Ugh, 4 year old having major attitude
DD has always been super stubborn and independent, basically since birth. Everyone out there with stubborn children knows what I am talking about...you have to attack an issue from the side, you have to give choices and options, you have to make them feel in control a bit, or everything is a battle.
In the past year, it's been much better, probably with age. The listening has improved, tantrums are way down, bedtime goes ok. But, whenever I have a direct request of her to do something, the answer is always "No, mama, in a minute, after I play with my doll, watch this TV show, paint this picture." But she doesn't want a minute, she wants like 45 minutes. It's usually when I am trying to get out the door, morning stuff, like getting her boots on, brushing her hair, eating her breakfast. I seriously have to give a countdown, repeatedly repeat the countdown, then threaten, then yell. I am kind of out of answers. So is DH, who is way more patient than me.
Anyone have a child that must be in control at all times? How do you handle it? I thought all of my tips and tricks were working, but not in the past month!
Re: Ugh, 4 year old having major attitude
I don't know if I have any great answers for you. My 4 year old has gotten this attitude as well. It's as if he doesn't realize we're the parents, LOL. I'll tell him it's time for dinner and he'll yell at me "No! Not yet Mom, I'm busy!" Or anything I put down in front of him for dinner he'll yell and whine "That's disgusting, I'm not eating that!" In the past week DH and I have been really fed up so we've been dishing out some hardcore tough love. We set a timer and said if he didn't eat one bite in 5 minutes he was going to bed with no supper and no TV- he was pretty upset when we followed through with the threat! The next night I asked him if he wanted to go through what we went through the night before and he kinda fussed and whined but he did eat all of his supper without the need for a timer. Honestly, I think all I can do at this point is start taking away things and stop threatening and start following through. I've never been one to follow-through on threats, with the exception of time outs, so I think this will work, especially with all his new christmas toys on the way! I think it'll be rocky at first but we'll get over it. His snottiness is getting out of hand, he treats my Mom the same way and the shame of that is finally getting to me!
Oh- and our time out situation has worked pretty well (when you have time for it)- e.g. if he starts wailing and making a scene I calmly tell him that it's okay to be sad about xyz but that he has to be sad in his bedroom. When he's ready to be done being sad, he can come out. It has worked amazingly well for us, but doesn't work when pressed for time, i.e. getting shoes on and out the door.
Be glad she waited until age 4. My 3-year-old is already a pro at this behavior.
For getting out the door, I will give verbal reminders throughout the morning and if she is not ready we will put her clothes in a bag and she can get in the car in her pajamas. So far every time she has seen me packing the tote bag she scrambled to get dressed and ready, so we haven't actually taken her to preschool in PJs (yet; but I don't put it past her).
For rudeness/snottiness we have talked about that and warned enough that at this point I don't say a word and just pick her up and take her to her room. Sassing back at mommy = immediate time out in our house. I'm not going to be spoken to like that.
I like the Love and Logic approach for a lot of this stuff. Don't want to eat your breakfast? OK, but the car leaves in 20 minutes. You may be hungry. Etc.
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I love these two beautiful children!
I'm going to skip the debate, although I believe natural consequences are the most effective. But to address the getting out... I have 3 and inevitable one is testing, one is distracted, one is missing a sock or whatever. 4/5 mornings I was ending up running late, which causes me serious anxiety. And me repeating myself. And me stewing the whole way to school. SO.
I made a visual schedule of how things would go every week day morning from wake up (6:30) to departure- 9:10. I had been starting the departure routine at 845- getting teeth brushed, shoes and socks, choosing hats, etc. Recently I started doing that at 8:15 and once the last shoe was on and everyone was brushed, and every last minute fire (pig tails, mommy, or oh no, I got jelly on my skirt I need to change!), they got to watch a show. This was enormous. It required more planning on my part, but then when the show is over, everyone rolls out the door.
When I taught special ed, the key to all behaviors surrounding transitions was consistency (why I use the picture schedule), prevention (hence the preparing early) and rewarding the desireable behavior (the video reward) and the natural consequence (no time for a video). Hope this makes sense!
I feel for you and am in a similar position with DS. He has been a strong personality since the day he was born. I can see personality differences in both of our children and I didn't realize until DD was born just HOW difficult/strong DS can be. I think for the most part there is some great advice on this thread. We are in the middle of doing "cool off time" in his room when he gets a mouthy or disruptive. It seems to work since it's positioned more as "do you need a minute to calm down" rather than a punishment. If that does not help, we take away toys or tv or whatever it is that will make a difference at the moment.
We do warning times (5 min to X, 2 min...) and it works nicely for the most part. I think he is also getting revved up for Christmas and the anticipation. We dealt with this last year and it was not pretty. He just didn't understand WHY its NOT TODAY kind of thing.
I don't see it as letting your kid "get away with things" b/c each child is different and some kids needs buckets and buckets of patience to deal with. I don't want to run a bootcamp and be a drill sgt. We pick our battles and have related consequences. We are consistent but know that we need to tweek things as he ages and matures.
Good luck mama and hang in there!!
Punishments and time out don't work really well for my DD. That just starts a battle of wills. It works best when I stay calm, use logical consequences, and refuse to argue or nag. "Action without words" from the Positive Discipline books works well for us. Hence the leaving with her still in PJs, or being hungry if you don't eat, or walking to the car with cold wet bare feet if you don't want to put on your shoes, etc.
It is a different kind of parenting and it can be frustrating. DD has always been one of those kids who does not respond to mainstream parenting advice. The usual tips just don't work for her, so it forces me to be creative and takes an incredible amount of patience to not lose it with her. Hang in there!
This. We have the same kinds of problems with DS and I've found the ONLY thing that works is following through on all threats right away. DS is also controlling, stubborn, and emotional. This works well for him even though it is ard at the time.