Horribly long vent

mel8255 · January 2013

My husband and I got married in September. The June prior he decided he wanted to start "trying." I have two kids from a previous marriage, and frankly I seriously thought we could wait the three months until the honeymoon, but he was really so damn cute about it. Turns out not much trying was needed and the first time is the charm - voila, baby is due in March.

There was certainly unwanted stress that came with finalizing a wedding while being in the first trimester...from puking to nausea, I had every symptom. And I really wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret until after the wedding. Layer on top of this, my MIL fought me on everything...we paid for the wedding and it was over $100 a person. She HAD to have the people she works with, friends she knows at a restaurant she frequents, and distant cousins all invited to the wedding. What could have been normal family and OUR closest friends turned into a $40K affair...and my husband and I were building our new house on top of that and we were closing the week we got back from the honeymoon.

To say that this woman is a horrible human being cannot merely be grasped in an internet forum post, but I will cite a few examples to give you an idea..

1) For her anniversary, FIL and MIL invited us to dinner with BIL...when bill came, MIL told us we were paying for it. It was one of those Japanese steakhouse places....not cheap.

2) If she is short on cash, she will invite my kids out for the day, and expect us to give her spending money. (I have since learned my lesson here, but what self-proclaimed "grandma" takes her "grandkids" (step or otherwise), out for the day and wants the cash to do it.

3) If I host a holiday dinner, she will tell me that she doesnt want to PUT UP with my holiday traditions - that I am just hosting for HER, and we will do things her way...complete with grocery list.

4) Two weeks before the wedding, she admits to my husband that she had borrowed money from one of those early paycheck places that has about a 700% interest rate, and she wants him to pay it off..."sure crazy lady - we will gladly pay off your debts prior to our wedding, honeymoon, new house, and baby on the way....and foot the bill for the extra 50 people you invited to the damn wedding."

5) There is something wrong with everyone in my family...and she feels inclined to let anyone know how she feels about them...basically just a rude "C u next Tuesday."

So I may have also mentioned that we needed to have two separate wedding showers....one with my family that had 20 women....and one that she hosted, that had people who weren't even invited to the wedding. And she even asked my friends, (not bridesmaids) to bring a dish to pass. The invitations were home-made and had a picture of my husband and me, a picture taken when I was 20 pounds heavier. It was pretty humiliating. Oh and we didn't get a wedding present because she had to pay for the shower...we did get an IOU in a hand-made card though.

As soon as we got back from the honeymoon, my MIL started coming at me with baby shower ideas. The only thing I kept thinking was that this woman wants to "show off" and I am not built this way. I do not need every Tom, *** and Harry invited to a flippin baby shower, when we just had two wedding showers, and a wedding...so I told her that the shower would be at our house with our families and H's and my closest friends....she demanded that everyone from the wedding be invited to the baby shower and I was adamant about my NO reply because I was not about to have another large affair. I used the excuse that more and more moms are having their showers in the comfort of their own home, and I felt by doing this I could control the size...and in the end, if I ended up paying her portion, at least it wasn't going to be $1000s of dollars this time. My husband's only request through all this is that we only have one shower this time instead of two.

Turns out MIL was never going to pay for any of it, but that she expected her name be shared with my mom's name on the invitation, under Hostess. Great - so I am paying for half a shower I don't really want to have, but she insists I do.

Fast forward to this past Sunday where I invited her to meet with my mom and me at Chilis to "plan." - Being that my MIL despises my mother, I felt that me being there was like me being the mediator. She brings out her freaking list of mandatory invitees. It has her childhood friends, neighbors she had in a house she lived in decades ago, her damn waitress at her favorite restaurant. I am not lying. I politely said NO...mainly because now the B isn't paying for a thing, it's at my damn house and my mom is dumb-founded. The MIL throws a fit in the middle of the restaurant, starts screaming and yelling at me about how this isn't just my daughter, but her grand-daughter, and she deserves to have all these people there. At the point of screaming, she yells that if she doesn't get her way, she'll host her own and that I better damn be there. That was the ONE thing my husband asked for - only one shower....I tried explaining that to her when she gets up and storms out....I followed her outside and asked why she always has to have her way, and asked why she can't allow my husband and I to do what we want for once (especially when we would be paying her half)...she drove away....proceeds to call my husband and tell him that my mom yelled at her and she has never been so disrepected in her life. WTF? Are you Fin kidding me????

