A lot of people have posted recently about how friendships and relationships change after losses like ours, because people don't understand or aren't very understanding.
Well, I feel like I'm going to lose my relationship with my sister. I don't want to...we have been through a lot together, and she has always been there for me (and I have been there for her) . But she has no clue what I'm going through, and doesn't seem to care that she doesn't. She's a doctor, and has basically been treating me like one of her patients...which isn't what I need right now. Also, whenever we talk she is pre-occupied with my nephew (her only son, who is 20 months old). In the few weeks since my m/c, she hasn't ONCE asked me how I'm doing, she can only talk about herself.
I really really don't want to lose this relationship. But I don't know how to save it at this point. We live on different continents and rely on email and Facebook, with the occasional Skype or phone call if we're both awake and home at the same time. Right now I can't stand the Skype or phone calls with her (she's too busy talking about herself).
Is there anything I can do to save this?
Re: I think I'm losing my relationship with my sister...
Im so sorry that you are going through this-it is very frustrating when someone who should be a great source of support is not being there for you like you would hope. My suggestion would be to draft a letter to her (without sending it yet) to get all of your feelings out on paper. I recently did this with my stepmother because she has not asked even once how i was doing (nor acknowledge my mc). I was hurt and frustrated. Getting my feelings out on paper helped me figure out what I would want to say if I did approach her about it. Whether or not I'll send the letter, I don't know, but it was helpful to get it off my chest. Maybe start by doing that and then when you get to the point where you want to approach your sister about how you are feeling, your thoughts are gathered and ready to go.
Hugs!
DX: Septate Uterus. Septum resection 6/4/13
first off *HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSSS*
Second, maybe your sister doesnt know how to relate or its uncomfortable for her to talk about because she cant. I know my family doesnt get my emotional breakdowns sometimes or why Im still upset. I get that half eye roll thing from them, as if they are saying get over it already. SInce you connect mostly through email maybe write her an email and explain how she is making you feel and that you feel a distance between you because of it. Just some compassion or an aknowledgment of your pain from her can do wonders for you. Then you have at least did and say what you could.
I hope that you can mend your relationship. I have a sister who isnt talking to our family and we keep trying and reaching out. SHe isnt ready yet, she has her demons to work through. I just keep praying that someday her heart is softened and she realizes she needs us just as much as we need her.
Best of luck Avion!
Married my very own GI Joe May 2002
::hugs:: so sorry you have to deal with this.
Have you actually told her how she makes you feel? While it's obvious to you, it may not be quite as obvious to her- she may have no idea she's hurting you. She SHOULD know, but it's possible she doesn't. I find that when people don't understand, because they've not been in the same situation, they may not grasp how they should (or shouldn't) act towards us. She simply may not realize how bad you're hurting.
And because it's a relationship you actually want to hold on to and keep, I would just speak with her. Whatever means you're comfortable with, since she's far away. Facebook message, an e-mail, whatever. Sometimes words come to us easier on paper.
I hope it gets better!
Thanks for the replies. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be insensitive. She's very logical, practical, and level-headed (all qualities that usually make her excellent in a crisis!), but she's never been through a pregnancy loss and doesn't really understand. Plus, she's a busy mom with a high-stress career. I tried opening up to her early on (like two days after the D&C) and she basically gave me the whole, "This is really common, it happens a lot" speech (which felt like "I don't understand why you're so upset, this is extremely common and you had to know it was a real possibility...").
I think I'll try drafting a letter and see what comes out.
this. One thing I have realized through all of this is how much I didn't know about relating to someone who is grieving. Before I would have assumed to not talk about it to the person, but being in the situation, I usually WANT to talk about my LO and I def. want acknowledgement that people know that I am in pain and hurting. I just don't think most people know what you need right now,
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
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BFP #1 08/05/12. EDD 4/15/13 m/c 08/27/12
BFP #2 06/05/13. EDD 2/16/2014 (Team Blue). Baby Wombat born 2/20/2014 7lb. 11oz and 20 in.