Need advice re: MH

nittanyllama · December 2012

I wanted to type this last night but were are at my MIL's and I didn't get a chance. I'm basically trying to figure out if MH is cheating on me or if I'm overreacting.

Back story is that my husband is a flirt and has also been caught telling me some lies over the past few years. Not lies about women but more general lies which he thinks are NBD but it has hurt my trust in him.

So he has this coworker named R. She's very attractive. I admit I snoop through his phone because I don't completely trust him. About a year ago I found text messages where they called each other chick and duck as pet names in reference to the show Friends. When we went on vacation last year she emailed him saying how much she missed him.

This week I found a text sent from MH's office roommate J a fortysomething year old man which was a picture of R's chest with her clothes on. Then last night I ask MH if I can see any pics he took of Gavin on Xmas. I open his pictures and there's a pic of a completely naked woman who looks like R but isn't R and she has a tattoo. I look in his texts and the pic was sent from J with the caption "you never told me R has a tattoo".

I can't make sense of this. The only thing I keep thinking is J is implying MH has seen R naked. MH and I got in a huge fight he says J was just joking around and he's never cheated on me and he's pissed at me because he's sick of having this conversation all the time.

Am I overreacting? Would you be concerned? I'm sorry for typos I'm on my phone hiding at MIL's house. MH and I are awkwardly avoiding each other.

colliebabe · December 2012

Ugh so sorry this is happening NM. Honestly I am jaded when it comes to cheating. I've been cheated on, and I see cheating a lot...so I would lean toward yes, there is something to worry about. Unfortunately I am really bad at advice when it comes to this stuff. But I wanted to say sorry you have to deal with this at all.

And again, I am super sensitive to anything that looks or sounds like cheating. My mind immediately goes there.

thetheisens · December 2012

I don't believe him. You are not overreacting, especially if you have caught him in lies before. I would not be comfortable with my husband having a relationship with a female coworker that involved texting each other with pet names and I miss yous. Do you feel he is being honest? I would check his phone records. I know that may sound sneaky, but if you can' t trust that he is telling the truth I would want to know of he is calling/texting her often. Is he often late home? Are there times he leaves home that you question where he is?

rous27 · December 2012

I have had guy friends from work and college and I talked about them to MH telling him a funny joke the friend said. MH would joke around and say that I had a school husband. But this friend and I never had pet names for each other or crossed any boundaries because we didn't have reason to.

I don't know if YH is cheating, but I do think that the friendship with her has crossed boundaries and is making you uncomfortable. You said he is a flirt so maybe he has gone too far without realizing it. Let him know that his past actions with this woman has gone too far and has obviously given you reason to assume he is cheating. Hopefully he will back off and dial the friendship way down. I feel like his"friendly"flirting is sending her signals that he may want more and that is why she emailed him saying she missed him. So his actions have sent both of you women a sex type signal. He needs to stop that crap now. HTH.

vitan · December 2012

Nope, I'd be raising a major eyebrow. Regardless of whether he's cheating or not, I wouldn't be cool with MH texting with a female coworker and having pet names. I have a strict rule against buddy, buddy relationships with the opposite sex. I'm in the men/women can't be friends camp. I know that guys texts can get nasty so I'm not surprised J and YH had naked chicks on their phones but the fact that it resembles someone they know; not cool. His whole demeanor and reaction would definitely not sit well with me. This is tough but I would confront him again when heads are cool. I'd keep an eye on it all. Some women would say trust your man's word cuz that's all you got. I wish I would be strong like that but I would be very uncomfortable with him. In the end, I hope you're wrong and I hope these texts with that chick stop.

CMonkey515 · December 2012

It honestly don't know if YH is cheating is not. I certainly hope not. Either way his interactions with this woman are inappropriate. I know when people work closely for a long time there can be innocent flirtations from time to time. However, pet names and I miss yous cross the line. I agree with theisens about checking the phone records. It sucks to get to that point, but you need to know if he's talking to this chick on the regular.

It also sets off alarms for me when someone says they confronted their H and they totally blew up. I get that it sucks to be accused of doing something shady, but you'd think if they were innocent they would act a little more reassuring. When they blow up and act super defensive like that it makes them look guilty. At least that's what I think.

