2 days post D&C-hard to put into words what I am feeling-a little rambling

irishgirl0525 · December 2012

It's taken me all weekend to be able to write this update. I had my D&C on Friday morning, and since then have been trying to get in touch with my emotions about this.

It seems like it all happened so fast. We found out there was no heartbeat on Wednesday, went to my RE on Thursday so they could confirm, and before I knew it I was scheduling a D&C for the next day.

I am having a hard time grieving. I have had some tears when I am talking about it with DH, but I guess I am looking for a moment when I just have a huge wave of emotion and a lot of crying. So far it hasn't come. I know it's still early and I can't force it. I'm just afraid it will hit me at a bad time, like in the middle of work.

I did skip a family party last night, I debated about going, but ultimately decided it was too soon, and I didn't want to see my cousin's 6 month old, though I haven't seen him yet. Last night was not the night.

One thing that I feel very guilty about is that I feel very disconnected from my baby. I spent a lot of time worrying that something was going to go wrong that I think I had this guard up and it prevented me from thinking of the baby as something real. I don't think I am explaining this well, but typing this is breaking my heart.

I'm sorry for the rambling post.

bryandmitch · December 2012

I know exactly what you're saying. I also have tried for two years, gone through IVF, miscarried in June, and just found out a couple days ago that we will have to terminate this pregnancy at 18 weeks. I think it's unfair that when you've been through so much you don't let yourself enjoy it. Or you're "guarded" to use your term. I have shed tears at different times. Mostly just randomly, sitting on the couch, for no reason. I have not had a "HUGE" meltdown. There are moments that I can talk about all of this very matter-of-factly, and I wonder if the people I'm talking to think I'm some sort of emotionless freak. I also feel as though I didn't think of baby as real, until now, which is ironic. Now that I will be losing him/her it feels very real. I'm sorry you've endured so much. To me, there is no rhyme or reason for this. It isn't fair, and that's that. Please know that there are other people out there going through what you are. However you handle it will be the right way. I do see a therapist regularly, and I think that definitely helps, as I also have a hard time getting emotional about things. Please PM me if you you'd like to talk. :0)

blue_elle · December 2012

Very sorry you're going through this. Like pp said there is just no rhyme or reason to any of it. There's no right way to feel or grieve. I had a good cry when we found out and haven't cried since. I'm absolutely heartbroken, but in some ways I don't feel like my emotions are expressing it. We had weeks between finding out and actually miscarrying, and during that time I even had some good days and good laughs, followed by a hearty dose of guilt for feeling happiness. I logically understand that it's ok to feel happy about other parts of my life while grieving this one, but it's such a conflict nonetheless. I just say all this to say that I think it's perfectly normal and ok to not have a total meltdown. Take it one day at a time and don't feel guilty for your emotions.

Unknown · December 2012

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femmepink · December 2012

irishgirl0525:
One thing that I feel very guilty about is that I feel very disconnected from my baby. I spent a lot of time worrying that something was going to go wrong that I think I had this guard up and it prevented me from thinking of the baby as something real.

I felt this, too. I worried that I was going to have a miscarriage or that something was not right during my pregnancy that when I had a miscarriage I was soooo upset with myself that I never really ENJOYED the fact that I had a baby growing inside me for 7 weeks.

When I found out that my baby did grow to 7 weeks, all I could think of was, "I could have had 7 happy weeks of being pregnant and I wasted them thinking that my baby could be not growing". Sucks. But next time I get pregnant I will try to enjoy every second because even though something could be going wrong...there's a good chance that everything is going right and you're missing out on it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Olalala157 · December 2012

Just sending you hugs, nobody should ever go through this. I am currently miscarrying naturally and I am just as disconnected as you are. I feel like there is a roller coaster of emotions to where I am crying to H because I'm heartbroken but then I'm perfectly "ok". I find that I break down the down in the shower. I'm alone and I just think of what "could have been" and it just breaks my apart. I almost feel like something was guiding me that this was going to happen. I didnt want to tell anyone, I didnt get any baby books, nothing like what I did for my first. I almost felt guilty that I was so careless towards this baby and now I just feel guilty. Now I'm rambling so I'm going to stop but just hugs.