The joys of a fertile, "Knows it all" SIL!- Opinions please :)

JGior1031 · December 2012

Somedays I am just not sure if I can deal with my SIL!!!!! I have never in my life met a more bossy, bitchy, know it all pain in my @ss person!!! She got pregnant with both of her daughters "by accident" and never had to TTC so she has zero idea what its like to TTC or be infertile.

So 2weeks ago my MIL was telling DH and I that DH's cousin and his wife were having trouble TTC #2 (they have been trying for 2 years) and they were going to a fertility dr. About 3 days later DH saw his cousin and said something to him about our IF issues and his cousin said "Oh your mom didnt tell you, we are 3 months pregnant!"

So Christmas day I said to my MIL "BTW Lauren and Mike are pregnant!!! I guess you didnt know yet. Im so glad for them". To which my MIL replies, "I knew, I just didnt want to tell you and I thought you would feel better if you knew others were having trouble too." I was pissed off but I understood her reasoning behind it and just decided to let it go and told her Thank you for thinking of me.

Well........... In walks my pain in the @ss SIL and her big mouth. She proceedes to say to me..." You know Jenn its really not fair to us that we have to tip toe around telling you that other family members are pregnant. You should be happy for others and get over yourself. Just because someone else gets pregnant does not mean that they TOOK your baby from you. There is not a definite number of babies concieved. You'll get your turn. Maybe if you stop being so negative and jealous it will happen for you."

My first instinct was to just hit her!!! (In my head I did! lol!) I couldnt even respond. I didnt know what to say and I knew if I opened my mouth I would just sob uncontrolably. I have never once said that bc someone else got pregnant that they "took" my baby nor have I ever thought that. I have never been jealous of others pregnancies, but I have been envious because I wish that so much for DH and I.

I told DH and he said I should put his sister in her place and say something. But Im torn. DH doesnt want to get involved but I feel that its his sister and he should stick up for me and put her in her place with me. I know that this will cause WW3 because my SIL can do no wrong and Im sure my MIL will take her side and of course I will come out looking like the Evil IF Witch.

Im thinking maybe I shouldnt even say anything to her. The time has past and it is very very apparent that she does not understand IF or how it feels so I doubt she will get it anyway.

What would you do?

megs3084 · December 2012

Gosh that's a tough one. I'm sorry you're in that position. I had my DHs aunt give me a hard time last weekend, but she doesn't know about our IF so I tried to tell myself that I couldn't be mad. I still think I'll FB her & explain though. As for your situation, If you really feel you need to say something to her, then do it. Just make sure it's not out of anger so it doesnt start WW3. Explaining that you don't think they took your baby etc might be helpful so she understands how you feel and how painful IF is. Maybe if she understood, then she'd realize why it's important to be sensitive to other people's feelings. The only part that bothers me is that your D is telling YOU to address this. I think if this is his family, that he should be helping the situation, not just telling you to let her have it. Just my opinion though.

jadwedd · December 2012

I would pitch a hissy fit like he has never seen to my husband. Things about it being his family and he should defend me, blah blah blah. I have had this hissy fit with him. And tell him that he should say that you never said anything about it because you are too classy but he heard about it and needed to say something. So you don't sound like a witch. I did this over the in laws bringing the dog which I am allergic to on Christmas and they angrily left the dog at home. My sil was a witch all day and said I was sick for having a pic of the embies (she had ivf so I don't understand why she would say that). Anyway you should not have to endure that and it took years for me to get my husband to start standing up for me so I know how you feel. He should get in the middle, he should be right in the middle defending you - it is his family. Or he should make it so you do not have to see her. For example, my mil is a witch and I told him that he was not allowed to leave me alone with her - ever. So if I went to the bathroom and she followed he had to wait around outside the bathroom (she likes to attack right outside the bathroom). Anyway, I am rambling, tell your husband that you should not be treated like that, he should either defend you, or be prepared for you to unleash years of anger and ivf medications all over her a$$ and he can't say a word about it!

