To tell, or not...

iErica · December 2012

I was chatting with my best friend this morning, she is also TTC and has had a loss (two, versus my one). We were having a conversation on our views of when we think we'll tell everyone we're pregnant.

The support I got when I had my loss was amazing (I was over 10 weeks along, FYI)- I had basically announced it to the world at that point, and I didn't feel as though it were being constantly slapped in my face or anything. I felt like I had amazing support, and I truly couldn't have gone through it without everyone. Turns out I had a ton of friends (unfortunately) who had had previous losses, too, and everyone knew exactly what to say to pull me out of my funk. Because of that, I think when I become pregnant again I won't hesitate to share "earlier" on.

My best friend, however, said because of her losses she will wait quite awhile to share- literally, until she starts to show and can't hide it. It was hard for her to "back track" and tell everyone what happened.

Which do you fall under? Obviously, however we do it is right for US and our situation, I'm just curious..

KatieRose09 · December 2012

I am with your friend. We won't be telling anyone until it's impossible to hide...with the exception of our parents. So even siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles will be surprised to find out how far along we are. Fingers crossed we make it to that point.

GavinRonansMom · December 2012

I got back and forth on this topic, and I had a friend in a position. I had a late loss (19w 3d) and so everyone knew and could tell I was pregnant. I got amazing support from everyone.

That said I will probably tell close friends and family pretty early on. Then everyone else I see probably after first tri. I won't put anything on fb until probably 20 weeks and I am later than I previous loss...of course this idea changes on a regular basis.

Avion22 · December 2012

Our loss was also at about 10 weeks. We hadn't done a big announcement, but a lot of people knew I was pregnant. Due to the hazardous nature of my job, I had to tell my boss right away, and had to change my duties (basically to desk-work) right away, so a lot of people at work either were told (need-to-know) or guessed. Since my boss and many coworkers were going to know, we told our families and a few close friends right away.

I'm glad that people knew I was pregnant and are aware of our loss. My boss has been very compassionate and understanding, and people at work have been very sensitive to my situation. We couldn't imagine going through this without our families and closest friends being aware of our loss. So next time (hopefully there will be a next time), we still plan on telling those closest to us, and those who NEED to know, right away. I couldn't imagine going through a miscarriage without the support and compassion of my family, friends, and work supervisor.

Edited to add: My SIL (who is vey sweet, but generally clueless about stuff like this) told my husband "Well, THAT is exactly why you shouldn't tell anyone so soon!" My response, when he told me she said that, was "Fine then, next time we won't tell her!"

alleycat39 · December 2012

I fall on the side of telling family and close friends on the early side after first u/s. That way if something happens, we have the support. As for sharing the news with the world ie: fb, I think we would wait until about 20 weeks. I'm a very open book with my life and feel that if sharing my story can help any other friends out, I'm more than happy to share and talk.

psychmajormom · December 2012

GavinRonansMom:
I got back and forth on this topic, and I had a friend in a position. I had a late loss (19w 3d) and so everyone knew and could tell I was pregnant. I got amazing support from everyone.
That said I will probably tell close friends and family pretty early on. Then everyone else I see probably after first tri. I won't put anything on fb until probably 20 weeks and I am later than I previous loss...of course this idea changes on a regular basis.

My exact thoughts on this particular topic.

jokyho · December 2012

We had only told our parents and siblings and 2 friends when we were pregnant. I found out about my loss at our 12 week appointment. I will tell our parents and my sister early again, because they were supportive and helped us move forward. The rest of our siblings will have to wait until after our milestone I think.

