'Nanny' Issues- How to Deal?-Long (sorry)
Currently, my younger sister who is in college is serving as our nanny. Things have been working out great thus far. A little background info- She moved 2+ hours away from my parents but is now about 15 min away from me, so still close to family. She has always been my summertime nanny, would come and stay for days/weeks at a time during the summers when I needed her.
Since she has been in school she has been our part-time nanny. She watches my DD's for approx. 10-20 hours/week. I pay her well. More than her other work-study job pays and my DD's are napping for about 2 of the 6.5 hours that she is here. So, she is now on Christmas break and asked if she could stay with us during her break so she could make some money. Also asked if her boyfriend could stay with us. They have been together for about 3 months. He lives out of state and has a job locally. Lives in the dorms and they had to be out of the dorms until after next week. I told her it was ok as long as they stayed in separate rooms.
Well, they moved in and I started noticing things about him that were concerning. He claims to have a 'seizure disorder' and is on 'seizure medication'. During his stay here, I overheard a telephone conversation where he was complaining to the VA (he is a veteran) about being out of his medication. I heard him tell them that the medication he was out of was prescribed by behavoiral health and not neurology- He takes this medication for his PTSD, not seizures. He also just got injured on the job and is having surgery to repair a hernia in a few weeks. He claimed to be in alot of pain. I know that the medication he takes for his 'seizure' has a side effect of drowsiness. He was combining this with narcotic pain medication and walking around my house looking stoned out of his gourd.
He also would drink this stuff at night that was some concoction called neurosleep or something. I looked it up and it is basically like a bunch of herbs and melatonin to promote sleep. So he basically was combining 3 medications that all had mind-altering side effects. There were some nights where he would also drink alcohol (he is of age).
My sister is young and naieve and thinks she is in love but some of his behavior is concerning to me and I am upset that he was combining these medications in front of my kids. We also noticed some things went missing like my husband's razor and shaving cream. I expressed my concerns to my mom and she just kind of made excuses for him. I was hoping my mom would talk to her about it, but looks like its up to me.
I don't want him at my house ever again, especially if he's all stoned on different pills. I don't know how to tell my sister this and not make her upset and not risk the chance of losing my nanny.- Yes this sounds self-centered but the hours we need care are not traditional and centers/in-home are not an option (need childcare until late evening).I also have modified my work schedule to center around her class schedule.
She is currently out of state with said boyfriend and is due back on the 2nd. They are going back to their dorm the same day so will not need to stay at my house any more.- But I still don't want him around for the time being.
Any ideas on how to approach her with this subject without causing drama?
Re: 'Nanny' Issues- How to Deal?-Long (sorry)
Edited for paragraphs- Sorry new to bumping from ipad
Yes I think that she hold what I have to say with high regards, but she also is the type of person that has a hot temper and will get upset and hold a grudge for a long time. I just don't want it to bee too late if/when she figures things out on her own. IMO, this dude has a very labile personality and would be one to go BSC if she ever like broke up with him. She is in nursing school. I'm hoping that once she takes her pharmacology class she will understand more about the meds he's on (He's already had 'seizures' because apparently the VA forgot to send his meds. IMHO, I think he was overmedicating and ran out before his allotted monthly pills were allowed to be refilled and had withdrawl seizures).
I guess it does not help that I hve been an ER nurse for 8 years and see things like this every day and can call BS when I see it.
Thanks for the insight. It seems like this guy has been pretty open about his military service thus far. I know he entered at age 17 right after he graduated. He did 2 tours in Afghanistan and he probably saw, heard, smelled, and felt things that I will never know about. He was stationed in Alaska when he was not overseas.
However, mixing mind altering substances is not the cure for this and it concerns me both for his safety and hers. I understand that people are on meds every day but there are concerning things that make me think that he may be already over medicating as is (see post above).
I also have a medical background, so I know that mixing 2 meds can be bad. Adding in a 3rd and/ or alcohol is even worse.- I just want her to be aware so she doesn't like get in a car with him when he's doing this and can maybe get him to rethink what he's doing, Maybe he needs counseling, Maybe increase the dosage of his current meds or add another anti-depressant type of med that will not alter his mental status.
See, I wish I could talk to my sister like this but as soon as I mention it she will accuse me of calling him a drug addict or something along those lines. I feel like I can't win here.
