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June 2013 Moms
duffmaker
member
NPR: (tmi?) Can we talk BJs? (not the store)
duffmaker
member
Kind of an extension of our FFFCs thread (I just didn't want to bombard anyone with such a potentially uncomfortable FFFC as they were scrolling through). Just something I want to talk about because out of the 2 people (and FI) who I actually discuss this type of stuff with, I'm the odd one out. This will most likely get TMI for some people, but I was hoping we could have some type of convo.
Do you like giving blow jobs, oral, head, going down on (whatever you want to call it) to your SO? Does he like or dislike it?
I really really don't... I'm a very sexual person but I just don't like doing this. I don't mind hand jobs, in fact sometimes it's a nice way to get out some pent up frustration haha, and I don't mind occasionally "playing" with my mouth. I feel slightly degraded when I'm doing it and I also have this serious aversion to semen. FI is the only person I've ever given one and I used to maybe once every month, sometimes two months and I think in the 4 years we've been together I swallowed twice. Well the second time I swallowed was actually 2 weeks after I had M, I was crazy horny and needed to do something so I actually woke FI up with it and went all the way and since then I couldn't smell, feel, see, or think about semen. It was so bad to the point I threw up every single time after sex and I felt ill just feeling him tense up to finish if I was giving him a hand job. It got better towards the end of the summer but even now I can't give him a HJ without gagging and I absolutely can't use my mouth after any of the "pre stuff comes out".
The worst part is that FI really likes it and a lot of the time it's what he wants as foreplay but I'm so sick and tired of it, if I don't do something he complains about having to do everything when we have sex (because it takes so much to turn me on, especially now... sarcasm), so we don't have sex and I go to bed horny and upset. Oh and he makes jokes about me being a lesbian because I don't like d!ck when I refuse (not sure if TB sensors that), it's just him being funny but it hurts and I am absolutely not, I very much like sex just not that stuff.... I'm so sick of being the odd ball out between him, my BFF and SIL (who's also a good friend)... those two love all that foreplay.
Is anyone else with me on this or no?
Proud babywearing, breastfeeding, vaccinating SAHM of 2U2!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NPR: (tmi?) Can we talk BJs? (not the store)
I'm semi with you.
Somedays I LOVE giving them, just because my DH loves them. But if I'm not in the mood, it takes a lot to get me to do it.
I absolutely cannot, CANNOT even stand the taste of semen, so the whole swallowing thing...well I don't think I could get it down if I tried. I have gagged many a time just looking at it (blah!).
I'm also with you on your last paragraph. I almost feel guilty if I go more than 2-3 weeks without every doing it. I can actually see the sadness in his eyes! He never tries to guilt me or make me feel bad, but I can see it. So I just try to hint at him to make me as horny as possible and he might get lucky. He doesn't pick up on hints that well. lol
CJ 05/29/2013
I like giving my DH a BJ. It really turns me on but, he doesn't get them too often anymore. I do it once in a while but I'm tired and it takes him awhile to *** and I just don't have the energy.
Also, my DH doesn't like eating me out. He has done it before and we've had some fights over it. I felt really unattractive and depressed so I told him that if he won't do it for me then I won't do it for him. We pleasure each other in different ways and honestly, DH isn't that great at giving oral and I prefer his hand.
OP, I think you need to talk to your FI about this. I think he's being a jerk about it. You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to do it all of the time.
Yes, this does sound like there is some sort of communication issue there. If you don't like doing it, then he should not be passive aggressive about it, nor should that lead to no sex when you want it. I don't like that he also refers to you as a "lesbian" because you don't like to do it.
That being said, I think part of your disdain for actually doing them may be in your head, seeing as you said it "got better towards the end of the summer." I'm under the impression that if you love him, and he keeps himself clean, it should never be viewed as something that is "gross" ... Especially if, again, it's something he likes.
But to answer your question, I love to do it. I never really got into it, never really enjoyed it all that much, until I met my partner. Now, it's part of our routine foreplay and well, quite frankly, I'm a champ at it. And I love the amount of pleasure it gives him, because well, I f****** love him. I couldn't imagine NOT doing it to him now. My best advice is to stop over-thinking it. But in the same breath, I will say if you can't even enjoy it in the least bit, don't do it. It's not the end of the world either way.
We lost our first (EDD 07/23/12) after finding out at 12 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. Our rainbow was born 05/22/13 and was worth all we went through.
“So can you understand? Why I want a daughter while I’m still young? I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before all this damage is done. But if it’s too much to ask, it’s too much to ask … Then send me a son.” – Arcade Fire
DH will purposely save a conversation for while we're out to dinner because he knows I won't get worked up and either yell or cry. Haha! I'm an emotional person and will get worked up easily. This actually is encouraged by our therapist who says staying calm is key.