km_md · December 2012

I'm also back and forth on this one. And I'm sure it will change again when I actually get pregnant again. After our loss, we both swore that next time we wouldn't tell anyone. Except I'd have to tell my mom early on. Last time, we only told our immediate family and I told my best friend, but people seemed to share information that wasn't theirs to share, so more people knew. We weren't planning on telling anyone until after 12 weeks. But I'm torn now. I want to keep it a secret and just have DH and I know until I feel safer so that I don't have to "untell" people, but at the same time, we received a ton of support after our loss and I also don't feel that it would be fair to not be able to enjoy another pregnancy and share our happy news. Like I said though, when you actually get pregnant again, there are going to be so many emotions that it is hard to say what you will want to do.

mayonegg · December 2012

We only had only told family and a few close friends. Our families expressly told us that they do not want to know if it happens again because they don't want to have to keep a secret that goes no where again (yes, I know, lovely, right? and both sides separately without talking) so, we will not be telling them, they will find out with everyone else when we decide to announce. We decided we will only tell my best friend (and her fiance) and DH's best friend (and wife). They knew last time and were by far the most supportive. We *think* we will announce to everyone after 12 weeks, but reserve the right to change our minds when the time comes.

iErica · December 2012

km_md:
But I'm torn now. I want to keep it a secret and just have DH and I know until I feel safer so that I don't have to "untell" people, but at the same time, we received a ton of support after our loss and I also don't feel that it would be fair to not be able to enjoy another pregnancy and share our happy news.

I feel that way, also.
As nervewracking as the next pregnancy will be (for fear of loss), I HOPE that all the happiness and excitement I have outweighs that, and I want to celebrate.

Interesting to see the different view points, and I imagine it's hard to actually know what will happen until you're in the moment.

ILoveRedVino · December 2012

Mine was a later loss (20 weeks), so everyone knew I was pregnant. While the support was amazing, we'll be quieter next time. Our parents will know around 8 weeks, siblings and close friends will know after the first tri, and extended family and other friends won't know until after an anatomy scan. I just hope it falls during a time of year when bulky sweaters can hide a growing bump.

waterfall11 · December 2012

I will tell a few close friends/family members but I definitely won't let DH announce to the world. My loss was at 14.5 weeks so we had told everyone and made a FB announcement. I don't plan to announce on FB at all next time, or definitely after 20+ weeks. I do appreciate the support I received but I don't need the world to know I am pregnant. Recently DH had a coworker ask how the pregnancy is going and my loss was 3 months ago.

buggirl72 · December 2012

My first loss was also at 20 weeks. MH told his mom and sister as soon as I got a positive (4w5d) and before my first beta was back. I told him he should have waited. He also pretty much announced it to every single person he knows via work. This made it incredibly difficult for him (and still does) as he had a lot of people to inform about our loss. I waited until after the NT scan to announce. I was an early popper so by the time school started I was already showing and my friends at school were very supportive.

With this most recent loss, MH said he wanted to wait until after the first u/s and seeing a HB before telling MIL and SIL. I'm not sure if he would have waited even later than that. Only "bad" thing in not telling was that the day I actually miscarried was the day his niece and nephew were dropped off to stay with us over the weekend. I did not need that but DH did not want to tell his family what was going on. Since he is still running into people that he has to tell about Zachary I wasn't going force him to announce another loss to his family.

If we get pg again, who the fluck knows.

heather52904 · December 2012

KatieRose09:
I am with your friend.nbsp; We won't be telling anyone until it's impossible to hide...with the exception of our parents.nbsp; So even siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles will be surprised to find out how far along we are.nbsp; Fingers crossed we make it to that point.

This. We told our parents and siblings after our ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat. We asked them not to tell anyone, and I think that was hard for them because they were excited and thought we were overly cautious. I didn't really find our families to be supportive, so we will be waiting longer to tell them next time. When we tell will depend on when I get a BFP, but probably at least 12 weeks. It would be hard to hide not drinking or morning sickness if we see family, so holidays or other family plans could force us to tell earlier.

As far as telling everyone else, I think we will wait until I am showing. FB may wait until a birth announcement!

skeppler1 · December 2012

We were so excited to be pregnant that we told two friends, the parents and my little sister, who is my best friend, that we were pregnant right away. It turned out that it was ectopic so we basically had to tell them right away that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I wasn't that far along and we caught it really early which was good, but it was still hard to go back and tell people that it was ectopic.

