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August 2012 Moms
punkrockabye
member
When MIL knows everything
punkrockabye
member
MIL loves Paula. Which is great, since I used to wonder if she'd want to see her since it's my child, and she will always find fault in anything I do; I could do something purely nice for her and she'd pick it apart [she freaked out when we asked where their snowblower was so we could take care of their driveway?!], or I could simply try to eat my food and she'd insist it's NOT too hot for me, like what happened the other night. She'd bxtch if I blink too many times per minute. She couldn't get over how stupid we were to have our dog cremated so we could keep him because "it's weird." She actually insisted that we didn't really want that, so we shouldn't have done it [?!]
So yesterday, we ran some errands and she said she'd watch Paula while we were gone. I fed her before we left, then left a bottle with just over 4 ounces of pumped milk. Usually it's 4, but there was a tiny bit more in the pump bottle so I just left it.
Paula tends to fuss for a few seconds when she finishes a bottle but then she's fine. She only gets about 3 ounces from me when she nurses and she's perfectly happy after that, but I figure if she'll take 4 ounces from a bottle, an extra ounce won't hurt my peanut.
Cue MIL insisting that we "need to increase it SOMETIME." She never breastfed, and while some family members have, I don't think they did it exclusively or for very long. She rolled her eyes when I explained that BF babies tend to top out at around 4 ounces, and BM changes as the baby grows, unlike formula which stays the same and needs to increase over time. We'll see how that goes.
Another issue is the Bumbo seat. On counters and tables. While I'm confident that she doesn't put LO in the seat and walk away, it's still an elevated surface and it's dangerous unless you're immediately next to it. She got extremely defensive when I casually said "we tend to keep it on the floor, since she arches her back like that [as she just did] and I know some kids have fallen off of high surfaces that way, it freaks me out" instead of saying something like "this is awful, you're doing it wrong and you're a terrible grandmother for risking her life." But I might as well have said that because she insisted that it was fine, especially since she used it 5 years ago for the last baby who is still alive and well.
I know she's not an awful grandparent, her other 5 grandkids adore her and I was so worried LO wouldn't get to have that relationship with her. But even though I keep thinking I'm a bad parent who doesn't care enough or care in the right way [weird feelings, hard to explain] I'm still the parent and some things, I think, do need to be decided by me.
How do I put my foot down without being a major B? Keep in mind, it's been like this for over 10 years now. SO and I have a long history of being treated "differently" by this side of the family. I don't think she'll ever not find fault in everything we do, but when it comes to decisions I make for my kid [safety decisions even, she's made her views on rear facing in the car VERY clear], I think I need to be respected. It's just impossible to demand or expect that from her, so I'm not sure what to do. She's not even crazy like some MILs I've seen described here but she's pretty cold most of the time so she's critical of absolutely everything.
So yesterday, we ran some errands and she said she'd watch Paula while we were gone. I fed her before we left, then left a bottle with just over 4 ounces of pumped milk. Usually it's 4, but there was a tiny bit more in the pump bottle so I just left it.
Paula tends to fuss for a few seconds when she finishes a bottle but then she's fine. She only gets about 3 ounces from me when she nurses and she's perfectly happy after that, but I figure if she'll take 4 ounces from a bottle, an extra ounce won't hurt my peanut.
Cue MIL insisting that we "need to increase it SOMETIME." She never breastfed, and while some family members have, I don't think they did it exclusively or for very long. She rolled her eyes when I explained that BF babies tend to top out at around 4 ounces, and BM changes as the baby grows, unlike formula which stays the same and needs to increase over time. We'll see how that goes.
Another issue is the Bumbo seat. On counters and tables. While I'm confident that she doesn't put LO in the seat and walk away, it's still an elevated surface and it's dangerous unless you're immediately next to it. She got extremely defensive when I casually said "we tend to keep it on the floor, since she arches her back like that [as she just did] and I know some kids have fallen off of high surfaces that way, it freaks me out" instead of saying something like "this is awful, you're doing it wrong and you're a terrible grandmother for risking her life." But I might as well have said that because she insisted that it was fine, especially since she used it 5 years ago for the last baby who is still alive and well.
I know she's not an awful grandparent, her other 5 grandkids adore her and I was so worried LO wouldn't get to have that relationship with her. But even though I keep thinking I'm a bad parent who doesn't care enough or care in the right way [weird feelings, hard to explain] I'm still the parent and some things, I think, do need to be decided by me.
How do I put my foot down without being a major B? Keep in mind, it's been like this for over 10 years now. SO and I have a long history of being treated "differently" by this side of the family. I don't think she'll ever not find fault in everything we do, but when it comes to decisions I make for my kid [safety decisions even, she's made her views on rear facing in the car VERY clear], I think I need to be respected. It's just impossible to demand or expect that from her, so I'm not sure what to do. She's not even crazy like some MILs I've seen described here but she's pretty cold most of the time so she's critical of absolutely everything.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When MIL knows everything
I am sorry you are dealing with this, punk.
In all honesty, you are right. It is your's and your husband's child. She doesn't actually get any say in the way things are done. Now, coming out and saying it like that to her obviously won't work, but the next time you two have a disagreement I would firmly but kindly put my foot down.
i.e. the bumbo seat: when she came back with the retort that she did it 5 years ago with a kid who is still alive and well a response to the effect of "The warnings are there for a reason, and just because death didn't occur doesn't mean it was a safe practice. I am not trying to say your way is BAD, we just prefer the bumbo seat stay on the floor when Paula is in it." That way she just gets the idea that it isn't negotiable, but you aren't trying to put her down either.
I know it can be made even trickier now that you are staying with them, but keep in mind that you are 100% right. You are Paula's mom, and you are the one that ought to make those decisions.
I hope things work out better and your MIL gets to understand her boundaries when it comes to Paula.
I would just flat out tell her. When SO's mom tells me to do something [give him a tablespoon of CORN SYRUP to help his stomach settle, let him CIO when he was 4 weeks old, etc.], I just say,"Oh really? [in a non sarcastic way] Well, his pediatrician said 'this' so that's what we've been doing." or "Yea, I read that that used to be okay, but then the AAP researched it and..." She usually says okay and drops it.
She's an adult. No need to tip toe around her. Paula is your daughter and if keeping her safe makes you come off as a b!tch, then so be it.
SCANDAL!