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February 2012 Moms
NatesLady1309
member
What to say...
NatesLady1309
member
I just found out that a fairly close friend of mine just had a miscarriage. She and her DH had not announced the pregnancy in a public way (I did not know she was pregnant until just now with this news), I don't even know if they had told their families. She was 5 to 6 weeks along. This would have been her second child.
I know many of you on this board have had miscarriages yourselves or have close friends or family who have walked through this tough time. She is certainly a close enough friend of mine that I feel like I should offer her words of comfort or support. But I don't know what to say exactly. Certainly that I am deeply sorry for her loss and that I'm praying for her. But is there anything else I can say that would be helpful or maybe something I should avoid? If any of you have insight it would be much appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What to say...
I haven't personally had one but my close friend just did and I told her that usually that means that there was something very wrong. I told her you would rather have a m/c at this point than have something happen 20 weeks in because something was seriously wrong. She said this made her feel better.
I also think in some cases there is nothing you can say besides, I love you, I'm sorry, I am here for anything you need.
I lost my first baby at 13 weeks and wrote this blog post shortly after my D&C: https://smilesforchange.blogspot.com/2011/05/dinner-is-served.html
Everyone is so different. That post focuses more on what I would have liked people to avoid during that time. For me, a genuine "I'm sorry for what happened" went a long way. It is way better than pretending it didn't happen. Good luck!
Your blog made me cry, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I believe we are connected to our babies the moment we see a +
I have had two m/c, one at 14 weeks and one at 6 weeks (both between Brynn and Paige). I understand the sentiment behind what you are saying shmogan, but this is not what I wanted to hear. Whether something was wrong with the baby or not, I didn't want to lose them. I also did not want to hear that "everything happens for a reason."
What I needed at those times was just to know that others were thinking of me. I had some send flowers, some send cards, some just sending messages on fb. You don't have to spend money, but just send a message that you love them and you are there if they need to talk. I think that the simpler the message, the better. Let her know you are there if/when she needs you but give her space.
The thing that helped me the most was talking to other women who had been through them. I got so many messages from friends that I never knew had had a m/c and it let me know that I am not alone.
It was sad there for a while but the recent posts are more cheerful.
I'm glad I documented everything like I did though. It is interesting for me to go back and read how raw everything was...it makes me appreciate what I have now that much more.
Smiles, I could have written this same blog. I wish more people would read this to help women through these times. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is perfect for almost any bad thing that can happen to someone. I've never had a miscarriage, but with other things that I've dealt with its nice to just hear people say "I'm sorry and I'm here for you". I agree with CS and wouldn't say that things happen for a reason or it's part of God's plan or anything like that, just keep it short and simple and then follow her lead. Offer to be there in any way you can and maybe drop off a meal one night (I would leave it outside and let her know its there so she doesn't feel like she has to entertain).
I'm sorry at your friend is going through this and I'm sorry to those of you who have had miscarriages, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must be.
This might be a little harsh since I'm currently miscarrying, but it's easier to say bluntly than politely.
The following is all how I feel personally. Honestly, you know your friend better than us, so what we may say might not be the same for her.
A simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough.
Don't tell me:
"It happened for a reason"
"It's God's way"
"I'm praying for you and it'll be okay next time"
"Well at least you know you can get pregnant"
"Well, having Eli should make this easier"
I'm struggling with my faith right now so anything about it being a part of a greater plan is hurtful.
Also, don't act like it didn't happen. Don't beat around the bush when trying to talk to me. Don't tip toe around me and act like I'm going to break. Just ask whatever you want to know up front and don't baby me. Treating me differently or acting differently around me hurts more than anything. It makes me feel defective or something and trust me I have enough guilt of my own going on that I don't need to feel any worse. Just express a simple condolence, ask if she wants to talk about it and just go on acting normally around her.
I read your blog after I posted my response, but your blog says it so much more eloquently than I could ever say. You hit every single point and expressed it better than I ever could. ((hugs)) No one should have to go through this, ever.
Hugs to you, my dear. I've been there. Yours is different, but I know how bad I hurt so I can only imagine how you feel. I'm here if you need to talk.
Thank you to all, especially for the advice on what not to say. I ended up texting her a scripture about hope in times of grief and told her I was praying for her and I was so sorry for her loss. She received it well from what she texted back.
So sorry to those on this board who have walked down this road themselves.