Next time I think we will definitely wait until we are out of the woods to tell people. I know I will definitely be cautious until then anyways.

I still might tell my parents since they were a HUGE help getting through all of the emotional distress. Could not have done it without them and my DH.

Good luck to all you ladies....and Happy New Year!!

samjen2010 · December 2012

We will be waiting much longer to tell next time. Close friends and family won't find out until 2nd trimester and everyone else probably at 20 weeks. Although I did get a lot of support, I learned that even those closest to me can't keep a secret which was very frustrating. Lesson learned.

bunnybun4 · December 2012

GavinRonansMom:
I got back and forth on this topic, and I had a friend in a position. I had a late loss (19w 3d) and so everyone knew and could tell I was pregnant. I got amazing support from everyone.
That said I will probably tell close friends and family pretty early on. Then everyone else I see probably after first tri. I won't put anything on fb until probably 20 weeks and I am later than I previous loss...of course this idea changes on a regular basis.

this. I can not imagine having a mc and having to just bear it while no one knows how broken your heart is. I was really thankful that most people also knew about our loss so everyone was super sensitive to me and gave me space.

We told our parents right away and slowly told close friends. Dh was adamant that we wait to tell the world until our ob appt. at 12 weeks and some days and will def be that way again this time. I think we will still tell our parents super early but will be more cautious with friends.

ball.and.chain · December 2012

Our families, close friends, boss and closest co-worker knew we were doing IVF, so we told them the day of my positive beta. I told a few more people after the second and third betas, but we definitely weren't out to everyone (and certainly not on FB). The m/c was discovered at my first u/s and probably would have been discovered earlier if I'd had my first u/s earlier, so I think I'll feel comfortable telling family and a few friends only once I've seen the heartbeat on an u/s and/or at 8w since that's about when this m/c was discovered. I would not tell anyone IRL before that. I'll probably try to keep it from my boss, co-worker and other friends until 2nd Tri.

In some ways I am glad there were a lot of people in our lives that knew, because I didn't have to pretend to be OK afterward. It was almost harder to be around people who didn't know anything because I had to fake it and it took a while to be able to do that (not even sure I'm there yet). On the other hand, I spent an hour the afternoon of my u/s writing emails to people to tell them what happened, because I was afraid if I didn't tell them right away they would send me some happy "how-are-you-feeling-how's-the-baby" message, and that sucked. If people didn't know I was pregnant, I could still have told select people about the m/c but could have done it when I was ready and not the first day I knew about it.

ravenclaw1 · December 2012

My sister always knows practically before the pee is dry, along with one or two friends. Immediate family knew early on of the first, found out about the second after the loss.

We'll tell all the people who know about our struggles early on next time. Their help has been amazing, and we need them around.

There will not be a FB announcement until I have a living child in my arms. For several reasons. I'm private, I don't want to suffer through a potential loss publicly, and I want to protect any friends and family who may have problems TTC from any AW or potentially hurtful things.

MrsR0511 · January 2013

We told a few family members and ours BFFs only last time so I think that's how we'll be again next time. I ended up telling more people about it after the mc happened and I was able to talk about it without crying and found a lot of others who had previous mc that I was unaware of so that helped me cope.

Junebug060609 · January 2013

I've done both.

First pregnancy the only one that knew was my bff...and that was because she was coming to visit and was pg herself. I knew she'd be onto me with what I avoided eating and drinking. That one ended in an early loss. Second pg we didn't tell anyone until second tri. That pg resulted in my son. Third pg we told our immediate family after seeing the hb at 7w. That one ended in a mmc.

We haven't discussed it yet, but we'll likely wait until somewhere around the NT scan to share next time. I felt awful calling the grandparents and breaking their hearts this last time.

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