Missing how things used to be
namara5532
member
First of all, I'll say that I love DS to pieces and wouldn't trade him for anything. My feelings have nothing to do with him being a bad baby or anything like that.
I got a visit from an old friend today. As I've mentioned here before, I'm a LARPer, and this friend was from the LARP I went to. His visit got me thinking about the current state of things, and it got me sad.
When I got pregnant, I was no longer allowed to participate in the LARP. It was a safety hazard as we fight with boffer weapons, and one ill-aimed hit would've caused trouble. While it wasn't a surprise pregnancy, I underestimated how jarring it would be to suddenly quit an activity I'd been a part of for 4 years. Suddenly, I wasn't seeing my friends every month, and all but a friend or two never came to visit. Needless to say, I was pretty tore up about it as most of my friends at the time came from the LARP. We had some good times, but they apparently were too busy to see me or didn't really consider our friendship beyond the LARP.
After I had the baby, I went to a mommy and me group to try to get some socializing in. While it certainly helped and I made some new friends, I had it planned in my mind that I'd bring DS to an event for a couple hours to hold me over until I could come back more often. I'd even gotten it ok'd by the person in charge. Unfortunately, management of the LARP changed recently, and they've told me DS isn't allowed at events until he's old enough to join, which is age 14.
I got pretty miffed at them, but I was equally disappointed in the people I considered my friends who never came to see me when I was pregnant and after DS was born. I made the choice that I was done with the LARP for now. It was too disapointing to go on hoping I can go back soon when DS is still nursing at night and DH works nights and is therefore unavailable to watch DS while I go LARPing.
Like I said before, one of the few friends who has stayed in touch dropped by. We were pretty good friends, but we found ourselves with little to talk about. He told a few stories about the LARP, and I told a few stories about DS. The encounter made me sad that I couldn't be a part of that life anymore. I had to walk away from the lifestyle of going off a weekend or two a month to play a game in the woods and leave the world behind. Now that I have a baby, I don't have that luxury anymore. And it makes me sad.
I have my new life as a parent and new friends, but thinking about the people I no longer relate to makes me feel like I sacrificed something big to have a family. I'm going to a mommy and me party tomorrow that should hopefully help me feel more fulfilled with my new social circle; but right now, I feel trapped here with the baby and like I walked away from something that used to be such an escape for me. For now, I'll have to settle for something on Netflix and some hot chocolate and try not to think about how things used to be.
Sorry for the rant. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who misses the pre-baby life though, if others had to walk away from friends to have a baby.
Re: Missing how things used to be
I do not think badly of you at all for having those feelings. I think it is completely normal.
I have some single friends, some married w/o kids friends, and some married with kids friends. Having DD has affected my relationship with all of those friends in different ways. We do not have any family nearby and, so far, do not have many options in terms of babysitters, so that makes us go out in the evenings much less frequently than we would have before. It has also limited the places that we can go to with friends. We live in a small town with limited "going out" options and two of our friends' favorite places to eat dinner or watch games together are technically bars, which means that DD is not allowed to go in. It is a bummer each time we have to say that we are not going to join our friends because DD isn't allowed.
Another of my favorite activities is running road races. It is something that H and I did often together, but something that is much more difficult with DD. Jogging strollers are not allowed in most of the races here, so in order to run together, we need to find someone who can babysit from like 5AM-noon on a Saturday. For some reason, the local high school girls don't like to be at our house at 5AM on Saturday? Odd...
Do you have anyone who DS could stay with for one weekend per month or even every other month so that you could to LARP once in a while? I don't know if it is something where you need to be there every time or if you can just go sometimes? My mom or MIL would love to do that with DD if they lived closer.
I am not doing a good job of this, but, it might also be time to make some new friends. I wish I knew how to do that, it sounds like Mommy and Me is a good opportunity since you SAH. In my community there are a lot of other activities similar to that, you may have access to a lot more than you even realize yet.
Anyway, no, I would never change having DD, but yes, things are totally different.
Duke's House: Eating and Running with the Big Dog in Chennai: eatrunbrit.com
2010 Race PRs:
5K - 24:57 10M - 1:28:20 13.1M - 1:57:29 26.2M - 4:28:29
As the other posters have said, you are soooo not alone!!!!
I find missing my pre-baby life very hard to deal with. Baby wasn't planned, so I feel like "I made my bed, and now have to lay in it" type of thing. You know? Like this is the type of life that I got myself into, so there is no point in wasting breath on it, and no one wants to hear about it (or so I feel...)
I hope you enjoy the mommy and me party, I think it helps to find other moms. None of my friends that live within driving distance have kids (the one who does is like 3 hours away), but I've found that my relationship with my sister, who has two kids now, has only gotten stronger since we can relate. There's no ill-feelings if phone calls get ignored for a day or two... we know that if we want to get together that it's gotta be toddler and baby friendly..
I try to focus on all the things that I have gotten to experience with DS & SS, not the things I missed out on with friends. So my friends got wasted at a bar last weekend together. I've done that countless times. Do they get to hear a child's first word? Or rock a beautiful baby until they are lulled to sleep? How about hearing someone call them mama? Experience the first crawl, step, tooth? Nope. They don't.
Just remember that yes, you had some good times pre-baby, the ride is only beginning with your child!
you're absolutely not the only one. after I had my first son, I used to cry and wonder if I was the worst mother in the world. it seemed like everyone was carrying on about how they "couldn't even remember what life was like before the baby!!!!" and I was like, um. I can. and it was pretty damn awesome.
change is hard. I've always had a difficult time with it. unfortunately the only constant is that things change. but as the time has gone on, I've found a new niche. some friends changed and some stuck around and many many new ones have been made.
it gets easier. you'll probably always miss those days, but there are new wonderful days ahead of you. it'll get there.
****HUGS!***