Another Shower Post....

GrowingFamily2012 · December 2012

So, my MIL threw her daughter a baby shower in November and she had her baby in December. I assumed that since this was also her grandchild, she would also throw me one. Yesterday while sitting at their house, she says "so, when is your baby shower?" Like, I was supposed to plan my own?! I am not going to be planning my own and if she doesn't plan one, sounds like I won't be having one (from the hubby's side at least.) I am not snobby, and don't need gifts, I just feel that if she would do it for one grandchild, shouldn't this one be the same? Am I wrong to feel that way? My family will be throwing me one, but it is 2 1/2 hours away and I don't expect the in-laws to travel that far. Should I just invite them so they feel included? I'm lost and feel like a pregzilla....

Stellarpuppy · December 2012

My MIL will be planning a shower for me since she has no daughters of her own and has been patiently waiting for a grandchild to come (she's a daycare provider of over 30 years so she's constantly asked).

I invited her to my shower for my family and friends who live in NY. I would invite her to the one with your family that's being planned. You could also see if you DH could inquire why she would do her daughter but not you. Traditions in different regions are so different that it might not even had occured to her that this was not normal for some people. For instance I've never heard of giving gifts to the people who host the showers but since no one has ever done it it's not considered offensive here. If I lived somewhere else it could definitely be taken the wrong way. GL either way!!

benmel31 · December 2012

Showers are tricky, because you cannot assume that someone will throw you one. I had no idea what to expect. I have no sisters (just SILs) and no girlfriends that I thought would throw me a shower.

My mom and MIL are hosting my shower. I was actually pleasantly surprised when this was brought up.

Like pp said, you can ask your DH to ask his mom about this, but I would not let it bother you. I agree that you could invite DH's side to your other shower knowing they probably won't come or just not worry about a shower with them.

guilletskichuk · December 2012

How is the situation of your MIL throwing a baby shower for your SIL any different than your own family throwing you one? Do you really need to have showers on both sides of the family (yours and DH's)? Did your SIL?

GrowingFamily2012 · December 2012

The difference is that all of my family is from 2 1/2 hours away. I don't expect them to travel here for a shower and I don't expect DH's family to travel that far for their shower. My SIL got lucky because her family and her husband's family live about 20 mins apart so they could all attend the same shower.

Don't get me wrong either, i'd be perfectly happy with the one shower buy I feel that my LO will get shafted. Since their other grandchild is their daughter's baby and since I'm the DIL, that my LO is like an afterthought. Perhaps my hormones cause me to be more sensitive than I already am, but DH and I have always felt that his sister and BIL were favored by his parents anyway.

runningyogimama · December 2012

She might feel that since you are here DIL and not her daughter, that your own mother would be throwing you a shower. My MIL offered to throw me a shower, and my mom was put off by it and felt she was stepping on her toes as my mom, but MIL only has boys, so I suggested they be cohosts in order to keep the peace. But, we all live in the same city, so....

She may just think it's not her place to host. Have DH politely bring it up to her asking if they will be able to travel for your shower, and if she then decides to host one in your town so they dont have to travel, great, if not, oh, well.

MonsterBean3815 · December 2012

I feel like you should invite DHs family to the one your mom is throwing. If it's too far for them to travel, they may decide to have one of their own. My best friend's shower was 3.5 hours away from most of her closest friends, so we decided to have one of our own when we found out all the details and realized we wouldn't be able to make it to the one her family was throwing.

jglenn4 · December 2012

GrowingFamily2012:
Don't get me wrong either, i'd be perfectly happy with the one shower buy I feel that my LO will get shafted.

