MIL Advice needed!

McCarron20 · January 2013

So I'm not really crazy about my MIL. When my Husband and I got married, we moved to my home state, which is hours away from their home and she's been rude and mean to me ever since. My Husband and I are due in 7 weeks and she's already said her and her husband will be staying with us for at least a week. I'm fine with them staying while I'm in the hospital, but I think I'm going to need a couple of days with just my husband and baby when we get out of the hospital. Is that bad that I don't want them there? It would be good if they were helpful, but she doesn't cook or clean and she's extremely loud and opinionated. Not to mention they just bought a puppy. I love dogs, we have one ourselves, but puppies are high energy and get into trouble. Any suggestions?

Unknown · January 2013

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Las135 · January 2013

My MIL lives about 2.5 hours away from us as well, and I absolutely adore her. She is very sweet, and we get along great. BUT, in no way would I have her stay here at our house for a week after baby comes home. No way. I am a very private person, and I am looking forward to coming home with DH and learning/ getting into a routine with baby boy. I am a first time mom, and I hear that the first week home is very rough, and you feel very vulnerable. That is definitely a time that I will need some privacy. My MIL will be staying in a hotel about 10 minutes up the road from us.

Of The Eld · January 2013

Book them a hotel. when they act butthurt about it, just make your eyes really wide and say something about how you "just thought that was how it was discussed, considering we wouldn't be up for paying all the attention to MIL and FIL that they deserve"

dande2129 · January 2013

Did she TELL you they were staying for a week, or did your husband say that it was okay? There's a big difference there.

I would not have anyone staying at my house for a week after my baby is born, no matter how helpful (or not) they may be.

JaneDoe968 · January 2013

We have a difficult inlaw situation going on as well. In general we have decided that every decision we make will be discussed between DH and I before an answer is given. He is the one who tells them diplomatically what the decision was, and then we both stand firm on that decision. If I was in your situation I would discuss it with DH and tell him how I felt about it and give 23 suggestions I was comfortable with and then ask him what he thought and go from there. I might suggest something like waiting a few weeks before they visit or only having them stay a day or two depending on your exact situation. Basically what I'm trying to get at is that your inlaws are going to listen to you husband better than you so it would be best to find a solution he agrees to and then have him tell them and enforce it.

Momof2Es · January 2013

Are you writing about my life? This is totally what happened to me when I had our DD. My husband's family is 17 hours away, and I was induced last time so they came the night before my induction and my MIL stayed with us a week and ahalf after we came home from the hospital. It was awful...she did not help me with cooking or cleaning, so I felt like on top of recovering and taking care of a newborn I was doing upkeep for a houseguest. I also did not like having someone right there 24/7 when we first came home. By the time my husband had to go back to work, we had barely had any time to adjust to it just being the 3 of us. This go around, I am going to be very polite but I am going to let them know that I really don't think that I can mentally handle having people stay in our home when we bring baby #2 home. I am already stressing out over how my 3 year old is going to adjust at first without having to worry about her routine being completely thrown off by house guests. I have also dealt with an anxiety order since the birth of my daughter, so I am really going to try to stay on top of my stress/anxiety in case any PPD creeps in. I am just hoping they are going to take it well...my mom lives right up the street and has offered to let them stay with her because she lives alone and has 3 extra bedrooms. That way they can't say that we are forcing them to pay for a hotel room. If I had it to do all over again, I would have had my husband take care of it the first time. Unless they specifically ask me, I think it will be better coming from him.

Rosebean · January 2013

dande2129:
Did she TELL you they were staying for a week, or did your husband say that it was okay? There's a big difference there.
I would not have anyone staying at my house for a week after my baby is born, no matter how helpful (or not) they may be.

this.... Good luck getting the keys.... Or when they come over turn off all the lights and pretend you aren't home

saturdaynightdoubletree · January 2013

If it were me... I put it all on DH, his family (so wrong, but whatever!). I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone in my house right before, during, or right after giving birth. The only exception was when DS was born and my mom came and stayed with us - that was because we were 1800 miles away from everyone and everything we knew, with an 13 month old that had nobody to watch her. My mom is fantastic, tries to stay out of the way, awesome with DD, makes meals, goes grocery shopping, keeps herself entertained, etc. but it was still hard having another person in the house while trying to adjust to a new family dynamic. That's just me, but by the sounds of MIL being around it doesn't seem like a smooth experience, and might be better for everyone if she checks into a hotel. GL!

Jgiesbrecht · January 2013

Of The Eld:
Book them a hotel. when they act butthurt about it, just make your eyes really wide and say something about how you "just thought that was how it was discussed, considering we wouldn't be up for paying all the attention to MIL and FIL that they deserve"

This. She's had babies before and although she doesn't remember it- you could always ask her if she had house guests. While having a baby is an exciting time, it's not a party, nor a "vacation." I didn't even let my own mother come to stay with us. I waited until DD was 6 weeks before having house guests. And it was still hard then...

hugmonkey · January 2013

I'd be honest--the same way I was with my mother. She said she was going to stay with me if I wind up on bedrest (I have placenta previa). I just said, "no, you're not." She said, "yes, I am and you're not going to argue this with me." I said, "No, you're not. Having you here will just add to my stress." She got over it

nyki06 · January 2013

Last time around I said that I didn't want anyone staying with us for the first week and then instead of having a homebirth I ended up transferring to the hospital so my parents stayed at my house while we were there, which was totally ok. As soon as I got home they packed up and left. The problem was that my aunt and uncle came and stayed with us (without asking) for like 2-3 days after we were home. It was HORRIBLE. My husband was stuck between the role of being a good host and tending to me, which lead to many breakdowns. I felt intruded on and was so happy when they finally left. I should also mention that those are people that I generally enjoy having over greatly. I would just let them know now that they can stay while you're in the hospital and if they would like to stay longer than that they can stay in a hotel, maybe suggest they check Priceline for good deals.

