(vent) Fed up with MIL...
sarnic123
member
My MIL is acting as though I am merely a vessel for her grandchild to enter the world - like I am simply an incubator.
Just a few things that have irritated me:
1. Watching our sonogram video she shouts out how the baby looks exactly like his daddy and proceeds to pull out his songram pictures and comparing them. Lady, all sonograms look the same. I bet our baby looks JUST like how Obama or Britney Spears looked in the womb as well.
2. On all of the belly pictures I have posted, she comments about how the baby is just like his daddy and she can tell by the size/shape of my belly. No. Just no.
3. She constantly posts things about "her grandson" and all of the things she plans on doing with him, not taking into consideration whether or not some of those are things that his father and I plan on doing (i.e. taking him to the zoo for the first time, or a lot of other "firsts".)
4. She posted a link to "20 things a mother should tell her son" and linked it to my fiance, saying how she did such a great job with her boys and how they will do such a great job teaching this 20 things to their sons (fiance's brother's wife is also expecting). HELLO! I am the mother. Yes, fiance will be an amazing dad, but he is not the mom.
5. She posts about how having her grandson will be JUST like having her son all over again. No, not really, because he is MY son.
This is really just a short list of things that have been irritating me that I can think of off the top of my head. I know it sounds petty, but she makes me feel like an incubator. The fact that this is MY son (and fiance's) and my first baby seems unimportant to her. She is already so possessive over our baby and I am afraid that once our son is born, she is going to get way worse and try to become controlling. To make matters worse, fiance is a momma's boy so I haven't brought up my hurt feelings to him because I don't think he would understand.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy that she is excited for the baby to come, but she is way too overbearing and he isn't even here yet. It would be nice to get a little credit for being the person to carry and deliver our baby, let alone some acknowledgement that I am his MOTHER and fiance is not the only one who will be teaching and raising our son (nor is she the only grandparent!).
I'm sorry this is so long and venty, but her most recent passes have gotten me on edge and I am getting close to snapping at her. I don't even want to go over to her house on Christmas because I am so annoyed!
Re: (vent) Fed up with MIL...
Yeah some of these are simply annoying and some are overstepping boundaries. Either way she sound weird, excited but weird.
First, I would let it be knows what you want to do first with him. If she ignores your rules, you will limit her babysitting opportunities.
Thank you for at least confirming that this is abnormal and annoying behavior. I feel a little better that it isn't *just* my crazy hormones. I think I am going to talk to DF before we see her for the holidays.
Another thing: DF told her when we first found out I was pregnant that I am NOT comfortable with people running up and touching my belly. Yet, everytime I see her (since I was about 12 weeks and not even showing) she jumps up and touches my stomach. It makes uncomfortable and also angry since she was told not to. My own family doesn't even act that way and with them I wouldn't mind.
DD has chubby cheeks like DH, so therefore she is 100 polish like her family. My italian grandmother, all her sisters, and my mom and her sisters all have chubby cheeks. But DD is only polish according to my MIL.
And its been suuuuper annoying but DD keeps mentioning going to Disney with my ILs. Disney is my most favorite place ever, we were engaged there. We thought of taking DD this spring but we decided financially its better to do when the kids are bigger. Well MIL keeps telling DD she's going to take her soon. I'm pretty angry about it bc that's all DD talks about now, about how she's going with her grandma. Its bratty but sorry no one else is taking her but me and DH. Other trips can be made after we take her.
So I get it. Its annoying. But it won't stop. Just try to set as many boundaries as you can.
DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
Ladies, thanks for making me feel legitimate in all my concerns here. I know I am going to have to put up with this forever, which makes me shudder, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has had to deal with such craziness.
Our husbands grow up exponentially when they have a child. Really. My husband is an only child, and his mother was thisclose to him before our DD was born. He broke dates with me to help his mother with this or that, and routinely arguments arose that were in regard to his mother vs. me. Once our daughter was born though, he suddenly started to place boundaries, starting with not attending the first Thanksgiving after her birth (she was a week old). His mother wanted him to come alone if myself and baby couldn't make it since "this was his family after all" and he put his foot down. He actually said, "mom, my family is my wife and my daughter and I am not leaving them on Thanksgiving for some party". I was SHOCKED! We haven't had a problem since.
She may think things are going to go one way, but you know darn well that she is wrong, so let her revel in her happiness now and she will realize that grandchildren are very different from sons... in a wonderful way.