Not judging but the comment above makes me think this is more about the gifts than the joy of having those close to you celebrate the impending arrival of your LO. In my family and group of friends it seems like the family/parents of the daughter are more involved/spend more time with LO (unless they live much further away than DH's family), but that could just be in my world. I'm having one shower thrown by my best friend in my hometown and I don't expect my MIL or SILs to come because they live too far away. We plan to have a Meet the Baby party in NYC when she arrives and that way people who could not make it to the shower, could come and celebrate with us then. I don't know how the logistics would work for you, but maybe you could do something similar if you're worried about your LO getting "shafted". I do, however, don't think this will be the case and your DH's family will buy gifts and celebrate your LO too.

tilsonc · December 2012

Showers are weird. I am sorta like you in that we didn't need gifts, but thought it was nice to celebrate and get excited for babys arrival. None of our family (either side) threw us a shower for our first child. Both MILs think its tacky to host and my mom didn't offer to throw one (even though she planned 2 showers for my sister). I invited everyone to my shower 3 hours away and I was surprised how many came. Some people will just send a gift if they are not able to make it so it will work out either way. I didn't hear any complaints as I believe everyone understood this was my only shower.

asibilrud · December 2012

Please don't take this personally as I do see where you are coming from but I do think you are being ever so slightly "pregzilla" ish

It could just be that your MIL assumed that your mom wanted to do it, not that shes being rude. I think its a little dramatic to assume your LO is going to be "shafted" because your MIL didn't volunteer to throw you a shower. Even if it means LO is for whatever reason "shafted" by MIL there are obviously lots of other people that love LO or you wouldn't be having an entire other shower far away.

As PP's have said, I would just include you SO's family in the invitations to the out-of-town shower. Either they will 1.) send a gift 2.) Attend 3.) Decide to have a shower of their own in your area.

LeLe25 · December 2012

asibilrud:
Please don't take this personally as I do see where you are coming from but I do think you are being ever so slightly "pregzilla" ish
It could just be that your MIL assumed that your mom wanted to do it, not that shes being rude. I think its a little dramatic to assume your LO is going to be "shafted" because your MIL didn't volunteer to throw you a shower. Even if it means LOL is for whatever reason "shafted" by MIL there are obviously lots of other people that love LO or you wouldn't be having an entire other shower far away.
As PP's have said, I would just include you SO's family in the invitations to the out-of-town shower. Either they will 1.) send a gift 2.) Attend 3.) Decide to have a shower of their own in your area.

This I agree with everything you said.

GrowingFamily2012 · December 2012

I suppose my word choice of "shafted" was inappropriate. We really don't need the gifts as DH and I have pretty much bought everything we need with the exception of the stroller and car seat. I guess I just feel that we are always left out even though we only live 4 miles away. I really like the idea of maybe just hosting a meet and greet after LO is born for his side. I guess its hard seeing as how DH and I are the same age as my SIL and BIL and also live right down the road, but get treated much differently. I suppose my hormones have now gotten the best of my already sensitive nature but its hard with my family so far away.

ETA: I know I never included that my real mother is not much part of my life. I guess my MIL is as close as it gets? Anyway, thanks for the great suggestions, now I will have to decide what to do.

mcooper014 · December 2012

Did your sister is law also have a shower thrown for her by her in laws? I'm confused by your post, aren't you having a shower thrown by your side of the family? Why are you so upset that your MIL isn't throwing you a second shower? When she asked when is your shower she was probably asking because she wants to attend, not because she wants you to throw a second shower for yourself.

5ylvie62 · December 2012

I say just invite her, depending on the area showers are usually thrown by the MTB's side, so that's probably why.
If she really wants to go she'll travel, if not she can always deny the invitation, i'm inviting a lot of family wayyy out of town just to be polite but I don't expect them to actually come by way out of town I mean a 2 day drive

shandorfml2 · December 2012

I'd guess because she figured your Mom would be throwing it (traditionally I think anyway). My parents live 2.5 hrs away as well, and instead of trying to throw one big one (like we did with our wedding, and it was a pain) we are doing two. My Mom spoke with her and we are doing two seperate.

allieway02 · January 2013

My fiance's family lives 16 hours away. My mom is throwing me a shower and I invited all of his family knowing they wont be able to make the drive. Just wanted to show them that Im trying to include them.