I really hope YH isn't cheating. Even so, I think you need to tell him how uncomfortable all of this had made you, and tell him to keep his relationship with R strictly business.

stardust317 · December 2012

I would be concerned. First of all, I would be ticked if DH had naked pics on his phone. I'm not one that gets wigged about DH looking at porn or pictures of naked women, but on his phone is inappropriate.

Secondly, pet names for a coworker is also crossing some sort of boundary.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but the information you have provided would raise some concerns in my book.

wilsontl19191 · December 2012

stardust317:
I would be concerned. First of all, I would be ticked if DH had naked pics on his phone. I'm not one that gets wigged about DH looking at porn or pictures of naked women, but on his phone is inappropriate.

Secondly, pet names for a coworker is also crossing some sort of boundary.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but the information you have provided would raise some concerns in my book.

All of this!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. Regardless of what is going on, it's inappropriate on his part and very disrespectful to your marriage. Hugs!

kagl08 · December 2012

wilsontl19191:
stardust317:
I would be concerned. First of all, I would be ticked if DH had naked pics on his phone. I'm not one that gets wigged about DH looking at porn or pictures of naked women, but on his phone is inappropriate.

Secondly, pet names for a coworker is also crossing some sort of boundary.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but the information you have provided would raise some concerns in my book.

All of this!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. Regardless of what is going on, it's inappropriate on his part and very disrespectful to your marriage. Hugs!

All of this! I have no other advice but wanted to say I'm sorry! I hope he isn't cheating but I do think you need to investigate more.

missyishere · December 2012

I agree with all the ladies. There is definitely a boundary crossed and some suspicious activity. I know I would do some investigating, but that's me. I would also ask him about it again once he's chilled out and you have more information. I hope it's just innocent flirtation and nothing more. And shame on J for encouraging bad behavior.

cantalopes24 · December 2012

I've never been cheated on and I am really not a jealous person. I'm also a huge flirt so a lot of stuff doesn't phase me. Also, I have no issues with porn and MH and I watch it together and I don't care if he looks at it without me. The huge red flags in this story are her saying she misses him and the picture. That is so over the line saying she misses him, especially because he's on vacation with his family. Why does he have pictures of naked women on his phone regardless of who they are? Looking at porn is one thing but carrying around photos of other women is odd. Even if it isn't physical it's clearly emotional and needs to stop.

Sammy-Mae · December 2012

So here is my thing. I have a hard time believeing the worst in people (except for my in laws, it's something I am working on). So when I read what you wrote this is what I thought. You are not over reacting. I would be pissed if I found what you did on the phone but my mind wouldn't leap right away to cheating. I will tell you why.

He doesn't mind you checking his phone for pictures. If he was cheating on you he would have withheld the phone or the picture would have been deleted. Also the pictures weren't sent by the woman. They were sent by the co-worker. He obviously doesn't care if you find it the pictures so to me it sounds like he thinks it's a NBD situation. Lack of trust is death to a relationship. I have seen a few relationships end now because of repeated cheating accusations. If this is a fight you have had before then it's possible that is why he blew up.

I may get flamed for this next bit but here goes.

You need to have a talk about boundries. Tell him the pictures and texts etc make you uncomfortable. See where the conversation goes.

IF after this conversation is over, you feel at all better, stay away from his phone or email and trust your husband. Just because he has lied before doesn't mean he is a faithless cheater or that it gives you the right to check his email and texts and constantly check up on him. If someone was always looking over my shoulder and questioning what I did at every turn I would be angry guilty or not. I would also start lying about where I was going and what I was doing just for some privacy.

You married him. If he isn't cheating and you want to keep him, then you need to show him some trust and respect his privacy.

DoctorWorm222 · December 2012

Not much to say that hasn't been said already. Even if he hasn't actually gotten physical with her, its gone to far. This isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to R either. He shouldn't give ANYONE (you, R, or J) the impression that he's available (emotionally, physically, etc) outside his marriage.

ETA: Its possible that he has a crush on this girl and that this flirtatious interaction is just a fantasy thing. I would have trouble dealing with a fantasy type crush even if it was directed at someone DH had no contact with (an actress or model or whatnot). I would be totally beside myself if his fantasy crush was someone he knew IRL.