JGior1031 · December 2012

megs3084:
Gosh that's a tough one. I'm sorry you're in that position. I had my DHs aunt give me a hard time last weekend, but she doesn't know about our IF so I tried to tell myself that I couldn't be mad. I still think I'll FB her & explain though. As for your situation, If you really feel you need to say something to her, then do it. Just make sure it's not out of anger so it doesnt start WW3. Explaining that you don't think they took your baby etc might be helpful so she understands how you feel and how painful IF is. Maybe if she understood, then she'd realize why it's important to be sensitive to other people's feelings. The only part that bothers me is that your D is telling YOU to address this. I think if this is his family, that he should be helping the situation, not just telling you to let her have it. Just my opinion though.

My thoughts exactly!! I feel that while she said it to me it is HIS sister and he shoudl take the lead on it because its his family. If it was my family I would take the lead.

I think my anger and hurt is why I want to say something but Im not sure it will do me any good, make me feel better or get her to understand.

I guess somethings might be better left unsaid. I cant fix her stupidity and Im sure it will only make me feel worse.

Thank you!!! Big Smile

J&D2007 · December 2012

So. I have a real awful SIL, too, but yours takes the cake. In all honesty, I wouldn't do anything. I think maybe the time has passed for this round. I personally wouldn't involve your DH, I think that would be awkward for him. I would, however, have a really good retort next time she says anything to you and just try to avoid her idiocy as much as possible. I really don't think explaining or talking to people that are that ignorant does any good. I would just say something like 'I would prefer not to talk to you about that subject' if she brings up anything related to IF or babies, etc.. GL with the wench.

JGior1031 · December 2012

jadwedd:
I would pitch a hissy fit like he has never seen to my husband. Things about it being his family and he should defend me, blah blah blah. I have had this hissy fit with him. And tell him that he should say that you never said anything about it because you are too classy but he heard about it and needed to say something. So you don't sound like a witch. I did this over the in laws bringing the dog which I am allergic to on Christmas and they angrily left the dog at home. My sil was a witch all day and said I was sick for having a pic of the embies (she had ivf so I don't understand why she would say that). Anyway you should not have to endure that and it took years for me to get my husband to start standing up for me so I know how you feel. He should get in the middle, he should be right in the middle defending you - it is his family. Or he should make it so you do not have to see her. For example, my mil is a witch and I told him that he was not allowed to leave me alone with her - ever. So if I went to the bathroom and she followed he had to wait around outside the bathroom (she likes to attack right outside the bathroom). Anyway, I am rambling, tell your husband that you should not be treated like that, he should either defend you, or be prepared for you to unleash years of anger and ivf medications all over her a$$ and he can't say a word about it!

LMAO!!! I love love love your rambling!! Big Smile

And I am so sorry for you that your SIL is such a witch and told you that it was sick to have a pic of your embies!! You went through a lot for those enbies and you show them off to whom ever you want!!! They are gorgeous by the way!

Im afraid that if I dont say something now to her that I will when Im on the IVF meds and I will loose me mind on her! LOL!! That my be the best senario bc then I can just blame it on the meds! HAHA!

I know DH hates fighting with his sister because there is no winning with her and she is ruthless and relentless but GD this was Soooooooo out of line.

I am going to talk to him again tonight and if he still wont get involved I will take your advice and pitch a hissy fit like he has never seen before!

JGior1031 · December 2012

J&D2007:
So. I have a real awful SIL, too, but yours takes the cake. In all honesty, I wouldn't do anything. I think maybe the time has passed for this round. I personally wouldn't involve your DH, I think that would be awkward for him. I would, however, have a really good retort next time she says anything to you and just try to avoid her idiocy as much as possible. I really don't think explaining or talking to people that are that ignorant does any good. I would just say something like 'I would prefer not to talk to you about that subject' if she brings up anything related to IF or babies, etc.. GL with the wench.

Thank you! Big Smile

She really is a wench! LOL! I am an only child so dealing with "sibling" relationships is new to me but this is just ridiculous. I swear she gets worse everytime I see her!

