Young women: career vs. family?

rayne17 · December 2012

*Before I write this post, i would like to say that this is all my opinion, and not a black and white issue. Obviously the things i say DO NOT apply to all women; it is just my observation of a recent trend, and what i feel personally. *

Everyone knows the average age for marriage is rising, and that women are waiting longer and longer to have children. This is largely because of the fact that the majority of women are choosing to finish college and start their careers before marrying or starting a family. Along with this is the idea that all women should conform to this average age. I just finished my first semester of college, so i understand the importance of an education and career. And of course its fine to focus on these things first. But I have a problem with the fact that women who do not want to do those things first are looked down upon as stupid or not ambitious enough. i consider my self a feminist(please do not attach yourself to the negative connotation of that word), I'm all for female empowerment and constructing a stable life for ourselves. But I also want a family, and I don't want to wait until I'm 30 to start one. I'm sure there are a lot of other women who feel the same way. I want to get married and have children while I'm in my early twenties, but the norms today tell me that isn't a good idea. If f I choose to ignore these norms, and do what I want with my own life (go figure), I will have judgement cast over me, especially from my family, who will think I'm putting my education on a backburner. Why can't women get married while in college? Or have children while creating their career? Or better yet, have the freedom to choose when/if to marry and have children, without feeling pressure and condescendment from those with a different opinion?

nikisnow · December 2012

Who cares if people judge you? Why does their opinion matter? Have kids whenever you want. Work. Don't work. Do what makes you happy. Once you have kids you'll get plenty of judgement for your parenting decisions. Get used to it.

rayne17 · December 2012

This post wasn't me venting about how worried I am about other people's opinions. I just wanted to share something that I've noticed and get other people's perspectives on it. I also just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way. But thanks for the reply

DebateThis · December 2012

Typically the reason people judge "young" moms for skipping an education or some formal job training and popping out babies is because it's foolish with no plan for the future (which is a hallmark of decisions made by young people in a multitude of situations).

If you have a child before 25, you're statistically more like to be of lower income, uneducated, on financial assistance, and wind up divorced. You're also less likely to have health/life insurance and any sort of established credit or be able to purchase a home, which in the US is one of the first steps to financial security. Also, if you have a child prior to establishing work history and a resume, it can be next to impossible to break into the job market in any sort of meaningful career later on, which puts you in a bind should anything happen to your SO because you won't have work experience to fall back to support your family. That's not to say that all younger women/couples are trainwrecks waiting to happen - but these are the common reasons why it's smart to wait (if possible) til you're an established adult w/ some sort of education or training before getting married and starting a family.

I absolutely don't "look down on" women who want to be a "only" a mom. DH and I started TTC when I was 22 and that's certainly very young. But the best thing a woman can do for her kids (assuming she has the opportunities available to her) is to make sure she is financially secure before bringing them into the world, and most late teens/early 20's women/couples are not.

And just as a note: your post is obviously written by a teenager (you are no older than 18, right, given your post in March where you said you were 17) who wants everything RIGHTNOW. The reasons the norms are telling you to wait is because it really is best to not have babies so young. Use your head to make these decisions, not your ovaries.

Stategrl21 · December 2012

I understand what you're saying but I think you're complicating it. My DH and I got married when we were both 23. We were early in our careers and not at a place to afford a child. We are now 28 and in those nearly 5 years a lot has changed that puts us in a much better place. We've bought a house, my DH started his own business that has grown significantly in the last two years, I just completed my CPA requirements and was licensed.
I can tell you for a fact that had we had a child right away, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish most of that. My DH wouldn't have had the freedom to take a drastic cut in pay to start his own business, I wouldn't have had time to work full time and study 30 hours a week, and I don't think we would have been able to buy our particular home.

When I was younger I wanted kids ASAP. Now that we've waited and seen what life has had for us, I'm thankful we waited until now to start trying. We are in a much better place and will have less financial/career stress when we have a baby.

kcisthebombdotcom · December 2012

Its because times have changed. My grandfather raised a family of 6 children in a 3500 sq ft house on solely an electrician's salary. That's just not possible anymore. My dad chose the same career path and struggled financially with just me. For our kids generations, the costs are even worse. The overwhelming majority of people in their early 20s simply cannot afford all the expenses of a child.