I know you want to help her "see the light", but unless she is in immediate danger, she really needs to learn things on her own. If/when she realizes what's going on, and she breaks up with him, be a good listener and don't say "well I knew it from the start". You don't know he will go BSC, you are jumping to conclusions, I can't say I wouldn't make the same determinations you did, but I know (from personal experiences) that sometimes it's better to fall down, and have a sister pick you back up, than have everyone tell you "he's the wrong guy" because if she really is head over heels for him, she will just try that much harder to make it work, and prove you wrong. He's out of your house, and there is no reason for him to come back.
Yes I do understand that the medications are being used for two different reasons. However, even before this injury there were incidents that led me to believe that he may be self-medicating in other ways other than combining his prescription meds with pain killers (like overmedicating on his PTSD meds)- in hind sight. There have been times that I have seen him looking 'tired', slurring his words, and kind of repeating himself but I chalked it up to lack of sleep and working long hours, classes, etc. at the time. I think that him staying with me for a short period of time just kind of opened my eyes and kind of look back and think maybe past behaviors were due to some sort of medication mixing,,, Yes this may be judgey and jumping to conclusions but there is also a component of gut feeling.
I would hope that his doctors are aware of all of this-that he is being truthful to them and that they may even check his controlled substance history. Anyone with presciptive authority in the state of Ohio can look that up in the database.
Hopefully surgery will take care of any pain issues he is having currently, and the narcotics can be out of the equation, but still the combination of benzos, sleep aids, and alcohol is not healthy.
I know she needs to live and learn, but its just hard to sit back and see the things that I have seen and keep my mouth shut- and not be judgey or jump to conclusions- which I have learned is easy to do when it comes to your loved ones.
He's not in your house anymore and he's your sister's boyfriend.
She's an adult and can date whoever she wants. If you get judgmental on her, she'll probably blow up on you or shut you out. So mind your own business about her relationship and just be there for her if she wants to talk.
If she asks if he can stay there again, just say you're not comfortable with that. You didn't realize he'd be bringing so many meds into the house and you're afraid the kids could accidentally get their hands on them.
Finally, the fact that a veteran is receiving mental health care does not mean he's some crazy violent dangerous person or is going to be messed up for the rest of his life. Getting help for a problem is always better than letting it fester. The general population seems to have this perception of the crazy vietnam vet. That isn't accurate. Many of the older veterans had long term problems because they didn't get care when they needed it. Don't consign him to a stereotype when all you've noticed are possible medication side effects or TBI symptoms.
He is almost certainly receiving assistance from the VA, which does track and probably even issues all his medications. Let his doctors decide how much is too much and what medications are necessary and compatible. You're making a lot of judgments with incomplete information about a guy who isn't even in your house anymore.
Wow I guess you did not read my entire post or other replies about my concerns. I mentioned one little line about him being one to go BSC and it got taken all out of line. I said that he had a very labile mood/personality- I witnessed this first hand during the 10 days he stayed at my house and that's what would be concerning to me if they ever broke up.
I don't care if he takes meds for seizure disorder, PTSD, depression. I do care that he is taking them on top of other mind altering drugs and possibly overmedicating on his already prescribed ones-this behavior and the fact that these types of meds are in my house I do not condone. He does this and drives a car, sometimes with my sister as a passenger. This concerns me also.
In my OP I mentioned that they are OOT right now and will be moving back to college once they are back so the 2 weeks you suggested is not needed. I just don't want him back in my house as an overnight guest ever again.
You're still continuing to make judgements on things you don't have enough information on. My best friend is narcotic dependent for back pain. What she takes in a day would have most people in a coma. But her particular case is JUST THAT. She doesn't suffer the same side effects as a result of the incredible pain it is fighting against, as well as, unfortunately, her body having gotten used to the dose she needs. She drives, works, etc. I have no fears riding with her. You're looking at his med list and without having any other details about his medical care, you're making judgements.
I get that his body is dependent and all that. I'm not making judgements. I know for a fact that he takes benzos. He is on narcotics for pain. He takes sleep aids on top of this and also drinks alcohol- this I have witnessed first hand- Its all fact. He does get in a car and drive. Whether or not he is overmedicating on his presctiption meds is my gut feeling- basing the timing of seizures.
I work in an ER where we give away narcotics like candy. However, the first thing that we ask before we give any and even doctors ask before they write for it to be given is How are you getting home? If they are driving, they don't get the medication because unfortunately even though some people can still function normally (as in your friend's case), they are still considered driving under the influence of a mind-altering substance if driving with any controlled substance on board. Not denying that your friend or this dude does not have pain.... Just saying that he will not be doing this on my watch around my family because unfortunatley I see the bad effects that substance dependence/abuse every day at my job. Our hospital has an on-site detox facility. When the detox place is full, they turn to the ER for help.