OMG I so feel your pain. My MIL has been doing exactly the same things. After we announced our pregnancy on FB. She had to post her own announcement, which included a picture of her and my DH when he was a baby, and posted "My son is having a baby!" Uh, I am pretty sure he is *not* the one carrying this child right now and that it is not you and him having this baby either. UGHH!
I would definitely let your fiance know how you feel. I have told my DH many times that she gives me anxiety and needs to back off. It will be annoying forever, but we just have to establish boundaries early. Good luck!
I like cookies.
This would p!ss me off... Disney is a BIG DEAL! That means the parents get to decide when and who is going... end story....
OP: Make sure you discuss some of this with DH before LO gets here; not to cause problems, but to make sure he is aware of how you're feeling and so it's not totally out of the blue when you start setting boundaries.... And you might want to think about discussing the boundaries for when you're in labor... I imagine if you are having problems now, you will have them during labor too... GL!
This is EXACTLY my MIL!!!!!! I'm a *** though, and when she posts things like that I always comment something snarky on them. And she only refers to my husband as "my son", she should have never bothered giving him a name, cause I've never heard her use it! That's one of my biggest pet peeves.
My MIL stopped with the comments when I started throwing it back to her a little. I really think some MILs just act like that cause they get away with it, so show her who's boss! GL!
Lurker from 6-9, but this post made me laugh, if only because my MIL is the same way...
DH and almost everyone in his family have blue eyes; MIL's are green. I, like everyone in my family, have brown eyes. When DS was born, he had the non-descript newborn blue eyes. Cue regular conversations with MIL about what color DS's eyes would be, mostly along the lines of them being blue or green. By the time he was two months old they were looking brown. By three months there was no question. Then in late September we were visiting with DH's stepsister and her new baby. Stepsister says she thinks her son might have brown eyes. MIL says, in front of me and DS, "Oh, I hope not, brown eyes are so boring!" I said, "HE [pointing to my son] has beautiful brown eyes!" MIL responds with, "Oh, does he?" looks, and says nothing further.
In November, DH's paternal grandmother died, and my MIL went back East for the funeral. She called me from her hotel and started talking about how DS looked just like DH's grandmother, right down to the eye shape, and then said, "And I think she even had brown eyes. I bet Nolan gets his brown eyes from her." Fortunately my SIL corrected her by pointing out that the dearly departed's eyes were blue.
I have at times felt I too I am merely an incubator for my husband's clone, and as though my 50% contribution of DNA is meaningless. Hang in there and try to have a sense of humor about it.
Married Bio * BFP Charts
Um... do we have the same MIL? My MIL has done the majority on that list, if not all.
I discussed my frustration and irritation with certain things MIL does/says with FI, and we've agreed to terms of a "boundaries" talk with not just his MIL, but his whole family for our expectations and wishes after the baby is born. I would suggest something similar for you and your FI as well. You have to set the expectations and boundaries now, before the baby is born. If you have to readdress or reiterate later on, at least you've had the initial conversation.
Unfortunately, right now, it's just kind of something that you have to ride out. Pick your battles. If she wants to think that a grainy sonogram picture looks just like her son, then let her because I highly doubt you'll be able to convince her otherwise. Just smile and nod. Smile...and....nod.
Omg this is exactly how I feel!!!!
Yes, I realize it is her grandson. However, he is my son first. And I made it clear from the beginning that I do not want people to touch my belly. I am not a touchy-feely person and the fact that she was made aware of this yet continues to violate my wishes upsets me. He might be her grandson but he is in my body and she doesn't have the right to touch me as she pleases.
Everybody, thank you so much for the responses. I am glad to know that I am not the only one feeling overwhelmed by an overbearing MIL.
I think part of the issue is I'm feeling territorial over my son and it just seems like MIL is pushing me out of the picture when, quite frankly, I am the most important person when in comes to her grandson since he is in my body and I will be the one to deliver him to this world.
As for L&D, FI and I have already agreed that he will be the only one present in the room and she has been made aware of this. Our hospital has a "Golden Hour" policy that does not allow any visitors for the first hour after birth so the parents have time to bond. We still need to discuss who will be allowed in the room first to meet him and how long people will be allowed to stay. I definitely want to make the nurses aware that nobody is allowed to come in unless we have already spoken to them and know they are coming. I can picture MIL barging in while I'm learning to BF or something.
I am kind of lucky in one respect. FI's SIL is due 6 weeks after us and MIL has taken 2 weeks off of work to fly to AZ where they live during the time she is due so she will at least be out of my hair for a bit. She is most definitely not going to be allowed to drop in whenever she pleases during my maternity leave.
She gives me serious anxiety but I will take everyone's advice and talk to FI about it. Right now he is in the dark.