The COL nowadays vs in previous generations is incomparable. I paid $8,000 to deliver both my children after hospital bills were said and done. My grandparents couldn't have managed that. Heck, my parents couldnt have managed that. That's the norm in health insurance today though.

Not only expenses play into the picture. I SAH with two small children and it's hard. Juggling college/work/kids only makes life that much harder. I have a friend who recently finished school. It took her 5 years to finish what the average college student could have done in 2 years. She had to manage working, school work and her child all at the same time. She sacrificed a lot of time away from her child due to that decision. Sure, it's worth it since she now can provide for him financially. She did sacrifice a lot of time with him to do that though. I am glad I waited until we could really afford it and I could be at home with the kids vs rushing into it when I was younger and having to juggle work/school at the same time.

kiki1978 · December 2012

I honestly have never judged people who had children earlier in life and I haven't seen too many people who do so. I have wondered about people who had kids young when they didn't have jobs or a plan to take care of the child. I think that's where you are getting most of the "looking down" on younger parents. If you have a good job, day care, and a plan for how you will be able to provide for your child then I think it's fine. I have to say though as someone who is trying when I'm older, I'm glad I waited and didn't have kids in college. I feel like I'm in a much more stable place now then I was when I was finishing school/starting my career.

anssett · December 2012

There's a really big difference between waiting until you have a life plan in place, and waiting until other people decide you're ready. At 18 your body is going nuts. It wants to have babies like CRAZY. But only you know whether you can really provide for babies right now. If you have a partner in place to pay for all the expenses and you can stay home with no career ever, you're set. It gives you NO fall back options if things don't work out, but technically you're set. If you believe you can go to school full time, become a parent, and still have some semblance of sanity, I highly suggest you talk to some women who are trying to do that.

I knew at 17 I wanted to be a mom and that ridiculous baby reaction started then. I'm now 32 and have my life in place to start TTC. Yes, it's a bit older than some women need, but I had a lot I wanted to do. I got some education (a PhD). I became a woman I'm proud of (years of therapy, publications, patents, LOTS OF TRAVEL). I got myself financially stable (nice career with health care benefits and lots of leave time). I'm stable with a grown man who has also done all these things. For me, I wasn't ready before 32 to have babies. If you can accomplish this stuff at 18, rock on...but I don't know a single person who has. That's why people have reactions you read as judgement. We know how hard it is because we're grown up and have been through these many things you haven't yet.

gamergirl522 · December 2012

TL;DR, please use paragraphs.

rayne17 · December 2012

Thanks for your reply. First of all, I would like to say that I am not skipping an education, and I do have a plan. I didn't share it because that's not what my post is about. I'm not asking for peoples opinions on what I should do. I was just sharing an observation and how i feel that women now have to choose between marrying and starting a family vs. starting a career. As if we have to put marriage on a backburner in order to pursue an education. Its a conflict I have, and I wanted to know if anyone had/has the same issue. This is a problem for me as my boyfriend wants to get married soon, but I want to get at least halfway through college first. It's a role conflict between two very important life events that tend to naturally occur at the same time. Second point: I know all about statistics. But that's all they are. Every single person does not fit in a statistic. As a girl who grew up with an absent fatherwho was a druggie, hit my mom, and went through a couple stints in jail I was less likely to do well in school and go to college, more likely to have behavioral/emotional disorders, more likely to commit crime, more likely to be in poverty, more likely to be promiscuous, and more likely to engage in drug abuse. But NONE of those things are true. My mom and I have never been rich by any means, but we have never been impoverished or on any sort of financial assistance except unemployment, and that is because my mom works with special needs kids at a school, so she isn't employed during the summer. I've always gotten good grades and am currently in college, and made all A's and B's for the first semester. And yes, you may think I'm promiscuous because of my post a while back where I thought I may be pregnant. But that guy was the first and only man I've ever had sex with, we had been dating for a year, and we still are now, with plans to get married. I understand that it is smart to wait and establish a career, and I plan on doing that, or at least finishing most of my education first. But at this age, I naturally want to start a family, but I also feel the need to put it off, which is what creates the pressure. Like you said, I am young18 and yes, I want everything right now, but is that not normal? I know I want all these things, but if I was really rash about it, I would be at the chapel right now, not posting sociological observations online. I want to get married, but not right this second. Yes, I want children, but my ovaries aren't making my decisions for me, other wise I would be "popping out babies". They are however, causing pressure between what I should do, and what the smart thing to do is, and the other things i desire right nowmarriage and a family. So to clear it up, I will say it again: I know what the easiest thing to do is, I just feel pressure between two desires that seemingly can't happen at the same time. I was not asking for opinions on what I should do or what the statistics are for women who marry and have kids young. I was trying to see if anyone else felt this pressure as well

