Blended Families
sld5711
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Were you a better Step-parent before...
sld5711
member
you had your own baby? First let me apologize for my MIAness but I had my baby at the end of October and havent been on the bump until I got back to work. Not that I was super active but I did occasional post and answer post : ). Anways my question is were you a better step parent before you had your own children? I ask this because I feel like I was and now I dont have the same patiences that I had before. I feel like I have more resentfulness towards my SD and I honestly dont mean too and I will I think I am doing such a great job at hiding it I know that I cant be concealing all my emotions that well. I have been getting horrible anxiety with just the thought of our week with her and am on the verge of panic attacks on thursday nights before our pick ups on friday. I am sure I will get flamed for what I am writing and trust me I already feel like a horrible person because it is not my SD faults that her parents arent married and that her dad married me. I just want to get past this and feel how I did before but I dont know how to make that happen : (.
BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11
BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12
BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012
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Re: Were you a better Step-parent before...
I can relate. I have a 4 yr old SD, I love her to death, but when my baby was born in June, my patience with her got very short. It's not her fault, she's very young, was/is jealous of the baby. She pouts any time DH shows any attention to the baby. It's slowly getting better as the baby gets more active and playful. She's started acting out more and getting sassy. Part of it is her age and part is the fact that it was her world for almost 4 years, first grandchild on both sides of her family. Now she has to share the spotlight and she hates it. Things she is perfectly capable of doing on her own, she all of the sudden just can't do it and needs help. She's been potty trained for 2 years and now out of nowhere has an accident atleast once while at our house.
It can be very frustrating because it's not your child. She's (or he) is not your to discipline. I have noticed that it is getting better though. I'm not getting as frustrated as easily with her and we are getting back to playing and laughing.
It's an adjustment on all sides. She has to adjust to not being the center of the universe. I have to adjust to having a new baby and having a love for that baby that I could never describe, without alienating my SD. She's not mine, I love her, but the love I have for her is such a tiny amount compared to the love I have for my own child that I grew and gave birth to.
I guess what I have to say is, it will get easier, you will figure it out, the anxiety will subside and you will adjust to your new life. Good Luck!
absolutely i was way better before ds1 was born, then my sd almost killed him. i dont think i will ever get over that. i have huge issues with bm and sometimes tend to resent sd for that. also, my sd takes my dhs attention away from our kids.
i saw a therapist for a while to work through my stress and anxiety but things still arent tge way they were before ds1
I went through a stage like this after my DD was born. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was annoyed with SD all the time, and usually over nothing.
Turns out, for me, the big problem was PPD. There were some smaller contributing factors, like me feeling like I had to shoulder everything for SD and resentment over her mom constantly changing plans and screwing up mine...etc... But the biggest thing was I was just so sad and overwhelmed and anxious.
I talked to a doctor, got on some medication and got counseling. My DD is 17 months old now, and I'm closer than ever to my SD.
This isn't your situation; nor is it what you asked, but:
Both my kids are biologically mine, and since DD came along my patience with DS has been more limited. I wouldn't say I've ever resented him, but I guess I just always feel spread a little thinner. My reserves only go so deep!
I have more patience w/ DD since she's only 2. When DS is difficult it's more intentional.
She has always needed alot of attention. Unfortunately both her mom and dad had that feeling of guilt I guess because she comes from a broken home (even though they havent been together since she was 1 and she is almost 5) so whenever she is with either of them the entire world revovles around her and they are constantly trying to out do each other by doing things with her or for her or just by buying her things. Because of this she has become a very spoiled and ungrateful child and I think that's what makes me so resentful. I cant stand how she behaves sometimes and I know she is only 4 but because she gets whatever she wants there is hell to pay when she doesnt get what she wants. She is very manpulative of her father too and that just breaks my heart because thats not helping to make her into a better person because he is constantly giving in to her.
I do have fear that she will hurt the baby and I am honestly scared to even put him in his own room because I am scared when she will get up in the night and hurt him. Not intentionally of course but because she feels like she is entitled to do whatever she pleases and if she wants to play with him she will do it whenever she wants. She is a very destructive little girl when it comes to possessions and I dont know if she understands yet that the baby is not a toy : /. I guess I just feel like I could constantly repeat myself before I had the baby and now I dont have the time or energy to constantly say the same thing over and over again.
I am just so fed up with every other week my house being destroyed and my husband being walked all over.
I know it will get better because I am a FTM and I am sure my anxiety with all of that isnt helping at all with this situation but like I said I feel like scum of the earth because I panic at the thought of a 4 year coming to my house. I truly do love this little girl but I sometimes really question whether I am strong enough to be a step parent and I have no clue how my step father did it all those years because its truly the hardest job I have ever had : /
This is how I am with SD. She is an amazing, helpful, sweet little girl when DH isn't around. When DH is around he intentionally tries to hurt DD, (hit her in the face with hard toys, push her down, etc) because it gets daddy's attention. I get very frustrated. I try and let DH handle it but it gets to a point that he has to remove SD from the situation completely. She has "forgotten" how to get dress, take a bath, brush her hair, clean her room, etc. She is 7 almost 8 so she knows what she is doing and does this on purpose.
When SD is acting like that I don't pay attention to her unless she is hurt herself or someone else because she just wants attention. We have figured out positive attention works best with her. As soon as DD goes to bed we play a game or something with SD so she knows we still care but we also explain that the baby can't walk, feed herself, or go potty on her own so the baby does need more attention.
Also I had PPD also and medicine made a huge improvement in my mood towards SD.
Thank you so much ladies...I really feel a little better hearing other people say it and it has brought a few things to light. Maybe I am a little jealous because this is my first child so I want my husband to give all his time to this baby just as I have but he obviously cant.
This may be a dumb question but who do I talk to about PPD? My OB or should I be going to my primary care? I hate feeling the way I do and it is certainly wearing me thin. I dont know if I have PPD but I am starting to think maybe my issues are more than meets the eye.
Ita. My two are both biologically mine and when the baby was born in June I lost patience w my dc a lot. It's much better now. So I don't think it's necc a step thing, it's a sleep deprived mom and older child thing, if you kwim. It will def get better as the baby gets older.
My OB had told me to come to him should I have any concerns over PPD. Maybe because I don't have a primary. Either one should be able to prescribe you with meds should they think that is appropriate after you explain your situation.
Having a new baby is hard, no matter if it's a BF or not. Its even harder if the older child still expects to get all the attention.
I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious
Have you talked to YH about your feelings? Is there anything he can help with to relieve some of the pressure on you?
I agree with PPs, that with two little ones, your patience just gets spread a little thinner. Less hands and more to do. Add on top of that less sleep... bad mix. I feel like things were rough in our home the first 3-4 months, simply because with me nursing constantly (DS is a piglet!), I didn't have time with SS like I did before. Now that we're pass that, and both boys are older, I feel like having DS has made me a better stepmom.
Your H needs to man up and FIX THIS. He created this. He is a grown man. The rest is just excuses.
I am a better, more attentive mother now than I was when I was pregnant or dealing with an infant.
I wouldn't say it makes a difference step or not.
I remember once when LO was wailing and I was trying to make dinner, oldest SS just told him, matter of factly: "She's not just your mother, you know."
Only you can tell if it is just lack of patience due to lack of sleep/personal space/freetime, etc. or if it really is a BF issue. My guess is that you're going through the same challenges all moms with more than one child face, especially while dealing with a newborn.
I would talk to your OB if you have PPD concerns.
Hope it gets better!
Same here. DS & DD are both my bios, and my patience with DS has just gotten a lot thinner.