Can't help hating him for leaving me... — The Bump
Military Families

Can't help hating him for leaving me...

My daughter is 3 weeks old and my husband is a marine. As a military wife I'm stuck out here in the middle of no where Georgia with no friends, and no family. He's not even deployed, but he goes down to work for days on end leaving me here to deal with our new baby plus all of the normal household responsibilities, and recovering from a csection. Now, I'm sure this sinario is all to familiar to a lot of you, but that doesn't make it easy... When he's working he's getting his 3 hot meals, and at least 8hours a night plus maybe a nap here and there, he's got time to watch TV and socialize and just play for days on end he's got a pretty easy job at this particular base. In the mean time, I have a screaming 3 week old and all I do is feed her, change her, and sit here with this stupid breast pump We're having breast feeding problems, that's another story. But she eats every 2 hours, I pump every 3 hours, and it takes me an hour to pump... It's this awful exhausting cycle. I don't even get to eat any more, partly because I don't have time to grocery shop. My house is filthy, and I'm about to die from exhaustion. And he tells me that he is going to get off work on this day and that he will be home to help for a couple days. So I get excited and then he tells me that things have changed. This last week I've have 1/2 a night off... That because he got home last night at 1am and he's leaving again today after dinner. And I didn't even really get that 1/2 a night off because he was getting frustrated with her, and in my opinion, was being too rough.
Sorry that the baby is screaming in your ear, for once. SHE'S A BABY, that's what they do.
So I took her and took over the rest of her feedings and diaper changes for the night, while he slept some more...
And on the rare occasion when he is home, and he is helping with her, he's playing a game on his stupid phone, or he sets her down to watch TV! And he will just sit there on his phone and let her cry and just not do anything about it. If you were gone for 6 days straight, day and night, wouldn't you want to spend your time off with your baby? Not angry birds?
I know, I need to get use to being the main caregiver for our baby, I know that I need to deal with it. But I really don't know how. Maybe it's the hormones that are just making me want to smack him into next week, maybe it's the lack of sleep, or maybe I'm just overwhelmed; but I don't know how long I can run on empty. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, and that ill get used to it, but it's just not, it's getting worse. Every time I see him get frustrated with her or not paying attention to her I just want to cry with anger.
How do I deal with this?!

Re: Can't help hating him for leaving me...

  • I would definitely start by voicing your concerns to your husband.  Have you tried telling him how all of this makes you feel.  I know he can't change his work schedule but he can change how he acts when he is home.
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  • I highly recommend counseling. Please get in it for yourself and as a couple. It will be completely free with Tricare's Mental Health Benefits and it will help immensely. You truly need help. Good luck!
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  • Ditto what the above ladies said. You aren't asking much out of him- you just want him to be a daddy during his spare hours at home. Make sure when you talk to him that you clarify that you aren't complaining about how much he works, cause then it will just become an argument about his job and he will become very angry because he can't (as far as we know) control how many hours he is at work. I would say something along these lines.....

    "Baby, I know you are working really long hours and you can't do anything about that. I am sure that really sucks for you. But while you are at work, I also have a full-time job here taking care of our daughter and healing from my c-section, so it would really, really help me out if you could take her off my hands for me when you are at home. I love seeing you take care of our daughter, and she will only be this small for so long, so I don't want your job to get in the way of you making memories with her."

     If he is still resistant after a calm, collected speech like that, definitely start suggesting therapy to him. You BOTH had this baby, and he absolutely will regret it one day if he misses out on her baby years.

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  • Stop.  Breathe.  

    First, you need to stop looking at it as him leaving you.  He hasn't left you.  He's working.  

    Second, please talk to a doctor.  This might not just be hormones.  You may be dealing with PPD.  There is a lot going on in your life right now and you need to talk to someone about how you feel.  Military One Source can help.  So can Tricare or the Military Family Life Consultant on post.  

    Third, when you are not angry, either sit down with your husband or write him a letter.  Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need from him.  Tell him you are overwhelmed.   