I start contracting....because of course that would happen...I'm in my 30s - can't even tell you the last time someone got my heart racing like that....maybe highschool??? Not like Braxton Hicks either....like I need to sit down, take a shower, seriously calm down contractions....They lasted until this morning.

I finally make it home for the story to be completely distorted in my husband's eyes - there is no undoing the horrible lies my MIL told him about my family.

And I am heart-broken...completely heart-broken. My husband and I are not in need of things...if it were truly up to us, we wouldn't have a damn shower and would host a sip and see once the baby got here. But the families are insistent on celebrating the new baby...all i wanted was something small, and my husband only wanted one. After seriously three days of horribly rude, and belligerent phone calls and text messages from the B, we are having two showers and one has almost 80 people going to be invited to it.

Last night I had a full-on mental breakdown....uncontrollable sobbing...like the nasty cry kind. I tried explaining to my husband that more than anything, I should be excited to have this baby...But after conceiving surprising early and needing to adjust accordingly, and feeling like all my MIL will ever do is argue to get her way, this baby is a symbol of how I have no control over anything anymore. I admire SAHMs and wish I was built that way. I am too career-focused and am the mom that sends in store bought cookies. I feel guilty enough with my older two kids that I am the way I am, and now I am going to have a kid that will be a constant reminder of how much I hate my MIL. I am becoming more and more detached from this baby.

I am feeling horribly guilty about this, and even more irrational than anyone could comprehend.

I am not looking for advice, because I am sure there are others out there who have it worse, and need the counsel more than me...I recognize I need to suck it up...and I will get to a point where I will.

Have you ever just wanted a hug...one that doesn't include a opinions or suggestions, but just a hug where the words are unspoken...that's where I am right now....

God I hate this woman.

AgentLDub · January 2013

No offense but there's no point in fuming and complaining if you're not going to out your foot down once and for all with her. Plus, you're husband should really be the one to put his mother in her place. My husband and I got married in June we're due in March and we paid for everything too. Because of this I explicitly said that no one else was allowed to have an opinion on how the wedding went down, who was invited, etc. if they wanted to complain then they could pay needless to say no one said a word! Furthermore I would not foot a grown woman's bills the more you do the more she knows she can get away with it. She may hate you for awhile after you lay down the rules but at least you can then have piece of mind knowing its your way or the high way. If she wants to be involved with you and the family them she'll come around if not well then good riddance! It's her loss and you have too much on your plate than to deal with a conniving, rude, sanctimonious witch! Just my thoughts ; Good luck!!!

ninambutler · January 2013

Wow! That's all I can say. It's too bad you're pregnant because this calls for a large glass or bottle of wine and a good cry with some girlfriends. This is one of those situations that no matter what you do, there's going to be trouble, and there's no "fixing" it. Just take a deep breath, try to ride it out, and know that the end game is a beautiful baby. Even if the baby has become a symbol of negativity, once it is here, I am positive you will love them and this will all seem irrelevant. hugs

markhamgurl · January 2013

Wow. Just ... wow. She sounds like a nightmare, and your DH would have to be a Grade A moron to not have already realized this. He did grow up knowing her, after all. You may not be giving him enough credit, here.

I know you're not looking for advice, but this woman needs to start hearing the word "no" more often... from YOU. You (and DH) really need to stop letting her get her own way all the time... regardless of how loud she shrieks or the fuss she makes. At some point in her miserable life, she has learned that she gets exactly what she wants when she behaves like a 3 year old child. Sad.