CJ 05/29/2013
I know what you mean. DH always tells me I'm great at it but he takes so long that I get impatient. I'd rather have sex. I've only gotten him off via BJ once in the 5 years we've been together.
CJ 05/29/2013
Hahahaha I can't imagine just randomly talking about it... I do think bringing it up outside of the bedroom/intimate situation is better I just can't imagine doing it...
I do agree that there's some serious communication issue. He just doesn't get it, even though he knows I don't like it. At the same time I will sometimes get really into it if I'm horny and he's already doing stuff to me (never head though, I can't stand the thought of him being down there with his mouth, I am not that secure with myself lol) but again as soon as the pre stuff is there... I'm not. I'm also one of those people who laughs things off when they're really uncomfortable or upset and that is probably why the lesbian jokes keep happening because even when I say it hurts I'm laughing.
I don't mind giving them at all and sometimes I even offer to because I am just not in the mood for sex so I will give him a BJ as a substitute. I never swallow, but I always let him finish in my mouth and then I will spit it out. I know he loves it so that's why I don't mind doing it. I, on the other hand, am not such a big fan of getting oral but DH loves doing that too so I sometimes will let him.
I'm extremely emotional too. We do this with serious convos too, if something is getting us angry then we pack it up and go somewhere, even Walmart and we talk while we're walking around. I just can't fathom talking about oral sex somewhere like that!
I really like to give them to DH. Although he used to get them a lot more frequently. It is a huge turn on to know that he is enjoying it that much for me. I am also the only one that has finished him off that way - his ex had played a little but said she couldn't stand the smell, taste, feeling, or thought or semen so they rarely even had sex. Every once in a while he will ask for it, but I know he feels guilty for even asking - who knows why.
I think that compromise and communication are the biggest things here. If you don't like finishing him, but are willing to every now and then do it during foreplay, that might be a good compromise. Also, maybe letting him finish in other places. This is probably TMI - but DH really likes to finish on my chest sometimes. Not the most enjoyable thing for me - but after a little clean up, no harm, no foul. If I am really not in the mood to finish him orally, I will lay down with him over me, give a BJ until almost completely then he pulls out.
Life - all aspects - are always about compromise and good communication. GL!
I think you are both completely normal having the same issues that are happening in bedrooms all over the world. The only thing that concerns me is his comments about you preferring women simply because you don't want oral.
This really warrants a serious discussion (After sex, neutral location, when there is nothing to rush to afterwards). You guys can't go the rest of your lives like this, it will be an undue burden on your marriage.
While you may choose to make the sacrifice on occasion (not necessarily to completion), it is important to ask the questions others posted, ""what ELSE does he like that might make him feel more desirable and let you take charge? " . The conversation also has to talk how he responds to you when you don't want oral. The name calling is hurtful and it is OK to let him know that. There are more positive ways to communicate wants and needs.If this is systemic of a larger communication issue, you may want to think about some marriage resources (Seminar, classes, counseling, his/hers self help books). It will make your marriage stronger and more fulfilling
. If you need help finding resources, I could offer some suggestions.
Hang in there friend! Praying this gets better for you both
.
Pre-pregnancy I didn't mind at all, I kinda enjoyed it. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't want anything at all, ever. I make myself have sex because I know he gets frustrated, but the foreplay has been minimum. These days I'm just like whatever, hurry up. He complained about that attitude at first, but I guess he's decided to take it how he can get it.
Pretty much all of this. It's not my favorite thing to do but I don't mind taking one for the team every now and then.
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Oh we've done the whole on the chest thing, it's one of his favorites lol but we haven't in a while, like 5+months, maybe that could loosen things up a bit.
TBH, I don't enjoy getting it all that much, either.
I'll just ditto Irish's initial advice. Definitely talk. His comments are unnecessary and you shouldn't feel pressure to give him a blow job. Sex should be fun. GL.
Lap&Dye/Hysterscopy Feb 2012: Endo stage 2
April - June 2012: Femera 5 mg & 3 IUIs = All BFN July/August 2012: IVF #1 = C/P
September/October 2012: IVF #2 BFP! Beta 1= 223 Beta 2 = 480 Beta 3 = 11,440
My beautiful daughter was born June 21, 2013
TTC #2 naturally, no luck
IVF #3 April 2015: BFN
IVF #4 July 2015: BFP! Beta 1 9dp5dt = 409, Beta 2 13dp5dt = 1743
I think it all comes down to good communication.