I am not either, and I cured my MIL real quick. After we found out we were pregnant, which was right away due to IVF, the first time we saw her after she found out she ran right up and started touching and rubbing my belly. I got real weirded out, then said well the baby is actually way down here (touching near my crotch area) and said so if you really want to touch the baby this is where she's at! She has not touched me again since then!
I'm glad I am not the only one with a MIL that rides the crazy train. I thought my MIL was the only one that did crazy things, but I can relate to almost everything in EVERYONE'S comments. Lol......my tongue hurts from biting it so much.
So stop her from touching your belly. If she's coming at you, tell her not to - physically turn away from her. If she puts her hand on your stomach, take her hand off and reiterate that you don't like to be touched. She can't touch you if you don't let her.
And definitely talk with your DF - he needs to be aware of what is going on. He cannot be supportive if he's in the dark about what's going on.
I am a lurker but I thought I could contribute and (hopefully) make you feel better.
1st babies are exciting. We had the first grandchild on either side and I felt like EVERYONE was SO overbearing making plans for us/baby. When everyone would visit post baby, how long everyone would stay, their level of involvement, etc...It made me CRAZY!! I felt very out of control and all I really wanted was time to bond as a family yadda, yadda. Here is what I learned. All of the grandparents saying we will go do x,y and z never happened b/c I was in control, not DH not MIL, ME :-) My MIL had us traveling on some get away, where she would babysit for him, before he was even born. SHE was planning when I would leave my baby. This made me extremely territorial. Until I realized all of the conjecture was simply that. No one takes into account what the reality is b/c everyone is so excited. Let them talk all they want, you will ultimately have the final say. Your MIL does sound like a special breed of wacko but you will be the one who sets the baby's routine and makes the decisions and tells everyone else what needs to be done, it just naturally happens and you will tell MIL what will and will not occur. Boundaries will be set b/c your baby's routine will help guide you to know what of MIL's plans will be ok and what won't. HTH, I know it's completely obnoxious that she is behaving this way but just try to let it roll and laugh to yourself that you will have the final say. Hard when hormonal but it's totally how things will happen.
I would agree with this. Based on her comments now you are painting a picture in your head of what it's going to be like when your LO arrives and I guarantee you that it won't be like you imagine it at all. Let her be excited, know in your own mind what your own limits are going to be and stick to them. Simple as that. Your in-laws will always be annoying, they are your in-laws afterall. We are a lot more forgiving with our own family.
Elisabeth Lee "Ella"
Born April 14, 2013
Hey, pretty girl, it feels so right,
All wrapped up in my arms so tight
Hey, pretty girl, it feels so right
Life's a long and winding ride
Better have the right one by your side
And happiness don't drag its feet
Time moves faster than you think
I can relate to this...to an extent. My MIL is still very possessive of my DH (he's 30 years old). When she found out we were having a baby she immediately brought up similar things to this. She actually told me "you're the queen for now, until that baby is here. Then it's all about him".
I told my in laws exactly how I felt about this. I explained that we are very private about our lives and our baby experience. There are questions that we may not answer even if they're asked. She is certainly not asked to attend appointments or ultrasounds...ever. Those are experiences for hubby and me. I also told them that I do not want anyone touching my belly or asking personal questions. Period.
After I established this with them, and it was not n a rude way, they backed off BIG TIME. I have not fielded any questions at all regarding the pregnancy...just if the baby was healthy at the last appointment.
It might be scary, but you need to set boundaries now-in a respectful way...otherwise things will be crazy once LO is here. I'm lucky to have a 3+ hour buffer
I think this is a little rude. I don't think the other person is a raging b*tch at all. Of course it will be all about the baby when he is born, but that doesn't mean that she is not a person anymore. In fact, she will be THE MOST important person in that baby's life.
I, too, did not want anybody else besides FI at doctors appointments or ultrasounds. My mom came to 1 with us because we were sent to a specialist when it was thought that our baby might have club feet (which thank god, he doesn'!). My mom only came because she knew the area and FI and I did not. I don't think it's b*tchy to want to keep these moments between your SO and yourself.
I am also uncomfortable with questions that are a tad too personal. It's fine for people to ask how the pregnancy is going, how baby is, how I'm feeling, etc. but there certainly are questions that cross a line. I think this is what the other poster was saying.
And as I said before, I do not want people (besides FI) to touch my belly unless I invite them to and I have only invited my mother and sister so far (I'm nearly 31 weeks). Some people are very comfortable with people, being touched, answering questions, etc. Some people are not. It doesn't make you a b*tch if you are of the latter. When all is said and done, it is still the mother's body and IMO that means her rules should really be followed.