kiki1978 · December 2012

I do not see that anyone was trying to tell you what to do as much as trying to tell you why they chose to wait. You also asked about the "judgement" on younger mothers and PP told you reasons why people would/would not judge younger mothers. I think many people on here answered your OP and that you don't need to be defensive about it.

Stategrl21 · December 2012

rayne17:
Thanks for your reply. First of all, I would like to say that I am not skipping an education, and I do have a plan. I didn't share it because that's not what my post is about. I'm not asking for peoples opinions on what I should do. I was just sharing an observation and how i feel that women now have to choose between marrying and starting a family vs. starting a career. As if we have to put marriage on a backburner in order to pursue an education. Its a conflict I have, and I wanted to know if anyone had/has the same issue. This is a problem for me as my boyfriend wants to get married soon, but I want to get at least halfway through college first. It's a role conflict between two very important life events that tend to naturally occur at the same time. Second point: I know all about statistics. But that's all they are. Every single person does not fit in a statistic. As a girl who grew up with an absent fatherwho was a druggie, hit my mom, and went through a couple stints in jail I was less likely to do well in school and go to college, more likely to have behavioral/emotional disorders, more likely to commit crime, more likely to be in poverty, more likely to be promiscuous, and more likely to engage in drug abuse. But NONE of those things are true. My mom and I have never been rich by any means, but we have never been impoverished or on any sort of financial assistance except unemployment, and that is because my mom works with special needs kids at a school, so she isn't employed during the summer. I've always gotten good grades and am currently in college, and made all A's and B's for the first semester. And yes, you may think I'm promiscuous because of my post a while back where I thought I may be pregnant. But that guy was the first and only man I've ever had sex with, we had been dating for a year, and we still are now, with plans to get married. I understand that it is smart to wait and establish a career, and I plan on doing that, or at least finishing most of my education first. But at this age, I naturally want to start a family, but I also feel the need to put it off, which is what creates the pressure. Like you said, I am young18 and yes, I want everything right now, but is that not normal? I know I want all these things, but if I was really rash about it, I would be at the chapel right now, not posting sociological observations online. I want to get married, but not right this second. Yes, I want children, but my ovaries aren't making my decisions for me, other wise I would be "popping out babies". They are however, causing pressure between what I should do, and what the smart thing to do is, and the other things i desire right nowmarriage and a family. So to clear it up, I will say it again: I know what the easiest thing to do is, I just feel pressure between two desires that seemingly can't happen at the same time. I was not asking for opinions on what I should do or what the statistics are for women who marry and have kids young. I was trying to see if anyone else felt this pressure as well

You will have many more people read this if you were willing to use paragraphs. No one wants to try and read through a giant block of text.

krose83013 · December 2012

Honestly, I just finished my Masters this past summer and I'm thrilled about the way my career has taken off over the past 4 years. We are getting married August 2013 but we've been discussing plans for a baby. I'm most likely going to take a hit with my career when I have kids. I currently commute 93 miles one way to work so once I have kids I'm thinking that I'm going to look for a job closer to home. It's not that I lack ambition. My ambition has gotten me where I am today. But it's a quality of life. We want to try to conceive sooner rather than later because there is a chance that I may have some issues with fertility.

It's all a matter of opinion, but I'm not going to let other people dictate how I live my life and plan my family.

kcisthebombdotcom · December 2012

Honestly OP, you sound a lot like me when I was 18. I had a boyfriend I was 100% sure I was going to marry and couldnt wait to have kids with. We got engaged my sophomore year of college. When people told me to wait, I would have gladly used statistics against them since I beat the odds too. Twelve years later, I can tell you I was wrong even though I firmly believed I was right at the time. It's tough for you to fathom something you haven't fully gone through yet, but you will change so, so much in the next 7+ years. Your late teens/early-mid twenties is a time where you're just learning about yourself and what you want your life to be. Most young marriages fail because people change so drastically in those years and you're not going to know if you and your current bf will grow apart from the changes until you look in retrospect.

