being told what to do...

mccall0113 · December 2012

My DS (11) was scheduled to visit BF for 7 hours yesterday. DS is allowed to come home if he becomes upset per the CO. DS called 1.5 hours into visit needing to come home. I was driving my SD to her mother some distance in snow storm. I made arrangements for my parents to watch DS. His father "did not feel comfortable" dropping DS off there. He proceeded to tell me that I am not allowed to go out of town for this reason and that I wanted all of this to begin with. 1. I hate being told what to do and feel ex has no right to dictate where I go. 2. He should be a man and "deal" with our son or man up and drop him to my parents. Who do I get to call if DS has an outburst? No one, because I am the mother. I am at a loss on help the relationship between ex and DS. DS has aspergers and bipolar, has therapist & psychiatrist but ex makes no effort to get involved. I feel this is a slippery slope ad we are in for a long struggle. Not picking up my son is not an option for me. There was a no contact order earlier this year because ex lost his temper toward DS. Thanks if you read this far! Needed to vent.

ldmessing · December 2012

Who in their right mind thought putting In The CO that the child can come home if he gets upset? How is that in the child's best interest

odear · December 2012

ldmessing:
Who in their right mind thought putting In The CO that the child can come home if he gets upset? How is that in the child's best interest

Ditto this. That is probably the worst clause I have seen. If the child can decide to come home if he gets upset then it sounds like you need to be "on call" just in case.

If BD can just wash his hands of your DS if he "gets upset" how will he get used to dealing with him when it is difficult?

hopanka · December 2012

The clause is probably in there, so the child as an escape during a time of high frustration or panic attack. Much like what you would put in an IEP. When a special needs child has a difficult time in class, they are allowed to request a hall pass of sort, and they can go for a walk, or to the resource room or nurses office to calm down and catch a sensory break. I'm assuming staying with dad is anxiety producing for the child, especially since dad has no interest in learning how to deal with his son's needs and he lashed out at him in the past, which resulted in the no contact order. So, yes, in this case it's probably smart and in the child's best interest to have the clause in the CO. As a fellow special needs mom, I know what it means to be on call 24/7. I'm sorry BD is a jack as$, can you request the court that he attends parenting classes first, geared towards SN, and mandatory meetings with your son's therapeutic team? How did he gain custody back after the no contact order?

mccall0113 · December 2012

Thanks for your kind response. The CO was in the process of being drawn up, waiting to be signed by a judge currently. My lawyer didn't feel I had enough evidence for sole custody. I don't really care, I act like I have sole. I also get final say over any medical decisions. When the ex finds "suitable residence," DS will gradually work up to EOWE. I highly doubt this will ever happen. In the meantime, I document EVERYTHING and look forward to my day in court. Ex has every opportunity to attend meetings and appointments at school but refuses because he feels like he can't be in the same room as myself. I hate having such bitter feeling for my ex. I'm terrified they are missing out on critical bonding time. Hopefully its not too late.

mom2one · December 2012

Since there is bad history there between the dad and son, I think a "get out" clause is important. And by dad letting his son exercise it, they are hopefully building some trust. We had a similar clause when ex started having visitation.

katie_cj · December 2012

I think the "get out" clause is warranted in this situation. If the CO isn't drawn up yet, I would request that either you or your parents can pick him up in that situation.

That gives you a back up if you need one. You shouldn't have to be waiting around at home during his visitation.

SimpleJane · December 2012

katie_cjhotmail.com:
I think the "get out" clause is warranted in this situation. If the CO isn't drawn up yet, I would request that either you or your parents can pick him up in that situation.That gives you a back up if you need one. You shouldn't have to be waiting around at home during his visitation.nbsp;nbsp;

I agree with this. If Dad has lost his temper with DS before, DS should def have a way out if he gets upset. You shouldn't have to be on call though, see if you can add to the CO that your parents can pick him up if you are unable.

J&A2008 · December 2012

It's a complicated situation for sure. I don't think I would want to go far from home if my ex had a short fuse, a history of abuse, and was with my child. I would not discourage him from using DS's escape clause.

twister22 · December 2012

I definitely think the "get out" clause is warranted. However, it does sound like you are 'on call' during BD's time with DS son. I would add something to the clause saying that you 'or your designee' will pick up DS is he so requests it. That way, if you are in a situation where you cannot pick up DS, then your parents could, and even if they weren't available you could have a trusted friend.

Ilumine · January 2013

I am NOT trying to be rude or snarky here, but if you had to HAVE a "get out" clause written into your Court Order, BECAUSE you know that your son and ExH have problems interacting, then it behooves YOU (the person who forced this loop-hole) to be available during visitation times.

I am not saying that your son does not need or deserve this clause. I am not saying that you shouldnt' expect your son's father to be able to handle his son appropriately and effectively.

But damn it, you KNEW the situation and you choose to bring your SD to her mother's in a snowstorm? YOU opened yourself up to this occurring the minute you got into that car.

Where was your husband and why wasnt he fulfilling his custodial duties for his kid so you could ensure your responsibilities for your child were set?

At the very least, you should have had your contingency plan figured out with ExH BEFORE you left.

Lessons Learned.

lookame3639 · January 2013

If there was a no contact order(I assume for your child and ex not you and your ex) then why wasn't something more like supervised visits put in before an escape claus?

That being said I know if my ex and I had an escape clause my ex would either not use it and force DS to stay with him or he'd also make ME come over and pick up DS...that said I would suggest adding a different person have the ability to care and pick up the child until you are available. I think to smooth things over it should state you will make appropriete arrangements to become available as soon as possible in situations like that...

mccall0113 · January 2013

To clarify, the CO states that DS should be returned to me promptly. And trust me, I usually don't go too far from home.

J&A2008 · January 2013

It's difficult to be prompt if you're far away. I'm assuming you would object to the ex taking DS on a trip out of town during his time. If you need to modify the CO, do it, though with the few details you'v shared, I wouldn't, but you can't blame him for following the CO.

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