I'm very sorry for your loss. However, just because you do not have a MIL in the picture anymore doesn't mean that we all need to put up with things that make us uncomfortable from our MILs. Yours sounds like she was a great lady. My MIL is nice, but she does need to back off a little and be more respectful. As I said before, I AM glad that she is excited to be in our baby's lives, but she just needs to back off a tad and be more respectful. If she loves her unborn grandson this much already, she needs to learn to respect his mother.
I have not confronted her at this point and I probably won't. I will, however, take each comment on a case-by-case basis and if it warrants a response, opinion, or correction by me then I will give it in the nicest way possible. I will also talk to FI this weekend. With our work schedules this week, we haven't had the time to sit down and have a meaningful chat.
Some of these I don't think are that big of a deal. And those, you are being too sensitive about, will sound irrational if you run to finance to "fix" them and that will negate the red flag ones.
The red flags, are really big red flags. I wouldn't want them to be dismissed or overshadowed or you to be painted as a passive aggressive FDIL.
This is also not a conversation you need to worry about your fiance being too much of a mama's boy to handle because you should NOT be addressing them with him at all...you need to be face to face with grandma if you are going to even hope to nip this in the bud. How you've shared you are handling things - or are going to handle things - is more or less triangulation...and that's a red flag, too.
(My mother was the bad MIL in our arrangement...and I didn't nip things quite as early as I should have...you already know some of these things *sound* petty...I'm here to tell you that, yes, some sound petty but they *are* symptoms of things not being in their proper place and hierarchy between you and your FMIL.)
These issues should be addressed promptly and firmly by you to her...doesn't mean you have to be Monster-DIL material at all (in fact, things will go more smoothly for you and your future husband *if* you end up looking like the *calm* and rational one and without trying to make him "take sides" ... which having him as the go between or protector on this one will be read as by anyone in the family...simply because on the surface these things, as you mentioned, *sound* petty. These are things that people aren't going to recognize as harmful to a parental relationship (or marital or DIL/MIL relationship) until things are way too late.
Edited to break down an "As I See It" analysis:
Your sonogram compared to his sonogram. Not big: petty to be upset over.
Belly pictures. An excited MIL quirk, kinda annoying: laugh it off as "just her"
Posts about Grandson: Consider your son fortunate to have someone so excited about experiencing life again with a young child's point of view. Her trip to the zoo will be her first trip to the zoo with him. Doesn't mean it will be his first ever trip to the zoo. Still, this is a red flag...a minor one. You tell her that your gut reaction is that in her enthusiasm she must still remember that the primary bond and first "dibs" on firsts/milestones will be yours and your husband's. Then, make sure to include her on some of those firsts.
The link about 20 things a mother should tell her son...maybe one of those things was to encourage her son/s in their roles as father. So what. So what if she was hoping it would be forwarded to you. It doesn't mean she's criticizing you...it only means that she is just as willing as you are to use him as a go between. Both of you need to get over that if you hope not to have this weird evil MIL evil DIL accusations in your future which is going to suck for your husband, and definitely suck for your son. Again, speaking from experience. (Edited again to add: if you don't want your belly touched, then tell her for goodness sake. Stop hoping that he'll pass the word along.)
The post about how having a grandchild is going to be just like having her son all over again. Could be taken as a way of saying she's excited about all the wonderful things a baby/toddler/child is, or that it makes her feel youthful again...or it could mean that she is going to be the type that (like my mother) honestly is going to say, "No these are *my* kids" and mean it in a very psychotic and very real way. That's a red flag to me that you need to address. I would do so assuming the best, "MIL, you said X. Can you explain what you meant by that?" and go on from there if you have questions/concerns.
That you feel like an incubator is probably more along the lines of normal ... like how the father's usually feel left out if the wife's parents are the ones that are very involved...the future mommy gets all of the attention and the fellow just is there to hold the bag. I doubt it is meant as a slight, but you can always ask...just that most of the things you've brought up to support that statement would be a stretch to see as awful enough to convict her on it.
this! My mil refers to my 32 year old dh (and my ds) as "my baby".
Op- You def need to set boundaries before your baby arrives and make sure your fianc? agrees and supports you. DH dismissed her behavior during my pregnancy as "excitement" and that she'd settle down. My son is 7 weeks old and it has gotten exponentially worse!! The first two weeks we were home she came by everyday for several hours at a time. All I wanted was time and space to establish our family unit! I wish I could go back 9 months and just deal with it. GL