MIL help!

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

My MIL always expects to get every holiday to herself and never wants to come and visit . I dont mind visiting her but we told her from day one we have to compromise because it would not ne fair if she gets every holiday and on top of it never wants to visit .

For a example , right after LO was born theyMIL and SIL automatically thought I was going to get on the train and take my LO to NY for the week . Just giving birth and telling them no I cant , they got mad . Even DH told them no . She then got mad an took it upon her self and told my family that she doesnt want anyone holding her baby ! She then stated that we would be spending more time out there with the LO and she would be favorite Grandma . I just laid there an laughed at her . We told her we would visit once LO is a couple months old , and we did . We went out there every time she asked us to .

Now fast forward to now she wont visit even if her life depended on it . Now shes pissed because we wont visit her anymore till she keeps up her end of the deal . Now she has her family making us look bad .

Do you ladies think we are wrong for telling her we arent going out there anymore till she comes and visit .

KatFCo · January 2013

It does sound like she's trying to be way too controlling, but by refusing to go out there until she does what you want, aren't you just stooping to her level?

How often have you been out to visit? How far away is it?

If you feel like you're going out there too often, definitely back off on it.

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

she lives in Bronx,NY an we live in CT . It only takes two hours on the train .
Thats what me and DH talked about last night because she sent a mass text message to all her kids . I will post it in a few . I think we should stop asking her to visit an not reply to her texts when she keeps asking when are you gonna bring me my baby .

KatFCo:
It does sound like she's trying to be way too controlling, but by refusing to go out there until she does what you want, aren't you just stooping to her level? How often have you been out to visit? How far away is it? If you feel like you're going out there too often, definitely back off on it.

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

Heres the text , I thought it was nice but shes a bit controlling at the end .

1/3 To my Children n grandsons on this New Years Eve. I will hold u close in heart as the ball drops at midnight. Know that,I love you all!! And will pray tha 2/3 t u all have many blessing of health n happiness. May the good Lord bless n guide u always. And bring u all home to me once again . I l 3/3 ove you MOM!

FlipFlopGirl32 · January 2013

I would discuss with dh the schedule of visits. I wouldn't just cut her off from seeing the baby. I would decide how many visits I was willing to make a month...once...twice. Then tell MIL...look, we're willing to come here once/twice a month by train. If you want to see LO more than that, you are always welcome in our home. Unfortunately, taking a baby on a 4 hour train ride in a day is a lot for him and we won't subject him to that more frequently until he is much older. Until then, we'll always have room for you at our house. Then stick to that schedule. Your baby, your rules.

I, personally, don't understand how people expect parents of babies to just do whatever they want because it's easier for them. What about what is the easiest for the baby and parents? Can you tell I have some of those people in my life too?

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

She isnt going to like the twice a month thing . We keep discussing it over and over again and she keeps insisting she has grandparent rights . My LO hates sitting on the train ride going out there and she got really mad because we told her no . I dont want to cut her off but her own son does because he feels like she doesnt wanna put in the effort either . I dont know how us women do it , I still talk to this women even after she sat in another room saying we werent going to be good parents and she wanted to take our LO away .

FlipFlopGirl32:
I would discuss with dh the schedule of visits. I wouldn't just cut her off from seeing the baby. I would decide how many visits I was willing to make a month...once...twice. Then tell MIL...look, we're willing to come here once/twice a month by train. If you want to see LO more than that, you are always welcome in our home. Unfortunately, taking a baby on a 4 hour train ride in a day is a lot for him and we won't subject him to that more frequently until he is much older. Until then, we'll always have room for you at our house. Then stick to that schedule. Your baby, your rules. I, personally, don't understand how people expect parents of babies to just do whatever they want because it's easier for them. What about what is the easiest for the baby and parents? Can you tell I have some of those people in my life too?

FlipFlopGirl32 · January 2013

She may not like it but that's her problem. How often does she expect you to go out there? If she's not happy about it, that's too bad for her. I've heard of these Grandparent Rights but I don't know much about it. If you are good parents, no court would take a child away because Grandma says so. I think she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. If it gets too stressful, you can tell her stress from adults isn't good for the baby and until she can be nice and compromise you can't bring the baby around.

My DH and I always say we have the upper hand when it comes to grandparents. It's our baby and we decide what is best for her. If we don't want her exposed to certain people and their issues, we don't allow them access to her.

KatFCo · January 2013

FlipFlopGirl32:
She may not like it but that's her problem. How often does she expect you to go out there? If she's not happy about it, that's too bad for her. I've heard of these Grandparent Rights but I don't know much about it. If you are good parents, no court would take a child away because Grandma says so. I think she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. If it gets too stressful, you can tell her stress from adults isn't good for the baby and until she can be nice and compromise you can't bring the baby around.
My DH and I always say we have the upper hand when it comes to grandparents. It's our baby and we decide what is best for her. If we don't want her exposed to certain people and their issues, we don't allow them access to her.

I agree with this. Tell her if she feels so strongly about these grandparent rights, then she can put herself on the train and visit you. Getting mad that you're "only" visiting her twice a month is ridiculous, especially when she knows the baby hates the trip.