DoctorWorm222 · December 2012

Sammy-Mae:
So here is my thing. I have a hard time believeing the worst in people (except for my in laws, it's something I am working on). So when I read what you wrote this is what I thought. You are not over reacting. I would be pissed if I found what you did on the phone but my mind wouldn't leap right away to cheating. I will tell you why.
He doesn't mind you checking his phone for pictures. If he was cheating on you he would have withheld the phone or the picture would have been deleted. Also the pictures weren't sent by the woman. They were sent by the co-worker. He obviously doesn't care if you find it the pictures so to me it sounds like he thinks it's a NBD situation. Lack of trust is death to a relationship. I have seen a few relationships end now because of repeated cheating accusations. If this is a fight you have had before then it's possible that is why he blew up.
I may get flamed for this next bit but here goes.
You need to have a talk about boundries. Tell him the pictures and texts etc make you uncomfortable. See where the conversation goes.
IF after this conversation is over, you feel at all better, stay away from his phone or email and trust your husband. Just because he has lied before doesn't mean he is a faithless cheater or that it gives you the right to check his email and texts and constantly check up on him. If someone was always looking over my shoulder and questioning what I did at every turn I would be angry guilty or not. I would also start lying about where I was going and what I was doing just for some privacy.
You married him. If he isn't cheating and you want to keep him, then you need to show him some trust and respect his privacy.

I understand what you're saying -- that you should have a basic level of trust for the person you married (else you shouldn't have married them) and that people are entitled to a certain degree of privacy. My Dh wouldn't appreciate being harassed or accused either, but we do maintain a great deal of transparency in our relationship. For instance, we have each other's email and FB passwords. If I want to dig through his emails, I'm free to do so anytime no questions asked and no big deal. I tend to agree with Lisajay that marriage is a very, very intimate relationship. We don't have much privacy from each other, nor do we want it.

Chunstad · December 2012

I don't have a ton of time to type, so I'll come back later. My gut says this doesn't look good. I've been cheated on before, and I believe that really deep, deep down you know. If they are this friendly that they are sending messages like this, there is something else going on. I'm so, so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

BTW, if they make a big deal and get 'pissed' at you for bringing this up, there is something there.

morsey2011 · December 2012

Chunstad:
I don't have a ton of time to type, so I'll come back later. My gut says this doesn't look good. I've been cheated on before, and I believe that really deep, deep down you know. If they are this friendly that they are sending messages like this, there is something else going on. I'm so, so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
BTW, if they make a big deal and get 'pissed' at you for bringing this up, there is something there.

all of this. So sorry you're dealing with this.

cantalopes24 · December 2012

I'm not quoting the big long text chain but him letting you look at his phone and stuff doesn't mean he isn't lying or hasn't deleted messages from the woman. He may be acting like his phone is open to you to keep you from sneaking and catching something vs him giving it to you when he knows its ok to show you. I have cheated in past relationships and deleting individual messages and leaving your phone out when you know nothing's on it isn't hard to do. Also, MH and I have 6 non work emails between us from various things. I know all his passwords but it wouldn't be hard or even suspicious for one of us to make a new secret email.

missyishere · December 2012

cantalopes24:
I'm not quoting the big long text chain but him letting you look at his phone and stuff doesn't mean he isn't lying or hasn't deleted messages from the woman. He may be acting like his phone is open to you to keep you from sneaking and catching something vs him giving it to you when he knows its ok to show you. I have cheated in past relationships and deleting individual messages and leaving your phone out when you know nothing's on it isn't hard to do. Also, MH and I have 6 non work emails between us from various things. I know all his passwords but it wouldn't be hard or even suspicious for one of us to make a new secret email.

Bingo!

hunnybunny614 · December 2012

Nittany, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can't say whether or not your dh is cheating, but i also don't think you are over reacting. There are a few red flags. The fact that this has been going on for over a year is concerning to me. Why do they have pet names for one another?

I had an issue with Dh earlier this summer i had posted about it here when a coworker texted that "she needed him" and was demanding to know where he was. My husband was transparent about it and i even talked to the "other" girl. She was leaning on my DH far to much emotionally and DH was oblivious. Unfortunately I'm not sure this is the case for you. I'm quick to judge, but between "missing" him, and the fact J is hinting at your DH seeing this girl naked, i would be furious.

