not interested in being friends but it would be fine for her to attend drop off/pick ups so we can have a civil relationship since she does spend time with our child.


    This exactly
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    I agree with Phantom on the GF thing. I've been in your shoes there. DD's SM hid from me for about 6 years (was only the GF 1 of those years) and just finally in the past 2 has started coming around. I remember the first time she called DH answered the phone and was in shock. Now she calls or texts to coordinate drop offs sometimes and emails me DD's EOBs. I don't know what her problem was before but I honestly don't care. She has always been good to DD and that's all that mattered to me. She finally got over her need to hide and I think that was something she just needed to work through herself and I think part of that was that she didn't have any kids of her own, now she has a DD, but of course I will never know for sure.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • Julianna207Julianna207
    Maybe I can help. I am the SM in this scenario though. My situation is a little different because I met DH about 7 months after they split. Anyway, BM has always expressed her ill feelings towards me and for the first year of my relationship with DH, tried to split us up. She has went off on me several times over email/the phone and said many hurtful things. Because of this, I thought it best for everyone involved most importantly SD that I not attend pick ups or drop offs. I made no effort to be around her and she viewed that as hiding. I just wanted to remove myself from hostility though and to this day am still waiting for her to calm down. I did offer once to meet and get coffee, she agreed, then two days later went ballistic so that didn't happen. Maybe in your case, the GF is trying to prevent conflict. If you think that's a possibility, I definitely recommend reaching out to her. If my BM did that to me, I would jump at the chance to have a civil relationship. If you do reach out, maybe mention that you'd like to start the new year fresh. Good luck!!
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    imageJulianna207:
    Maybe I can help. I am the SM in this scenario though. My situation is a little different because I met DH about 7 months after they split. Anyway, BM has always expressed her ill feelings towards me and for the first year of my relationship with DH, tried to split us up. She has went off on me several times over email/the phone and said many hurtful things. Because of this, I thought it best for everyone involved most importantly SD that I not attend pick ups or drop offs. I made no effort to be around her and she viewed that as hiding. I just wanted to remove myself from hostility though and to this day am still waiting for her to calm down. I did offer once to meet and get coffee, she agreed, then two days later went ballistic so that didn't happen. Maybe in your case, the GF is trying to prevent conflict. If you think that's a possibility, I definitely recommend reaching out to her. If my BM did that to me, I would jump at the chance to have a civil relationship. If you do reach out, maybe mention that you'd like to start the new year fresh. Good luck!!

    I get what you're saying. Thanks =)

    I'm frankly unsure how to interpret her silence/avoidance. On one hand, I think maybe she's just trying to respect what I said to her a long time ago. But on the other, I worry that she thinks I'm going to go apesh!t if she shows up somewhere.

    I am the most nonconfrontational person in the world, and hell would freeze over before I would ever make a scene--especially in front of my kids. XH knows this about me. 

    I'm happy to hear that even with the difficulties you've faced, you would still want to make an effort with the BM in your situation. 

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
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