Also, she is obviously bat&%# crazy and is not worth your tears. I wish you all the best in dealing with her!

emisi · January 2013

Wow, your MIL sounds a little psycho. You need to put your foot down - or better yet, your husband should put his foot down, or this is just the start of the ways she's going to run your lives. If it were me, I'd be tempted to just not show up at the second shower. Not like they'll really miss you, since the only one there you'll know is your MIL! She just wants to be the center of attention again.

dawnj08 · January 2013

**hugs**

rm2013 · January 2013

Wow... please don't let this crazy woman affect how you feel about your baby! There is nothing wrong with you in this situation. What you need to do though is like PP said put your foot down big time - with your DH and MIL. Make it crystal clear that there will only be one shower, it will have the guests you want, and that's that. Tell her that if she throws her own shower you won't attend. May sound harsh but guess what - based on what you've described I wouldn't be surprised if she throws a ridiculously large shower and then hands you the bill!!! If you don't make a stand now you'll be dealing with more sh!t later. And make sure your DH understands that the version she's told him isnt the truth.

steph620 · January 2013

I'm so sorry, I don't know what I would do if I had a MIL like that. All I can say is what others have already said. If you don't say "no" more often, this will keep happening. You could have stood your ground with the shower, and yet now you are back to paying for it all yourself and having two showers. That gave her power and now she thinks she can walk all over you with the next thing she will throw a fit about. It's awkward and I am sure you don't want extra drama so it's easier to just say "ok", but she will never get the clue if you don't take control of your own life.

ahcantrell90 · January 2013

Sounds like my MIL. We had to completely cut contact with my DH's parents due to a lot of stuff. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I have to agree with a pp. You need to stand up to her now and set boundaries or this is how the rest of your life will be. And trust me, she will cause problems and that will spread to your marriage. I've been there and because of my soon to be MIL, the wedding was called off twice. You have to think about you and your family, and all of this stress is not good for you or your LO. I suggest talking to your DH. Something needs to be done. And that's coming from dealing with a woman that could seriously be satan.

CinPitt · January 2013

I can't say I know how it feels bc I don't, but you have to put your foot down. If you don't do it now what will she do when the baby is born, she'll think she can do whatever she wants bc she's the grandma. It's ganna be hard but just put your foot down and let your DH know the truth all of it and make home talk to her. He has to be by your side, how can he just sit back n pay for stuff she wants. She's not a kid and you wouldn't let your kids act like that n he wouldn't so it's time for him to step up. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crazy B.

lifewrite · January 2013

**HUGS**

You do NOT need to suck it up. What this woman is doing to you is awful. Like PP said you need to stand your ground and have no mean no. Every relationship needs boundaries. Google "Setting boundaries in relationships". It is perfectly okay and HEALTHY to say no. I also agree with pp that I would not turn up to her second shower. Tell her that she can throw it if she wants but you wont be there. Honestly, the best and only way to deal with someone like this is to cut them off. I can only imagine what types of guilt trips and opinions she's going to give after the baby comes.

VPGIRL06 · January 2013

Makes my silly MIL problems seem like no big deal...i'm so sorry you're going through that with her...especially during a time that should be exciting and special for you.

tigerlynx31413 · January 2013

I have no new advise than what PP have said, but wanted to send **HUGS** your way. This is awful what she is doing to you, especially at such an emotional stage of pregnancy already!

Considering her habit of doing things and then expecting you and DH to pay for them I would let her throw her little shower, and just not show, don't even tell her ahead of time! That would be good revenge considering her ATM is not there to pay the bill at the end. At that point you and DH will need to have a very heavy conversation with her (as I am sure she will flip **** for your not showing) and remind her you only wanted one shower with only people you wanted originally and that's what you did!

I hope things get better for you!

bonjourchic · January 2013

That.sucks!!!! What a b. I wouldn't be able to tolerate that at all. I can hardly believe that you've been able to. I'd probably record our conversations to show my husband just to prove a point and tell her go ahead and throw a party but I won't be there. What can she do? This isn't your fault. She needs to calm the f down and deal with her issues on her own. This isn't your problem right now. Focus on your new family. Don't let her ruin it for you... She doesn't deserve it!!! Don't give her the satisfaction seriously. Take her power away and ignore her.

candreco · January 2013

Where the h*ll is your H in all of this? He needs to tell his mom to back off. Both of you need to tell her no, and not bother trying to reason with her or discuss anything. Just no.

