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Parenting
Fighting with DH help please
This is an AE because I'm embarrassed. Ever since LO was born DH and I have been fighting a lot some just bickering bit some bigger fights and I feel do lost. LO is almost one now. I know that I can come across bossy and as though I don't think he knows what he's doing and can have a harsh tone; I am not innocent. But I feel like, over the slightest thing or just me not understanding him the first time he says something, he acts so furious and disgusted with me and I hate the wU he talks to me especially in front of LO. I don't want LO growing up in a home like that or thinking it's ok for people to talk to each other that way.
When we met DH was the sweetest kindest man I'd ever met and I could never have imagined a cruel word coming out of his mouth but something had changed. I know he's stressed with work and internalized a lot of it and is hard on himself. I feel bad and often wonder if he's depressed but don't know what to do. I've mentioned going to talk to someone but I don't know if he would.
Tonight in the car without LO DH called me stupid over something dumb and I knee jerk reCted and slapped him. We haven't spoken since. I hate that this is my life , that i reacted that way, and have no one IRL to talk to. I'm just lost. Don't know what I'm looking for but appreciate any help.
When we met DH was the sweetest kindest man I'd ever met and I could never have imagined a cruel word coming out of his mouth but something had changed. I know he's stressed with work and internalized a lot of it and is hard on himself. I feel bad and often wonder if he's depressed but don't know what to do. I've mentioned going to talk to someone but I don't know if he would.
Tonight in the car without LO DH called me stupid over something dumb and I knee jerk reCted and slapped him. We haven't spoken since. I hate that this is my life , that i reacted that way, and have no one IRL to talk to. I'm just lost. Don't know what I'm looking for but appreciate any help.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fighting with DH help please
Slapping someone over a verbal notice of 'stupid' is a bad reaction. It kind of reinforces the supposition.
But..
If your DH is calling you stupid or suggesting you are stupid or otherwise undermining your self worth based on his evaluation you need to totally rethink your relationship.
Get a third party involved if need be: a counselor or an impartial friend (not your friend (who will always agree with you)) but a true friend who you can talk through things with.
I will say that many of us are not prepared for the challenges that becoming a parent present to us. Our relationships change in a very real way. Don't feel bad that your marriage is different now than it was a year ago. Of course it is different: YOU are different.
Best of luck. And odds are your don't need and AE to talk about this stuff here.
The past year and a half have been the hardest for DH and I. On top of new jobs for both of us, and a new house, we had a baby which meant major changes in the division of labour, etc. Nevermind hormones and sleep deprivation, lack of intimacy or quality time. We have had some pretty big blow ups. A few months ago I was at my wits end. Felt like we had lost everything that was good about our relationship, felt like I didn't even know who he was anymore or how to talk to him. I went to counselling for a few sessions and the counsellor helped me put it in perspective. I shared what I learned with DH. We looks at things like enneagrams and the 5 love languages to learn how we differ and how to talk to each other again. I also put my foot down and said I needed some alone time and we also needed alone time together - without DD, without chores etc. hanging over us. We needed to rediscover "us" because we were at the point where we were just coparenting.
GL.
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
Listen...
If you have a good foundation, you'll get through it (if you want to).
DH and I did counseling (if you knew DH, you would be AGOG that he agreed to it).
Best thing for us. For our family, our marriage, our individual selves.
I suggest looking in to it.
I am going to guess that none of these little bickering fights you have are actually about what you're arguing about. DH and I get this way whenever I have something bothering me about him that I haven't yet discussed or worked out with him; whether I like it or not, I end up passive-aggressively lashing out at him for every little thing because I start every interaction with him already a bit upset about something. It sounds like that's going on with both you AND your DH.
Though if you've gotten to the point of name-calling and hitting, I think you need to get a third party involved. You may have gotten to the point at which there's just too much to deal with on your own.
This is similar to a problem that my DH and I have. We hear harsh tones in each others' voices when we aren't at our best, and then we fight about whether or not there really way a negative tone or whether negativity was intended. One thing that has helped has been to just acknowledge that the other heard it negatively, whether or not it was intended, and then apologize. It's not always easy to apologize when you don't think you're in the wrong, but it has helped to shut down some arguments before they really get rolling.
it but not without a third party. I was exactly where you are and with the right help, you guys can get through this.