Another great point in waiting is getting to enjoy all the phases on their own. Graduating college, starting a career, buying a home, getting married, your first year of marriage, having a baby--those are all amazing times in your life. You can do a bunch of them all at the same time and live to tell the tale-- but you get to appreciate those times more if you're not doing them at the same time. Putting off marriage/kids until you've established an adult relationship (because at 18 you're not there yet) is a far better path for everyone involved.

If you get married/have a baby with this man and you find out that it wasn't the right person, you're going to have a long, difficult road ahead of you that will make life not only harder for you but your future child(ren). You owe it to them to wait and do things when you have the wisdom/experience to do them.

ajara001 · December 2012

I understand what you are saying about the judgement of others. I wanted the same things you do. I was so conflicted about going to school and wanting a family that I almost quit school so my husband and I could start sooner. After talking with my husband, I decided that I wanted to be a SAHM, BUT I also wanted to have a college education. So I finished school (time flew by) and now we are waiting to start TTC. For me, both were very important to accomplish...I decided that since these were exciting, difficult, and rewarding times in my life, I wanted to do them separately. To me, it seemed crazy to try and start a family while in school. Now that I have my degree, I feel 10x more ready to raise a child.

As you already said, I know you are not looking for opinions on what you should do--I'm just sharing my thoughts. Regardless if you want to work, go to school, have a family, or whatever, I think you should figure out what is most important to you and go from there. It is your life and you can do as little or as much as you want with it. Good luck!

nherring · December 2012

I understand where you are coming from and people will have those opinions, no matter what age you are, if you are still trying to get through school. I personally got married at age 25 and was still trying to finish my BA because I also had to work full time and we still waiting 4 years before having a baby. Had I been pregnant then, I would have never finished. I think that people think you are putting education on the back burner because child care is expensive and it will be really difficult to block out multiple hours of studying while trying to care for a baby. Had I gotten married in my early 20's and started our family, we would not be financially stable nor would I have been as mature as I am now. I am not saying you have to wait etc, I am just saying that being a little older and having a career where you can leave for maternity leave makes it so much easier than stressing about where the money is going to come from and how you will finish school. I am all about being super woman and doing it all. I think women are strong and for the most part, we can handle more than men. (hence childbirth) Just remember than everyone has an opinion and if you can make things work at a younger age, then your opinion is all that is going to matter in your life. Good luck with school and the baby!!

Sapphire922 · December 2012

I am very careerdriven. I got married during my first year in college, am about to graduate with my bachelors and we have decided to TTC. I plan on putting my kids in daycare. I think it's mostly sexist men who have the opinion that women shouldn't have a career in addition to a family.

kcisthebombdotcom · December 2012

Sapphire922:
I am very careerdriven. I got married during my first year in college, am about to graduate with my bachelors and we have decided to TTC. I plan on putting my kids in daycare. I think it's mostly sexist men who have the opinion that women shouldn't have a career in addition to a family.

I kind of chuckle at a woman who haven't even have kids yet who just know they're going to have a career and a family together. I was also career driven, but to use the stereotypical line "a baby changes everything". I was sure I would work and had a good paying middle management career but here I am a SAHM three years later. Having a child with special needs makes career seem even less important now. You never know what the future is going to be. I met moms who were the most career driven that gave up their careers when they had kids (or are deeply depressed they have to work) and I've met people who swore they would be SAHMs/seemed suited for it who ended up doing it for a while, hated it, and went back to work.

JNCPro3130 · December 2012

I know I am not the norm, but it really doesn't matter to me at all when people get married and have children. I am against having children that you can't afford (I'm a teacher and see parents with children that they can't provide for, yet have more children), but other than that, I think go for it.

I am 28, almost 29. I have been married for 3 years and we don't have children. I waited until I was out of college and had started a career, but that's what worked for me. I need to focus when studying is concerned, so trying to balance children and college would not have worked for me. Again, my personal opinion.

