XP from PPD: PPA to feeling like chopped liver (long)

hopefulmom81 · January 2013

First of all, sorry to dominate the board. This will be my last thread tonight, I promise!

A little back story....

I have struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder since my teen years off and on, especially around times of major change/transition (college, baby).

I suffered 2 miscarriages which set me up for an anxiety-ridden pregnancy. Beginning at about 35 weeks pregnant, the anxiety became unmanageable and remained so until about 15 weeks post partum.

I finally hit a point after much therapy and leveled off hormones where I have been feeling like myself for months. I have been enjoying DD immensely and have felt "normal" (whatever that really means).

Well, fast forward to last week. I decided to wean DD and stop breast feeding altogether. My supply was dipping scary low, and it just seemed like time. The physical transition was simple. No pain, done gradually.

Now, emotionally, I am feeling a bit rocky. I feel like DD doesn't care for me as much as she did before. I notice little things, like how she will be totally "blah" with me for most of our interactions and smile broadly for DH. I feel like she whines a lot for me and is fun for everyone else. Basically, I feel like she doesn't like me and doesn't care about me. Typing this, I know it sounds irrational, but I catch myself looking at her blank stare and thinking to myself, "I could be anyone right now, she doesn't need ME any more now that I am not breast feeding".

I would say I don't feel anxious, more "meh" and uncertain.

Is this normal? Did any of you experience this around weaning time? How long did it last?

JulyMomma2U2 · January 2013

Though I can't really relate on the weaning part, I can relate a bit to noticing how different DS's reactions are with me and with DH.. I think a lot of that is because DS spends so much more time with me, and only sees DH when he gets home from work.. so, he's even more excited to see him? At least, this is what I tell myself.. I did go through a period where I felt jealous and bitter, almost.. thinking DS liked DH more, but after having a mental breakdown to DH and sobbing about how it's "not fair that he likes you more", DH assured me I was being irrational and helped me realize how flawed of a statement that was.. regardless, it was still a tough time.. (((big hugs))) to you.. FWIW, you'll always be her Mommy.. and no one else on the planet can be that

emeraudecephiro · January 2013

Creeping over to give you the biggest of hugs. I have had serious anxiety for years myself, it's not easy.

Junebug060609 · January 2013

I didn't notice the shift to correllate directly with weaning, but he's for sure gone through phases where he'll light up for DH and not me, and vice versa. What I've noticed hasn't wavered though is that when he's scared or upset, it's me that he wants. I'm not his food source anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not a source of stability and comfort. Weaning is an emotional time for moms. Big hugs. FWIW, to help me combat missing the closeness of nursing I started giving him his bottle while snuggled in my lap. We still do snuggles before he goes down for a nap/bedtime.

ETA: The whining seemingly only for you thing...sometimes kids let it all out on those they feel the safest with/closest to. I know it's hard, been on the receiving end of it, but it will pass.

october_artist · January 2013

((hugs)) mama. I have had on and off anxiety since giving birth and for me it is ramped up at night - I have a super fear of something happening to her while we sleep....or while I don't sleep and keep looking at her. That being said, I know sometimes I'm thinking irrationally and I just have to keep telling myself that, as hard as it may be.

Your LO loves you, she just hasn't learned the way we (socially) show it. None of our babies have really yet, they are too little! Their blank stares, their way of scratching and slapping our faces from time to time, their turning away when we try and kiss them....it's not because they don't love us as much! They are still learning what they feel and how to show it. As someone who is still nursing though, I can 100% understand how you could be feeling these things after weaning, I have that fear. However, remember! We mothers provide much more than milk. If you keep up the loving, keep up taking care of yourself, and taking care of LO - she will absolutely love you right back and when she can eventually show that love, things will be easier. Until then, keep reminding yourself of how important you are to her, how important she is to you, and how important it is for you to feel happy and healthy about your relationship....maybe you could do some sort of mommy and me class? A swimming class? A baby yoga class? Maybe sometime fun just the two of you? Something to strengthen the bond in other ways?

Missa_g · January 2013

Yes. My situation is different because I was never able to BF but I have had similar feelings.

I weaned from EPing in July when the boys were 3 months old, 1m adjusted. My supply always sucked and I was spending 4.5 hours a day hooked to a machine instead of spending time with them. As much as I wanted BFing to work we had to fortify my BM for extra calories so they could gain weight appropriately. At first I felt useless. What was I doing that anyone else couldn't? Honestly, what helped me the most was doing skin to skin time. I would strip us both down when I fed them their bottle, or strip them down to cuddle. It still soothes them if they're fussy even now.

I'm sorry you're experiencing these emotions and I hope you start to feel better soon.

SharonB222 · January 2013

I was totally concerned about my attachment, or lack thereof to DD and vice versa. Even at a year I did not feel like a mom. Asides from a boob, it seemed I could have been anyone to DD. Yes, she seemed to light up for DH more than me. In any case, at 15 months I declared to myself that I was a mom. Not sure what shifted, but I figured it was about time I get with it. Funny thing is, at 16 months DD developed a touch of separation anxiety. I read it's normal and peaks at 18 months. I have to admit I'm a bit tickled pink by it. Last night DD woke up crying and DH could not console her --- but as soon as she hears or touches me she settles down contented. This is most likely your future later within the year. Now *DH* is a little concerned but I tell him she's sure to go through a daddy phase soon (and being a girl that could be most her life, so I'd better enjoy this time). Hang in there!

smikeru · January 2013

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have anxiety too and it can be very difficult to deal with.

With my oldest we went thru periods (especially during the first year and a half) where he would favor me for weeks, and then didn't want me and would much prefer my husband. He also went thru the acting out for me and not others. I will say that I think they do act out with who they feel most comfortable with. I have always found that to be the case. Kids seem to test the ones they love the most because they can do it securely knowing that they will still be loved (make sense?). So take comfort in that and even though it is difficult know that she will certainly go back to wanting just you and it is most likely a phase.

hopefulmom81 · January 2013

Thank you all so much. I am in tears (good tears) reading your responses.

It is just a weird shift because DD was/is a 100% mama's girl, so every little thing that seems "off" is very obvious.

These responses make me feel so much better. I love the suggestion of doing a mommy and me class!

Thank you for sharing your stories to this piece of chopped liver

MickeyM04 · January 2013

Hi hopeful!

I just wanted to add that I have also suffered from an anxiety disorder/OCD for a long time and I actually weaned because I needed to get back on my meds (badly). So I can relate to the anxiety aspect for sure.

I just wanted to add that hormones TOTALLY take a huge dip when you wean, and my therapist actually warned me about that. She told me not to freak out about how I would probably feel WORSE when I weaned, even though like I said, the reason I weaned was because I needed to get back on my meds so I didn't think it was possible to feel worse. This hormonal change could be responsible for making you notice that your DD is acting differently with you. She might actually not be acting all that different but you are hypersensitive to everything now due to the hormone drop and your baseline anxiety. Just know that it will level out and you will feel normal again.

Also I do want to echo what PP's said that sometimes mommies bear the brunt of whininess/fussiness because our LOs feel more comfortable/safe with us. For example, I'm sure you probably vent more/fight more/yell more at YH than at say, a coworker, and that's because you feel most comfortable with him. So try to take it as a compliment. It means DD feels safest with you; she knows she can lash out and you will a) make it better, and b) not go anywhere/abandon her.

So sorry you're having a rough time right now. PM me if you ever want to chat. And big ((HUGS)).

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XP from PPD: PPA to feeling like chopped liver (long)

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