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August 2012 Moms
The Day Wyatt Walked... GIF Story
This has been the most painful thing to write, because between losing all of my gifs twice and having to rewrite this once thanks to Google Chrome, I'm getting a little stabby over here.
First off I want to say to all of our FTMs that while having a kid who does stuff early makes Mommy wars with people you can't stand really, really fun, it is also really hard. Wyatt crawled at 5 months, took steps at 7 and walked at 9. First, finding shoes to fit an early walker is near impossible in Canada (Stride Rite in the US was a savior for us), most shoes before size 5 or even 6 are made to look cute, not to be practical. Also, when a kid walks before they've grown self awareness, they hurt themselves a LOT... like a lot a lot. You have to be a helicopter parent, because they do stupid things like walk into anything and everything, climb in kitchen drawers...
... and you cannot go ANYWHERE with a flight of stairs unless they have a gate. Do yourself a favor if you have an early crawler or walker, get yourself an extra collapsible baby gate and keep it in the car.
But I digress.
This story takes place on my 22nd birthday! Whooooo!
We had painted the house a couple days earlier, so it looked something like this...
But it was my birthday, H was home to help take care of Wyatt, and I couldn't give 2 flying f*cks about the mess, so I slept in until noon.
I finally got up out of obligation, because I figured I had to at least give H a chance to say happy birthday and all that jazz. So I waltzed out of our bedroom in my standard SAHM uniform, a tank top and boy shorts (careful not to get too excited, your screen might explode), all...
Or, well... maybe more like this:
I made my way to the couch with only one intention: to work a groove into it aaaaall damn day
H started talking about taking me out to dinner and stopping at Walmart
Translation: He needed to buy me a gift because he's a lazy bastard and forgot about my birthday
and we were more or less enjoying a lazy day until we got a knock at the door... and of course, who could it be but H's creepy, gangly Uncle K who we hadn't seen in well over a year.
Yep... throw a cowboy hat and a handlebar mustache on that muther***and that's pretty much what he looks like... that was my exact reaction too (Way to go, C_mo! 2 birds!)
H stalled him at the door for a bit while I ran to throw some pants on
When I got back out, there was K, standing in my kitchen with H saying:
'That's an interesting color choice...'
Yeah, some 50something year old man had just declared himself an interior designer and was critiquing my color choices ON MY BIRTHDAY... lucky me.
So we sat down at the table for some small talk, pretending to be happy to see him, all the while hoping he would leave within a half hour.
As it turns out, he wants to park his storage trailer in our yard! Whoopie, how everfucking exciting! Sure, go ahead and stick your old piece of sh!t trailer in our yard, just what we need, reassurance that we will most definitely see you again!
Three hours later, while we tried to go about our day, he was still there completely oblivious that he had long overstayed his welcome. So instead of leaving us along, he brought up his dating profile on plenty of fish...
Side note: If the fish look like this guy, you're swimming in the wrong sea.
He had just gone through his third divorce and his sister ill advisedly set him up a dating profile. Being the good ol' 'working' man that he was, he worried that if one of the trolls he was after messaged him, he wouldn't have time to respond... he didn't want them to think he was 'stuck up'
He asked me to delete it for him, so I sat down praying to God that if I completed this ridiculous task he might leave, and I found his real problem...
In his description he had himself listed as 'Rambling family man/cowboy who loves horses, adventure and rough sex'
Um, yes, it actually said rough sex. I kid you not.
If that wasn't bad enough on it's own, it basically translated to me as: 'Perverted old homeless man with Grand kids'
Apparently plenty of fish likes to keep it's school plentiful, because trying to delete a profile on that site is like pulling teeth. I tried a bunch of different things (pretty much clicking random buttons trying to find one that said 'GET THIS GUY OUT OF MY HOUSE') to no avail, while H sat in the living room playing with Wyatt. After almost an hour I was about to give up, which of course was when I heard H yell:
'OMG CAITLYN HE'S WALKING!'
So I run in the living room, and lo and behold, there is my tiny 9 month old baby, barely 16 lbs walking across the room, and I had missed it the first time he did it because I was running a fool's errand for a gross old man.
About 20 minutes later K had the nerve to ask me if I was going to keep working on deleting his profile, and I couldn't see through my rage long enough to be witty so I was just all...
I guess H sensed a little bit of tension because he said 'I don't think you'll have to worry too much about responses... haha'
Have I mentioned how much I love my husband?
Eventually K did leave... if he hadn't by now I may have hacked off his head with a dull butter knife... or at least locked him out of the house.
H took me to the most romantic place he knows... Walmart, where we let Wyatt walk around like a teeny tiny adult and heard a lot of 'OMG AWWWEEE!'s. Then we went for dinner and lived happily ever after.
Oh, and if anyone wants to know what it's like to shop with an early walker, a toddler, or any kid that is awake and can throw things, this sums it up nicely:
The end.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The Day Wyatt Walked... GIF Story
Ok and EW on the creepy uncle!!!!!!
DS #1 Born: 10/03/06, DS #2 Born: 08/06/12 My Cooking Blog
All. Of. This. Yes, I'm just a lurker, but I'm coming out if lurkerdom for this awesomesauce! :
I love story time.
As for the creepy uncle... Ugghhh! Had I missed a step because of him, I. Would. Have. FREAKED!
I only hope you don't miss your newest baby's steps. I'm sure you won't hold your tongue.
Same here!
Mom of 2 monkeys and 1 on the way!
Christian12/06, Liam 08/12, Monkey #3 10/10
Duh, Wyatt is too cute not to recognize!!
I also laugh at myself when I think I'm funny. But you are actually funny, I just think I am.
And never k ew your first name was Caitlyn! Learn something new every day! You tell the best stories! Keep them coming Caitlyn!!!!
This exactly