Having said that, I have one cousin that was married the same year as me and had a baby right away. She and her husband had to move back in with her parents. I don't think that was the best, but I don't judge her. She has a beautiful daughter and she is happy and cared for. I have another cousin who got pregnant at 19 and got married after her son was born. Her son is happy and cared for as well. They have recently bought a house and are happy.

I think there is not one right and wrong way. Having children is a huge responsibility and maturity to have children differs from person to person. Good luck to you and whatever decision you choose to make!

PokerChic85 · December 2012

DebateThis:
Typically the reason people judge "young" moms for skipping an education or some formal job training and popping out babies is because it's foolish with no plan for the future (which is a hallmark of decisions made by young people in a multitude of situations).
If you have a child before 25, you're statistically more like to be of lower income, uneducated, on financial assistance, and wind up divorced. You're also less likely to have health/life insurance and any sort of established credit or be able to purchase a home, which in the US is one of the first steps to financial security. Also, if you have a child prior to establishing work history and a resume, it can be next to impossible to break into the job market in any sort of meaningful career later on, which puts you in a bind should anything happen to your SO because you won't have work experience to fall back to support your family. That's not to say that all younger women/couples are trainwrecks waiting to happen - but these are the common reasons why it's smart to wait (if possible) til you're an established adult w/ some sort of education or training before getting married and starting a family.
I absolutely don't "look down on" women who want to be a "only" a mom. DH and I started TTC when I was 22 and that's certainly very young. But the best thing a woman can do for her kids (assuming she has the opportunities available to her) is to make sure she is financially secure before bringing them into the world, and most late teens/early 20's women/couples are not.
And just as a note: your post is obviously written by a teenager (you are no older than 18, right, given your post in March where you said you were 17) who wants everything RIGHTNOW. The reasons the norms are telling you to wait is because it really is best to not have babies so young. Use your head to make these decisions, not your ovaries.

This!!! Agree totally...

Bride-hilda · December 2012

People are going to judge you NO MATTER WHAT.

Sorry. I wrote a novel and decided to delete it.

I'll just say that I'm 32, I have work history but it's in a career path I want nothing to do with, but could do with it if I had to. DH and I both have educations. And we're just starting our family. I'm planning on being a SAHM, eventually. DH and I don't own a house, (we live in EXPENSIVEVILLE!) and DH is starting over in a new career field and he's still in the preparatory stages of that. We're just about broke and in a completely horrible time to have a baby, but we want a big family and decided we'd better start now!

At this point in our lives, we could easily be in our early 20's, just about. But we too felt the need (for different reasons perhaps) to start our family without stability, without a house, and without a bunch of crap people wait to have before having babies. We could be making a huge mistake, but it's a mistake we're determined to live with. And that's kind of been my philosophy: If you're going to make mistakes, make them knowing that they just may be horrible mistakes. Whenever we reach a hard patch I tell DH, "We knew it would be difficult, but it's going to be wonderful."

And you're right. Statistics don't mean anything... oh, except for the one's that do. Statistics are really, REALLY good warning-lights. Statistics are good at pointing out the fact that you're probably about to make a mistake; proceed with caution!

Like I said, make a "mistake," go for it. Just do it knowing that people generally don't do it because it makes life harder. Although, it might also just make life worth it.

Bride-hilda · December 2012

MelRC117:
Sapphire922:
I think it's mostly sexist men who have the opinion that women shouldn't have a career in addition to a family.
Ugh, who said that?

I think it's completely the opposite. I think sexist men would love for their wives to go out and make money while putting their child in day care. I hardly think a SEXIST man would want a woman to stay at home and watch the children.

Then again, it could go either way. But I think a sexiest man's opinion has nothing to do with the pressures of society to be a SAHM or a WM.

I think thinking that a sexist man would want a SAHM is a LIE we tell ourselves, especially those of us who work.

brookeelyse527 · December 2012

You can still start your career and have a baby at a young age. I am 23 years old, and I have been a full-time RN for almost 3 years now. I bought my first house 6 months ago all on my own. I will be getting married January 2013 and we will be starting to TTC that month, as well. Me and my fiance are financially stable and ready to have a baby. I plan on staying home a few months with the baby, and then returning to work full-time. Our family and friends are happy for us. No one is judging us at all. Do what you want to do with your life.

Want a personalized experience?

Young women: career vs. family?

Re: Young women: career vs. family?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards