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Adoption
ellajune2012
member
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
How did you *know* it was time to start the process?
ellajune2012
member
in Adoption
Hi all/
Short Intro:
I've been lurking on this board for several weeks, trying to learn as much as I can about adoption (you are all awesome and it's been a real education!). My husband and I have always thought we'd adopt as part of our larger plan to have children, but we've been ttc for a while now with only two miscarriages to show for it and have started to think maybe adoption should come sooner, rather than later in our family planning. Frankly, though, I am also a little terrified. Still.... I know the process can be a long one and I'd rather start going down the road than wait until it's too late (I'm 36, already older than I thought I would be as a new mother, but that's the way life goes).
...and a Question:
For those of you who have adopted and those who are in the process, what was the moment that made you decide to just go ahead and do it? When did the desire finally outweigh any fears you might have had? Where both you and your partner on the same page from the beginning or was one of you more on board? What was your first step?
I know everyone is different but I'm just curious. I only know one person who adopted in real life, and she's a relative of DH and will probably be a resource when I'm further in this process, but I'm not really comfortable asking her questions about it just yet.
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How did you *know* it was time to start the process?
There was no actual moment. We got married when I was 36 and TTC'd for about 3 years off and on. During that time I was under the treatment of my ob/gyn and 2 different REs, and had 3 m/c's and a lot of unexplained testing to show for it.
At a certain point I just wanted to be a mom, and I knew a baby didn't have to come out of me to make that happen. I discussed it with DH and told him we should put a timeline in place where if I didn't have a successful pregnancy by X date (or thereabouts), we should shift our focus to adoption.
He was theoretically on board but the homestudy process scared the crap out of him. He also needed time to process the loss of a biological connection to a child. So I did a lot of reading, shared my info with him, and we started attending webinars on adoption.
After about 6 months of him attending these info sessions and talking to actual SWs at actual agencies, he was comfortable enough to jump into the adoption waters with me full force. That was spring of 2009. We started our HS that summer and brought our daughter home spring 2010.
FWIW, we adopted about 6 months after DH's cousins did. We've never talked about our experiences. They used a different agency, have a different openness agreement, fundraised differently, and DH isn't that close with them.
We've had two miscarriages and two chemical pregnancies... but I still wasn't entirely ready for a long time. Not because I had always dreamed of a bio baby (I hadn't -- at all), but because I was angry, and I didn't want to start the adoption process while angry.
I had inquired with our agency two years ago and just now put in our application. I didn't want to go another Christmas with no adoption plan. I now feel very hopeful and excited.
15 treatment cycles: four early m/c
Moving forward with domestic infant adoption!
Home study approved 5/13, now just waiting...
The first few years we had trouble TTC, we were looking into IA. I have a cousin who was adopted from China, so it seemed familiar to us. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it ;-) that never went anywhere. We were refereed to an RE and we were able to get pregnant with DS. Long story short, things didn't work out with our RE when we tried for #2.
The weekend we had our last failed cycle we just so happened to sit across from a couple at a dinner party that had adopted both of their children. It was like a light bulb went off inside of my head, and I thought "Oh yeah, I forgot about adoption!" They told us all about their journeys to find both of their girls, and by the end of the night I was writing the name of their agency down on a drink napkin. I felt so hopeful for the first time in a long time and things just felt right. That dinner party was a year and two weeks ago! We have been waiting for a match with that agency since October.
Our process was very similar to Dr.Loretta's. Basically, we were emotionally done with TTC. I was done first and we did try a bit longer because DH wasn't done, but now it's quite a relief to have made the decision to move on.
As far as fears go, we still have them, but I'm guessing that if we were having a baby through pregnancy, we'd still have fears. It's just that they would be different fears.
We also felt that we'd like to birth a child then adopt. When I'd had two early m/c and an ectopic, I felt so, so broken that I wasn't sure how much more I could do. I hated my body, I hated not knowing why I couldn't stay pregnant, I was tired of spending so much money for what felt like, at the time, another chance at a miscarriage. I wanted to be a mom and was actually never too fussed about a genetic connection. So I was ready to move to adoption first, but we agreed to try 2 more times (we are same-sex so "trying" for us was a little more involved). A that point, we started researching agencies etc so that when we got that last negative, we had basically already been to their info session and were ready to dive in.
I was first to move to adoption, but once we got there, I pulled back and had more reservations that I had to work through. We kept on with the process because I knew it was a long one and because we are queer I thought it would take us a while to get matched. I worked through what I needed to before we finished our homestudy though.
Basically, I was tired of trying. I was tied of hating my body, I was tired of trying crazy gluten free anti inflamatory diets that didn't help, I was tired of feeling broken and isolated. I was tired of fighting myself. I was ready for the process to NOT be about my body's particular ability to get or stay pregnant. I was to enter a process that could be more evenly shared with my partner.
Honestly though I had fears until our son's adoption was finalized. Heck I think I still have some. But that turning point that you mention was pretty clear to me.
Also, although I originally wanted a family by birth AND adoption, I've since changed my mind and if we do add any kids int he future, TTC wouldn't even cross my mind.
Dr. Loretta, I really like the idea of a timeline. DH and I are both procrastinators so I feel like a schedule of sorts would really help.
I had no idea we could do webinar info sessions... where do you find these? I've been reading a lot here but I think it might be helpful to do some of these with DH so hexane be a little more familiar with the process.
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
After our 5th loss in September (a son at 17 weeks) we decided to take the leap with adoption. I was scared because I felt like so much of it would be out of my control, but the reality is so were all of our pregnancies. I don't know what it happened but it sort of just clicked some time in late November. I looked at it as - at the end of the day our dream is to parent. I may not get to experience pregnancy and child birth (yes I know it's not dreamy like I make it sound) but that will be such a small chapter in my child and my own life. It just seems that way now because its so relevant. I have no doubt though that when they place my child in my arms for the first time that fear of missing out on the pregnancy/birth experience will go out the window. Making the leap to trust that fear will dissipate is hard.
I wish you all the best!!
5 Angels
Maybe it had always been in the back of my mind, but when my husband said he wanted to adopt ? that is really what sealed the deal. Like many people on this board, we struggled with infertility. It was so consuming ? and I was so tired. Tired of the heartbreak. We were actually out to dinner one night ? and DH just said ?I think we should adopt a baby.? Oddly ? it was as if the thought had never really seriously occurred to me. As soon as the words came out of his mouth ? I was like YES!! This is was right for us. I felt immediate relief to never have to go back to the doctor, never go through any more cycles, it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
We know that there will be ups and downs, and the process will be unpredictable, but we also know ? without a doubt, that we will be parents. That assurance was something we did not have before deciding to adopt ? and it just made perfect sense.