    Fourth, call your FRG or what ever his unit has for a family group.  You need help.  Ask if there is anyone who can volunteer here and there to just sit with the baby while you take a shower.  Many family groups, like ours, set up a Meals on Wheels program where they will deliver a meal a couple times a week to families with a new born.  When our guys are gone or really busy, we set up volunteers to come help clean or sit with the baby.  Find out if your husband's unit does that.  If not, just ask if anyone can volunteer to help.  There are usually a few people who will.  Take the help.  The saying "It takes a village" is true for a reason.   

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  • I was in a similar situation when DS was born - DH deployed 1 month after his birth, and he spent the entire first month getting all of our stuff moved into storage. (We moved out of our house and I moved home with family for the deployment.) Those weeks were hard because we were both stressed and exhausted. I also had BFing issues and pumped.

    Seriously - ask for help. Ask someone, anyone. If you can, go stay with family for awhile, if for nothing else, so you can have a break. See if your base has a new parent support program - the one where we lived would send someone to your home if you needed it, and I know I would have needed it if I'd stayed during DH's deployment. DH's unit didn't have an FRG, so that wasn't an option for me.

    Also, I believe it's militaryonesource.com that has counselors available to talk to. Look at the FAQ for this page, and you should be able to find links to resources for help.

    When you're up to it (or maybe even if you don't feel up to it), see what kind of parenting activities are offered on base - play groups, classes, whatever. Go and meet some mommy friends.

    Not all men easily transition to being dads.

    Also, maid services are worth it if having a messy house causes you stress.

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  • imageiluvmytxrgr:

    Stop.  Breathe.  

    First, you need to stop looking at it as him leaving you.  He hasn't left you.  He's working.  

    Second, please talk to a doctor.  This might not just be hormones.  You may be dealing with PPD.  There is a lot going on in your life right now and you need to talk to someone about how you feel.  Military One Source can help.  So can Tricare or the Military Family Life Consultant on post.  

    Third, when you are not angry, either sit down with your husband or write him a letter.  Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need from him.  Tell him you are overwhelmed.   

    Fourth, call your FRG or what ever his unit has for a family group.  You need help.  Ask if there is anyone who can volunteer here and there to just sit with the baby while you take a shower.  Many family groups, like ours, set up a Meals on Wheels program where they will deliver a meal a couple times a week to families with a new born.  When our guys are gone or really busy, we set up volunteers to come help clean or sit with the baby.  Find out if your husband's unit does that.  If not, just ask if anyone can volunteer to help.  There are usually a few people who will.  Take the help.  The saying "It takes a village" is true for a reason.   

    THIS.  

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  • An hour of having to pump sounds horrible.  I had problems right after my first was born, and it turned out that my base has hospital grade pumps to loan out to moms who need them.  Get a better pump, and it might make that side of things easier.

    I also agree that you need help.  Professional help for your family.  Consider going to counseling with your husband, and talking to your doctor about PPD.  It's a very real medical problem, that can have horrible consequences unless you get help. 

    I would think too that you need to have a talk with your husband.  Agree that you won't play with phones while the baby is awake, that he can watch the baby so you can buy groceries, you'll take turns cleaning, that you will split nighttime baby-tending, or whatever you think would work for you.  It sounds like he is clueless about how hard everything is on you now, and he needs to know.

  • I might be the odd man out here but I agree with you. If he has the flexibility to take leave and help you then he should. If he currently has a cushy job then he should try his best to help. It's not easy. I don't care what anyone tells you. My husband took 2 weeks off and if it weren't for that I wouldn't have ate OR slept. My son ate ever 2-3 hours and forget the pumping. When I started that I was up even more. I know how you feel. In my humble opinion I don't think it's hormones talking here but pure EXHAUSTION! My husband and I agree that exhaustion makes you more short tempered, angrier, etc. When either of us reached that point the other would step in. In the beginning I thought he was a bit rougher with him and asked him to be more gentle and he listened. 

    I think moving home with some family would be the best bet. You can do counseling there but at least you'd have help!! 

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