She sounds like a really controlling woman, and you guys need to exert your rights as parents now, because it's not going to get better.

I wouldn't suggest cutting her off completely right now, but if she refuses to accept what you're offering and makes the visits miserable because she wants more, then do it.

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

I agree 100 I want to cut her off but I know once DH stops talking to her shes gonna harass the hell out of me . An keep begging . she expects us to cime every weekend plus holidays . She doesnt want my family around the baby but this is the same women that told us we can move to NY but live in a shelter . I just think shes pissed because my DH moved out once we got together . Hes fed up with it more than I am . This man got his feelings hurt because the one person that he wanted at our reception wasnt there. She made up some excuse that she was sick but instead she was at the beach . So you ladies are my last resort . I dont know what to do , I feel like you ladies are right cut her.completely off . Thank you ladies!!!

FlipFlopGirl32:
She may not like it but that's her problem. How often does she expect you to go out there? If she's not happy about it, that's too bad for her. I've heard of these Grandparent Rights but I don't know much about it. If you are good parents, no court would take a child away because Grandma says so. I think she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. If it gets too stressful, you can tell her stress from adults isn't good for the baby and until she can be nice and compromise you can't bring the baby around.My DH and I always say we have the upper hand when it comes to grandparents. It's our baby and we decide what is best for her. If we don't want her exposed to certain people and their issues, we don't allow them access to her.nbsp;

LoriLee14 · January 2013

I think making the effort for 2 times a month is plenty if that is what you are willing to do.

The grandparents rights are if they have formed a relationship and you are cutting them out of the childs lives for no real reason (drugs/abuse). They, then, have a right to still see the child and continue the relationship. If you can prove that you are still making an effort for them to see the child. ( your ticket stubs/ photos) and making it aware that she can come and see you at any time then she doesn't have a leg to stand on in court.

You can't cut her off, but honestly, i don't know i could go and listen to this all the time. can you ask her to text or email you more so you wouldn't have to listen to it on the phone?

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

The two times a month is a no go , we just got into a argument =/ . She just said its unfair that we are taking her baby away from her . She wont stand a chance at taking him anyway . She has a 4 year old and barely takes care of him and throws him off to her 16 year old daughter . So she wont get my son period . My DH and I are great parents , I dont go around yelling it to the world we show it in our actions .

LoriLee14:
I think making the effort for 2 times a month is plenty if that is what you are willing to do.

The grandparents rights are if they have formed a relationship and you are cutting them out of the childs lives for no real reason (drugs/abuse). They, then, have a right to still see the child and continue the relationship. If you can prove that you are still making an effort for them to see the child. ( your ticket stubs/ photos) and making it aware that she can come and see you at any time then she doesn't have a leg to stand on in court.

You can't cut her off, but honestly, i don't know i could go and listen to this all the time. can you ask her to text or email you more so you wouldn't have to listen to it on the phone?

KatFCo · January 2013

AlexisSheree129:
The two times a month is a no go , we just got into a argument =/ . She just said its unfair that we are taking her baby away from her . She wont stand a chance at taking him anyway . She has a 4 year old and barely takes care of him and throws him off to her 16 year old daughter . So she wont get my son period . My DH and I are great parents , I dont go around yelling it to the world we show it in our actions .

It needs to be made clear to her that this is not "her" baby. It's yours and your husband's. Period. As the grandmother, she has no legal rights.

When you say it's a "no go"--just because she's not accepting it doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

A question, though. This whole thing is about that she won't go visit you. She has 2 kids herself? Do you welcome them to visit also? (not that this makes her behavior acceptable, but it would be slightly understandable why she doesn't visit)

Tell your DH to talk to his mother and make sure he tells her not to harrass you anymore. Then just don't answer the phone when she calls. If she can't be adult about it, don't indulge her hissy fits.

AlexisSheree129 · January 2013

Her two kids are welcome anytime , we even bought them a bed when they come to stay . Plus when he tells her to stop asking me she still asks an constantly keeps refering LO to her baby . I would love for them to come out here an spend time with him to make it easier on us . I will keep you ladies posted because shes trying to come up with excuses as to why we should go out there an her not come out here .

KatFCo:
AlexisSheree129:
 The two times a month is a no go , we just got into a argument  =/ . She just said its unfair that we are taking her baby away from her . She wont stand a chance at taking him anyway . She has a 4 year old and barely takes care of him and throws him off to her 16 year old daughter . So she wont get my son period . My DH and I are great parents , I dont go around yelling it to the world we show it in our actions .
It needs to be made clear to her that this is not "her" baby. It's yours and your husband's. Period. As the grandmother, she has no legal rights.
When you say it's a "no go"--just because she's not accepting it doesn't mean it's not going to happen.
A question, though. This whole thing is about that she won't go visit you. She has 2 kids herself? Do you welcome them to visit also? (not that this makes her behavior acceptable, but it would be slightly understandable why she doesn't visit)
Tell your DH to talk to his mother and make sure he tells her not to harrass you anymore. Then just don't answer the phone when she calls. If she can't be adult about it, don't indulge her hissy fits.

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