It could be harmless flirting, but i think it's time you tell him it makes you uncomfortable. What he does/says next may give you the answer you need.

jmcdionne · December 2012

I am in the "spouse can have friends of opposite sex" camp. Heck, MH's ex introduced us and she is one of my best friends.
However yeah, boundaries crossed here. Many times. And I am not a jealous person, despite having been cheated on in the past. This still points red flags galore.

Talk to him when he is calm. You may want to tell him that even if he is not cheating physically/sexually, this needs to stop bc it is really bothering you. If that does not make him budge, I think you have some soul searching to do to figure out what you want.

Just bc he won't admit it or does not think he is doing anything wrong it does not mean you can/should live with it.

Deez10 · December 2012

*Disclaimer: the thoughts below are simply my personal opinion and not meant to offend in any way. I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to trusting people, however, so please keep that in mind. Best of luck, I'm so sorry you are in this position and feeling this way.

"I'm basically trying to figure out if MH is cheating on me or if I'm overreacting. Back story is that my husband is a flirt and has also been caught telling me some lies over the past few years. Not lies about women but more general lies which he thinks are NBD but it has hurt my trust in him." It sounds like his version of little white lies are painful for you and he's been caught lying before - no, you are not overreacting. If your DH thinks they are NBD and for you, they actually are, time to set boundaries with him and tell him point blank that it hurts you and that (whatever the lie is about) is something you feel he should be up front about with you. Sounds juvenile/cliche but saying something like: "when you lie to me about this, it hurts me deeply and I lose trust in you." Spell it out for him and emphasize the pain it causes.

"When we went on vacation last year she emailed him saying how much she missed him." Inappropriate. Find another man to be your "office husband" - preferably an unmarried individual. I side-eye any woman who pursues getting close to a married coworker (maybe I should have confessed that one yesterday but I digress...)

"This week I found a text sent from MH's office roommate J a fortysomething year old man which was a picture of R's chest with her clothes on." Inappropriate. Grow up.

"The pic was sent from J with the caption "you never told me R has a tattoo"." This does imply that your DH has seen R naked - granted, this is just an assumption to go on but one that definitely raises an eyebrow.

"MH and I got in a huge fight he says J was just joking around and he's never cheated on me and he's pissed at me because he's sick of having this conversation all the time." Sounds to me like he got defensive which raises my concern level. Why would such a question result a blowout fight? Even if you two do have "this conversation" a lot - maybe he needs to see the blaring light flashing that is telling him his wife is not comfortable and his actions are hurting her. I guess I just don't understand how his wife's discomfort (over a picture of a naked woman with a "joke" implying he's seen a coworker naked... Hmm ) would cause him to become angry. He's not helping his case by getting defensive & blowing up over a perfectly legitimate question from his wife about a completely inappropriate text/"joke".

"Am I overreacting?" No. And so what if others think you are? You have every right to question your husband when you feel that something is wrong - and your gut is telling you something is wrong. That's why you're checking his phone and posting this.

"Would you be concerned?" Yes. If I were in your position and my husband had a history of keeping hurtful things hidden, had texts on his phone from a female coworker saying she misses him, and additional texts from other coworkers of that particular female's chest/other naked women and references to "jokes" implying he had seen sensitively placed tattoos and thus implying an affair had occurred... My husband would have some explaining to do.

ellewoodsSC · December 2012

I'd be inclined to think that unless YH is a pig who shares his cheating exploits with his co-worker, he hasn't actually cheated. It sounds more like YH and J are having a fun time at the expense of R. I definitely think that out of respect for your marriage, he has to distance himself from having an intimate relationship with R, even if it may be non-physical.

jonnygurl76 · December 2012

PappsMcgee:
crystalbaby:
Oh, god. I'm so sorry. Regardless of if YH has actually cheated, there are major issues that need to be addressed. The fact that he is angry with you for "overreacting" is a big red flag to me. Any spouse should be understanding and apologetic for having inappropriate texts about another coworker. The fact is that he should not have any naked pictures of women on his phone and should not be receiving texts of someone's chest (clothed or not), especially a coworker's.
You and your husband need to have a serious conversation about this and you need to find out if he is willing to work on regaining your trust. Let him know that he has crossed boundaries and let him know what your expectations for your marriage are. I hope that he is willing to put in work to save your marriage. His behavior is unacceptable (even if he has not cheated).
I'm so sorry.
Yes, yes & yes.
I'm so sorry Nittany

all of this. If it smells like a shiit, it is a shiit. I'm sorry.