Jezebell26 · January 2013

Oh dear that was a lot to take in. I am so sorry you are in this position and I send you all the hugs you need! I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your baby and hopefully the shower drama will get left behind. GL

mrsmcdonald · January 2013

The situation with your MIL is not going to change unless you and DH start setting limits with her and flat out tell her no. Sure, she'll have a fit, but you need to stand up to this woman. How will it be after you have LO? She's learned that is she has a temper tantrum with you, she gets what she wants, so of course that's what she's going to do. She's not going to change, but if you want the situation to change, you need to change your response to her. If you didn't want her to invite friends to your wedding, you should have firmly said no. Don't bail her out if she needs money, stop letting her take your kids out for the day if she's expecting to get paid to babysit, explain to her that at the holidays, you will be incorporating your own traditions - if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come over. If you don't want to have a shower, don't have one - especially if you're the one paying for it. It kind of defeats the purpose, when you could just spend that money on the stuff you need for your LO. You're allowing this woman to call all of the shots and control the situation.

I wouldn't just not show up for the shower she is planning - that would be rude to the guests that are coming. I would think about calling it off and setting some limits with this woman. Neither you nor your DH want this shower. My parents divorced when I was 12 and still can't be in the same room together (I'm 39 - you think they'd get their shiit together by now). I had a destination wedding to avoid a lot of family conflict and it was perfect for us. We were supposed to have a reception when we got back, but because my stepmother got drunk at the bridal shower and caused a scene with my mother, I decided to cancel the reception. The invitations had already gone out, and it sucked to have to notify everyone (I didn't go into details why we had to cancel), but I had to set limits for myself - and I knew there was no way the reception would work, trying to have everyone together. And it was the best thing I could have done. It saved a lot of stress for me and set some limits with my parents that I wouldn't put up with their behavior.

She sounds a lot like my mother - whom I haven't spoken to in a couple of years because of her treatment of me - demanding money, having temper tantrums, manipulating every situation. I'm not suggesting you cut MIL out of your life, but you need to start standing up for yourself and sticking up for yourself, otherwise your situation won't change.

CBomback · January 2013

AgentLDub:
No offense but there's no point in fuming and complaining if you're not going to out your foot down once and for all with her. Plus, you're husband should really be the one to put his mother in her place. My husband and I got married in June we're due in March and we paid for everything too. Because of this I explicitly said that no one else was allowed to have an opinion on how the wedding went down, who was invited, etc. if they wanted to complain then they could pay needless to say no one said a word! Furthermore I would not foot a grown woman's bills the more you do the more she knows she can get away with it. She may hate you for awhile after you lay down the rules but at least you can then have piece of mind knowing its your way or the high way. If she wants to be involved with you and the family them she'll come around if not well then good riddance! It's her loss and you have too much on your plate than to deal with a conniving, rude, sanctimonious witch! Just my thoughts ; Good luck!!!

This exactly. Please put your foot down, and make your DH step up. Whatever you do, don't let crazy people make you crazy too!

Hugs, and good luck.

mlrafiki · January 2013

I know you're only looking for sympathy and I completely appreciate that, but I have to add my voice to the PPs who have said you need to put a stop to this, NOW, for the good and health of yourself and your family.

Sounds like you've allowed yourself to be pressured by your hubby (into an earlier pregnancy than you would have preferred) and by his mom, and since caving to their demands clearly isn't making you happy and is starting to put you at a health risk, please please please stand up to them, especially the b*tchy mother.

I know a very sweet woman with three kids and a great career, only in her early 40s, who recently had a stroke, 100% as a result of stress. She's having to learn how to walk again, and she'll probably have some level of disability for the rest of her life, which will limit her job options, the extent to which she can care for her family and participate in activities with them, and so on. This is where you could be headed if you do not remove this source of stress from your life.

Please take care of yourself and if you feel so inclined, maybe give us an update later? *hugs*

Licia&Wayne · January 2013

Is telling her to DIAF too harsh?

shibby00 · January 2013

Another vote for your DH to grow a pair, and if he won't then you have to. After the first couple times, I honestly don't feel bad for you. Grow a pair, FFS.

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