ArmyWife114 · January 2013

Jgiesbrecht:
Of The Eld:
Book them a hotel. when they act butthurt about it, just make your eyes really wide and say something about how you "just thought that was how it was discussed, considering we wouldn't be up for paying all the attention to MIL and FIL that they deserve"

This. She's had babies before and although she doesn't remember it- you could always ask her if she had house guests. While having a baby is an exciting time, it's not a party, nor a "vacation." I didn't even let my own mother come to stay with us. I waited until DD was 6 weeks before having house guests. And it was still hard then...

This exactly. We told people they could come out for Christmas (was due day after, little guy born Dec. 1 though), but there was no way they were staying with us (also helps we only have a 2 bedroom house, and nowhere to put air mattresses and no sofa bed). I literally declared that NO ONE (not even my own mother) was welcome to stay with us when they visited, everyone needed to find a hotel or something.

Even having 6 extra people during the day SUCKED. It was great when it was us and my parents/sister, but once my in-laws got here, all *** broke loose. My in-laws literally shoved my husband and I out of the way anytime we tried to take care of DS, saying that "we shouldn't have to do that" or "[ I ] shouldn't have to cook dinner when [ I've ] been doing SO MUCH to take care of [ my ] parents for a week." I was extremely offended because 1. I love to cook and it felt like they were sticking their nose up in the air about my food and declaring it not good enough for them to eat, 2. our neighbors and friends were super generous and gave us meals for almost 3 weeks after our son was born, so we had A TON of extra meat and such in the freezer and since my MIL just got laid off, offering to cook was our way of trying to save them some money since they already spent a good bit to come out to see us, and 3. because it felt like they were implying that my parents had sat there and demanded I take care of them and that they were superior because they didn't "need" to be taken care of (completely opposite, they asked if I wanted help when I was doing something or asked if I'd like it if they got DS when he started to cry if I was doing something else, unlike my in-laws who shoved me out of the way). I'm big into the asking if someone needs/wants help not assuming kind of attitude, and unfortunately, my in-laws assume so it grates on me. I'm grateful they love DS and want to help, I just wish we could find a middle ground between assuming and asking that made it less grating on me emotionally.

If you can, I would say make sure you've adjusted to being the three of you now before you let people visit (even if they don't stay with you). We had adjusted to it, and it was still incredibly difficult on me emotionally.

Bride-hilda · January 2013

Is she coming over to HELP, or to visit?

Kingston54 · January 2013

It all depends on you. I get along great with my MIL and she has very few irritating qualities and I would still not want her staying with us after we get home. I think that's a very sensitive time for a new mom - body changes, adjusting, etc. Plus you need that time to get used to the baby, etc. I'd have your DH address it and tell her that you would like them to come once you're settled in.

Disneygeek77 · January 2013

This is well within your control and you are very justified to say that them staying with you won't work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Listen, there are times in your life when it is ok to be selfish or to look out for your best interests. THis is one of them. If you don't want them in your home ( and I don't blame you one bit) you have every single right to say so. Simply tell them it won't work, be vague on purpose do not give details.

I also wanted to say that I have been on these boards for a while now and one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again are when FTMs say they wish they didn't have unhelpful guests in their home after they had a baby. It just made a stressful time even worse. Since these are going to be short precious days that you will never get back, stand up for what you want and need and tell them they can stay at a hotel. That is not rude at all and they will just have to get used to it.

RJM050705 · January 2013

For me it was my mom not MIL who got all miffed that she has to wait at least a week before coming (she lives 1500 mi away). But as much as I love her, I don't care! The first week home is going to be me, DH and LO settling in, getting to know each other. If people want to come for SHORT (30-60 min) visits, bring food, do the dishes, that's cool. But no way am I entertaining that first week. I want us to have time to get to know each other before DH goes back to work. If I thought my mom would actually come and take care of ME and the house, I'd let her come earlier, but I'm not convinced. And she could stay with a friend of hers who lives about 25-30 mins from us, but I know she'd want to be here all day and I want DH to have as much time with LO since he's only taking 1 week and I'm taking 12.

Your DH needs to tell them that they need to find somewhere else to stay!

dclsboo235 · January 2013

I needed the support after ds was born. Transitioning from lack of sleep and needed some one on one time with hubbs as well as just shower time. I loved having the help and some down time too. My mom stayed through labor and delivery and dh mom lives here. I probably wont get that same attention this time round abd i could really use it haha. Itll kyst depend on how you feel. Talk to dh about it.

dclsboo235 · January 2013

Also the hotel idea is good thats where my mom stayed and if they get butt hurt tell them you thought they would enjoy the full nights sleep and some down time for themselves. ??

cellomusic11 · January 2013

I would tell them that you can't entertain guests after you've had a baby and you would appreciate it if they would get a hotel room before you came home.

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