Chunstad · December 2012

Sammy-Mae:
So here is my thing. I have a hard time believeing the worst in people (except for my in laws, it's something I am working on). So when I read what you wrote this is what I thought. You are not over reacting. I would be pissed if I found what you did on the phone but my mind wouldn't leap right away to cheating. I will tell you why.
He doesn't mind you checking his phone for pictures. If he was cheating on you he would have withheld the phone or the picture would have been deleted. Also the pictures weren't sent by the woman. They were sent by the co-worker. He obviously doesn't care if you find it the pictures so to me it sounds like he thinks it's a NBD situation. Lack of trust is death to a relationship. I have seen a few relationships end now because of repeated cheating accusations. If this is a fight you have had before then it's possible that is why he blew up.
I may get flamed for this next bit but here goes.
You need to have a talk about boundries. Tell him the pictures and texts etc make you uncomfortable. See where the conversation goes.
IF after this conversation is over, you feel at all better, stay away from his phone or email and trust your husband. Just because he has lied before doesn't mean he is a faithless cheater or that it gives you the right to check his email and texts and constantly check up on him. If someone was always looking over my shoulder and questioning what I did at every turn I would be angry guilty or not. I would also start lying about where I was going and what I was doing just for some privacy.
You married him. If he isn't cheating and you want to keep him, then you need to show him some trust and respect his privacy.

Sammy, totally not trying to be snarky here, but have you ever been cheated on? I used to trust my SO with everything, and would swear on all that's holy that he'd never cheat on me. Then he did. It's earth shattering and rocks you to your core. It really does take away your trust and innocence.

LatteLady5 · December 2012

crystalbaby:
Oh, god. I'm so sorry. Regardless of if YH has actually cheated, there are major issues that need to be addressed. The fact that he is angry with you for "overreacting" is a big red flag to me. Any spouse should be understanding and apologetic for having inappropriate texts about another coworker. The fact is that he should not have any naked pictures of women on his phone and should not be receiving texts of someone's chest (clothed or not), especially a coworker's.
You and your husband need to have a serious conversation about this and you need to find out if he is willing to work on regaining your trust. Let him know that he has crossed boundaries and let him know what your expectations for your marriage are. I hope that he is willing to put in work to save your marriage. His behavior is unacceptable (even if he has not cheated).
I'm so sorry.

All of this especially the bold. He shouldn't be doing what he's doing even if he's not cheating. You guys need to talk and if he can't calm down enough to then you may consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help moderate. I am really sorry that you have to deal with this. What a terrible situation.

Nita2603 · December 2012

Ok, so I admit this doesn't look to good but I have to say the following:

I have never cheated on anyone ever
I still want privacy in my email and phone and so does my husband. That is ok.
We both have friends of the opposite sex and that is fine.
I have pet names for some of them and they for me. That is ok too.

The 'miss you' things are odd, but could it be an it is a shiit show without you here miss you?

The pictures are odd but really if he thought any of them he could have deleted them.

I am sorry you have to go through this. I think it is time to sit down and talk about it.

BeesMomma00 · December 2012

I haven't read the other comments, but here is my take. Men and women who are not in a relationship should not have "pet names" for one another. Sometimes, men are just dumb though. When I first met MH he had a very good female friend (who I know liked him but he thought she was just 'just a friend'). One night she sent him a text that I saw which said "when we get married..."

I explained that even though it was a joke, it wasn't appropriate talk for someone in a relationship.

Bottom line is, if the work relationship doesn't make you comfortable, then listen to your gut. But tread lightly and smartly with how to deal.

nittanyllama · December 2012

Thank you to each and every one of you who responded. It was a long weekend around family trying to get fragmented time to talk. Things still aren't really resolved but my stepdad was injured at work today by a crane so I'm just a mess right now. Thank you all so much though for the support and perspective about MH.

Chunstad · December 2012

NittanyMama:
Thank you to each and every one of you who responded. It was a long weekend around family trying to get fragmented time to talk. Things still aren't really resolved but my stepdad was injured at work today by a crane so I'm just a mess right now. Thank you all so much though for the support and perspective about MH.

Oh no! I hope that he's okay!

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