She thinks bc she did research on the internet she knows everything about infertility and IVF w/ICSI. You should have heard her speach to me about Selective Reduction.............. She is a real piece of work.

teachergurl2002 · December 2012

OMG I am so sorry that happened to you. I would definitely say something to her and I feel your husband should as well. Some people should keep their mouths shut. This summer my husbands SIL told me that infertility was God's natural selection, weeding out people who shouldn't be parents. She said God was all knowing and just knows when it's meant to be and you shouldn't mess with his ultimate plan. I said "well if thats his ultimate plan then how come he gave man the intelligence to create reproductive medicine? Why are their reproductive doctors?"

I understand people's conviction to religion, I am religious myself but I am also a realist. God gave us science and medicine to help ourselves. But it kills when people bring God into medicine and try to use religion as the be all, end all. I am quite sure my SIL would have felt differently if she had difficulty conceiving ( she has 3 healthy boys). Its so easy for others to be pious when they don't have to struggle.

Good luck and I hope you get to say something.

jenn0620 · December 2012

Wow.. I don't even know what I would say! My SIL is super fertile and really doesn't get our issues and our blow up fights weren't this bad. I agree with pp and think your husband should say something since it is his sister. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this, I had a blow up with my SIL married to DH's brother right before vacation and no one took my side my MIL was just worried I would ruin the family vacation so I know how that part feels. Again I'm sorry you are dealing with this!

JGior1031 · December 2012

teachergurl2002:

OMG I am so sorry that happened to you. I would definitely say something to her and I feel your husband should as well. Some people should keep their mouths shut. This summer my husbands SIL told me that infertility was God's natural selection, weeding out people who shouldn't be parents. She said God was all knowing and just knows when it's meant to be and you shouldn't mess with his ultimate plan. I said "well if thats his ultimate plan then how come he gave man the intelligence to create reproductive medicine? Why are their reproductive doctors?"

I understand people's conviction to religion, I am religious myself but I am also a realist. God gave us science and medicine to help ourselves. But it kills when people bring God into medicine and try to use religion as the be all, end all. I am quite sure my SIL would have felt differently if she had difficulty conceiving ( she has 3 healthy boys). Its so easy for others to be pious when they don't have to struggle.

Good luck and I hope you get to say something.

OMG your SIL is horrible!! I am so very sorry that she said that to you! That is probably the most awful and disgusting this one woman can say to another. Good for you for not knocking her @ss out right there and then. I dont think I would have been able to control myself for that comment.

jadwedd · December 2012

I hate it when people bring God into it. But when they are sick they go to the doctor, isn't it God's will that they be sick? Where exactly is the line between God and medicine stop? Oh yeah exactly where it is convenient for them to judge others! Last time I checked the Bible says judge not lest ye be judged. Uggh don't get me started on the religious aspect with all this progesterone in me!

RoadToFertility · December 2012

Wow. Just wow. What an insensitive SIL. I would definitely insist that my husband speak to his sister but if he continued to refuse I think I would talk to her myself. People don't know what IF is like until they have walked in our shoes...her comment was waaaaay out of line and I give you credit for not telling her off right then and there. Without a doubt though, I would let her know that her comments are absolutely unacceptable, rude, insensitive, and not something you plan on tolerating. If she can't be controlled, I would avoid being at events that she is going to be present at because you can only take so much. I still can't get over her ignorance.

BellaLux · December 2012

Geez, what an insensitive jerk! Yeah I get most people will never understand what we go through, but there is a such thing called empathy and tact. Your DH really needs to have a long serious chat with her!

teachergurl2002 · December 2012

JGior1031:
teachergurl2002:

OMG I am so sorry that happened to you. I would definitely say something to her and I feel your husband should as well. Some people should keep their mouths shut. This summer my husbands SIL told me that infertility was God's natural selection, weeding out people who shouldn't be parents. She said God was all knowing and just knows when it's meant to be and you shouldn't mess with his ultimate plan. I said "well if thats his ultimate plan then how come he gave man the intelligence to create reproductive medicine? Why are their reproductive doctors?"

I understand people's conviction to religion, I am religious myself but I am also a realist. God gave us science and medicine to help ourselves. But it kills when people bring God into medicine and try to use religion as the be all, end all. I am quite sure my SIL would have felt differently if she had difficulty conceiving ( she has 3 healthy boys). Its so easy for others to be pious when they don't have to struggle.

Good luck and I hope you get to say something.

OMG your SIL is horrible!! I am so very sorry that she said that to you! That is probably the most awful and disgusting this one woman can say to another. Good for you for not knocking her @ss out right there and then. I dont think I would have been able to control myself for that comment.

LOL...thanks...I cant stand her. She's a witch and doesnt like me for various reasons...but oh well...can you tell I really care? I just cant wait to tell her how we concieved when we finally do....and I will be doing it with a big ole smile on my face!! I ALWAYS get the last word.

firesiren · December 2012

What a hateful person. I would never ever speak to her again. You do not need that in your life. She sounds horrible. I won't tell you what I would do but I'm pretty grouchy when it comes to IF. Good Luck!

firesiren · December 2012

jadwedd:
I would pitch a hissy fit like he has never seen to my husband. Things about it being his family and he should defend me, blah blah blah. I have had this hissy fit with him. And tell him that he should say that you never said anything about it because you are too classy but he heard about it and needed to say something. So you don't sound like a witch. I did this over the in laws bringing the dog which I am allergic to on Christmas and they angrily left the dog at home. My sil was a witch all day and said I was sick for having a pic of the embies (she had ivf so I don't understand why she would say that). Anyway you should not have to endure that and it took years for me to get my husband to start standing up for me so I know how you feel. He should get in the middle, he should be right in the middle defending you - it is his family. Or he should make it so you do not have to see her. For example, my mil is a witch and I told him that he was not allowed to leave me alone with her - ever. So if I went to the bathroom and she followed he had to wait around outside the bathroom (she likes to attack right outside the bathroom). Anyway, I am rambling, tell your husband that you should not be treated like that, he should either defend you, or be prepared for you to unleash years of anger and ivf medications all over her a$$ and he can't say a word about it!

My DH carried our embie pic in the visor of his squad car! Not sick, it's sweet.

PokerChic85 · December 2012

I am SO SORRY! I have a horrid SIL also ( well BILs wife) .... Very similar blow out this past weekend.... I just walked out and sat in the car and called my mother, my DH followed, then he went back in and raised hell. I left because I knew I'd go ballistic if I stayed.

So, now we're not speaking to them....ever again. Thats how bad it was.

As far as MIL - ugh - tough because it's your DHs mom so you'll always have to bite your tongue, even if she agrees with SIL - have your DH do all the talking

Or, just call her a F*&$^@ Nasty B#&$&@* Horrid F#*&&&## piece of S*#^&@, and smile and walk out

interzone · December 2012

I'm so sorry you have such an unpleasant, negative person in your life. I honestly wouldn't say anything to her now or if she brings it up again in the future. From the conversation you described, it sounds like she is the kind of person who loves drama and starting fights. The best way to deal with a person like that is to ignore, ignore, and ignore some more.

If you do want some kind of resolution, you can have DH tell his mother how much SIL's words hurt you and that he won't tolerate poor treatment of his wife by his family. This is his family, so it is his responsibility to talk to them about this!!! When we were dating and newly married, my FIL was just plain mean to me. My husband made the decision to tell him that he couldn't watch me be mistreated and if FIL didn't want to be nice we wouldn't see him again. We haven't seen or talked to FIL in over 5 years, and our lives are much better for it. Us setting that boundary led to other family members pulling away from FIL as well. I can't imagine you are the only one SIL treats like crap.

dede0726 · December 2012

I am sorry you have to deal with that! And it's really a bummer that your DH won't back you up by talking to her about it. I have a know it all younger sister that I am dealing with myself. I really want to rip into her but she is family so I just try to keep the peace. We have to see her one more time (this Sunday) before I start my cycle and then I plan on taking a very long break from seeing her. It got to the point before we started down this path that I refused to talk to her at all about what we were going through.

Nobody in our position needs any added stress and it sucks that family doesn't understand that!!

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